There's something about Spring that soothes me. Despite the mindblowing hectic stress of finishing up winter/spring projects in the shop, there are days like today that just feel ......good.
Today the atmosphere has that rare feel that only comes before a spring time rain. The brillant bright green of baby leaves sprouting everywhere. It casts a surreal glow on a cloudy day.
So here's what's up.
1) I had a wonderful 50th birthday with PB. He came home from work and cooked me dinner, ribeye steaks, twice baked potatoes and corn. His step mom made me a cake. We had to go to my bro's to take care of his 10 dogs. Yes there are 10, the fam is on vacation to SeaWorld. So we go out to the jeep and there's this incredible magenta colored rose bush in the front seat of the Jeep. I was floored, as PB is quite poor these days, and I was only expecting a dinner, not a gift. It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.
2) Yesterday was awful. Business issues to deal with, and after 16 years, I do not know why I expect my ex to be tactful with people. I hope he did not really screw things up for himself business wise. I was over his house and we had a business meeting with someone and no matter how many times I tried to change the subject, he just took the conversation down a path it
should have never been on in the first place. I do not think the person was impressed. Tact and diplomacy have never been in my ex's vocabulary. So he may have rendered much of my hard work for his shop, all for nothing, with one 5 minute conversation.
3) It really threw me for a loop. I was so fed up, I came home and gave PB a very hard time. I guess I don't want to trust anyone. I work so hard to keep us all in our homes and our bills paid. And sometimes it feels so hopeless. Yesterday was one of those hopeless days. And the underlying stress of the past few months caught up with me and I cracked. Despite the overwhelming situations I keep going, telling myself everything will work out for the better and everything will be ok. And then days like yesterday blow me over and I fall apart. I tried to get PB to break up with me. I don't want to trust or depend on anyone.
Not that PB has ever let me down, but a lifetime of bad programming can set a person up for a lifetime of disappointments.
4) But today I feel better. I'm enjoying the spring colors, the weird vibe in the air that only comes in the early springtime. The ex has got to stand on his own, be his own man, guide his own destiny. He is simply far too dependant on me.