Thursday, December 24, 2009

Holiday Realities

PB has just walked out the door to go Christmas shopping. The house is quiet with the dog on the back porch and the prissy white cat purring next to me on the couch. Most of the gifts are wrapped and I have a few dishes to wash and holiday thoughts are running through my brain.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight"

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is without a doubt my favorite holiday song. Judy Garland sang it in Meet me in St Louis. And to hear the emotion in her voice as she sang it, well, it really brings up what can be the grim reality that the holidays can present. Its so easy to get sad and feel bad this time of year. To look back at the past year and beat up on yourself that you did not accomplish enough, that in some way, you did not live up to the hopes you had a year ago.
People get so caught up in spending money, in "how they look" to others, what people will think if the image they present is less than expected. But for me, Christmas is about hope and peace and love.

I have known happy Christmases but more sad ones. Tough times in a tough world that I grew up in. Visions of my mom crying because she had no money to buy things. But through it all, I have never given up that the next year will be better.
PB is sad cos he doesn't have much money to spend on gifts. But he has given me far more in love and hope than he could ever purchase at a store. To cuddle in bed with him, to feel his affection and warmth is priceless.
I'll go out soon to buy a few more gifts, get groceries for our holiday meals, food for the dog. Then go over to Jack's and give him his gifts and play with the dogs over there.
I do all I can for the people in my life and I hope that is enough for them.
That's why I love that song, cos its all about renewing hope.

"But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

You Got to Have the Sour

Walk in someone else's shoes. Or at least walk along with them and be observant. Now I have always been thankful for my life with PB. But after spending a weekend with some real celebrities? I am even more apprecative of my little life.
When I say real famous people? Well one of them was real famous. About as famous as it gets. This person is a legend and for the most part, a very good person. Pretty down to earth for a legend. And I had a whole lot of fun hanging out. And this person went out of the way to make sure I did have a good time. And that meant much to me.
But it wasn't just this that made it strange. There were other well known people and the dramas surrounding them was ...well..........something straight out of something like Desperate Housewives or some other who is doing who drama.
But it was all a bit overwhelming and if I was younger, maybe I would have embraced it all more than I did. But I am 50 years old. And yeah it was fun, but for the most part, I would have preferred to be home. I know what I like. What feels good to me.
But maybe that what it takes. You've got to have the sour to appreciate the sweet. Like if all you had was sweet all the time, you can never fully know just how sweet, the sweet can be.
And I've had plenty of sour in my 50 years.

In other news, my former best friend has gone completely insane. ....again.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Carolina Fog

I made Christmas cookies for the first time and decided to do it with my 5 and 11 yr old godsons. Shouldn't be too hard I thought. It looks easy enough. And of course after I got into it, I realized just how clueless I was about making rolled out sugar cookies. And to find that out with a hyperactive 5 yr old bouncing around, whose snatching M&Ms, and Reese's Pieces and gobbling them down, getting even more sugared up.........well, my feet were sore at the end of the day, but I had alot of fun and can't wait to it again.

The 5 yr old had me laughing like crazy. They say the funniest things at that age. So spontaneous.
This kid loves Christmas.

Of course its always wonderful to drop them back off at my brother's. And I miss them like crazy before I even get to the end of the driveway.
By the time I took pictures of the cookies, more than half were gone. Some to my bro's house, some to my bro in law, some to PB's dad's house, and we ate some. But now that I got it down I like making the decorated cookies. The artist in me has fun with it.

Yesterday, PB and I cleaned the house, we had been literally sticking to the kitchen floor. I even scrubbed the baseboards in the kitchen, the largest room in the house. Such a nice feeling after the house I really clean. Its as if it feels new again.
I love our kitchen. My bro in law even mentioned the G Word, as in Granite countertops. If PB tiles the floor (and I hate the floor its impossible to keep clean), then GMan will have granite countertops installed. And we might put a biog screen tv on the big blank wall or knock the wall out and merge the kitchen with the front living room.
Its a foggy day here in the Carolinas and I am feeling better after the beatdown Irene gave me. The thing about Irene, it never is really over. She will find a way to drag out all the old ghosts and make them howl once more. I love her daughters very dearly, and to shut her completely out would be to shut them out.
I will not speak to her, but I am sure she will make contact with me, every so often, if only to try and knock me down once more.
Its sad that those who are closest to you can always hurt the most. I think writing the letter yesterday helped me. I'm hoping she will never see it. I write alot of letters that no one sees. Its more for me than them. Its better than hanging onto your hurt and wearing it like some kind of sick badge of honor.But despite all the sad Christmas's for me, I love the holiday season. I love the decorations, the lights, the festive mood, even the awful sweaters (of course on someone else, I'm way too cool to wear one.)
This Friday I leave for Flint, MI to meet with a very high profile customer and I have to get drawings done for a big money customer, and get some actual work done.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Rat Shit Times

