"Fall"ing

I love fall. There's something that wakes up inside me when the brutal heat of summer days gives way to the chill of fall. maybe summer heat puts part of me to sleep and the crisp air of fall wakes it up again. 2 more days of work. Actually 1 and 1/2. Then we pack and leave for 3 and 1/3 days at the lake. Yeah!!! I'm planning the menu. Fried chicken, baked chicken ( I got lots of chicken in the freezer,) venison sausage breakfast sandwiches, tomatoes and green bean saute (from the garden), and that's as far as I have gotten. What sucks is, after this weekend, it will be 3 weeks until we get back to the lake and the weather will be chilly for real. Hopefully the water won't be too much colder. I think I'll buy a wetsuit for cold weather swimming.

When ever her schedule allowed, Kathryn Hepburn lived on the water at her family home in Fenwick, CT. And every morning until she was in her 70's, she went for a morning swim. No matter the season, even in the winter. And this sure ain't as north as CT and Long Island Sound was never as warm as the lake. So hopefully I'll be swimming for another month or so. By then I'll have bought a kayak. What I really want is a rowing skull. Zip across that surface.

I've always admired Hepburn. Always wanted to live on the water like her. If this is as close as I come, so be it. I'll make the most of it. Pb can fish and I'll row and swim.

PB and his dad are taking the boat out on the nearby little lake to test it out. Then we'll take it to the big lake tomorrow. It will be so fun to take the boat to breakfast. Pull up at the dock.
I love looking at the houses on the lake. I watch the life in them as I swim or row by. Sometimes seeing the people as they go about their lives. Wondering what its like to have a lake house like that. What kind of people live there. Its like tv only I'm getting a workout.












As for the pleasuredome of the motorcycle industry, I have work to do, actually enough to pay my bills for a while, so far. This business can be scary, a fact I know all too well. It takes so much dedication to stay on top, to stay in the spotlight, in the public eye, it takes hours of work each day. Get the actual work done, then update the website, check the boards to see what's happening, answer emails, return calls, do followup calls, do quotes for new customers, do magazine work to stay in the public eye, see what the competition is up to. Not a 9-5 job. It takes 12-16 hour days. No time for much of a personal life. So you'd had better really love what you do, cos it becomes your whole life.

And that was my problem. Years of no personal life. I had lost me. And now I am finding me. I could be making some big bucks right now. But that would mean not many weekends at the lake, not many weekends riding my motorcycles. I used to hate Friday afternoons. at 5 or 6 pm I would know most people were getting off work, going home and starting their weekends. I would be working. And I would be unhappy. And I did this for 18 years.
I can't do that anymore. And so I make the financial sacrifice for my personal happiness. That is unless the ex loses his job or PB loses his.

So I will make the most of my Labor Day weekend at the lake. The wicked world of real life business will be waiting for me when I return. Let it wait.

Stevie Nicks

said it or sang it best,

and the summer became the fall.
I was not ready for the winter,
it makes no difference at all,
cos I wear boots all summer long.

And just like that, the summer was over. The mornings were chilly and it was time for sweatshirts again. I remember this time last year, I was so stunned I was still with PB. It was like a dream.

And it still is wonderful to be with him. We spent the last two weekends up at the lake. We'll be there this weekend. His dad wants us to take his boat. The lake cabin is very small and shacklike. It was an outdoor shower and bathroom. You stand in the open air behind a wooden fence and shower. You can see the lake over the fence. A shower with a view. It was a dock with a screened gazebo which is very cool.
The place needs lots of work which we don't mind doing. The porch roof and floor of the cabin needs replaced as it is rotting away. Hoping PB's dad will pay for the materials.
But I love it and PB does too. There was tons of overgrowth that was taking over and we cleared most of it away last weekend. Now you can see the lake from the cabin.
I've been doing lots of swimming and rowing. But the pants are still tight, dang it. I am in constant motion up there. But we do hang out on the dock and watch the action on the lake. Its so peaceful. I'll row out to the middle of the cover at night and just lay down in the raft and watch the sky.
Its like a dream, a wonderful dream. The best my life has ever been. And I want it more and more. I want that dream to continue, but dreams aren't like that.

There's always that evil thing called reality.

PB and I are are still in love and that is good. But there is bad news.
1) His arms hurt him badly. Those beautifully muscled arms have bad tendinitis, I want him to see a doctor.
2) Things are slow at his job. I'm hoping he doesn't get laid off again. He's very worried about money.
3) My ex may lose his job. Things are dismal in the custom bike world. Especially if the owner of your dealership is a fool and hires over priced consultants who charge big bucks to suggest that departments should share pens. That if someone in parts needs a pen to go over and borrow one from sales. Wow. if your accountant tells you that these consultants are not doing anything useful, hey rich person that happens to own a dealership-------listen!!! Spend the money on advertising!!! Bring business into your shop.

Things are slow in my business but I'm doing ok. I just hope my men hang onto their jobs. Old Randy Simpson sold business at auction. I wonder what that was all about. The whole suddenness. Sometime I'll see him him and I'm sure he'll tell me. Even sold his bikes. He musta owed quite a bit.

Thing change, Milwaukee Iron out of business, Billy in jail, god how things change. I wonder just how Eddie is doing. can't believe he hasn't run out money yet. He musta stashed a shitload way back when. But then maybe like Randy, time will catch up, but then Randy is a good guy with morals and Eddie, well, he's not.

This weekend will be the last one for the lake for the following two weekends. I have a car show in two weeks and then the weekend after, PB and I are going to the mountains on the bikes. So that is almost 3 weeks, 18 days till I need to fit into my leather pants. And I will do it!!

I'll be cookie free for 18 days. Can I do it??? I do not want to bust that zipper on those pants or look like sausage legs.

Lake Side

I plan to be lakeside in a few hours and will stay there, no internet, no tv, no nothing until Sunday morning. I am packing everything to take as I am female. So until then!

And Now a few Words on Big Dicks

Every girl wants one. Just look on tv. I got up at my usual time this morning, 5:30 and turned on the tv. I had to do some Photoshopping that will be a pain and tv helps in these situations. On G4 there was PAID advertisement for some kind of larger penis med. It was these women, talking about how they dump guys that don't have big dicks. Young, gorgeous blondes, yes most of them were blondes whining about how guys with small ones don't do it for them, Neither do guys who don't want to do it all the time.
"I don't spend all night at dinner or drinks, I want it! I'll be sitting there at dinner, wondering just when is he going to do me!"
Yes, I know that's EXACTLY what I'm usually thinking on the first date every time.
I do have to admit on the first date with PB that I was really hoping for a REALLY long and passionate goodnight kiss.

By the end of the second date, and I mean 7 hours into it, I really wanted him to jump me. And PB is one hot looking man. Like romance novel cover hot. And I had not had sex in years. I was really ready. But that was at the END of that date.
And as many women know, guys who are super large? Are usually super sucky in bed. And all that size is not all that fun.
But its not the size of a man's penis that a women first thinks about when the clothes start flying off, its how he handles himself.
And besides, those pills? DON'T WORK!!!
But enough of this. I have to work for a living as there are important things in life than big dicks.

Can't Rain all the Time

It was the last line in the movie, The Crow. It rained all through that movie and at the end it stopped raining and Darla said, "At least it finally stopped raining." And the Elly replied,"it can't rain all the time."

I think that sums up how I feel about my life these days. It finally stopped raining. And I feel positive about the future.

Yesterday I brought the sporty over the the ex's. He said I bent the handle bars when i went down. Hell we have no idea whose handlebars they are. So that will make it harder to replace them. AS for it running like shit, I'm hoping the coil is the problem, but Jack will go through it. Jack and I seem to be getting along well. Its nice to see him joining society even at his age. He is enjoying being on Facebook, he gets to be social with his Hamster buddies and they can get to know him better. His little world is expanding.

Watched Woodstock last night. PB tried to fix the sink and sorta did. I'm trying to diet and went ot get a cookie and he teased me about going in the cookie jar. So I denied myself. Then he brings me a cookie on a napkin.

Awee!!!!!!

After we layed in bed and he told me how much I meant to him. It was so healing, after so much time of not knowing what I really meant to him, he truly does love me the way I love him.

Ok today it is back to the real world. no fucking around. Got to get some real work done. We've both been so lazy.

We have that trip to the mountains planned. And one last thing, so many people in the m/c world have these "I'm such a hardass" attitudes. Like anyone that rides a dresser is a pussy. Or anyone that rides a non kickstart bike, or is a HOG member, or that trailers their bike, or whatever is a pussy. I say screw them. I'm am so ready to have it out with one of them. Grrrrr!!!!!!!!!

Billy Lane and Simple Dreams

The pictures today? The first one was taken yesterday of my bubble glass by the kitchen window. I love having a kitchen window with bubble glass in it. It is very healing for me. The second picture halfway through the blog is my friend DJ living the good life at Lake Mead. Waking up to go hike around the lake. So here's a few quickies.

1) Billy Lane in prison. I know Billy. I remember when I first met him. Sitting against the wall at an Easyriders show. I think he was showing a long chopper. One of first CI bikes. He came out of Florida like a hurricane and smacked the custom bike scene in the face. No one had ever seen anything like him. It was the year my ex's bike won best display. Probably 2001? He was so out of box from anyone else that was out there. He was young, brash, cutting edge. He had his entourage of like minded kids with him. It was the first view into what was happening in next in the custom bike world. A world now represented by Cycle Source's Limpnickie Lot, guys like Pat Patterson and Tabor Nash. But Billy was the first. Him and his entourage were like a tribe. He was different and talented enough to get the attention of Hugh King and the Discovery Channel. I won't get into that whole thing as I could really do a severe rant about them. Billy went on a wild ride. Up and up until he had no control. Maybe he thought he was beyond anything bad happening to him, that he could live life without repercussions. That it was all like on tv. Not real. It all ended on that horrible day. 2 months before the accident, after he hit a BMW while doing an impromtu bike stunt in a parking lot, a friend of his commented to me, "He's an accident waiting for a place to happen."
Does he deserve prison? I don't know. I'm pretty flawed myself. I'm glad I'm not the one who makes those decisions. He'll do his 6 years and run Choppers Inc from inside. He'll get out and start his life again, building bikes that grab attention. Maybe he'll write another book about his wild ride. Maybe he'll be more famous than before. I think success in business is in the cards for him no matter what. But what about the whole being happy thing? Where was happiness in all this? Was it ever there? What is success if you're not happy?

