Sunday, December 7, 2008


I am allowing myself a rare luxury this morning. I am allowing myself to feel at peace. To enjoy the morning rather than letting myself feel a sense of dread at each turn. The boys are sleeping and the house is quiet. It is so beautiful here. We are creating a peaceful home. Hard to believe I am part of this, so far anyway.
And that's all part of it, letting just sit back and enjoy what is around you. Sure it sounds easy enough, but we are so programmed to worry. Just watching tv to relax. The life insurance commercials, " hurry and but this as you're going to die any moment!!" Or the pill commercials. "Hey man take these, you're old! Life is nearly over for you. Get a few more years! "
Hell I was just 20 years old not too long ago. 40 seemed a million miles away. Now 40 is behind me.
PB and his boy were up late playing games PB always wanted to be a rock star. He loves Guitar Hero cos it lets him play at it. It was fun watching him sit back and enjoy something. He's more self concious than he lets on.
I don't know, he wanted me to try it but I was too self conscious, not wanting to look like a dumbass in front of him. But then maybe I looked foolish by not doing it. Hell. We are quite the pair of idiots sometimes. he had mentioned to me that he wanted me to leave my extra camera at his house. Now Margorie had wanted to buy the camera a few months ago but I was thinking maybe I wanted to give it to PB. But I did not know. I didn't know how he felt about me and what if turned out to be an asshole user guy? I found out what an insecure, sweet man he is. So real. So I gave him the camera last night and he was saying it was too much. I felt foolish and turned away. He finally admitted that back when I had told him about Marge wanting the camera he had hoped I would give it to him. So I wanted to give it to him and he wanted me to, and NEITHER of us could admit to the other until last night.
As for J, he is still scaring me. I dread going home and finding that he did something horrible. He has this dramatic way of looking at things. Claiming I must have hated him. I never did, although there were times he was so mean I wanted to hate him. I also found out that he never wanted me with the kind of passion he had for Leslie. And that hurt most of all. I always suspected it but now I know I was right and it hurt. All those years and I was never good enough. Well not until now.

He wants us back together so much. But he killed it over the years and I cannot get it back. But it doesn't mean I don't love him.

I care so much for that man in the room behind me. That sweet beautiful creature that for now is mine. I asked night not to break my heart and he replied "Never." But we still can't say that word yet. The question is do we feel it?

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