Friday, August 14, 2009
What makes a jerk, well a jerk?
I was having a discussion with Chessie about men and attraction. Over the last year I have done alot of research about the whole subject. I mean the two guys I dated before PB were standard issue jackasses. Actually its kind of an insult to 4 legged variety of jackasses to compare these furry creatures to the 2 legged dirtbags.
But back to the "love" thing. Take for example my friend Blake. Nice guy intelligent, nice looking, great job, fun loving. He's been a good friend to me. But he's been looking for a girlfriend now for 5 years. He lives in a major west coast city. He looks online too. His problem? He always falls for young pretty women who feel they can do better than him. His standards for women are high, physically. And the ones that "light his fire" just are not that into him. He has settled for women that were not the best looking and then just finally broke up with them cos that "thing" was not there.
My brother was another one. Always dating women who had to be less than a size 4. I mean if that chick had one bump of cellulite on her butt or legs, forget about it. And he put up with all kinds of bullshit from these perfect looking women. I could fill this page with and rant for hours about one in particular whose engagement ring I now wear as a casual ring. He almost lost his house and mind over this one. And even after she almost took him for everything he had, it still took years for him to finally get over that sick, twisted excuse for a female.
My daughter in law is gorgeous and she knows it. And she knows how to work to her advantage. She feels that the same group of rules that usually apply to people don't apply to her as she is pretty. She knows that truth about our society, pretty people get more than those who are not.
So how does all this apply to love? Last spring I wondered why I seemed to be on the losing end of love. So I looked into it. There are endless articles in magazines and online. Look at any issue of Cosmo. How to make a man love you. How to get him to fall for you. 10 Secrets about men. And why are there so many of these articles? Cos people read them!!! Each one!! I know I did. There are whole books devoted to the subject. Hell there's DVD sets. This guy Christian Carter has an online book, sets of DVD"s. he does seminars- all on trying to "unlock" the secrets of making a man love you. I read his online book. How to communicate with a man. Many of the things he said made sense, but after a a while, it all seemed like too much. Do this, don't do that and after you do this, do that. Who would want to bother.
In the end, the only thing that made any sense was the book, "He's Just not That into You." A man either is or he isn't.
But what compels a man to be "into you?"
When I met PB, I was not looking my best. I was heavier than I normally was. I was beat and tired and not at my cutest. I was living with my ex. There were lots of issues but here we are over a year later. All along the way, I kept looking, I didn't not want to go through the shit I had in past. if he was not that into me, then I did not want to be with him. For example after we had been dating a month, I noticed he still had his online personal ad up and "searchable." And he was still active. Was he still looking? I had taken mine down.
I held my tongue but after 2 months I let hm know that it bothered me that his ad was still seachable, so he change it to nonsearchable. But he left it posted. That really bothered me.
Finally after 3 months, this Aries girl could not take it. One night after dinner and drinks, he was in the right mood. I still was reading my Christian Carter book and taking his advice on communicating with men, going slow, not being spontaneous when asking particular questions and most importantly waiting for him to be in the mood for communication. I asked him to take down his ad and he did 2 days later and I did not have to remind him.
But then, if he was that into me, why didn't he do it on his own?
There have been a few things that bothered me along the way in this relationship. Little by little they all worked out but it would take me threatening to leave for him to take notice. After our latest spat I accused him of not being that into me and that it would never work because of it. I was not going to settle for anything less than a guy who was that into me.
Turns out he is that into me. BUT it took time for him to decide. The longer it went on the more he fell for me.
He's more into me now than he was a month ago. And now he can't imagine his life without me. Its actually one of his biggest fears. Its why I can't go cross country on a bike by myself. He would worry too much. (Can't go YET. Actually at this place in my life, I don't want to be away from him too much. I've never had anything like this and I want to be here with him. If I go cross country, I want it to be with him. I always have and always will, do what I choose to do.)
But beautiful women get their hearts broken too. A gorgeous friend of mine is always getting screwed over. She has 5 kids from 5 different fathers to prove that. And my pretty 19 yr old daughter in law? Her husband left her for another woman, a women is definitely is not as pretty as she is.
Bottom line, if you're looking for dating advice, "He's just not that into you." is a great wake up call. A reality check that will keep you sane. It really is.
Oh well enough of that. I have to take my ex's truck to get fixed. Then there's that pesky working for a living thing. I still do things for the ex. He does stuff for me. He wonders why I don't hate him. We share a house and property plus life is too short for too much hate. I already have my quota of men to hate. I really don't need another one.