2) Went to pick out a faucet last night with PB and his boy. Something so simple that most people take for granted. Walking around the store with your spouse and a child. We dreamed in the appliance and kitchen sections. We also found a nice light fixture for over the kitchen island for a future purchase. Redesigning our kitchen one step at a time. A dream for me. Things I used dream of. Like Burnadette Peter's said in "The Slaves of NY," "I aspire to the middle class." A normal life. And as of now I'm successful at that goal and enjoying each precious moment of it.
A life of living on the edge is not all its cracked up to be. But you have to get on the other side of it, past it, to see. Yeah, but there were fun moments. But were they worth the horrible moments?


3) Got to finish a writing/photo project today and burn it to disc. Answer emails for future work. I started a pot of beef stew in the crock pot last night. Gotta figure out what to make for breakfast. Get ready for a full work week after 3 lazy weeks off. PB and I are gonna go to his family's property at Lake Norman lake next weekend. Ride the bikes up and camp. So I want to get alot of work done during the week.

A simple life. I know I'm just a flesh and bone creature living a very limited exsistence on a very fragile world. And I know what is real to me. I know exactly what I want. And I have it. And it is enough for me. Anything beyond that pure gravy. Was that Billy's problem? Did he know what he wanted? What was important to him? What was real?

I bet it sure feels real now.

The Worry and Guilt Program- Drivers and Software Included at Birth.

The man is in there napping on the couch and the boy is playing computer games. PB and I had a good long talk on the way to pick up his boy last night. I came clean about the last 9 months, the stress I was under, how scared I had been the last few months, looking at my work, knowing I was burnt out and that it was affecting my work. I told him the reality of all I had to accomplish during that time. How overwhelming it all was. How I just kept thinking to myself that would somehow get through it, even though it seemed so insurmountable.

And I really feel I lost that big contract with the motorcycle company because of it.

I was definitely not as my best. That last job I finished, I truly believe it was a miracle that it turned out so well. Because by that time I was like Rodney Dangerfield in that scene from "easy Money" where he's trying to put that model plane together and is stressed to the point of shaking so badly that he destroys the whole thing. That was me, and somehow, my life did not shake apart.

Maybe it is a good thing I lost that contract as I REALLY needed time off.

Looking back at a year ago, it is a miracle. The project I was working on had turned into a complete disaster. My ex was going nuts and trying to figure out ways to kill himself, my customers had lost any faith in me and were freaking out. I had a big money project that in no way would be completely by the deadline. And I had not done my paperwork in nearly 4 years. The only good thing - I was thinner.







And somehow, I got it all done. It all worked out and my life is the way I used to fantasize it would be. My fantasies were not grandiose. They were quite simple. Many years ago I used to work as a welder. I would work 8 or 10 hour days and have nights and weekends off. When I punched out my time card, my time was my own to do WHATEVER I wanted.

And many times over the last 22 years I have dreamed about those days. Those lazy days. And now I can work 8 or 10 hours, 5 days a week and have my weekends. God it felt like it would never happen.














I'm sitting on our back porch which look out into the woods. Its all shaded by the tall hardwood trees. There's a huge open field over to the left where we have our vegetable garden. My spotted hunting dog is laying on her blanket with her stuffed toys. She loves "her" porch. Earlier PB and I planned a trip to the mountains. Next month I'll take him up to ride a few of my favorite roads in the Smokies, including the Dragon. But looking over the maps, I found a different way to the Dragon than I usually go. This road Rt 28, goes over Fontana Dam. It looks nice and twisty. Just the way I like them. We found this really cool place to stay, a rustic lodge on the top of a Mt overlooking Maggie Valley. PB has nto been to Wheels Through Time and I want him to experience it.

A seriously lazy Saturday. A morning spent in bed cuddling naked with my man who gazes at me with all the love in his soul. My man cooking up french toast for breakfast. Running after an 11 yr old boy smacking him with a rubber spatula while he laughs and giggles. Embracing these things and soaking up the essence of the day. Nothing weighing down on me.

I have not known any of things ever before in my life.

I feel quite guilty at times for just allowing myself to relax. Hoping that feeling will pass in time. I guess we get so used to worrying that once you're used to it, its hard to go back. Hell I don't think I have ever felt so worry free. Ever.

I'm about to go into the house and brown up some round steak and then put it in the slow cooker for beef stew.