Wednesday, December 31, 2008
he says he will always be here for me. I want him to be. I do not want to lose him.
I could stay here tonight. PB would say it did not matter to him. But it would. The man held me all morning cuddling. He falls asleep with me in his arms every night. He puts up with all my moods, hugging me, kissing me and I'm not even pretty but he tells me I am.
I look at him all the time, he is just so beautiful, so manly. I look into those edgy blue eyes, they back at me as if to say, it all ok. I am happy and alive and you make it like that for me and why don't you feel the same?
PB means so much to me. I can only hope I means as much to him.
So tonight i will be there with him, bringing in the New Year. Last NYE I was with someone who did not want me. Not like I wanted him. That guy never treated me the way PB does.
So here I am again, taking a chance. I hope and pray the husband makes it through the next 24 hours ok. I do love him and it would destroy me if something happened to him.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
We hung out as friends. It was so nice and then last night I went over PB's and helped him in the shed with the new window. We sat at the table and ate leftover chicken cordon bleu and mac and cheese. We went to bed and i found out that my timing was bad. Poor PB. I put his hand someplace that got him excited and then the porr sweet guy can't do what he wants. But welaughed about it. We laugh alot, about everything, usually flagulance and sex.
We ended up cuddling and sleeping.
I am so happy to be with this beautiful sweet man. I am falling so hard for him. How could I not? But if he is so wonderful how could the last 3 women dump him? I pray his bad old days are behind him.
Saw the hubby this morning. He is being so good to me. I am in love with him, as a friend. My respect for him is growing.
Monday, December 29, 2008
well, you know the rest and if you don't, then you are missing out on some of the greatest american literature of our time and I cannot help you in any way.
Everybody that calls me asks me how my Christmas was. It was wonderful and weird, very weird, but very wonderful. And when your life is as fucked up as mine seems to be most of the time, you savor the unhellish portions.
I woke up at PB's Christmas morning and for the first time in well over 15 years, I had Christmas morning sex. PB wanted to open gifts, but he had to go to his ex in laws, so I went over my brother's house and listened to fasinating holiday morning conversation. "Yeah, Sher's gotta go to macys tomorrow. Dey got 2 for 1 bras and she needs new bras for her cans cos they're big as houses."
The bro asked me what I was making for dinner for PB and I said pork chops. He replied, "Sheri's gonna get a pork chop later tonight."
My godson opened his presents, he loved the Star Station I got him. he loves to watch himself on tv and now he can do that and sing and dance and see it all.
Then I went home and spent 5 hours with the husband. We opened presents (super cool HD sweaters, 1 was even cashmere!) and I made a ham. Then it was back to PB's for presents and affection and more sex. He gave me a Bluetooth, The Ov-Glove and a slow cooker cockpot that I wanted.
Then Friday I had to drive to Nashville to deliver the horrible swingarm and the bike frame from Hell. It was 6 hours to get there but worth it just to say good da fuck bye.
Friday night it was back in my baby's arms for serious cuddling.
Saturday we went to a party to meet PB's old friends and poker buddies. They said I was an upgrade from his last GF. We had a wonderful time and yes he was the hottest guy in the bar. he later told me I was the cutest chick there. Not bad for a couple of old farts. We were too beat for sex.
But........Sunday morning, we made up for that. Sunday we listened to the Panthers almost blow it again and worked on the addition to the Crazy Horse Annex. Plus I made the most kick ass barboque in the new crock pot. Super yummy! It was a weird day, rainy and drizzle and then sun and then mkore drizzle. We got totally muddy and me in my $350 Tecnicas. But they rinse off and it was back to cuddling. Poor PB had to sit through Fargo. "That's 2 hours I'll never get back."
Now I am helping the husband fix our front porch and tonight I will be back at PB's cooking meatballs and having sex but not at the same time.
Ok gotta go help hubby.
The porch is fixed and hubby referred to the BF as my prince. Humm, I think he knows something more about PB. He might just have an idea of what he looks like. Maybe he is finding out that he is not a bad guy with poor taste.
Gotta make an appointment at the vet for Zoe. Hoping she and the soon to be born puppies are doing good.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
it occurred to me as I was walking into the house from the shop, as I walked across the front porch, which glowed blue due to the blue LED lights strung over the length of the porch.
I am making macaroni and cheese for the house. Tomorrow I make a ham. Later tonight I'll go over to PB's. He's shopping. We've been texting all day.
For someone who doesn't like the edge, I seem to spend alot of time there.
But he did not.
So no matter what it was always on the back of my mind that he "was not that into me."
So I stayed very skeptical. But I have seen that he has been good. he has not been a shit. I know he had those days in his past, where he was not to be trusted. But like Barb says, "yeah, he's good to YOU."
And so far he is.
Like last night, I was inside reading and he was working in the shed. he asked me to come and run the drill. He really did not need me, but he wanted me around.
That felt good. Plus he held me much of the night, and we slept in this morning and there was more holding.
Its funny I remember how he told me in the beginning that he would start to push me away cos he needed to sprawl in bed. That never happened.
And so I am allowing myself to enjoy my time with him, and not worry about tomorrow.
As for Jack, he is learning to deal with it, atleast he says he is. I keep hoping he won't kill himself. I get so scared at times. he wants me back so very badly. but unless I am single again, and can get past all hurt he has done me, I do not see it happening. I love him so much. But I went for many many years with him rejecting me over and over. Now it his turn to wait and see. I do not know the future and cannot give him an answer.
I am hoping that PB and I have a long life together. We make each other so happy. We are both so alike in so many ways.
And the dog is pregnant again. I worry for her. She is so sweet and it is all my fault. The pups are due in 3 weeks. God I hope she makes it through it ok.
I think back about this month, the puppy I found and found a home for. The work I did. The worries I had. And still have. I guess I am just giving them a rest for a while.
Today I finished the toughest part of a long time project that had turned into a nightmare. Part One leaves Friday. The customer who hated me a few months ago, is now quite happy. I can only hope he stays that way.
Plus I am finishing up a painting, and it looks good. I think the customer will be pleased. I know I am.
PB is getting cabinets for our new shop. I will have two shops now. One I share with Jack and I shared with PB.
Truthfully it bothers me a little, I hope PG is not with me cos of what I do. he says it is far more than that.
I look at Mike and he has been with Cole for 4 years now. I know she would not be with him if he was not who or what is is. So who knows, no easy answers. See what i mean about trust?
PB is finishing up his hsopping later today.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Its a cold morning here on the farm. But I feel warm. I have spent the past few months literally in a constant state of worry. One crisis happening after another. And then my beautiful PB. I was so worried that he would betray me in some way. But I have looked and looked and he has been so loyal to me. Yesterday morning, he was so so sweet. I think his folks are very happy he is with me. They included me in the gifting. It was a gift to us. Their intent was clear. I think he is ok with that but he is starting to see how real it is. Maybe that has him a little shook. But hey guy, you're not a young stud trying to prove anything to yourself. Atleast I hope he doesn't feel he has to prove anything. He has a wonderful woman who cares so very much for him, who thinks he is the hottest man on the planet. A woman who will care about him and for him and never make him feel bad about himself or make him sad.
I just want ot get on with my life. work, make a life, enjoy the life we have together. There are enough things to worry about. I want my personal relationship not to be one of them. I just want to live and enjoy what is left. Enjoy it with my beautiful, sweet man.
Friday, December 19, 2008
I wonder what is going through his head. He is such a mystery at times, but then I guess most guys are. And that is not an attractive quality. Give me predictable any day. There is plenty to wonder about in my life, my personal relationship? No, I don't need mystery.
But he is very mysterious. The things he wants. What he dreams of. I don't spend alot of time thinking about this kinda stuff. Too busy working and enjoying our time together.
And the crazy thing is I feel so secure with him. Well I guess as close to secure as I could come. He remembered it was 6 months last night.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I don't get why I snapped. He's done nothing but be truthful with me. He's been very sweet. But I pushed him and he saw I was sad. It bothered him a bit and now I need to back off. Like i shoulda done in the first place.
Things were going real good. I got impacient.
