Back From Hell?

God I hope so. I haven't written in a while as life took one of turns straight into hell. Funny, how it happens, it sneaks up on you, and suddenly wham! You're in hell. Now the difference between a younger person and an older person is, the older person has most likely been in hell before and figures its just a matter of time before they get past that point, and move back into the sun. Teh younger person totally suffers as it feels like hell time last forever.
But this time was scary. In fact it may not be not over yet. But I really hope so. The past week was a rough one.

Quickies

1) PB's oldest son and gf were her for a 5 day visit from Vegas. It was wonderful. I love cooking and doing the family thing. We had great meals, shot guns, hell I even shot an Uzi! Spent time with PB's mom and dad. We went up to the lake, where it was a lovely 25 degrees. Built a campfire on the bluff overlooking the lake and toasted marshmallows. We cuddled under blankets at home and watched DVDs. Paranormal Activity is kinda spooky. It was hard dropping them back off at the airport. It felt like we were losing part of us, but at the same time, it was good to have the house to ourselves.

2) Found out my best riding buddy's cancer is back in a big way. It is all over her body, in every organ. She starts chemo next week. She's hoping to have one last year to ride and see as much of the US as possible. More about this later. I'm messed up over this.

3) Sad, sick, insane Irene is due to be around this coming weekend. I have warned Jack as she will most likely stop in there. If she gets jack sick again with stress, I may be the one who goes insane. Very sad that she has no idea what real troubles are. See #2.

4) Tons of work to get done in the shop.

5) I really need to cut back on the food and start working out again. Th cold has made it easy to stay inside and continue to get fat.

New Year, Old Hope

This blog was started as a way to work through a difficult time in my life. At the time, I was 48 years old, and my personal life had become a sad joke. The kind of story people tell when they want to feel good about their lives. "hey at least my life is better than hers." I had no children to share this life with, a former husband I still shared a life with, who had married me for all the wrong reasons. The main one being, he wanted a nice woman who would care of him. Did not matter, he was so turned off to me physically, he refused to cuddle with me, let alone share a bed. So I had slept alone for 14 years. My unhappiness had finally begun to affect my business to the point where I could not have cared less about it. It was only a burden to me.
A person can only find so many other way to satisfy the needs. One can only hike so much, ride so much, before it can no longer fill the void.
Our happy home in the country, had become an isolated compound where I spent all my nights alone. But through it all, I always hoped it would get better, but it takes two. Every new years eve, I would make a special meal, try and have a nice evening. but he would be in the garage, politely ignoring me until midnight, when he would let up and join me for a drink.

And each year I would get sadder. No kids, no love = no life.

And then last year, the new relationship, wondering where it would lead, hoping he loved me, juggling hard to keep all the balls in the air, caught up in the exileration of new hope and almost love.

And now here I am, a year later, hope renewed. My business busier than ever, doing the best work of my life, my shop out back of our little house. 2 step children to care for, a grandbaby to love, an almost daughter in law to bond with. A little piece of heaven on the shores of Lake Norman to luxuriate in not often enough. Yes, having PB in my life has made all the difference. And I now have new burdens to shoulder. And money is tight with both PB and the ex out of work.

Sure there's always problems, but now there is life with love. And life = hope.

I have a life worth living. I do not feel anger towards my ex. I take care of him because it is the right thing to do.

PB said he was glad to see 2009 end and it was a not a great year. But for me, 2009 was wonderful. It was a year of hope and love. We worked towards our future together, building up his home for us. We traveled, we rode our bikes on trips through hell and laughed and made it home safely. We danced and tailgated at the Coldplay concert under a full moon, him holding me and making sure I felt special. We relaxed at heaven by the lake, forgetting about the cold hard real world, if only for a weekend.

His son and gf came home safely from their deployment in Iraq. We ruled at the big trade show.

And each night we feel asleep in each other's arms.

2009 was a wondeful year for me.

So now its 2010. A year for work and build. A year to finish what we started in 09. A year to help make our future more enjoyable and secure. I am all about security. Its a cold hard world out there. It helps to have someone to help you stay warm.

Holiday Realities

PB has just walked out the door to go Christmas shopping. The house is quiet with the dog on the back porch and the prissy white cat purring next to me on the couch. Most of the gifts are wrapped and I have a few dishes to wash and holiday thoughts are running through my brain.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight"

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is without a doubt my favorite holiday song. Judy Garland sang it in Meet me in St Louis. And to hear the emotion in her voice as she sang it, well, it really brings up what can be the grim reality that the holidays can present. Its so easy to get sad and feel bad this time of year. To look back at the past year and beat up on yourself that you did not accomplish enough, that in some way, you did not live up to the hopes you had a year ago.
People get so caught up in spending money, in "how they look" to others, what people will think if the image they present is less than expected. But for me, Christmas is about hope and peace and love.

