Sunday, January 24, 2010

Back From Hell?

God I hope so. I haven't written in a while as life took one of turns straight into hell. Funny, how it happens, it sneaks up on you, and suddenly wham! You're in hell. Now the difference between a younger person and an older person is, the older person has most likely been in hell before and figures its just a matter of time before they get past that point, and move back into the sun. Teh younger person totally suffers as it feels like hell time last forever.
But this time was scary. In fact it may not be not over yet. But I really hope so. The past week was a rough one.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


1) PB's oldest son and gf were her for a 5 day visit from Vegas. It was wonderful. I love cooking and doing the family thing. We had great meals, shot guns, hell I even shot an Uzi! Spent time with PB's mom and dad. We went up to the lake, where it was a lovely 25 degrees. Built a campfire on the bluff overlooking the lake and toasted marshmallows. We cuddled under blankets at home and watched DVDs. Paranormal Activity is kinda spooky. It was hard dropping them back off at the airport. It felt like we were losing part of us, but at the same time, it was good to have the house to ourselves.

2) Found out my best riding buddy's cancer is back in a big way. It is all over her body, in every organ. She starts chemo next week. She's hoping to have one last year to ride and see as much of the US as possible. More about this later. I'm messed up over this.

3) Sad, sick, insane Irene is due to be around this coming weekend. I have warned Jack as she will most likely stop in there. If she gets jack sick again with stress, I may be the one who goes insane. Very sad that she has no idea what real troubles are. See #2.

4) Tons of work to get done in the shop.

5) I really need to cut back on the food and start working out again. Th cold has made it easy to stay inside and continue to get fat.

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year, Old Hope

This blog was started as a way to work through a difficult time in my life. At the time, I was 48 years old, and my personal life had become a sad joke. The kind of story people tell when they want to feel good about their lives. "hey at least my life is better than hers." I had no children to share this life with, a former husband I still shared a life with, who had married me for all the wrong reasons. The main one being, he wanted a nice woman who would care of him. Did not matter, he was so turned off to me physically, he refused to cuddle with me, let alone share a bed. So I had slept alone for 14 years. My unhappiness had finally begun to affect my business to the point where I could not have cared less about it. It was only a burden to me.
A person can only find so many other way to satisfy the needs. One can only hike so much, ride so much, before it can no longer fill the void.
Our happy home in the country, had become an isolated compound where I spent all my nights alone. But through it all, I always hoped it would get better, but it takes two. Every new years eve, I would make a special meal, try and have a nice evening. but he would be in the garage, politely ignoring me until midnight, when he would let up and join me for a drink.

And each year I would get sadder. No kids, no love = no life.

And then last year, the new relationship, wondering where it would lead, hoping he loved me, juggling hard to keep all the balls in the air, caught up in the exileration of new hope and almost love.

And now here I am, a year later, hope renewed. My business busier than ever, doing the best work of my life, my shop out back of our little house. 2 step children to care for, a grandbaby to love, an almost daughter in law to bond with. A little piece of heaven on the shores of Lake Norman to luxuriate in not often enough. Yes, having PB in my life has made all the difference. And I now have new burdens to shoulder. And money is tight with both PB and the ex out of work.

Sure there's always problems, but now there is life with love. And life = hope.

I have a life worth living. I do not feel anger towards my ex. I take care of him because it is the right thing to do.

PB said he was glad to see 2009 end and it was a not a great year. But for me, 2009 was wonderful. It was a year of hope and love. We worked towards our future together, building up his home for us. We traveled, we rode our bikes on trips through hell and laughed and made it home safely. We danced and tailgated at the Coldplay concert under a full moon, him holding me and making sure I felt special. We relaxed at heaven by the lake, forgetting about the cold hard real world, if only for a weekend.

His son and gf came home safely from their deployment in Iraq. We ruled at the big trade show.

And each night we feel asleep in each other's arms.

2009 was a wondeful year for me.

So now its 2010. A year for work and build. A year to finish what we started in 09. A year to help make our future more enjoyable and secure. I am all about security. Its a cold hard world out there. It helps to have someone to help you stay warm.