Friday, February 12, 2010

Feeling Alive in the Middle of Winter

And to think I did not even want to go to the VTwin Expo. I'd been feeling so beat down, the last thing I wanted to do was to put myself in the public end of my industry and feel even worse. But somehow, it all worked out better than I would have ever thought. I had a great time and PB did too.
Seeing and spending time with old and new friends, making connections and renewing old ones. I came away feeling energized and ready to work. I felt good again.

Have you ever felt so bad, that it seemed as tho you'd never feel good again? Well maybe not never, but not feel good again for a very long time?

I did last month. But it was the best VTwin Expo ever for me. I can remember the 2005 Expo, sitting next to the railing on the huge mezzanine over the lobby of the Westin, at the Drag Specialties Party, and feeling awful. Alone, overwhelmed and beat down by life.

Part of what made it such a special time this year was PB. He was amazing. It takes a real man to stand back while his woman does her thing. For me that thing is networking, talking, connecting. Not once did he make me feel guilty for leaving him alone for moments here and there. He talked to people, looked at stuff and did not give any me attitude. It takes a real man to do that. Not many men could or would.

He puts up with all my BS with endless patience, the stupid little fits I throw when I am stressed. He babies me and comforts me when I don't feel well. He supports me emotionally and professionally in a way that I have never known before and sadly, that most careerminded women, will never know.

And to think I found him on Yahoo personals. In my head I can clearly see that moment when I first saw him, a breathtaking vision in a white tank top and levis. And he is mine. I call him my beautiful man. Because that is what he is to me.

So many moments in my life that felt like pure hell, mostly due to me giving my heart to someone who did not deserve it.

Oh well, it is snowing outside and they are saying it will be quite the snowstorm. I am ready. In the winter of 1985/86, back home in CT, I lived by Lake Terrimougus. One night, it snowed bigtime and I took my 2 german shephards for a walk around the 3/4 mile lake. The snow covered streets were so soft that I ran most of the way. When I was done going all the way around the lake, I felt so good, I did it again. It felt amazing, surreal. I was 25 years old with my whole life ahead of me.

I'll never forget that magic night. And whenever it snows at night, enough to give a good cover of snow, I'll take my dog and go walking.

Living in the South, I don't get the chance to do that very often, In fact I've only done it once since 1990.

Maybe tonight 50 year old women will go out hiking in the snow with her dog. There's a lake down the street even.

No comments: