Friday, November 26, 2010

Across 110th Street

Tonight was one of the most incredible nights of my life. No, I did not win the lottery. Didn't meet the handsome guy of my dreams. I already got that. It actually was a very simple night out with my 6yr old godson. We went for a date night in our little town. And unbeknow to me, it was a special night in town complete with the first night of Christmas lights, all the shops were open, carriage rides, music. The little historic downtown was full of lights and people.
And every Friday night, the kids dance on the corner of the main intersection of town, playing classic 70s and 80s dance music. So the kid and I totally enjoyed our selves. We rode in the carriage, and danced on one of the platforms that surrounds one of the huge trees wrapped in Christmas lights. I felt totally uninhibited, dancing to soul music I danced to 35 years ago.
For one night I had no worries. No stresses from my business. No worrying about anyone's health. No worrying about being hurt by a man. A golden moment in life. My own treasure.
Then on the way home, we're riding in my truck, all quiet. No one is talking. Just riding along on the dark roads.
And the kid says from the back seat, " Its so nice, we have our own little world."

Yes, it sure it nice.

And its many miles away from where I came from. That's where the 110th Street reference comes in. Its a Bobby Womack song from the 70's. Its about surviving hard a life and getting to a better place. Whenever I hear that song it brings tears to my eyes. I think of how hard and hopeless all those years seemed. Always fighting to survive. And all the times, I did not think I would.

"Been down so long, getting up didn't cross my mind,
I knew there was a better way of life that I was just trying to find.
You don't know what you'll do until you're put under pressure,
Across 110th Street is a hell of a tester."

Yes, it sure is nice in our little glowing world.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Is Life Fair?

Not in this country, that's for sure. I just read an article about most of our "leaders" in Congrss being millionares. Yeah, like they lose sleep if we lose our homes. They don't care, not one bit.

Ok, got that bit of ranting out of the way. Life has been busy here. Our trip to Vegas was incredible. If I had not gotten food poisoning, it would have been perfect. Reguardless, I am very happy and content.
The shop is busy. We are all in good health. And the winter has been warm so far. I was thinking about my life, and how this fall compares to others. Like the Thanksgiving 6 years ago, when Martha's dad was dying, and my brother was threatening to burn down the house as he was fueding with his wife. But somehow through all those dark clouds, I managed to see the sun. And all ended well.
And that is my gift, I guess. I always try and see past the darkness.

And there is always darkness. You just have to savor the sun that shines in between.

So I am savoring these precious moments.

There is news on the Martha front lines. And life with my brother is always a drama. And much is going on for my shop. I spent the past 2 hours paying bills, and now I have to go over the ex's and help him register for Social Security and the VA.
When will I actually spend time working today? Who knows?
All I know is that I feel good. I'm not letting the greedhogs that run our country get me down. That's what I love about where we live. Shut out the world forget how ugly it can be when greed runs amuck.

Have a great holiday.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Imperfect Life

A quickie post, spent the weekend at the lake. One of my best buddies came down to spend the weekend with her boyfriend. The weather was incredible. It was one of those golden times that you always reminisce about and treasure forever.
Visual images were amazing. Golden rays of the afternoon sun shining through the trees bathed in their fall colors of red and gold.
The purple sunset tones reflecting on the waters of the lake. I got to take out my rowing skull boat 5 times. Then between that and hiking up and down the bluff putting everything away that was out on the dock, my legs felt great.
No weight lost yet, but man do I feel good. Healthy.

And as some of you here know I have a small bike shop. And there was a small issue the came up last week. No one likes problems, but I tend to take things too close to heart and let it eat at me until I'm a wreck.
This morning, things got much better. And I feel good. PB did alot of work to the shop last week. He finished the insulation and then installed drywall on all the walls. No time right now for taping and mudding. The walls will stay as is for the next 4 weeks. The place looks much improved!

Lesson for the week? Life is short. Time passes by too quickly. So live it and enjoy the times in between the awful things that happen. Yeah, no getting away from the awful. It will always be there lurking. So plan for the future, learn from the past, but do not live in these place. Live in the here and now. Enjoy what you have, where you are, life is never perfect. Do not waste time waiting for perfect.
As for me, I'm going outside to the shop to work. My life is always crazy chaos. Someday I hope to live at the lake. It is my golden place.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Sunday Stillness

Sundays are still days. days when there's a quiet feeling, people are sleeping in late, reading the paper, having a peaceful morning. That's the way it should be. I get to the point where I avoid leaving the sanctity of my little world here on the cul de sac.
In being tired of being fat, I have started riding my bicycle in the morning. I started a week ago while in Minneapolis. I rented a bike there and rode along the Mississipi River. It was nothing short of one of those sweet moments in life. Afternoons I take my german shephard on a 3 mile hike.
PB has been doing some work on the shop. Installed a picture window in the back wall tht looks over the woods. he brought that window home over a year ago. Little by little our life comes together.

Its not easy. Nothing is easy.

But I am happy. I have alot of work to do today. As for tomorrow? Someone once told me, 'tomorrow is promised to noone.' At the time, I did not like hearing that. But today, I guess I have what satisfies my soul. The phrase no longer bothers me.

