Holiday Realities

PB has just walked out the door to go Christmas shopping. The house is quiet with the dog on the back porch and the prissy white cat purring next to me on the couch. Most of the gifts are wrapped and I have a few dishes to wash and holiday thoughts are running through my brain.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight"

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is without a doubt my favorite holiday song. Judy Garland sang it in Meet me in St Louis. And to hear the emotion in her voice as she sang it, well, it really brings up what can be the grim reality that the holidays can present. Its so easy to get sad and feel bad this time of year. To look back at the past year and beat up on yourself that you did not accomplish enough, that in some way, you did not live up to the hopes you had a year ago.
People get so caught up in spending money, in "how they look" to others, what people will think if the image they present is less than expected. But for me, Christmas is about hope and peace and love.

I have known happy Christmases but more sad ones. Tough times in a tough world that I grew up in. Visions of my mom crying because she had no money to buy things. But through it all, I have never given up that the next year will be better.
PB is sad cos he doesn't have much money to spend on gifts. But he has given me far more in love and hope than he could ever purchase at a store. To cuddle in bed with him, to feel his affection and warmth is priceless.
I'll go out soon to buy a few more gifts, get groceries for our holiday meals, food for the dog. Then go over to Jack's and give him his gifts and play with the dogs over there.
I do all I can for the people in my life and I hope that is enough for them.
That's why I love that song, cos its all about renewing hope.

"But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

You Got to Have the Sour

Walk in someone else's shoes. Or at least walk along with them and be observant. Now I have always been thankful for my life with PB. But after spending a weekend with some real celebrities? I am even more apprecative of my little life.
When I say real famous people? Well one of them was real famous. About as famous as it gets. This person is a legend and for the most part, a very good person. Pretty down to earth for a legend. And I had a whole lot of fun hanging out. And this person went out of the way to make sure I did have a good time. And that meant much to me.
But it wasn't just this that made it strange. There were other well known people and the dramas surrounding them was ...well..........something straight out of something like Desperate Housewives or some other who is doing who drama.
But it was all a bit overwhelming and if I was younger, maybe I would have embraced it all more than I did. But I am 50 years old. And yeah it was fun, but for the most part, I would have preferred to be home. I know what I like. What feels good to me.
But maybe that what it takes. You've got to have the sour to appreciate the sweet. Like if all you had was sweet all the time, you can never fully know just how sweet, the sweet can be.
And I've had plenty of sour in my 50 years.

In other news, my former best friend has gone completely insane. ....again.

The Carolina Fog

I made Christmas cookies for the first time and decided to do it with my 5 and 11 yr old godsons. Shouldn't be too hard I thought. It looks easy enough. And of course after I got into it, I realized just how clueless I was about making rolled out sugar cookies. And to find that out with a hyperactive 5 yr old bouncing around, whose snatching M&Ms, and Reese's Pieces and gobbling them down, getting even more sugared up.........well, my feet were sore at the end of the day, but I had alot of fun and can't wait to it again.

The 5 yr old had me laughing like crazy. They say the funniest things at that age. So spontaneous.
This kid loves Christmas.

Of course its always wonderful to drop them back off at my brother's. And I miss them like crazy before I even get to the end of the driveway.
By the time I took pictures of the cookies, more than half were gone. Some to my bro's house, some to my bro in law, some to PB's dad's house, and we ate some. But now that I got it down I like making the decorated cookies. The artist in me has fun with it.

Yesterday, PB and I cleaned the house, we had been literally sticking to the kitchen floor. I even scrubbed the baseboards in the kitchen, the largest room in the house. Such a nice feeling after the house I really clean. Its as if it feels new again.
I love our kitchen. My bro in law even mentioned the G Word, as in Granite countertops. If PB tiles the floor (and I hate the floor its impossible to keep clean), then GMan will have granite countertops installed. And we might put a biog screen tv on the big blank wall or knock the wall out and merge the kitchen with the front living room.
Its a foggy day here in the Carolinas and I am feeling better after the beatdown Irene gave me. The thing about Irene, it never is really over. She will find a way to drag out all the old ghosts and make them howl once more. I love her daughters very dearly, and to shut her completely out would be to shut them out.
I will not speak to her, but I am sure she will make contact with me, every so often, if only to try and knock me down once more.
Its sad that those who are closest to you can always hurt the most. I think writing the letter yesterday helped me. I'm hoping she will never see it. I write alot of letters that no one sees. Its more for me than them. Its better than hanging onto your hurt and wearing it like some kind of sick badge of honor.But despite all the sad Christmas's for me, I love the holiday season. I love the decorations, the lights, the festive mood, even the awful sweaters (of course on someone else, I'm way too cool to wear one.)
This Friday I leave for Flint, MI to meet with a very high profile customer and I have to get drawings done for a big money customer, and get some actual work done.

The Rat Shit Times

I think I only have one reader now and I guess I am posting this post for her and I. My ex friend sent me a mean email. It tore me up and gave me sharp tummy pains for a few days. I will not respond to her at all. Why?

Cos to respond would be like throwing gas on a fire than is almost out. I have enough to deal with. So I wrote her a letter this morning. And only one person other than me can read it. Here it is.

Irene,

I have thought much about the email you sent me. There are all kinds of things I would like to say to you. But for right now, its just not worth it.

You continually replay and relive all the wrongs that feel have been done to you. But what about the wrongs you have done to others? You think its right how you treat people?

I am done this time. I will treasure all the good memories I have of you but I will not allow you back into my life to hurt me anymore. Your children and family do not have the choice. The good part of you taught your girls compassion. They love you enough to allow the abuse you inflect. Yes it is abuse.

What makes it right for you rip my life apart and judge me? Condem me over small things like me not telling my David my real age or just how messed up my life was when we were first together? Why is it ok for you tell little white lies when you need to? Why???

Why is it ok to bash your David over and over for years?

But it is ok for Jimmy to treat me the way he did for 14 years? Yes and it was ok for Richie to treat me the way he did or Doug or Derek?

Did I deserve that? It was ok for them to cheat on me, to be mean and abusive to me? To blow their money on drugs and such and ok for me to pay all the bills?

But we are all supposed to throw you a non stop pity party cos you went through abuse?

So I see, I am not as good as you.

It was ok for me parents to treat me like a slave and use me to pay their bills and to take out all their anger and bitterness on me as a little child?

It was ok for me to do everything I could for them, at the expense of my own life, and then have them tell vicious lies about me to people?

And the thing is, I dont talk about it much. In fact, my david has knew none of it. Not a thing of the nightmares I have known. I don't care to relive it. To live that way is not a ife worth living.

But I think I see why you feel the way you do.

I see it now very clearly.

You are better than me. You always have been. In your mind I will always be the low rent white trash. It ok for me to suffer but when you suffer, we all have to stop and devote ourselves to you.

Your hurt is much more significant than mine cos you are better than me.

I was always the bum biker low rent loser friend.

When my parents died I got a few dishes, a table, and a 10 yr old cat that hated me.

You got $170,000 when your parents died plus possessions.

And you spent most of it in a year.

When I separated from Jimmy I got half of a house (that I don’t live in) with 80,000 owed on it. I got my possessions that I had paid for. I still had credit card bills. I still had to work my ass off. And now I have to help Jimmy with his bills for utilities, electric, and phone. I pay for his health insurance. And pay his medical bills. And I do not complain about it. I am happy that I can even do it.

You got a whole house with less than $40,000 owed on it, a car you did not buy, all your possessions and $20,000. And David pays you.

I work most days of the week and most hours of the day. As well as taking care of two houses, and cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family.

You do not even have to work anymore. And no, working around the house and in the yard is not the same as working for a living and you know it.

So nothing has changed in all these years, you are still Princess Irene, with everyone owing you ………..as your hurt and pain is so much more significant than anyone elses’ hurt and pain.

Stay away from me. I have suffered enough in my life. Enough suffering and pain for 10 lifetimes. But I don’t bring up everyday or every week or month or year. I go on with my life trying to make it better.

You say you can get past it as to do that would make the hurt and pain be right. So in your mind everyone has to suffer along with you and walk on eggs or else you’ll go off like a bomb.

You have no idea how horrible it can be when you are in “one of your moods.”

KNOW THIS – YOU ARE AN ABUSER. YOU DEVALUE your girls each time you throw one of your fits. You think cos you spent lots of money of them AFTER, that it means that you love them and its ok.

Humm, lets see, you throw a screaming fit that last for an hour or two, yelling horrible mean things and then buys your girls dinner or gifts or in some way spent money on them.

And that makes it ok in your eyes?

You are an abuser. You have become the very thing that you complain nonstop about.

You say I am mean and cruel? No I am not. I did lie to David about a few things and I have since told him the truth. But only a few things did I lie about.

You have no right to throw stones and judge how I live my life. No right what so ever.

And I have never judged you. Never………………If you think I have, then you are wrong or misinformed.

As for that fit you threw at the graduation? It was not justified and you humiliated your family. And yes, it was you. You did not take the higher road. You made 2 of your girls cry that day.

You enjoy making them cry. You do it all the time. That is mean and cruel.

And everyone is very tired of hearing about the how you had to live with rat shit. If that is the worst thing ever in your life………you silly spoiled bitch. Big fuckn deal. We all have ”rat shit” times in our lives. But we don’t throw screaming crying fits for 3 years after it

happened.

Good bye.

Toxic Friends

Good news, pretty interesting things are happening with my career.

Bad news - My ex best friend since 1974 sent me a vicious email. over the past few years she has outed me as a friend then tried and get me back, I love ehr so I usually go back. She last outed me in May.
She is one of those people who have no filter in what they say. As family can often do, she knows how to push the right button, in my case the guilt button. She lashes out at those who love her the most as she knows she can hurt the most that way. She has no friends left. Lives in her house with her 2 youngest daughters. Lives on child support from her ex. No job. She has almost no contact with the outside world saying its the only way she can keep from being hurt.
She rants and cries on a daily basis, over things that happened in the past, as if the hurt had happened yesterday and it still fresh.

I write this as my life these days is a balancing act. Trying to keep a business going in a horrible economy, BF and ex husband laid off their jobs, trying to help the x start his own shop anf footing the bill for it, trying to keep all the bills paid, trying to keep the ex husband's head in a good place. He was very dark and suicidal this time last year.
My ex friend is threatening to get him all riled up. The poor man is 63 years old and not in good health.

I am a juggler, desperately trying to keep all the balls in the air going smoothly and have a life. And this sad sick person with nothing better, to do threatens to come and smack them all away.
I tried to break up with PB yesterday, as she threatened to tell him my true age and that my life was a real mess when he met me. So I came completely clean with him. His answer was to tell me he would never let me go. That if he could, he would marry me.

She is threatening to show up and completely fuck up my life in any way she can.

I don't get it.
I don't go round trying to mess with people's lives. if they don't want to be my friend, I let them go. I don't threaten them. Why would a person do this?

Lazy Saturday

PB and I have his 11 yr old son this weekend. And we were completely lazy total. Never got out of jammies. I did completely rewrite the merchandise page on my website and finish a story and send it into Bikernet. And I made this interesting apple-cinnanamin- sausage thing for breakfast. The men layed on the couch and watched tv and youtube.
PB is now playing Guitar hero and the boy is watching vids on the itouch.

The Road to Hell?

Big News. I'm getting a sorta free trip to Flint, Michigan. I guess this is a good thing. Flint, MI in Dec. Ok. The things I do for my friend and for my career. Well I've paid more for travels that turned out to be small pieces of hell.

Scary day and Sons of Anarchy

Due to unforseen dramas, I may have to make my personal blog here private. So I'll need your emails to email you and make it so you can keep reading my twisted ramblings. Send me a comment with your email. It won't be published.
As for what's happening. Sons of Anarchy was brutal awesome last night. An hour and a half of the best tv there is. I have posted more about it on my other blog, the one for my shop, Crazy Horse Flames. But thank you Kurt Sutter.

In fact, I post more often there than here. The shop is busy as hell and I am so very grateful for that. I am stunned and trying to work my ass off to keep it that way. These are scary days for the self employed.
Hope all is well with everyone out there. I try and keep up with you all by reading your blogs. Chessie, you don't post often enough. I miss your posts.
Ok gotta get off my ass and in the shop.

A Weekend of Thanks

It would not be Thanksgiving weekend in the Pony Girl World without some kind of drama. Thanksgiving weekend actually started on Wed for me.

I cooked up a turkey. Each year I get tired of not having a turkey as I am usually at someone else's home for dinner. Plus I wanted to make sure the ex had a turkey dinner. Got to be good ex wife. So I made a 13 lb turkey complete with french meat stuffing (hamburger and sausage with celery, onions, and spices) and bread stuffing. I also made roasted carrots and pearl onions.
Thursday morn I took Jack his dinner, then PB and I went to his dad's for meal #1. It was quite wonderful. Lots of good food and conversation.

After that PB and I went up to the lake to winterize the cabin's plumbing. Plus there were things we needed up there, like my smoker and the ladder. Looking out across the lake it was hard to say goodbye. There will not be any more lake weekend until spring. Sure we can ride up there anytime but I want to get alot of work done this winter. In my little dream world, I want to take off 2 months next summer. So we will be busy ants this winter instead of lazy grasshoppers.
We loaded up the Jeep and headed for PB's mom house for dinner #2. Another nice meal and family time.

Friday and Saturday were sort of work days. We did do alot of motorcycle riding. Then last night we went to see Trans Siberian Orchestra with PB's mom. We met her in the Post Office parking lot where she would leave the car she was driving and ride into the city with us. She was driving her hubby's most prized possession, his very sweet mint condition Corvette and she was nervous as hell about it. (Can you see where this is going?)
We get half way to the concert and she remembers she forgot to lock the Vette. She was that nervous. So I turn around, drive back and

we lock the car. Then drove into the city.
The concert was simply wonderful. Better than last year I think. The music is incredible at a TSO concert but the visuals are absolutely unreal. Its worth going just for that. So we leave the show, its a beautiful night in the city. And drive back to the suburban post office.
The parking lot is empty. No Vette.
PB"s poor mom is almost in tears. Now this is one sweet lady. She is so harmless. It made me feel so bad for her.
We see a sign that says any car left there will be towed. We did not notice this sign when we got there first. I am praying the car got towed. We call the police and sure enough the car was towed. Towed one hour after we left it there. We try and call the tow company, of course there is answer.
So we drive her home. She's a wreck.Sitting there feeling so very bad.
As of now we have not heard anything like if the car is still in mint condition. Actually after reading the News of what is happening over the weekend to other people in the country, having a Corvette towed ain't shit.

Today my tasklist includes riding the sportster to Target in search of holiday lights and paper towels. And spend time in the shop working. Then put up the holiday lights. Then tonight, I must do some actual work related writing.
Hope everyone had a drama free holiday weekend.

A Gas Can and a Turkey=The Best Thanksgiving Ever

Most people have a memory of Thanksgiving day that stands apart from all the others. There's just
just something about it...some kind of etheral mystic feeling that brands it into your brain.

For me, its memories of waking up to peacefully falling snow, children laughing, a 5 gallon can of gasoline, screaming and crying, and death. As I was putting the turkey in the marinading brine this morning, I could not help but think back to that day.
I was up in Connecticut, a beautiful place to spend the winter holidays. I had brought my best friend's kids up there as their grandfather was dying and their mom wanted them to be there to say goodbye. It was deathwatch at that house. Her dad was dying and all they could do was to try and make him comfortable (impossible) and not drown in their own sorrows during those long hours. The two sisters took turns being with him. My friend had the nightwatch. her children were staying a motel down the road.


I was at my brother's house during the day. I had left there Wed night to go spend the night with the kids at the motel. I had shopped that night for Thanksgiving dinner, buying everything. Not that I could afford it, but I wanted to do it. I was all excited about these new recipes I wanted to make. Including soaking the turkey in a wine brine marinade. After I was done, I happily drove away into the night, to the motel, foolishly believing everything would be ok.


It was a fun night in that motel room. Laughing with the kids, watching their goofy shows on MTV, stuff I don;t normally watch.
We awoke to a snowy world and went outside to play in th eparking lot, throwing snowballs, laughing.
I felt so good, it was like being high, driving along through the pure snowy landscape. A place whre it looked like nothing could go wrong.
I arrived at my bro's house and he was alone with the kids. There had been high drama. Too godawful ong to get into here. But soon she walked through the door. And there was talk of restraining orders, crying, yelling, and a 5 gallon can of gasoline and a match.


It was a wonerful way to start Thankgiving morning.


So i did what most New England women would do, I began cooking. My bro stood over me yelling that 'why was I bothering to cook when the house would soon be burning down?'
But I paid him no mind and kept at it, making the stuffing, stuffing the turkey, putting it all in the oven. Preparing the roasted carrots and onions with fresh thyme. Shutting out the drama unfolding behind me.
I even made homemade gravy and mashed potatoes.
I spent the rest of the day giving my older godson a ride on the atv, climbing the hills in the woods, both of us laughing and screaming. it was a blast.
We finally all sat down to dinner later. A perfectly roasted turkey, fluffy potatoes piled in a bowl, roasted veggies still steaming, bowls full of rich gravy, hot rolls, butter, cranberry sauce, it looked like something out of Martha Stewart.


My bro proclaimed it was the best Thanksgiving ever.


My friend's dad died that night. And we buried him a few days later, on a gray drizzlely day. And then I drove the kids back down south to where we live.


For me, Thanksgiving has always been a bittersweet holiday. The good and bad. Family appiness and drama. I guess I'm just used to it.


My advice for Thanksgiving hellish situations? Just keep on cooking. Just maybe that 5 gallon can of gasoline will not meet up with the match and you'll get to have a wonderful dinner.

The F Word

Looking out the kitchen window I may have figured out why I feel such a sense of peace here. A forest of tall, beautiful hardwoods stand about 20 feet from the house. To look out this window, is like looking out of the window from my old homes in Connecticut. Places like Marlborough, Glastonbury, Guilford. It brings me that eternal sense of peace, that only a childhood home can bring one.

Right now the leaves are off the trees and you can see endlessly into the gray woods. Bits of fall colors, burnt orange and brown scattered throughout the landscape. My shop set into the fringe of these woods. 15 feet from the back porch steps.

The thing about peace is that it is so fleeting. Some horrific event may happen at any minute and blow you right into the middle of the shitstorm. But for today, Sunday, I sit on the couch. PB and his son on the other couch. A gray ghost sky outside.

I'll most likely get some work done today. Get an early start on the week. Holidays come too soon.

Lately I've been thinking about how much my life has changed in the past year. A year ago, changes coming in my life at a stomach churning pace. Not knowing how I would get through it all. Relentlessly slogging forward, hoping somehow....it would all work out. Back then, FEAR was the word of the day. I tried not to pay attention to that feeling, but it was always there, creeping in from the edges. A constant reminder of how fragile my existence was at that time.

FEAR.

I've spent so much of my life with that word hanging over me, coloring my world. My life.

Fear of what? Fear that loved ones may get deathly ill. Fear that i would not have money to pay bills. Fear that I would not have a place to live. Fear that I may screw up in my work. Fear of the repercussions of the screwing up. Fear of letting people down.

I think many women are ruled by fear, as in fear we don't look good enough, so we buy tons of shit (makeup, clothes, plastic surgery, ect) that we think makes us look better.

Fear that our spouse doesn't love us. Which was one of my biggest fears this time last year.

But my man does love me and very much. And love goes a long way in keeping all the other fears away. Women carry alot on their shoulders. So you men who are reading this, if you are wondering why your woman (if indeed they are) is bitchy or grumpy or silent or whatever. Make sure she know you love her. Tell her in words and actions. It works real good on me.

Pictures from our trip.

The Whole "Happy" thing

I guess I'm just not used to being happy. Always waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Maybe its an indian thing. Its the way I was raised.
But these days I am quite happy. And very slowly, I am getting used to it. I remember the days 20 years ago, driving home on those cold northern winter nights from the HD dealer after finishing a job or working with them on a job. Seeing the warm lights on in the houses in the woods and the Christmas lights. thinking how wonderful it must be to live there. All warm and happy.
Tough times. Cold days. Long nights in the shop. For too many years.
So its hard to trust when things are good. I can be so very thankful for my life these days.

I'm Back

We're back from Vegas and it was a wild, extremely hectic week. Fun? Yeah sort of. But very stressful. Business is business. One of the most vivid memories I brought home with me, was the parting words of the GF of one of the most high profile custom shop in the world. She gave me a hug goodbye and said, "I just pray things get better at our shop. I can only hope it does."

It was very sobering and made me so thankful for all we have.

I got home and we have been working ever since. last week was weird as we got home and only had a half week to work. Plus the strain of going for 8 days with little sleep at full throttle took its toll. We're all rested up and this week will be very full. In fact, I won't be blogging much.

That woman's words will stay with me all winter. Scary days in the custom m/c business.

And if that's not enough, reading Cyril's blog this morning was even more of a wake up call. I am so thankful for my customers and their support.

Halloweenin'

A little girl I used to know (who is now a very worldly 22 going on 40, yr old), used to say the cutest things. She would not go trick or treating, she'd say she was going "halloweening." She also had mall shoes, shoes you'd wear only to the mall. Too cute. Ya gotta embrace that age cos too all too soon, your IQ suddenly drops and you become stupid and uncool.
Two weeks ago me and the godsons did our pumpkin thing, results are seen in the above picture.
I haven't had time to write much, as PB and I are getting ready to go to the big yearly trade show in Vegas. We leave Monday morning. I am displaying a bike at one booth there plus working at another booth.
So we've been going like hamsters frantically running in a wheel, trying to get ready for the show, AND get out two big projects before we leave, and I have to finish designs for another customer, and have work loaded into my laptop, as I have to work on 3 designs on the plane trip.
I have one customer picking up a project this afternoon and my real big project leaves tomorrow. (God I hope so!!! Please come and get this thing!!)
And my oldest godson turns 11 today and we are expected at my brother's for cake promptly at 1 pm today or the bro will do his best imitation of Paul Sr on a bad day. (I hate that show BTW.)
So PB is napping peacefully on the couch. His bro is watching SciFi. I'm getting ready to play with Photoshop until cake time. Then its time to put the final touches on the project until the customer comes to pick it up.
Still have to pack for Vegas and not forget anything essential like my business cards, decide just what I will do to entertain the crowds at the booth, and the most important thing of all! Pick out jeans that actually fit my temporarily enormously sized ass. 50 pairs of jeans and 5 sorta fit.
Tomorrow is finish packing the bags, do final cleanup on the big project, and meet with the customer who hopefully pays me with a smile on his face.
AND, I did finally get my hair done yesterday, no nappy salt is visible, just silken strands of ashe brown and blonde. But if it gets wet, it will again resemble frizzy steel wool. And the forecast is for showers until Monday morning.
PB only has to pack a few pairs of jeans and his hair always looks good. Frickin' men. Lucky suckers!

Girl On a Motorcycle

It was cold as hell last Sunday. Beautiful fall colors, sunny, but frickin ass cold. So of course I go riding. It was first time I had ridden since July when I broke my hand. And the first time I had ridden the chopper since May. And I'm still fat as hell, so the leather pants were not even an option. I got out the chaps and PB tried to help me get them on. Now the chaps were custom made for me over 25 years ago when I was a bright and sunny 20 yr old. I weighed 105 and worked out all the time. I am now 45+ and I haven't seen 105 lbs in over 20 years.
PB tried to get the zippers all the way, and shook his head and said, "Poor baby, I think the chaps shrunk."
But I got them fuckers up and off we went. See I had to go ride cos Barbie rode up from FLA for a visit. Don't get me wrong, I love riding. I live to ride at times. I'll ride hard all. And not that bar to bar nonsense. Rain, whatever, I'm riding.
Barb of course did not bring any cold weather clothes being a Florida beach bunny and all.
So we get all leathered up and off we go. And as the sporty is over at Jack's, I had to ride the chopper. But I really did want to ride it. That bike is a kick in the ass to ride.
So we rode up the lake. We stopped at Red Robin for lunch and warmed up before we hit the interstate. The chopper was made for the highway. It does not like running under 45. And I had to keep slowing up for PB and Barb.
So you know how when you are riding in the cold weather, all you can think about, it how good it will feel to get to your destination and WARM UP. Well we were going to the cabin at the lake and there's no heat there. So we go out to dock and sunshine, and we were still denied, as there was this cold ass wind blowing. We're standing there, froze to the bone. It sucked, And PB comes up with the idea to start a fire.
Hell yes!!
And we were warm. There was even graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars in the cabin. Yeah! Smmores!!!!
We sat by the fire, ate smmores, and gazed out over the fall beauty of the lake while being warm as toast. It was a slice of heaven.
Now in the old days, meaning until now, every time Barb and I go someplace we always wait till late to leave to go back home. This has, of course led to some insane nighttime adventures in which we are usually wet, cold and riding for hours in the dark. Despirately crouching by the motors, warming up at gas stops.
We laugh about it now, but forget how hellish it felt at the time.
I look over at the sun, which was pretty low in the sky. PB and Barb are warm by the fire.
I say its time to go. They want to stay longer. Nope, no frickin way i am getting home in the dark. I am so adiment about this, that despite the protests, we trade the cozy warmth of the fire for the hour's worth of deep freeze of the road. We put out the fire and leave.
We get back to the Chopper Compound just as the sun sets.
Hell yes, it did feel good to not get home in the frickin dark!

Ghost Day

Rainy days are great days for working on art. Maybe because on sunny days, you seem to notice how the day passes, seeing the sun race across the sky. But on cloudy days, the light doesn't change. Its always the same.
I call them ghost days, the day goes by slower, with an almost surreal feeling. Days like this, I like to turn the phone ringer off. Light candles, escape into the day and my art.
But today started at the lake. Not at my shop.
We'd had a whole weekend at the lake planned out. But family Drama Saturday morning put an abrupt hold on things. It was stressful for me and after weeks of shop stress, my insides are not handling any stress too good. PB and I talked it out and decided to go to the lake anyway. I know for certain family members, the lake is not too fun. There is no Internet, no YouTube, no tv. Its a 10 by 16, 30 yr old cabin set into huge hardwoods, on a high point overlooking the biggest lake in the state. The views are incredible. Ivy covered terraces drop down to a dock and a screened gazebo. If you're into swimming, boating, reading, relaxing in peace and quiet, then the lake kicks ass. If not, you're SOL.
My kitchen is a flat spot in front of the cabin, cooking over a charcoal grill or wood fire. I love it. Our place at the lake is like camping but with a cabin to sleep in.
So we get up there late Saturday afternoon with the boat. I swim, even tho the water is getting too cold for it. I grill up some NY strip steak and veggies. PB relaxes and fishes from the dock. The weather was kind of nasty, cloudy and windy. But I still went for a late night row on the lake. I got tired of fighting the wind after an hour and came back to the dock to find PB cuddling with the Z dog. I moved her over and cuddled with him. The 3 of us, up on a lounge chair.
PB did caught a little catfish Saturday night. Zoey went nuts, She wanted that fish! She was ready to jump in the water after PB set it loose. She spent the rest of the weekend, bugging PB to catch another fish. Howling, yipping and jumping around whenever he would mess with his fishing rig.
Sunday morning, we rode in the boat to breakfast, then went to Zoey Island so the Z girl could run sans lease or any kind of confinement. She got 2 hours of running free and acting silly. It was just a beautiful sun shiny day.
I love looking at the houses on the lake. Little fishing shacks next to multi million $ mansions. Who are these people who live in these palaces? So many of these enormous mega piles sitting empty. Windows curtained up, covers on the lawn furniture. Everything all buttoned up all nice and neat. Not a soul in sight. I mean, what do they do to afford that much house and only use it once or twice a month?
I never get tired of looking at the lakeside. So many interesting things to see and wonder about.
After the island outing, I went swimming. One guy who was boating asked me if it was too cold to swim. I said, almost. After swimming, I cooked grilled veggies, noodles and shrimp Sunday night. It was very yummy. Then I went for a nighttime row.
We woke up this morning to a cloudy sky. I made steak sandwiches for breakfast and started packing up. I put on my swimsuit but totally wimped out and went for a row instead. I made it across the cove and into another cove and was having a total fun time of it, looking at life going on at the lake shore. I started exploring the far end of Blue Heron cove when the rain hit. I rowed to a dock and hid out under the walkway. PB called me and asked if I needed rescued. I had hoped the rain would ease up but no dice.
So he comes to get me with the boat. I bring the raft onto the boat and then we take off, but have to go back for the ladder which fell off the boat. This guy on the shore is giving us this nasty look, like who the hell are we disturbing the peace in his cove, dropping ladders and such. We are now lake/boat and lake/boat people wave at other lake/boat people. We waved at him. He did not wave back.
It was full on rain as we packed up the truck, closed the cabin, and got the boat out of the water.
We got back to town and went to the bank, only to find that it is one of those fake holidays, when the bank is closed but everyone else still has to work. Unless of course you work at a backwoods motorcycle shop.
We grabbed a Quiznos, got home and are currently under a fleece blanket. I started up the heater in the shop and soon will be out there. maybe ANTM will be on tv. Now that would be perfect.
PB is sleeping at one end of the blanket, a handsome hunk of man. The Z Girl dry and warm next to the couch.
Bad news? We broke the boat. Massive crack in the back by the motor mount. Was it there before? Don't think so. We didn't hit anything.
So I start up my computer to find that the motorcycle world has gone on in my absence. Cyril posting on his blog, keeping everyone current. Good old Cyril.
30 years in my m/c business. Of course if we won the lotto, the shop would be closed in a heartbeat and we'd be full time lake people. Of course there'd be a wicked chopper waking up the neighbors every now and then.
But here its the real world and money must be made. So into the shop I go, a week of ghost days ahead.
Then next weekend, Hurricane Barb makes landfall on her road king.

Love and Happiness

So Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Lets hope he keeps working towards those kind of goals. Anyhow I saw the headline and thought of peace and hope, and that went into Love and happiness, and that puts me in the mood for Al Green. He has a song, Love and Happiness.
Oh yes, smooth 70's soul music.

Waiting for stuff to be ready for more work so a few spare moments.

Been mt biking in the morning and hiking in the evening. Going to the lake tomorrow until Sunday. I'll workout like a crazy women, swimming and rowing there Sat and Sun. Gotta have this bod ready for Vegas and it ain't easy with PB tempting me with chips and salsa at 9pm. I did not deny. I'm going be hardcore. No more carbs after 2 pm. I need to start doing core stuff.

Watched a show about the Hippie movement yesterday. brought back lots of memories. Funny seeing older folks that look like ads for AARP and they were hippies in the 60's, all young and free.

Meeting Lyn and the BF today for endless shrimp. We love endless shrimp. The men will attend too. They don't want to.

Almost done with the big project. PB is prepping next week's projects. Then a dude called from Afghanistan and it looks like I'll get his project. And a check is coming for last month's project. I think I'll work tonight.

Oh and shit yes, I'll be getting up at 6 am tomorrow morning for sure. I want to be in the shop at 7 am. WHY? My favorite show, America's Next Top Model is doing a all day marathon and I'm gonna miss most of it. Gotta leave for the lake at 12. The marathon starts at 8am. I do the best work when that show is on.
I don't care what I'm doing, but I'll be in that shop working tomorrow morning pre lake.

Raining and Sons

Its still raining here. I left the heater on in the shop so I would wake up to a warm shop. Its really no longer summer. Working on a t bucket today. PB will work on insulating the sporty shed.

And its Sons tonight. Yeah! 10 pm, the house stops and watches FX.

The picture? It was taken in 1982. Those were my cars, a 66 and 69 Mustang. Both were hot rodded. The 66 had a 302 with 289 heads and the 69, had a 351 Cleveland Cobra Jet motor. Wowza! These days I have hot rod bikes, not cars. The good old days? In some ways they were. Too bad ny bf was such an idiot back then. We could of had the world by the balls. Or at least came came close.

O a confession, my other favorite show these days? America's Next Top Model. My daughter in law got me hooked on that one. Bad assed biker chick who watches ANTM? I guess I'm not so bad anymore. I could say I am old, but I feel like a kid. PB and I do that to one another. Two people starting their lives over. We bring out the vitality in each other.

Ok now to make breakfast and get in the shop. Shower night last night. PB and I are all fresh smelling and curly headed. It is so hard to get out of bed when that man is next to me.

A Month of Quickies

I need to blog, it kind of keeps me sane but time is so crunched. By the time I am done for the day, around 9pm, I have nothing left. I can only lay on the couch and whine for PB to nuture me. Which he does.
The picture is of my new shop one year ago. Imagine fitting 5 or 6 bikes in it.

So here goes.

1) My niece Lyn called me this morning. I love it when she starts a conversation with, "I don't really remember what happened, we were drinking and ..........." The next thing said is usually not real good. And at age 24, there is no telling her anything, but I still try. Oh to be young and forceful. I was supposed to see her today but my work is too busy. So we will hook up for endless shrimp at Red Lobster and maybe do some hiking after wards on Friday.

2)I see a steam cloud rising from our field last week during the morning. Turns out to be a big ass hole. Old well? Old Gold Mine (there is one less than a mile away)? naturally occurring underground cavern? We did some digging Sunday and found lots of giant old trees buried. The hole goes down about 6-7 ft? And its huge. Looks to be someone filled a giant deep pit with a bunch of trees and then covered it with dirtabolut 20 years ago. Humm. We were hoping it to be an old gold mine. I don't think so. But then, who dug that hole and why? I am that sucker is deep.

3) For a house of bikers, we don't do much riding these days, but lots of working on bikes. Its hard working with PB full time. I try not to get on his nerves. Its hard to trust someone to work with them full time and be with them. I can't always look cute when I'm working.
I still have a hard time believing that this wonderful man is mine. I'll be working and look at hime and think, wow, is this real?

4) Times are scary, with the ex and PB out of work, lots of respociblity on me. But I've been sleeping at night.

5) PB and I went into town saturday night. We had fun grocery shopping and then ordered italian food and waited for it, watching the cars go by and then playing Galaga. We love doing simple things. We bought pumpkins for out little halloween display.

6) The new sporty shed is coming along. PB reinforced the walls, installed lighting and outlets, put in shelves along one end with a workbench on top and is reinforcing the doors with new locks and such. And of course is insulating the shed. It is so awesome to have our bikes nice and clean in the new shed and not getting covered with work dirt in the shop.

7) And the leaves are turning red. I remember last year, so caught up in my new relationship, loving and embracing every moment of life. Work? What was that? At the time I had no idea I would be here a year later, living full time in this house. It was only a day dream. But here I am. And this is now my home. Its still not really my home. My things are mostly at my old house. Little by little I bring over things that compliment this house and fit with PB things. Little by little I trust this man more and more. My #1 worries these days are about work, business things. Last year my #1 worry was my relationship with PB. But now, I'm trying to get to that balance of work life and homelife.

8) As for the what's going on in the m/c world. I keep up a little. I lived the m/c world, 24-7 for too many years.

Balance. Its what I crave.

Sons And Quickes

A few minutes to write before I do my morning 6 mile mt bike ride. It sucks sometimes having two shops. I do some things at one shop and other things at the other. They are 10 miles apart, takes about 13 minutes to travel between them.
Work at one my shop here then I'll go the other shop and do something else. Then back here. Plus I like for Jack to have his own space there and now that he is there all the time, he doesn't get that always.
PB likes being outside working for me on projects and he's such a good worker. Plus we live in such a beautiful place. Our work area is backed by endless hardwoods. So pretty with the sun shining through them.
It would be pretty peaceful too, but PB is a metalhead and he loves his music.

This time of year is so wonderful. The picture is from my other shop, taken a few years ago.

And it is 30 days before the big yearly trade show. So no lake this coming weekend. Lots of work to be done. Kinda like biker build off with the projects and pressure but no annoying Hugh King to deal with. What people watching those shows don't understand is how much it really sucked working under that pressure. It is not fun, more like hell.
Yeah, its fun when its finally over. Hell dental surgery would feel good after that. Ask a builder who was on tv how much fun it really was.
Anyhow, trade shows are a big deal.
1) Your work must be prominently displayed in a big deal booth. (Check.)

2) You must network with the right people and get sponsorships and deals. ( Won't know till after show.) So you have to be prepared to meet everyone and say the right things.

3) be really prepared, samples of your work ready to pull out and be easily seen. (working on it.)

4) I have to look good. Its very different for women in this business. You have to LOOK successful. That means thin, pretty, sharp, professional with a bit of natural appearing edginess. You are on display too. ( Working on it. My cookie intake has been cut way down.)

5) Have all the travel stuff and registration stuff ready for your entourage. Yes I have an entourage. We are a scruffy bunch, but my buds have cool stuff there, and it helps to show potential sponsors, look at this cool hot rod. It helps to show I have cool friends in that town. I love my friends and I'm lucky to have them there for me.

6) I don't have sponsorship for the show this year. I have sponsorship for a bike in the show, but I am not bringing the bike. So my way there is not paid. I am lucky to have friends who will help me out with a place to stay and such but this year for the first time, I have to arrange my own travel. (not yet completed)

6)And there is still lots of regular work to do. Waiting for long distance customers to approve completed work and PAY for it. Bills that need paid. Got to break into my savings to pay bills until someone pays their bill. The pleasuredome of self employment goes on. (never completed.)

So its not that bad working in such a nice place. Plus the whole Halloween/fall excitement. Started decorating, made a corn stalk display with hay bales, decorated with purple and orange light. Got to spend an afternoon with my godsons making jack o lanterns very soon.

Watched Sons on Tuesday. We are so hooked on that show. The writing is so good and very true to life as I know all too well.

Ok PB is still a beautiful, sleepy storm still in bed, time to make his coffee, my tea, put the Z Girl out and get my fat ass on that mt bike. Maybe do battle with the asshole Rottweiler down the street. Then work here at the Sportster Compound all day. I'm ready.

Life

Who knows what life really is? We rush around like ants, from place to place as if our lives depended on it. Make that money, pay those bills. And what is it all for?
Comon, really? We have big screen tvs, 3000 sq ft homes, fancy cars, and tremedous debt for many. We lives from email to email, dreading so many things.
My ex, Jack, beat cancer 2 years ago. With cancer you live from test result to test result. You try not to think about the reality.
The reality of what life really is NOT. Life is not infinate. There's a timer on it and we seldom think about it.
We are so programmed for the destination that we forget that life is a journey. Its not about "once I make x amount of $$ or once I get that promotion or once I have a child." Its about what is happening while you try and achieve those things.
That's why I love our time at the lake. The lake is all about NOW. What is happening now. In that exact place and time.
We had a weekend at the lake all planned out. And it looked to be rainy, so instead we stayed here at the country compound. So instead I'm gonna relive the last visit to the lake here on my blog.

The view from the porch of the cabin in the morning.












Looking down at the dock. We cleared alot of overgrowth away. 2 months ago, you could barely see the shoreline.














The mist on the water.










The gazebo, we spend most of our time in here.
















Zoey loves to help PB fish.


















PB driving the boat.


















This is the house we want to built someday at our place. My dream house.












Z Girl playing on her island. SZhe annoyed everyone there and eventually had the island to herself.










Zoey christens Zoey Island.













PB and the Z Girl in the hammock area. I got this hammock over 10 years ago and never hung it up. PB found it a home.











The view from the hammock. Oh yes, this is living.












The view from the kitchen while cooking breakfast.


















Another Sunday morning.