Am I as important to him as he is to me?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
So do these words mean anything? To be lulled into a false sense of peace. Now granted, there are two sides to every story, maybe the women gained all kinds of weight or shut down for sex or started being bitchy and picky. You know, how people are nicer in the beginning?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
PB and his boy were up late playing games PB always wanted to be a rock star. He loves Guitar Hero cos it lets him play at it. It was fun watching him sit back and enjoy something. He's more self concious than he lets on.
Friday, December 5, 2008
But is truth always the best thing?
I found out the truth about MA and it hurt. How awful and cruel she is. I can only hold onto all those years of friendship and know that they were good times for me. To toss them away would be too wasteful.
I will be finding out some long wondered about truths this weekend. I had my reservations about it. About finding out that truth. Would it be the best thing for me?
But with the way things are going, the hard truth behind the veil of what i actually have been seeing, I am finding out that sometimes, you have to take a shortcut through the bullshit or else you waste your life.
I have so little life left to waste.
I had a wonderful night with PB last night. Sometimes it feels like we are so close. It feels so good and safe in his arms. So secure when I am laying next to him. I brought over one of the lamps. I wanted him to see what treasures I have found in my life. The beauty. I wanted to share it with him and for myself to spend more time enjoying the objects I have discovered. For it to be at MA's, to be ignored, to gather dust, just another object that had her attention for a a few precious seconds before she found something else to occupy her mind. An object she thought would bring her happiness. He said it can stay on my nightstand. MY night table. I liked hearing that. I needed to hear it.
So what if I find that truth is not what I had hoped. Will it change the way I feel and react? Will he notice the change in me?
But what if the news is good? What if he was truthful with me? Then I can go on and get things done. I mean I'll still get things done no matter what. But decisions needed to be made very soon. The direction I will go.
Bad or good, this truth may not change a thing. Maybe it is just information I need to have for my own peace of mind. Something to base a future decision on, if there are new factors.
Truth is a funny thing.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The second things that made me mad was MA. She wants the lamps back. 2 lamps that she gave me and the 4 I bought from her dad. What a nasty hateful bitch. She claims that she might just take a little trip up here.
And now the sun is sinking into the western winter sky and I am tired. And a little sad. Tired and up.
Not in the mood for nonsense.
I don't like feeling this way.
Monday, December 1, 2008
But then I have to wonder, are those eyes really that sweet? Does he feel thr same about me?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Strange weekend with him. It was me not him. I got a little put back on Friday, or rather put off. Nothing he did. I just did not hear what I needed to hear. he tried in every other way.
I think I am way too sensitive. From the start with him I have been on the negative side. Always focusing on what is not happening. he is a good man and right now and for the immediate future he is my man.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I am sad a little. J is being so sad about what has happened. He keeps saying how sorry he is and I should be happy he feels that way cos if he was angry it sure would suck more. He days he wishes he could turn back the clock or have a do over. But I do not feel the same as I did. Even without PB it would not be different.
Friday, November 21, 2008
And life would be very different. So you could say I have Lindsays’ insane mother, my former best friend to thank for meeting the man I always wanted. Or rather the kind of man I always wanted. Sweet, kind, affectionate, pacient, hard working, likes the same things I do, like cars, motorcycles, and lots of sex, and one of the most beautiful looking creatures on the planet earth.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
This afternoon, I was busily minding my own business, ironing my hair and the rogue wave hits.
So I gobble down my new passion, an orange flavored Goody's Powder. Dang that shit works good. Better than Zanax.
Ok, time for girl stuff, dress, makeup, tall shoes, and Chanel. Should bought some Coco in Vegas.
It shows in my artwork and in my writing. My editor is digging the new book so far. He says it is my best one yet.
But it still scares me. My buddy Mike said it best, relationships are harder once you get older. You have the scars and the bad experiences and it is easier to give up and stay away. But so far I hang in. He is worth it...so far.
Well back to the studio. back to the tools I have handled for so very long. Only they feel differently these days. Crazy days.
I started blogging a few years ago and then life got nuts. Or maybe I got nuts or was always there. I haven't had time to figure it out. I was too busy trying to keep the bills paid. Life and debts and traveling, Seattle, Colorado, Vegas,