Saturday, November 21, 2009

The F Word

Looking out the kitchen window I may have figured out why I feel such a sense of peace here. A forest of tall, beautiful hardwoods stand about 20 feet from the house. To look out this window, is like looking out of the window from my old homes in Connecticut. Places like Marlborough, Glastonbury, Guilford. It brings me that eternal sense of peace, that only a childhood home can bring one.

Right now the leaves are off the trees and you can see endlessly into the gray woods. Bits of fall colors, burnt orange and brown scattered throughout the landscape. My shop set into the fringe of these woods. 15 feet from the back porch steps.

The thing about peace is that it is so fleeting. Some horrific event may happen at any minute and blow you right into the middle of the shitstorm. But for today, Sunday, I sit on the couch. PB and his son on the other couch. A gray ghost sky outside.

I'll most likely get some work done today. Get an early start on the week. Holidays come too soon.
Lately I've been thinking about how much my life has changed in the past year. A year ago, changes coming in my life at a stomach churning pace. Not knowing how I would get through it all. Relentlessly slogging forward, hoping would all work out. Back then, FEAR was the word of the day. I tried not to pay attention to that feeling, but it was always there, creeping in from the edges. A constant reminder of how fragile my existence was at that time.

I've spent so much of my life with that word hanging over me, coloring my world. My life.

Fear of what? Fear that loved ones may get deathly ill. Fear that i would not have money to pay bills. Fear that I would not have a place to live. Fear that I may screw up in my work. Fear of the repercussions of the screwing up. Fear of letting people down.

I think many women are ruled by fear, as in fear we don't look good enough, so we buy tons of shit (makeup, clothes, plastic surgery, ect) that we think makes us look better.
Fear that our spouse doesn't love us. Which was one of my biggest fears this time last year.
But my man does love me and very much. And love goes a long way in keeping all the other fears away. Women carry alot on their shoulders. So you men who are reading this, if you are wondering why your woman (if indeed they are) is bitchy or grumpy or silent or whatever. Make sure she know you love her. Tell her in words and actions. It works real good on me.

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