My soul is at peace. Now I have to work to keep it that way, keep that elusive balance. I can't go back to the hell days.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Envy and the Diamond Ring

As I sit here typing it's a lazy Saturday afternoon. There's this gorgeous handsome man napping on the couch beside me. We were gonna go up to the lake, but fate played a hand yesterday and instead of fighting fate, I went with the flow. And to see what we missed up at the lake, go back my blog entries for last year, and see pics of our lake place.
I've become very contemplative at age 50. The rush of youth is over and I crave the slow steady flow of life. Rushing about from place to place is a hassle I do everything to avoid. But on my left hand is a diamond and gold ring. It has 5 stones, maybe 2 cts total weight. For many years I admired it on the hand of my former best friend Martha. I used to see that ring and think what a great life she had. In fact, I aways envied her and her life. From the time we were in 9th grade. She was always the pretty one, she had that "look." Clothes looked better on her than me. She had a flair, a sense of style and attitude. And she married a guy who could keep her in a stylish lifestyle. While I moved around place to place like a biker gypsy, she was living in an expansive home in a peaceful suburb. She always drove new, upscale cars. They took luxurious vacations, from skiing in Vail and Utah, to tropical paradise locations like the Bahamas and Aruba. She never wanted for anything, she would drop $300-400 a week at the grocery store and not think twice. While I was counting every penny keeping my grocery bill below $80 a week.
A few times a year I would go visit her, taking a break from my white trash world to visit Planet Posh. A place where everyone paid their bills on time and no expense was ever spared.
We would play cards and her sparkling ring would catch my eye, memorizing me. I would sit there and silently wish it were mine.
Then she decided to get divorced and suddenly she had to deal with money issues. With over $20,000 in credit card she needed cash, so she offered the ring to me for $1000. "You have been staring at this thing for 20 years, so you may as well have it," she said.
Suddenly the symbol of what I had always envied was mine. Her life changed dramatically after the divorce. She got the almost paid for house, the latest luxury car, the furniture, enough cash to pay off her credit cards, and a nice chunk of change every month of child support.
Then her parents died and she got even more money, almost $200,000.
But it wasn't enough. 5 years after the divorce and 2 years after the inheritance, she is $40,000 in credit card debt. She pretty much lives alone in that house, that house that used to be safe haven from the trouble of my nightmare existence. A house that has become a nightmare to live in at all. She spends every waking moment reliving painful moments in her past. Drudging up all those bad memories and going over them over and over and over. She has a hard time functioning, every surface of her once luxurious home is cluttered with items she can't stop buying.
As if buying more things will somehow bring her happiness. She rants and raves hysterically, goes into irrational crying jags about things that happened years ago. She takes out her anger on anyone still in her life, her children and her ex.
She recently demanded that her ex take her back and remarry her. She has complained for years about the abuse he heaped on her, and now she wants him back?
She no even resembles the Martha I knew. When she quiets down she still has the old charm, the physical beauty is still there, but its all very twisted.

And for the first time since 1975, I am no longer envious of what she has. I luxuriate in my own life, however humble it is.

As for the ring, it is where it belongs, on my finger. She never appreciated it. I don't she ever appreciated much of what she had. I don't she ever will. And that is something I could never envy. Life is a mysterious gift, in whatever capacity you know it to be.

And now I'll go out into the shop and work. I'll enjoy my little shop in the woods, my beautiful man, my humble little life.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Black Stallion

Lots has happened since I wrote last. I spent two luxurious weekends at the lake cabin. Did a bunch of rowing. Seeing life on the lake. The fancy houses. What it must be like to live in them. So many of them empty most of the time. But even tho our cabin is more of a shack, its so hard to leave after a weekend. PB feels the same. WE`want to live there. Thats the plan.

My former friend Martha is completely out of control. Hurting her family in selfish ways that are beyond cruel. Cruel, narcissistic, nihilistic.

Sitting here watching the Black Stallion. I went to the movies in 1979 to see it. It was one of my favorite books from childhood. And the movie lived up to the book. Incredibly beautiful. The book takes place about 1940. 40 years before the movie was made. Hard to believe the movie was made 31 years ago. I was 19 yrs old. At the time I had no idea how young I was.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Who Gives a Flying F%@% about Tommy Hifiger?

One of the bigest problems with our society is nothing is ever enough. We as a society can't get enough of the lifestyles of the rich. We live vivariously through them. I'm not exception, or at least I was not. Was being the operative word. There's no escape from it. On Yahoo's main page the top story was Tomy Hilfger's new home. I did not click on it, cos I don't care.
What am I concerned with today? Nothing. My mind was free. I relaxed in the morning, cuddled with PB, watched Romancing the Stone. Then put in a few hours working in the shop. And now this afternoon, I cleaned the kitchen and made chicken cordon blu with marinated tomatoes from the garden. As I cooked I watched "The Russians are Coming," an old movie from 1964.

The simple life. Not wanting more. Just happy and very thankful for what I have. A home, a wonderful man, sweet children in my life like my stepson and my 2 godsons. Living for the now. Happy in the moment.

So many years spent wanting more. We live from want to want. Not me. Not anymore.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Ah the Rollercoaster!

This time yesterday I was luxuriating in the thankfulness that my shop has a somewhat healthy workload. A miracle in this dismal economy. My head was free from the cloud of stess and worry for the first time in years.
Then today PB comes home from work and annouces he's been laid off again. 3 times in 1 year. Sure he'll be able to help me and hopefully he'll get called back to work before too long. There's no plumbing jobs out there. The pickins are mightly slim. So again I need to try and build my business up enough to support two people.