I think I only have one reader now and I guess I am posting this post for her and I. My ex friend sent me a mean email. It tore me up and gave me sharp tummy pains for a few days. I will not respond to her at all. Why?

Cos to respond would be like throwing gas on a fire than is almost out. I have enough to deal with. So I wrote her a letter this morning. And only one person other than me can read it. Here it is.


I have thought much about the email you sent me. There are all kinds of things I would like to say to you. But for right now, its just not worth it.

You continually replay and relive all the wrongs that feel have been done to you. But what about the wrongs you have done to others? You think its right how you treat people?

I am done this time. I will treasure all the good memories I have of you but I will not allow you back into my life to hurt me anymore. Your children and family do not have the choice. The good part of you taught your girls compassion. They love you enough to allow the abuse you inflect. Yes it is abuse.

What makes it right for you rip my life apart and judge me? Condem me over small things like me not telling my David my real age or just how messed up my life was when we were first together? Why is it ok for you tell little white lies when you need to? Why???

Why is it ok to bash your David over and over for years?

But it is ok for Jimmy to treat me the way he did for 14 years? Yes and it was ok for Richie to treat me the way he did or Doug or Derek?

Did I deserve that? It was ok for them to cheat on me, to be mean and abusive to me? To blow their money on drugs and such and ok for me to pay all the bills?

But we are all supposed to throw you a non stop pity party cos you went through abuse?

So I see, I am not as good as you.

It was ok for me parents to treat me like a slave and use me to pay their bills and to take out all their anger and bitterness on me as a little child?

It was ok for me to do everything I could for them, at the expense of my own life, and then have them tell vicious lies about me to people?

And the thing is, I dont talk about it much. In fact, my david has knew none of it. Not a thing of the nightmares I have known. I don't care to relive it. To live that way is not a ife worth living.

But I think I see why you feel the way you do.

I see it now very clearly.

You are better than me. You always have been. In your mind I will always be the low rent white trash. It ok for me to suffer but when you suffer, we all have to stop and devote ourselves to you.

Your hurt is much more significant than mine cos you are better than me.

I was always the bum biker low rent loser friend.

When my parents died I got a few dishes, a table, and a 10 yr old cat that hated me.

You got $170,000 when your parents died plus possessions.

And you spent most of it in a year.

When I separated from Jimmy I got half of a house (that I don’t live in) with 80,000 owed on it. I got my possessions that I had paid for. I still had credit card bills. I still had to work my ass off. And now I have to help Jimmy with his bills for utilities, electric, and phone. I pay for his health insurance. And pay his medical bills. And I do not complain about it. I am happy that I can even do it.

You got a whole house with less than $40,000 owed on it, a car you did not buy, all your possessions and $20,000. And David pays you.

I work most days of the week and most hours of the day. As well as taking care of two houses, and cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family.

You do not even have to work anymore. And no, working around the house and in the yard is not the same as working for a living and you know it.

So nothing has changed in all these years, you are still Princess Irene, with everyone owing you ……… your hurt and pain is so much more significant than anyone elses’ hurt and pain.

Stay away from me. I have suffered enough in my life. Enough suffering and pain for 10 lifetimes. But I don’t bring up everyday or every week or month or year. I go on with my life trying to make it better.

You say you can get past it as to do that would make the hurt and pain be right. So in your mind everyone has to suffer along with you and walk on eggs or else you’ll go off like a bomb.

You have no idea how horrible it can be when you are in “one of your moods.”