I have known happy Christmases but more sad ones. Tough times in a tough world that I grew up in. Visions of my mom crying because she had no money to buy things. But through it all, I have never given up that the next year will be better.
PB is sad cos he doesn't have much money to spend on gifts. But he has given me far more in love and hope than he could ever purchase at a store. To cuddle in bed with him, to feel his affection and warmth is priceless.
I'll go out soon to buy a few more gifts, get groceries for our holiday meals, food for the dog. Then go over to Jack's and give him his gifts and play with the dogs over there.
I do all I can for the people in my life and I hope that is enough for them.
That's why I love that song, cos its all about renewing hope.

"But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

You Got to Have the Sour

Walk in someone else's shoes. Or at least walk along with them and be observant. Now I have always been thankful for my life with PB. But after spending a weekend with some real celebrities? I am even more apprecative of my little life.
When I say real famous people? Well one of them was real famous. About as famous as it gets. This person is a legend and for the most part, a very good person. Pretty down to earth for a legend. And I had a whole lot of fun hanging out. And this person went out of the way to make sure I did have a good time. And that meant much to me.
But it wasn't just this that made it strange. There were other well known people and the dramas surrounding them was ...well..........something straight out of something like Desperate Housewives or some other who is doing who drama.
But it was all a bit overwhelming and if I was younger, maybe I would have embraced it all more than I did. But I am 50 years old. And yeah it was fun, but for the most part, I would have preferred to be home. I know what I like. What feels good to me.
But maybe that what it takes. You've got to have the sour to appreciate the sweet. Like if all you had was sweet all the time, you can never fully know just how sweet, the sweet can be.
And I've had plenty of sour in my 50 years.

In other news, my former best friend has gone completely insane. ....again.

The Carolina Fog

I made Christmas cookies for the first time and decided to do it with my 5 and 11 yr old godsons. Shouldn't be too hard I thought. It looks easy enough. And of course after I got into it, I realized just how clueless I was about making rolled out sugar cookies. And to find that out with a hyperactive 5 yr old bouncing around, whose snatching M&Ms, and Reese's Pieces and gobbling them down, getting even more sugared up.........well, my feet were sore at the end of the day, but I had alot of fun and can't wait to it again.

The 5 yr old had me laughing like crazy. They say the funniest things at that age. So spontaneous.
This kid loves Christmas.

Of course its always wonderful to drop them back off at my brother's. And I miss them like crazy before I even get to the end of the driveway.
By the time I took pictures of the cookies, more than half were gone. Some to my bro's house, some to my bro in law, some to PB's dad's house, and we ate some. But now that I got it down I like making the decorated cookies. The artist in me has fun with it.

Yesterday, PB and I cleaned the house, we had been literally sticking to the kitchen floor. I even scrubbed the baseboards in the kitchen, the largest room in the house. Such a nice feeling after the house I really clean. Its as if it feels new again.
I love our kitchen. My bro in law even mentioned the G Word, as in Granite countertops. If PB tiles the floor (and I hate the floor its impossible to keep clean), then GMan will have granite countertops installed. And we might put a biog screen tv on the big blank wall or knock the wall out and merge the kitchen with the front living room.
Its a foggy day here in the Carolinas and I am feeling better after the beatdown Irene gave me. The thing about Irene, it never is really over. She will find a way to drag out all the old ghosts and make them howl once more. I love her daughters very dearly, and to shut her completely out would be to shut them out.
I will not speak to her, but I am sure she will make contact with me, every so often, if only to try and knock me down once more.
Its sad that those who are closest to you can always hurt the most. I think writing the letter yesterday helped me. I'm hoping she will never see it. I write alot of letters that no one sees. Its more for me than them. Its better than hanging onto your hurt and wearing it like some kind of sick badge of honor.But despite all the sad Christmas's for me, I love the holiday season. I love the decorations, the lights, the festive mood, even the awful sweaters (of course on someone else, I'm way too cool to wear one.)
This Friday I leave for Flint, MI to meet with a very high profile customer and I have to get drawings done for a big money customer, and get some actual work done.

The Rat Shit Times

I think I only have one reader now and I guess I am posting this post for her and I. My ex friend sent me a mean email. It tore me up and gave me sharp tummy pains for a few days. I will not respond to her at all. Why?

