Sitting here working on the book. A few more weeks and it will be done. And that will be great. I'll pay off my credit card debt and start life anew and that is a wonderful truth.
But is truth always the best thing?
I found out the truth about MA and it hurt. How awful and cruel she is. I can only hold onto all those years of friendship and know that they were good times for me. To toss them away would be too wasteful.
I will be finding out some long wondered about truths this weekend. I had my reservations about it. About finding out that truth. Would it be the best thing for me?
But with the way things are going, the hard truth behind the veil of what i actually have been seeing, I am finding out that sometimes, you have to take a shortcut through the bullshit or else you waste your life.
I have so little life left to waste.
I had a wonderful night with PB last night. Sometimes it feels like we are so close. It feels so good and safe in his arms. So secure when I am laying next to him. I brought over one of the lamps. I wanted him to see what treasures I have found in my life. The beauty. I wanted to share it with him and for myself to spend more time enjoying the objects I have discovered. For it to be at MA's, to be ignored, to gather dust, just another object that had her attention for a a few precious seconds before she found something else to occupy her mind. An object she thought would bring her happiness. He said it can stay on my nightstand. MY night table. I liked hearing that. I needed to hear it.
So what if I find that truth is not what I had hoped. Will it change the way I feel and react? Will he notice the change in me?
But what if the news is good? What if he was truthful with me? Then I can go on and get things done. I mean I'll still get things done no matter what. But decisions needed to be made very soon. The direction I will go.
Bad or good, this truth may not change a thing. Maybe it is just information I need to have for my own peace of mind. Something to base a future decision on, if there are new factors.
Truth is a funny thing.
But is truth always the best thing?
I found out the truth about MA and it hurt. How awful and cruel she is. I can only hold onto all those years of friendship and know that they were good times for me. To toss them away would be too wasteful.
I will be finding out some long wondered about truths this weekend. I had my reservations about it. About finding out that truth. Would it be the best thing for me?
But with the way things are going, the hard truth behind the veil of what i actually have been seeing, I am finding out that sometimes, you have to take a shortcut through the bullshit or else you waste your life.
I have so little life left to waste.
I had a wonderful night with PB last night. Sometimes it feels like we are so close. It feels so good and safe in his arms. So secure when I am laying next to him. I brought over one of the lamps. I wanted him to see what treasures I have found in my life. The beauty. I wanted to share it with him and for myself to spend more time enjoying the objects I have discovered. For it to be at MA's, to be ignored, to gather dust, just another object that had her attention for a a few precious seconds before she found something else to occupy her mind. An object she thought would bring her happiness. He said it can stay on my nightstand. MY night table. I liked hearing that. I needed to hear it.
So what if I find that truth is not what I had hoped. Will it change the way I feel and react? Will he notice the change in me?
But what if the news is good? What if he was truthful with me? Then I can go on and get things done. I mean I'll still get things done no matter what. But decisions needed to be made very soon. The direction I will go.
Bad or good, this truth may not change a thing. Maybe it is just information I need to have for my own peace of mind. Something to base a future decision on, if there are new factors.
Truth is a funny thing.
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