Last week was one of those weeks when the stress overwhelmed me. I had to take care of my brother's 10 dogs. That is, go to his house, 15 minutes away twice a day and spend 30 minutes feeding, watering, and cleaning the kennels. It took up two hours a day during a week, when I could not afford to lose such time.
But he takes of my our dog when we are gone, so I did it.
Tuesday was my birthday, and it was a wonderful day. And it was all downhill after that. Thursday i tried to break up with PB, it had been a long day and I really needed his help. We had a very important trade show to do and I was also stressed about only having 3 actual workdays last week. PB was very tired after work and he did not feel good, so he was not too enthusiastic about helping me load up the trailer. Plus I'd had a bad day with the ex on Thursday.
I guess after all I have been through its hard to really let someone in. I am so used to doing things on my own. Not needing any help or rather admitting that I need help.
But I realized something last week, after all the fighting, I really do need PB. I need his help, I want his help.
I'm tired. I'm tired to being alone, of doing everything I can for people and not getting back that support most of the time.
My brother fixed my truck last week. He wants to do everything he can to it, that it needs to last another 200,000 miles. It felt good to hear him talk that way. I'm glad I took care of his dogs.
AS for PB, I am never going to try and break up with him again. I'm not going to give him a hard time anymore. I need him in so many ways. I have so much bitterness and anger at the times in my life when people, well basically used me. My parents, my boyfriends, my friends, taking advantage my my work ethic, of my helpfulness, and it resulting in them getting what they needed and me standing alone, in whatever mess they left me in.
PB is not like that. And I have to stop treating him like they should have been treated. He is the most helpful, nurturing, kind, loving person I have ever had in my life. He deserves better. He deserves the me, I want to be.
BTW, his ex made issues about the weekend. I just love the double standard. So unfair.