Cos to respond would be like throwing gas on a fire than is almost out. I have enough to deal with. So I wrote her a letter this morning. And only one person other than me can read it. Here it is.

Irene,

I have thought much about the email you sent me. There are all kinds of things I would like to say to you. But for right now, its just not worth it.

You continually replay and relive all the wrongs that feel have been done to you. But what about the wrongs you have done to others? You think its right how you treat people?

I am done this time. I will treasure all the good memories I have of you but I will not allow you back into my life to hurt me anymore. Your children and family do not have the choice. The good part of you taught your girls compassion. They love you enough to allow the abuse you inflect. Yes it is abuse.

What makes it right for you rip my life apart and judge me? Condem me over small things like me not telling my David my real age or just how messed up my life was when we were first together? Why is it ok for you tell little white lies when you need to? Why???

Why is it ok to bash your David over and over for years?

But it is ok for Jimmy to treat me the way he did for 14 years? Yes and it was ok for Richie to treat me the way he did or Doug or Derek?

Did I deserve that? It was ok for them to cheat on me, to be mean and abusive to me? To blow their money on drugs and such and ok for me to pay all the bills?

But we are all supposed to throw you a non stop pity party cos you went through abuse?

So I see, I am not as good as you.

It was ok for me parents to treat me like a slave and use me to pay their bills and to take out all their anger and bitterness on me as a little child?

It was ok for me to do everything I could for them, at the expense of my own life, and then have them tell vicious lies about me to people?

And the thing is, I dont talk about it much. In fact, my david has knew none of it. Not a thing of the nightmares I have known. I don't care to relive it. To live that way is not a ife worth living.

But I think I see why you feel the way you do.

I see it now very clearly.

You are better than me. You always have been. In your mind I will always be the low rent white trash. It ok for me to suffer but when you suffer, we all have to stop and devote ourselves to you.

Your hurt is much more significant than mine cos you are better than me.

I was always the bum biker low rent loser friend.

When my parents died I got a few dishes, a table, and a 10 yr old cat that hated me.

You got $170,000 when your parents died plus possessions.

And you spent most of it in a year.

When I separated from Jimmy I got half of a house (that I don’t live in) with 80,000 owed on it. I got my possessions that I had paid for. I still had credit card bills. I still had to work my ass off. And now I have to help Jimmy with his bills for utilities, electric, and phone. I pay for his health insurance. And pay his medical bills. And I do not complain about it. I am happy that I can even do it.

You got a whole house with less than $40,000 owed on it, a car you did not buy, all your possessions and $20,000. And David pays you.

I work most days of the week and most hours of the day. As well as taking care of two houses, and cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family.

You do not even have to work anymore. And no, working around the house and in the yard is not the same as working for a living and you know it.

So nothing has changed in all these years, you are still Princess Irene, with everyone owing you ………..as your hurt and pain is so much more significant than anyone elses’ hurt and pain.

Stay away from me. I have suffered enough in my life. Enough suffering and pain for 10 lifetimes. But I don’t bring up everyday or every week or month or year. I go on with my life trying to make it better.

You say you can get past it as to do that would make the hurt and pain be right. So in your mind everyone has to suffer along with you and walk on eggs or else you’ll go off like a bomb.

You have no idea how horrible it can be when you are in “one of your moods.”

KNOW THIS – YOU ARE AN ABUSER. YOU DEVALUE your girls each time you throw one of your fits. You think cos you spent lots of money of them AFTER, that it means that you love them and its ok.

Humm, lets see, you throw a screaming fit that last for an hour or two, yelling horrible mean things and then buys your girls dinner or gifts or in some way spent money on them.

And that makes it ok in your eyes?

You are an abuser. You have become the very thing that you complain nonstop about.

You say I am mean and cruel? No I am not. I did lie to David about a few things and I have since told him the truth. But only a few things did I lie about.

You have no right to throw stones and judge how I live my life. No right what so ever.

And I have never judged you. Never………………If you think I have, then you are wrong or misinformed.

As for that fit you threw at the graduation? It was not justified and you humiliated your family. And yes, it was you. You did not take the higher road. You made 2 of your girls cry that day.

You enjoy making them cry. You do it all the time. That is mean and cruel.

And everyone is very tired of hearing about the how you had to live with rat shit. If that is the worst thing ever in your life………you silly spoiled bitch. Big fuckn deal. We all have ”rat shit” times in our lives. But we don’t throw screaming crying fits for 3 years after it

happened.

Good bye.