Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Reality's Ugly head

And here I was all ready to write about the West Virginia trip. If only all times between PB and I could be like that. But reality can be an ugly thing. I think I know why women leave him and never come back. I was reading a story a woman wrote about a friend of hers, a strong, beautiful woman who should of had the world by the balls. But she got sick and to top it off, her man had a bad habit that took his priorities away from where they should have been. She finally killed herself because she needed him to be there for her and couldn't trust that he would be. It was hard enough for her to just deal with her illness, let alone dealing with his demons.

There are things strong women never talk about. And this is one of them. I guess we just want to believe that everything will be ok in our lives. That things will just work out and we go on, striving along in our lives, and keeping the demons in the shadows where we don't see them 24/7.

I know PB had this thing about him, this desire that I could not fill. I knew months ago. I don't think he has ever done anything about it. Thank god. But one always wonders if he will. I mean everyone has secret desires and fantasies. I do, but I have never tried them in real life. I probably never will. Somethings are best left as fantasies. And I pray that is the case for PB. I mean so far he has never tried to experience it in real life.
This desire cost him one relationship and contributed to costing him his marriage. His ex wife was with him for years and she must have been aware of it. It is a huge embarrassment to him. And he knows I know about part of it. In fact one night I caught him doing it. He was alone. I walked out of the room and he came after me. I was very hurt and shook up. He held me and begged me not to leave him. I stayed, obviously.
Then the next day I sent him a text saying how I understood he needed private time and that I would respect that. That message meant alot of to him. He always deletes his texts as he has a thing about clutter. Like he's had the same email box for years and it has less than 50 messages in it. But he saved this text.
But he has no idea that I know the specifics of his fantasy. And I don't blame his exs for leaving him. if everything else was not so perfect with him, I might leave him too. in fact that is one of the reasons I keep my place in my house just a few miles down the road. And I stay on good terms with my ex.
There have been things that come up that bother me about PB. And so far they have all worked out. My fears have all been for nothing. I hope this is the same. I hope this is just a little fantasy thathe has and that it stays that way.
No relationship is perfect. But this scares me and bothers me. I mean I have had my little fantasies for years and never even tried to fullfill them. Not even when my ex cut me off from sex for 10 years. I stayed faithful. So hopefully it is the same with PB and his fantasies. But I wish there was someway he could tell me about it. Someway I could help him so he would not ever try and make it real.

As for my injury, my hand is so much better. Gonna try and ride next week. And I am really driven to start exercising again and lose this frickin weight. I feel like a whale. Like I feel much like eating after thinking about this.

No comments: