Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Worry and Guilt Program- Drivers and Software Included at Birth.

The man is in there napping on the couch and the boy is playing computer games. PB and I had a good long talk on the way to pick up his boy last night. I came clean about the last 9 months, the stress I was under, how scared I had been the last few months, looking at my work, knowing I was burnt out and that it was affecting my work. I told him the reality of all I had to accomplish during that time. How overwhelming it all was. How I just kept thinking to myself that would somehow get through it, even though it seemed so insurmountable.

And I really feel I lost that big contract with the motorcycle company because of it.

I was definitely not as my best. That last job I finished, I truly believe it was a miracle that it turned out so well. Because by that time I was like Rodney Dangerfield in that scene from "easy Money" where he's trying to put that model plane together and is stressed to the point of shaking so badly that he destroys the whole thing. That was me, and somehow, my life did not shake apart.

Maybe it is a good thing I lost that contract as I REALLY needed time off.

Looking back at a year ago, it is a miracle. The project I was working on had turned into a complete disaster. My ex was going nuts and trying to figure out ways to kill himself, my customers had lost any faith in me and were freaking out. I had a big money project that in no way would be completely by the deadline. And I had not done my paperwork in nearly 4 years. The only good thing - I was thinner.

And somehow, I got it all done. It all worked out and my life is the way I used to fantasize it would be. My fantasies were not grandiose. They were quite simple. Many years ago I used to work as a welder. I would work 8 or 10 hour days and have nights and weekends off. When I punched out my time card, my time was my own to do WHATEVER I wanted.

And many times over the last 22 years I have dreamed about those days. Those lazy days. And now I can work 8 or 10 hours, 5 days a week and have my weekends. God it felt like it would never happen.

I'm sitting on our back porch which look out into the woods. Its all shaded by the tall hardwood trees. There's a huge open field over to the left where we have our vegetable garden. My spotted hunting dog is laying on her blanket with her stuffed toys. She loves "her" porch. Earlier PB and I planned a trip to the mountains. Next month I'll take him up to ride a few of my favorite roads in the Smokies, including the Dragon. But looking over the maps, I found a different way to the Dragon than I usually go. This road Rt 28, goes over Fontana Dam. It looks nice and twisty. Just the way I like them. We found this really cool place to stay, a rustic lodge on the top of a Mt overlooking Maggie Valley. PB has nto been to Wheels Through Time and I want him to experience it.

A seriously lazy Saturday. A morning spent in bed cuddling naked with my man who gazes at me with all the love in his soul. My man cooking up french toast for breakfast. Running after an 11 yr old boy smacking him with a rubber spatula while he laughs and giggles. Embracing these things and soaking up the essence of the day. Nothing weighing down on me.

I have not known any of things ever before in my life.

I feel quite guilty at times for just allowing myself to relax. Hoping that feeling will pass in time. I guess we get so used to worrying that once you're used to it, its hard to go back. Hell I don't think I have ever felt so worry free. Ever.

I'm about to go into the house and brown up some round steak and then put it in the slow cooker for beef stew.

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