I'm not feeling awful or anything. I'll be fine. Its just the up and down of the rollercoaster. Nope don't like it. Life's challenges? Nope, I've had enough challenges, enough for several lifetimes. Smooth routines, no bad surprises. That's what I need.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

A Better Sunday

It was the first normal sort of Sunday in many months. There was no ovewhelming feeling of tension weighing down, crushing my spirit. I was cooking in the kithen, watching the movie, "Country." Its about the farming crisis of the 80s'.
The veggies from the garden have been piling up. The poor garden has been so neglected for the past month. Weeks of being in the shop from 7am to 9 pm, so beat by 9pm, thatbythe time I clean the shop and come inside, there's nothing left. I barely cooked meals. The house began to get that cluttered, untidy effect.
But startng this week my work schedule is getting more managable. And that has made all the difference.
I picked a bunch of sweet banana peppers, cabano and anahiam peppers, a zuccinni, a boatload of tomatoes. I sauteeded them up. Then pounded some chicken breast flat, and rolled them up with ham and swiss cheese, dipped in milk and rolled in seasoned bread cumbs and baked that for 30 minutes. had some tomatoes and cucumbers marinating in salad dressing.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Than PB and I sat down at the table and had Sunday dinner for the first time in over a month. yeah, when we have his son, we have dinner at the table, but not that much.
It all felt good after so many months of stress. The stress was tearing me up, beating me down.
I think of a friend of mine, who is getting ready for a trade show in a few weeks. I know all too well how hard that will be when you wait until the last minute to get ready. Trying to accomplish several months worth of work in 3 weeks. It is something that feels like pure hell.
I was thinking how awful it would feel to be in that posistion. It made me feel so good to be where I am. Sure I won;t be at the show and I'll miss the networking an excitement, but hell, it feels great to not have that brutal weight hanging over me.
I had lunch with my nieces last Friday. It was a simple thing, go to their new apartment and them go to lunch at Red Robin. Then we went back to their place and talked
and laughed.
And it felt wonderful. For the first time in a long time, the stress of work was not crushing me constantly.

As for my personal life, it has been wonderful lately. PB has been so sweet and supportive.
But sitting here on a lazy Sunday, life feels worth living.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Not sure

Not sure how to feel about my personal life. Too many questions. Trust is a hard thing when you have a past like mine. So much betrayal. I wonder if total trust will ever be possible.
I have a friend like me, how she gets through it all, I don't know. She too is a giver but somehow is not as sensitive as me.
But now is not the time for getting lost in it. I have too much to lose as far as business goes. Bills must be paid. I have to take care of myself. No one there to do it for me. No one to fall back on. There never has been, not really. No parents, no family.
Most people I know, like Martha, always have someone, she has her ex hes always is there to bail her out.
I just have to keep going, keep strong, and somehow, things will work out one way or another.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Suddenly it was June!

June 2010. How did that happen? Not too long ago it was Jan and I was in hell. Now its hot as hell. Happy father's day to all the dads out there. And men who are dads to kitties and puppies they count as dads. Got to get in the shop so here's some quick news
1) I'm almost caught up in my work and its great feeling. 2 more days and I should be there.
2) PB and I had a very bad week. The stress levels of the past year and our reactions to them resulted in some behavoir that was less than ideal. Nothing super bad, but we almost broke up. I tried to leave. Even had the cat packed up in her carrier. But he talked me into staying. We both had alot to think about, both he and i had to be very honest about ourselves. And that is not ever an easy thing to do. That was 2 weeks ago. The end result? We both realized what we have is something to treasure and never lose. Something to embrace. I have to learn not to let the stress from my work injure our relationship.
3) PB's younger son and I are bonding so well. I love that kid. We bought him a little dirt bike for his 12th birthday. Weren't sure if he's like it as he hates motorcycles. He got on it and ran it right into PB's jeep. But like a trooper, he got back on it and has been riding it like a clever madman ever since. He tries not to ride beyond his abilities which are improving all the time.
One of things that made me very depressed over the last 10 years was not having a child of my own. This boy is the closest I will ever come. So it means the world when he hugs me.
4) And big news, I stood up to PB's ex. Instead of "hiding" at a school event, (which I do so she won't give PB any crap) I stood tall and proud. her son hugged me twice in front of her. She looked small, dumpy and wearing a cheap ill fitting shirt that looked awful when it was new.
and 5) PB and I are going to San Franciso next weekend for his family reunion. His dad is flying us out. I've never been there. Plus Tuesday is our 2 yr anniversary. 2 years of cuddling, hugs, kisses, and unbelievable emotional support from the handsomest man to ever walk the earth. No one in my life has ever been so good for me. He's my world.

Friday, June 4, 2010

The Scare

The dr's office was trying to get a hold my ex yesterday at 7:30 am. Jack's dr wanted him to come in to redo a blood test immediately. Said his pottassium levels were too high.
So I look it up and find out that high P levels are a sign of an impending massive heart attack. Another sign, being tired and feeling poorly. Jack had felt tired and poorly. Yikes.
But it could be the blood test was wrong, if they draw the blood too quickly it can give a false high as the red blood cells can be distorted. I guess it happens alot.
I was a mess until they called Jack back after the new test.

The new results were fine. The being tired was cos Jack is taking malaria meds for tick bites.
If it was been a true high P level, then Jack would have been in the hospital and I would be there with him and it would have turned into one of those horrible weekends of waiting, praying and hoping desperately for things to go right. A feeling I know all too well.

Nothing like staring despair and desperation in the face and then shut the door on it. A wonderful feeling.
Life moves on.