KNOW THIS – YOU ARE AN ABUSER. YOU DEVALUE your girls each time you throw one of your fits. You think cos you spent lots of money of them AFTER, that it means that you love them and its ok.

Humm, lets see, you throw a screaming fit that last for an hour or two, yelling horrible mean things and then buys your girls dinner or gifts or in some way spent money on them.

And that makes it ok in your eyes?

You are an abuser. You have become the very thing that you complain nonstop about.

You say I am mean and cruel? No I am not. I did lie to David about a few things and I have since told him the truth. But only a few things did I lie about.

You have no right to throw stones and judge how I live my life. No right what so ever.

And I have never judged you. Never………………If you think I have, then you are wrong or misinformed.

As for that fit you threw at the graduation? It was not justified and you humiliated your family. And yes, it was you. You did not take the higher road. You made 2 of your girls cry that day.

You enjoy making them cry. You do it all the time. That is mean and cruel.

And everyone is very tired of hearing about the how you had to live with rat shit. If that is the worst thing ever in your life………you silly spoiled bitch. Big fuckn deal. We all have ”rat shit” times in our lives. But we don’t throw screaming crying fits for 3 years after it


Good bye.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Toxic Friends

Good news, pretty interesting things are happening with my career.

Bad news - My ex best friend since 1974 sent me a vicious email. over the past few years she has outed me as a friend then tried and get me back, I love ehr so I usually go back. She last outed me in May.
She is one of those people who have no filter in what they say. As family can often do, she knows how to push the right button, in my case the guilt button. She lashes out at those who love her the most as she knows she can hurt the most that way. She has no friends left. Lives in her house with her 2 youngest daughters. Lives on child support from her ex. No job. She has almost no contact with the outside world saying its the only way she can keep from being hurt.
She rants and cries on a daily basis, over things that happened in the past, as if the hurt had happened yesterday and it still fresh.

I write this as my life these days is a balancing act. Trying to keep a business going in a horrible economy, BF and ex husband laid off their jobs, trying to help the x start his own shop anf footing the bill for it, trying to keep all the bills paid, trying to keep the ex husband's head in a good place. He was very dark and suicidal this time last year.
My ex friend is threatening to get him all riled up. The poor man is 63 years old and not in good health.

I am a juggler, desperately trying to keep all the balls in the air going smoothly and have a life. And this sad sick person with nothing better, to do threatens to come and smack them all away.
I tried to break up with PB yesterday, as she threatened to tell him my true age and that my life was a real mess when he met me. So I came completely clean with him. His answer was to tell me he would never let me go. That if he could, he would marry me.

She is threatening to show up and completely fuck up my life in any way she can.

I don't get it.
I don't go round trying to mess with people's lives. if they don't want to be my friend, I let them go. I don't threaten them. Why would a person do this?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Lazy Saturday

PB and I have his 11 yr old son this weekend. And we were completely lazy total. Never got out of jammies. I did completely rewrite the merchandise page on my website and finish a story and send it into Bikernet. And I made this interesting apple-cinnanamin- sausage thing for breakfast. The men layed on the couch and watched tv and youtube.
PB is now playing Guitar hero and the boy is watching vids on the itouch.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Road to Hell?

Big News. I'm getting a sorta free trip to Flint, Michigan. I guess this is a good thing. Flint, MI in Dec. Ok. The things I do for my friend and for my career. Well I've paid more for travels that turned out to be small pieces of hell.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Scary day and Sons of Anarchy

Due to unforseen dramas, I may have to make my personal blog here private. So I'll need your emails to email you and make it so you can keep reading my twisted ramblings. Send me a comment with your email. It won't be published.
As for what's happening. Sons of Anarchy was brutal awesome last night. An hour and a half of the best tv there is. I have posted more about it on my other blog, the one for my shop, Crazy Horse Flames. But thank you Kurt Sutter.

In fact, I post more often there than here. The shop is busy as hell and I am so very grateful for that. I am stunned and trying to work my ass off to keep it that way. These are scary days for the self employed.
Hope all is well with everyone out there. I try and keep up with you all by reading your blogs. Chessie, you don't post often enough. I miss your posts.
Ok gotta get off my ass and in the shop.