IF!!!

Why is it so hard to say those three little words? If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would meet a guy who would care for, about me, want to help me with my work, my business and completely change his life to fit with mine and he would be good looking enough to have his own calender, plus the added bonus of being great in the bed, I would have called them nuts.

And here it is 5 months later and I have that. But I also have the problem of J. I don't want to hurt him. We had another talk today. He doesn't blame me for what I did or how I feel. he holds nothing against me. he says he knows what i went through, how hard I tried to make him see. I'm scared he's going to hurt himself.

My friends and family say, "too bad," he had 13 years to have me and he never did and it took losing me completely to make him want me. I wish I could be so hard.

They are all nervous I will screw up things with PB. They all like him. I like him too. I more than like him.

last night we watched the Sex in the City movie and PB says I am Samantha. Maybe I am, but I am more a combo of Carrie and Sam. I love sex, but only with the right guy. And my heart and body belong to PB and him only. Samantha left Smith for herself. I would never do that. I said that to PB. he was happy I felt that way.

Even tho, he never says it, I think PB does not want to lose me. And even tho, I would sooner chew glass than tell PB those 3 words, I don't want to ever think of losing him. His soft fur on that rock hard chest, those incredible blue eyes that sparkle in the night. I'll never forget those eyes on that first date, in my truck, I knew it then. Knew I had never seen eyes like that and wanted those eyes to sparkle at me forever.

I have a beautful sweet caring man who I adore.

So why is it so hard? Why did after 13 years of not wanting me did J change?