Friday, May 28, 2010

A Quickie

The weeks seem to go by faster and faster. Last weekend was a wonderful escape from my usual world. Camping next to a stream with good friends. The kind of thing that makes life worth all the painful stuff we have to go through.
I'm glad I got away. I really needed it. I couldn't see things clearly. I did not have the kind of energy I need to get things accomplished that need to be done and finished.
Granted the weekend activities beat me up a bit, but somehow today I am seeing things clearly, what I need to do. Took out my clipboard for the first time in weeks and starting listing things that need done.
As it is memorial Day weekend, I cannot help but think of last year when Martha thought I should spend the weekend with her as PB had to work the race. Of course she did not tell me but just suggested and hoped I'd come and then blew a major gasket when I stayed home. Time flies no matter what and it feels good to put her drama behind me.
And on another note, age 50 is not being kind to me. Ok guys, you can stop reading now as the following is women stuff. The M Word has invaded my world. In a word or 3, not fun. The hot flash stuff is pretty awful. But I am toughing it out. Not complaining, trying to not turn up the ac too much.
So I am thinking I have too much body fat, that's why I am suffering so much with this "M" stuff. I have got to get in shape. So in my usual poor financial judgement (why stop now? Why not keep blowing money I have so much experience at it) I am buying a rowing shell. Its used. Now sure i could keep riding my mt bike, but after hell, 17 or 18 years of it, I am bored with it. I find excuses not to bike. meanwhile my body is going to hell or atleast looks like it is.
So instead of spending the money on something smart, I'm spending it on me. Its not alot, but enough to give me pause.
Ok, back to work I go. I've got alot to catch up with workwise. Meanwhile I dream of lazy weekends at the lake, reading or rowing. With no work related things on my mind. So lets see how soon I get there.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Green Days

There's alot of scary stuff going down in the world. Some sick stuff like the US coming in at 28th in the world for the best place to be a mother. The number one determing factor was how crappy moms get treated in this country by their employers and health insurnace providers. I don't know what worse for this country, if the working class isn't getting terrorized by terrorists, they're getting screwed over by corporate greed. Sad realities for a country founded on freedom. Yeah, freedom for who? Not for the average american who works their ass off surviving only to pay most of their check to one insurance company after another. Car insurnace, health insurnace, life insurnace, home, flood, and on and on.
Ok that rant is over and here's my point, the average person can't do a thing about any of it. I just read a story that 44% of Congress are millionaires. You think they actually care about the people who have helped make them rich? Nope. So why worry?
I'm not gonna. I've spent half my life worrying about one thing after another.

I need a break for this next half. PB and I spent last weekend at the lake. We were only gonna go up for one night and ended up spending 2 nights. No tv, no internet, and our place has a very isolated feel as there are thick woods on each side and it insulates us from the neighbors. We sat in the gazebo over the water and watched life happen around us on the lake. The geese were having a battle with our dog over the dock. The ducks were chasing each other around over the water. PB tried to catch fish but Zoey tried helping too much and scared most of the fish away. I couldn't stop laughing, she was so funny.
But it was 2 days of heaven. Its so easy to shut everything out when I am there. Then there are these big incredible houses I row past on the water and people are seldom in them. Mansions that only get used once in a while.
Am I wrong to not want to know whats going on? I've spent so much of my life in pain and heartache. I don't want to know more of the ugly things that happen around me. I'm tired. Really tired of a life, in which so much time was spent being sad and scared. Tired of fighting. Of struggling to survive.
When I'm not working my ass in the shop and dealing with the pleasuredome of self employment, I want to relax and work in my garden. I want to cuddle with PB and watch movies. I want to sit on the bluff at our lake place and cook meals over an open fire, then go and row or swim around the lake. I want to ride our motorcycles with friends. I want to shut out the greedheads and the nut jobs and enjoy what life I have left in the world.

Monday, April 26, 2010

A View from the Compound

Wonderful dreamy weekend with PB and his younger son Brad. PB hung some of my artwork up on the walls. And my Road warrior poster. I rode bicycles with Brad . We planted the veggie garden and cleaned up the house. I sat there and watched the one of brad's favorite shows. he really wanted me to share something with him, like watching that show.
The whole weekend just had this dreamlike quality to it.

And now it is Monday and of course not everything is going smooth. Glitch city sometimes. But I don't have that feeling of everything caving down on me. The feeling that was driving me under this winter.

Last year I had a chance to get a bunch of work, and I went for it. It would have required lots of brutal long hours. Of course the money would have been incredible. But in the end I glad I did not get the work. It would have burnt me out.

So here I sit, work in the shop, dealing with the downside of having your own shop. But life feels good. I'm finally getting used to being happy.
PB has changed my life and I treasure the life we share.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Feeling Better Again.

There was a dark time in January when I felt I would never feel good again. I completely blew it on a high profile project. I mean bad. And the stress level has been up ever since. The only thing that kept me going was my beautiful PonyBoy and fantasizing about summer weekends at the lake with him.

And last week I finally cracked. I had reached my limit. I was done, toast. Puking my way through a trade show last weekend. My tummy in knots. But it seems I have finally dialed down from all that stress.

I still am having problems eating but maybe I'll lose that 15 lbs I gained as I ate my way through the winter.

Ok out into the shop I'll go. PB will be home from work soon. He'll work with me for a while, then we'll eat pizza. Tonight I get to cuddle in bed with the sweetest, sexiest man on the planet, ( and yes I honestly feel that way.)

Monday, April 12, 2010


Last week was one of those weeks when the stress overwhelmed me. I had to take care of my brother's 10 dogs. That is, go to his house, 15 minutes away twice a day and spend 30 minutes feeding, watering, and cleaning the kennels. It took up two hours a day during a week, when I could not afford to lose such time.
But he takes of my our dog when we are gone, so I did it.

Tuesday was my birthday, and it was a wonderful day. And it was all downhill after that. Thursday i tried to break up with PB, it had been a long day and I really needed his help. We had a very important trade show to do and I was also stressed about only having 3 actual workdays last week. PB was very tired after work and he did not feel good, so he was not too enthusiastic about helping me load up the trailer. Plus I'd had a bad day with the ex on Thursday.

I guess after all I have been through its hard to really let someone in. I am so used to doing things on my own. Not needing any help or rather admitting that I need help.
But I realized something last week, after all the fighting, I really do need PB. I need his help, I want his help.
I'm tired. I'm tired to being alone, of doing everything I can for people and not getting back that support most of the time.
My brother fixed my truck last week. He wants to do everything he can to it, that it needs to last another 200,000 miles. It felt good to hear him talk that way. I'm glad I took care of his dogs.

AS for PB, I am never going to try and break up with him again. I'm not going to give him a hard time anymore. I need him in so many ways. I have so much bitterness and anger at the times in my life when people, well basically used me. My parents, my boyfriends, my friends, taking advantage my my work ethic, of my helpfulness, and it resulting in them getting what they needed and me standing alone, in whatever mess they left me in.

PB is not like that. And I have to stop treating him like they should have been treated. He is the most helpful, nurturing, kind, loving person I have ever had in my life. He deserves better. He deserves the me, I want to be.

BTW, his ex made issues about the weekend. I just love the double standard. So unfair.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Quick Takes

There's something about Spring that soothes me. Despite the mindblowing hectic stress of finishing up winter/spring projects in the shop, there are days like today that just feel ......good.
Today the atmosphere has that rare feel that only comes before a spring time rain. The brillant bright green of baby leaves sprouting everywhere. It casts a surreal glow on a cloudy day.

So here's what's up.

1) I had a wonderful 50th birthday with PB. He came home from work and cooked me dinner, ribeye steaks, twice baked potatoes and corn. His step mom made me a cake. We had to go to my bro's to take care of his 10 dogs. Yes there are 10, the fam is on vacation to SeaWorld. So we go out to the jeep and there's this incredible magenta colored rose bush in the front seat of the Jeep. I was floored, as PB is quite poor these days, and I was only expecting a dinner, not a gift. It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.

2) Yesterday was awful. Business issues to deal with, and after 16 years, I do not know why I expect my ex to be tactful with people. I hope he did not really screw things up for himself business wise. I was over his house and we had a business meeting with someone and no matter how many times I tried to change the subject, he just took the conversation down a path it
should have never been on in the first place. I do not think the person was impressed. Tact and diplomacy have never been in my ex's vocabulary. So he may have rendered much of my hard work for his shop, all for nothing, with one 5 minute conversation.

3) It really threw me for a loop. I was so fed up, I came home and gave PB a very hard time. I guess I don't want to trust anyone. I work so hard to keep us all in our homes and our bills paid. And sometimes it feels so hopeless. Yesterday was one of those hopeless days. And the underlying stress of the past few months caught up with me and I cracked. Despite the overwhelming situations I keep going, telling myself everything will work out for the better and everything will be ok. And then days like yesterday blow me over and I fall apart. I tried to get PB to break up with me. I don't want to trust or depend on anyone.
Not that PB has ever let me down, but a lifetime of bad programming can set a person up for a lifetime of disappointments.

4) But today I feel better. I'm enjoying the spring colors, the weird vibe in the air that only comes in the early springtime. The ex has got to stand on his own, be his own man, guide his own destiny. He is simply far too dependant on me.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Westboro Baptist "Church?"

Ok so this supposed church that protests at military funerals and all kinds of other events. I saw something about this on facebook this morning and spent a few minutes looking it up. And here is how I feel about it.

1) Its not really a church. Its a washed up lawyer who came up with a sick, but novel way to keep his name in the news and make money.

2) He and his greedhog children are bullies. Plain and simple. They torment those who have done no wrong. Families who are going through great tragedies as they bury their loved ones. if this "church" has such a hatred for this country, why don't they go somewhere else? If they have such contempt of the government, why don't they protest Congress instead of brutally picking on people who are simply trying to bury their loved ones?

3) They do it because they are cowardly bullies who hide behind the same laws that protect the same people they are against. They are hypocritical bullies who only want publicity so they can get money.

4) If anyone is going to burn in hell? They can rest assured they will be first in line.

5) People like them make the world an ugly place.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

6:30 am

PB got called back to work today. He's been laid off since Labor Day Weekend '09. He was sad as he can't spend all day helping me in the shop anymore. It really got his attention that what he enjoyed for the past 7 months is over for now.

So it is back to the little routine I knew when I first met him. Back then Jun 08, PB had his little life, his little routine that he followed most days. Every morning he'd get up at 5:15am, get dressed, make and pack his lunch and midmorning snack into his soft sided cooler and fill his football travel mug with coffee. He'd be out the door by 6. He'd get home by 5, take a nap, then go on the computer and look on the personals and play poker online. Every other Friday night, he's play poker at his buddy's house. He did not expect much from life and was happy with what he had. His dad even had a little place at the lake, but PB never used it. It would deviate from the routine, and he did not think that far.
He was happy in his simple life. Once when he was much younger, he'd had dreams, but like many of us, those dreams had evaporated and were mostly forgotten.

Then I came along. For the most part his life remained unchanged. I craved a normal simple life. I envied the routine he had and embraced it. New love fills a person's body with crazed hormones. You don't sleep, you lay there at night, trying to fall asleep, you don't eat, you don't know why. All you do know is that the entire world now revolves around that new person, and nothing else matters. At least that's the way it was for me.

I'd lay there awake, laying next to the most beautiful man I'd ever seen, cuddled up to him, hoping against hope, that I would get to always be there with him. Everything was fresh and new.
And I wake up with him every morning at 5:15, make and pack his lunch, kiss him good morning and after he'd left for work, clean the kitchen and start my day. It was as if I was fresh and new again. 25 years old with my whole life ahead of me, not 48 and too many miles of bad road behind me.
I had not willingly woken up that early since 1984 when I lived on the Connecticut River in a 200 yr old farmhouse. I'd wake up with a cup of tea and climb out onto the porch roof and watch the sun rise over the endless fields across the street. 26 years later, those fields are gone, covered by a shopping mall and office buildings, hell, even the farmhouse was torn down in Nov.
But in the almost two years since PB and I met, his life has changed quite a bit. The lake place he never used? We use it alot. And some of those lost dreams became reality. He has his own Harley. He has been to quite a few bike events, like Daytona Bike week, The VTwin Expo, The Big Mountain Run, Mountain Fest. Even SEMA in Las Vegas. And he has hung and partied with some of the best people in the industry.
But with those adventures and dreams, come the dues. You must pay dues. Not everyone has the cahonies for that. Long hours in the shop, things going wrong, and the awful hours it takes to fix them, dealing with the financial realities of the custom business. Not many of us get rich, and many who do, well, they had "previous endeavours" that made them the resources that paid the bills.
The wild hormones of new love have faded. Each night, I sleep like a 4 yr old after a day at the amusement park. I eat too much as I am happy, for the first time in my life, I have become fat. The kitchen is not always sparklingly clean. PB's home no longer feels like a full on miracle each day. It is my home and I am used to it.
But I do take it all for granted? No.

PB and I are in deep love. The kind of love that we hope new love turns into. Each time I look at him, its like looking at him for the first time. I see this incredibly sexy man, who is so sweet and so beautiful inside and out. My heart melts all over again.

We gave each other what the other one needed. I gave wings to his dreams and believed in him. He gave me something that I had never known, real love, that cuddles me at night, that makes me tea each morning, that fusses over me as if I were a princess. That tries to protect me from the bad old world.
Its getting light out side. I'll take out my bicycle and do about 8 miles. I haven't done my morning workout since May 09. But now its all changed. each morning, I'll rise at 5, make my man his lunch, send him off to work, then clean the kitchen and do my workout, taking in all the beauty that a home in the country offers. Then I'll have my breakfast and get out into the shop.

I'm 50 years old and I have my whole life ahead of me.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sunny Daze...

It was so cold this past winter, it actually seemed as if it would never end. Then to go to Daytona and have it be the coldest Daytona Bike Week I had ever been to (since 1993.) So it is a wonderful thing to have temps here in Cane Creek, NC in the 60s and 70s. Sunday it rained but I still had to do some riding gear testing so off PB and I went, had to take riding pics for the magazine article. There's so many very cool places to use as backdrops for photos. Taking riding pics are harder than it looks. You can take 20 pics and if you get one great one, you're lucky. But it is always fun to go riding with him, discovering the backcountry around here.
But I am loving the new FXRG gear, its mostly all it was cracked up to be. Plus I now have a Nolan helmet. Between that and the gear, I feel like I can ride though anything.

Never thought I would be digging on a full face helmet but so far, I am hooked. Plus my face will now be saved. 30 plus years of riding have done a number on my skin. (flapping down the road. I hate that.)

Martha did not stop by either of my places this past weekend. So hell yes. She caused me so much stress last week in a way that only family can do.

This Saturday I am riding across SC to my first Motor Maids meeting. Its supposed to be sunny and cold, high 61. But I'll be warm and comfy behind my helmet and under my gear. Its amazing how much having this stuff has changed the way I ride. I enjoy riding in any kind of weather.
And riding across SC is one of my favorite rides. Its like riding through the Twilight Zone. All these little backwater towns straight out of 1960. So many neat old houses and barns. So much history. I haven't gotten to do this particular ride in many years. So I'm looking forward to it. Plus I get to meet the other members in my district. PB can't go as he has his younger son this weekend. First time I have ridden alone on a long ride since PB started riding.

Meanwhile I dream of weekends at the lake. Yes, I am happy and enjoying these days. Who knows when hell may arrive?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Quickie for the Day

1) PB installed a brick path to the shop from the backporch. It looks incredible. He has such an attention to detail when he does anything. he's now getting ready to put in a small flowerbed for us. For our two rose bushes, a cornflower plant and a few other perrinials.
2) Martha might be coming into town this weekend. I dread if she decides to stop by. Her bipolar problem has taken her over. It is very ugly.
3) I just need a good long 8 or so weeks with no traveling. I love where I am at, I love where my life is at these days. of course there's always problems to deal with, but traveling just makes it all harder. I will not be flying anywhere for a while.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


The prissy little Goth cat is sleeping on the loveseat and I just finished doing some computer drawings. Z dog is on squirrel watch keeping the woods safe from squirrel rampages. PB is out in the shop working. He has such an attention to detail when he works. It seems so strange. As if it was meant to be. All those years of working alone, carrying the weight of my business by myself. And here I meet this man who sure has hell seems to be all I ever wanted. Well most of what I wanted in a life partner. He's sweet, loving, considerate, passionate, artistic, loves to cuddle, likes most things I like, enjoys having adventures but likes to stay home. Plus I find him incredibly gorgeous. After almost 2 years, I am still completely goofy over him.
A buddy of mine asked me if PB minded that I rode a badassed custom chopper and PB rode a pretty much stock 1200 sporty. The friend said, no way could he do that, that his woman would have cooler bike than him.

I told him PB was not like that. He is secure enough in his manhood that he is proud to have a woman with such a cool bike. Male pride is a complex thing. Or maybe not. Most men in my life were very proud, but any successes I had seemed to bother them to the point where they would try and bring me down. They'd say mean, demeaning things to make themselves feel better.

The young Pony Girl put up with that. At least for a while.

But the main thing, is PB is happy to have the life he has with me. Thankful to even have a bike. To have a job working on motorcycles.

It is another thing PB and I have in common, we both know how lucky we both are to have each other and the life we share together. I look around our little house, and the atmosphere is one of peacefulness. Sometimes it surrounds me and makes me feel a security that I have never known before.

I know I can let the darkside of life get me down at times, but this winter had a tendency to do that.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Sunshine and Dr T's Favorite Subject

Zoey Dog is barking like crazy. The squirrels are going rouge. Just like Sarah Palin. PB and I are back from Daytona. We froze our butts off down there. Standing at the Broken Spoke, watching Gallager with Jay, then riding back to my buddy's house. Laying there in bed, wondering if I would ever be warm again.
But we arrived home to find it sunny and warm in old NC. We had a very good time there and we almost did not go. Its too easy to be scared these days. What with the economy, strange news stories, and such. Dr Hunter Thompson called it 'The Fear.'
But we went. On the way down, the main reason for my trip was looking like it might not happen. Business these days is a gamble, and I decided to take a gamble and go anyway. It was a trip that was more successful than I had expected. There were a few nice surprises and even with the cold weather, I had a smile on my face most of the time.

There is scary talk these days. I stay away from watching or reading the news. Many of the middle class jobs in this country are gone. Will they be back? Who knows?
Shows on tv that also can frighten or rather, put things in stark perspective. One of them is "Life After People." And last night we watched a show on Nat Geo also about the planet without people.
The bottom line? Our life is but a blink of the eye. We race around hither thither, somehow thinking all we do matters in a much bigger way than it actually does. The powerful greedhogs who manipulate government policies so they can become even richer, what a waste. And the current state of our country here is a testament to that very thing. The sun will still rise and set and then do whatever nature intends, and there is nothing they can do about it. Not one damn thing. They cannot live forever. They can only con themselves into thinking so.

So I'll look out into the woods that lay behind the house and savor the golden sunlight streaming through the trees. I'll watch silly tv shows like "America's Next Top Model" and relax. I'll take weekend trips on the bikes with PB, into the mountains and have fun playing on the curves. I'll take my godsons on playdates and smile and laugh. I'll spend weekends at the shack at the lake and be thankful for every golden moment at that incredible place.
I'll look into PB's amazing blue eyes and wonder how I ever got so lucky to share a life with that precious man.

Reminds me of that line from 'Moonstruck,' where Cher says her ring is only temporary and her mom replies, "Everything is temporary.'

You got to enjoy and savor it while you can. We're only human.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Why the Silly BS???

I just on a online m/c board and was reminded why I tend to stay away from the current m/c world unless my living depends on it. I mean, if customer keep on coming to my shop, then I would seldom even go to bike events. In fact, there is one bike event I usually go to every year, but this year I will not be there.

Life is just way too short for the stupid infighting. This one did that or this one said this. That is one thing about being old, and being in this business longer than most of the whiners now involved. And these guys just keep on whining and crying and creating drama.

Plus, its a scary world out there. I also tend to stay away from watching or reading the news, as it is just plain scary. Two men in my household are currently without jobs and there are no jobs in their professions around here. Hell, 20 years again, when I was welding, I would get $10 an hour. Now the cost of living has increased a bunch and I look in the paper and hell, that's still the going rate for welding? And one of the men is in his 60's. Like anyone would hire him to weld?

Millions of people can't find jobs cos most of the jobs are gone forever, most to China.

My brother in law is constantly talking about how the economy is going to fall completely and the nightmare that will follow. It drives me nuts as I have enough to do without trying to deal with his end of the world talk. Ok I have to work my ass off, come up with enough work to keep two households going and now it all may be for nothing as the the USA crumbles around me?

Oh I just want it to be summer and go to the lake and relax and forget.

But its winter and its cold and wet. And times are tough and ( getting tougher maybe.) All while the world watches tv and forgets how much richer the rich are getting and how most of us are getting poorer.
I mean who gives a fuck about the "stars' of reality tv? Like that is gonna help me pay my bills?
Oh well, enough of that. Somehow I'll survive and my life will go on. And Wall Street execs got over 20 Billion in bonuses. But the majority of the country can barely pay their bills. Sick, sick world.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Feeling Alive in the Middle of Winter

And to think I did not even want to go to the VTwin Expo. I'd been feeling so beat down, the last thing I wanted to do was to put myself in the public end of my industry and feel even worse. But somehow, it all worked out better than I would have ever thought. I had a great time and PB did too.
Seeing and spending time with old and new friends, making connections and renewing old ones. I came away feeling energized and ready to work. I felt good again.

Have you ever felt so bad, that it seemed as tho you'd never feel good again? Well maybe not never, but not feel good again for a very long time?

I did last month. But it was the best VTwin Expo ever for me. I can remember the 2005 Expo, sitting next to the railing on the huge mezzanine over the lobby of the Westin, at the Drag Specialties Party, and feeling awful. Alone, overwhelmed and beat down by life.

Part of what made it such a special time this year was PB. He was amazing. It takes a real man to stand back while his woman does her thing. For me that thing is networking, talking, connecting. Not once did he make me feel guilty for leaving him alone for moments here and there. He talked to people, looked at stuff and did not give any me attitude. It takes a real man to do that. Not many men could or would.

He puts up with all my BS with endless patience, the stupid little fits I throw when I am stressed. He babies me and comforts me when I don't feel well. He supports me emotionally and professionally in a way that I have never known before and sadly, that most careerminded women, will never know.

And to think I found him on Yahoo personals. In my head I can clearly see that moment when I first saw him, a breathtaking vision in a white tank top and levis. And he is mine. I call him my beautiful man. Because that is what he is to me.

So many moments in my life that felt like pure hell, mostly due to me giving my heart to someone who did not deserve it.

Oh well, it is snowing outside and they are saying it will be quite the snowstorm. I am ready. In the winter of 1985/86, back home in CT, I lived by Lake Terrimougus. One night, it snowed bigtime and I took my 2 german shephards for a walk around the 3/4 mile lake. The snow covered streets were so soft that I ran most of the way. When I was done going all the way around the lake, I felt so good, I did it again. It felt amazing, surreal. I was 25 years old with my whole life ahead of me.

I'll never forget that magic night. And whenever it snows at night, enough to give a good cover of snow, I'll take my dog and go walking.

Living in the South, I don't get the chance to do that very often, In fact I've only done it once since 1990.

Maybe tonight 50 year old women will go out hiking in the snow with her dog. There's a lake down the street even.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Back From Hell?

God I hope so. I haven't written in a while as life took one of turns straight into hell. Funny, how it happens, it sneaks up on you, and suddenly wham! You're in hell. Now the difference between a younger person and an older person is, the older person has most likely been in hell before and figures its just a matter of time before they get past that point, and move back into the sun. Teh younger person totally suffers as it feels like hell time last forever.
But this time was scary. In fact it may not be not over yet. But I really hope so. The past week was a rough one.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


1) PB's oldest son and gf were her for a 5 day visit from Vegas. It was wonderful. I love cooking and doing the family thing. We had great meals, shot guns, hell I even shot an Uzi! Spent time with PB's mom and dad. We went up to the lake, where it was a lovely 25 degrees. Built a campfire on the bluff overlooking the lake and toasted marshmallows. We cuddled under blankets at home and watched DVDs. Paranormal Activity is kinda spooky. It was hard dropping them back off at the airport. It felt like we were losing part of us, but at the same time, it was good to have the house to ourselves.

2) Found out my best riding buddy's cancer is back in a big way. It is all over her body, in every organ. She starts chemo next week. She's hoping to have one last year to ride and see as much of the US as possible. More about this later. I'm messed up over this.

3) Sad, sick, insane Irene is due to be around this coming weekend. I have warned Jack as she will most likely stop in there. If she gets jack sick again with stress, I may be the one who goes insane. Very sad that she has no idea what real troubles are. See #2.

4) Tons of work to get done in the shop.

5) I really need to cut back on the food and start working out again. Th cold has made it easy to stay inside and continue to get fat.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year, Old Hope

This blog was started as a way to work through a difficult time in my life. At the time, I was 48 years old, and my personal life had become a sad joke. The kind of story people tell when they want to feel good about their lives. "hey at least my life is better than hers." I had no children to share this life with, a former husband I still shared a life with, who had married me for all the wrong reasons. The main one being, he wanted a nice woman who would care of him. Did not matter, he was so turned off to me physically, he refused to cuddle with me, let alone share a bed. So I had slept alone for 14 years. My unhappiness had finally begun to affect my business to the point where I could not have cared less about it. It was only a burden to me.
A person can only find so many other way to satisfy the needs. One can only hike so much, ride so much, before it can no longer fill the void.
Our happy home in the country, had become an isolated compound where I spent all my nights alone. But through it all, I always hoped it would get better, but it takes two. Every new years eve, I would make a special meal, try and have a nice evening. but he would be in the garage, politely ignoring me until midnight, when he would let up and join me for a drink.

And each year I would get sadder. No kids, no love = no life.

And then last year, the new relationship, wondering where it would lead, hoping he loved me, juggling hard to keep all the balls in the air, caught up in the exileration of new hope and almost love.

And now here I am, a year later, hope renewed. My business busier than ever, doing the best work of my life, my shop out back of our little house. 2 step children to care for, a grandbaby to love, an almost daughter in law to bond with. A little piece of heaven on the shores of Lake Norman to luxuriate in not often enough. Yes, having PB in my life has made all the difference. And I now have new burdens to shoulder. And money is tight with both PB and the ex out of work.

Sure there's always problems, but now there is life with love. And life = hope.

I have a life worth living. I do not feel anger towards my ex. I take care of him because it is the right thing to do.

PB said he was glad to see 2009 end and it was a not a great year. But for me, 2009 was wonderful. It was a year of hope and love. We worked towards our future together, building up his home for us. We traveled, we rode our bikes on trips through hell and laughed and made it home safely. We danced and tailgated at the Coldplay concert under a full moon, him holding me and making sure I felt special. We relaxed at heaven by the lake, forgetting about the cold hard real world, if only for a weekend.

His son and gf came home safely from their deployment in Iraq. We ruled at the big trade show.

And each night we feel asleep in each other's arms.

2009 was a wondeful year for me.

So now its 2010. A year for work and build. A year to finish what we started in 09. A year to help make our future more enjoyable and secure. I am all about security. Its a cold hard world out there. It helps to have someone to help you stay warm.