What makes a jerk, well a jerk?

I was having a discussion with Chessie about men and attraction. Over the last year I have done alot of research about the whole subject. I mean the two guys I dated before PB were standard issue jackasses. Actually its kind of an insult to 4 legged variety of jackasses to compare these furry creatures to the 2 legged dirtbags.
But back to the "love" thing. Take for example my friend Blake. Nice guy intelligent, nice looking, great job, fun loving. He's been a good friend to me. But he's been looking for a girlfriend now for 5 years. He lives in a major west coast city. He looks online too. His problem? He always falls for young pretty women who feel they can do better than him. His standards for women are high, physically. And the ones that "light his fire" just are not that into him. He has settled for women that were not the best looking and then just finally broke up with them cos that "thing" was not there.

My brother was another one. Always dating women who had to be less than a size 4. I mean if that chick had one bump of cellulite on her butt or legs, forget about it. And he put up with all kinds of bullshit from these perfect looking women. I could fill this page with and rant for hours about one in particular whose engagement ring I now wear as a casual ring. He almost lost his house and mind over this one. And even after she almost took him for everything he had, it still took years for him to finally get over that sick, twisted excuse for a female.

My daughter in law is gorgeous and she knows it. And she knows how to work to her advantage. She feels that the same group of rules that usually apply to people don't apply to her as she is pretty. She knows that truth about our society, pretty people get more than those who are not.

So how does all this apply to love? Last spring I wondered why I seemed to be on the losing end of love. So I looked into it. There are endless articles in magazines and online. Look at any issue of Cosmo. How to make a man love you. How to get him to fall for you. 10 Secrets about men. And why are there so many of these articles? Cos people read them!!! Each one!! I know I did. There are whole books devoted to the subject. Hell there's DVD sets. This guy Christian Carter has an online book, sets of DVD"s. he does seminars- all on trying to "unlock" the secrets of making a man love you. I read his online book. How to communicate with a man. Many of the things he said made sense, but after a a while, it all seemed like too much. Do this, don't do that and after you do this, do that. Who would want to bother.
In the end, the only thing that made any sense was the book, "He's Just not That into You." A man either is or he isn't.

But what compels a man to be "into you?"

When I met PB, I was not looking my best. I was heavier than I normally was. I was beat and tired and not at my cutest. I was living with my ex. There were lots of issues but here we are over a year later. All along the way, I kept looking, I didn't not want to go through the shit I had in past. if he was not that into me, then I did not want to be with him. For example after we had been dating a month, I noticed he still had his online personal ad up and "searchable." And he was still active. Was he still looking? I had taken mine down.
I held my tongue but after 2 months I let hm know that it bothered me that his ad was still seachable, so he change it to nonsearchable. But he left it posted. That really bothered me.

Finally after 3 months, this Aries girl could not take it. One night after dinner and drinks, he was in the right mood. I still was reading my Christian Carter book and taking his advice on communicating with men, going slow, not being spontaneous when asking particular questions and most importantly waiting for him to be in the mood for communication. I asked him to take down his ad and he did 2 days later and I did not have to remind him.
But then, if he was that into me, why didn't he do it on his own?

There have been a few things that bothered me along the way in this relationship. Little by little they all worked out but it would take me threatening to leave for him to take notice. After our latest spat I accused him of not being that into me and that it would never work because of it. I was not going to settle for anything less than a guy who was that into me.
Turns out he is that into me. BUT it took time for him to decide. The longer it went on the more he fell for me.
He's more into me now than he was a month ago. And now he can't imagine his life without me. Its actually one of his biggest fears. Its why I can't go cross country on a bike by myself. He would worry too much. (Can't go YET. Actually at this place in my life, I don't want to be away from him too much. I've never had anything like this and I want to be here with him. If I go cross country, I want it to be with him. I always have and always will, do what I choose to do.)

But beautiful women get their hearts broken too. A gorgeous friend of mine is always getting screwed over. She has 5 kids from 5 different fathers to prove that. And my pretty 19 yr old daughter in law? Her husband left her for another woman, a women is definitely is not as pretty as she is.

Bottom line, if you're looking for dating advice, "He's just not that into you." is a great wake up call. A reality check that will keep you sane. It really is.

Oh well enough of that. I have to take my ex's truck to get fixed. Then there's that pesky working for a living thing. I still do things for the ex. He does stuff for me. He wonders why I don't hate him. We share a house and property plus life is too short for too much hate. I already have my quota of men to hate. I really don't need another one.

Another day, this one better I hope.

Long conversation with Sasha last night. (The picture above is not Sasha, it is Goth who was in Discovery's Bike Women.) Sasha was one of the women on the Discovery Channel's Bike Women documentary. We had a good conversation about the lack of media attention women for women motorcyclists. We still do not get the respect we deserve. Sure HD has its women's days, the Motor Company is doing better but I feel they are merely pandering for customers. There's no real substance behind it. For example take HD's 105th celebration. At House of Harley the women's activities were put at the very back of the facility. It was shameful. All of us involved came many miles, worked very hard to be ready and put on good shows, good seminars. It was a real chance to bring attention to women who ACTUALLY EARN A LIVING in the industry. And we were in the back where not many could see us.
And what motorcycle show is on tv and getting all the media attention, a show about male criminals who ride bikes. Yeah I admit I like the show and I watch it but look at the shows that the media gives the attention to. A family of dis functional men who build tacky bikes that are pieces of shit in real life. Sorry but they are. The Tuetles are true assholes and do not deserve the fans they have. A fact I know to be absolutely true They are piss poor representations of the custom bike industry and an insult to all of us who make our living in it.
So what the public have to use as a insight into our lives? A bike gang of criminals and an obnoxious male family that screams at each other and acts like spoiled brats and charges people $20 for autographs after making them stand in line for hours.
Arlen would never do that.
I don't know, its just frustrating. I wish I had made the time to go to the AMA Women's Conference this year. And sadly I would have had the time to do it, broken hand and all. The hand is much better by the way. I would have had to ride the sporty to the Colorado and back tho and I know PB would have had heart failure over it. It would have upset him too much. That was one thing about the ex, he wouldn't have had a problem. He knows how road savvy I am.
But maybe they'll start having more than every 3 years. Comon 3 years?
See this is part of my rant here. The AMA only recognises women riders every 3 years. Sad.

And that last filming of Sasha, Betsy and Gevin and Gen? Sasha says she's heard its on cable, but she never saw any footage. Did it ever even air? And then there's the whole disappointment of what happened to Gypsy. What Biker Build Off, how they portrayed her. So wrong. And then the real tragedy of Sammy. Something that many of us who knew her, will always be haunted by. Thinking and knowing, we could have done something and we should have. Because she deserved better.
The media does not really recognise women bikers. Not the way it should.

As for my life this morning. The days are getting shorter. Its dark at 5;30 when we get up. Last night I realized I really deeply love PB. I want to fight for what we have. I don't want to lose him to his demons if that's what they are. But I don't want to lose myself. So I am going to give it a real chance. I always give up on him or rather, on us so easily. And I always say I'm gonna give it a real try and then I give up again. I guess I am so nervous that it will be like my marriage was. Maybe I am traumatised from that and I don't realize it.

And so there you have it. I'm gonna hike around the lake this morning. And get in a whole day's work. And be a good woman to my man. Its been a long journey out from the darkness of the last few years.

And yes, I have a bad attitude. I'm not nice. Well I am nice sometimes. But I am definitely not politically correct.

Feeling better

I went for a hike down by lake after I made that last post. I talked to my young friend Lyns. I felt better. Strange day today. I wanted to eb in the hsop and work, but it rained and most of the work I needed to do was things that had to be done outside so i am working on a brochure for a trade show in Nov. I did do alot of uncluttering of the house.
As for PB and me, I'm just havng faith things will be ok, but I will be paying attention.
My experiences from my marriage have taught me one thing, appearance counts. Why do women tend to accept their men as is and desire them but men always seem to want the perfect woman, young, erotic, toned, tight perfect.

Reality's Ugly head

And here I was all ready to write about the West Virginia trip. If only all times between PB and I could be like that. But reality can be an ugly thing. I think I know why women leave him and never come back. I was reading a story a woman wrote about a friend of hers, a strong, beautiful woman who should of had the world by the balls. But she got sick and to top it off, her man had a bad habit that took his priorities away from where they should have been. She finally killed herself because she needed him to be there for her and couldn't trust that he would be. It was hard enough for her to just deal with her illness, let alone dealing with his demons.

There are things strong women never talk about. And this is one of them. I guess we just want to believe that everything will be ok in our lives. That things will just work out and we go on, striving along in our lives, and keeping the demons in the shadows where we don't see them 24/7.

I know PB had this thing about him, this desire that I could not fill. I knew months ago. I don't think he has ever done anything about it. Thank god. But one always wonders if he will. I mean everyone has secret desires and fantasies. I do, but I have never tried them in real life. I probably never will. Somethings are best left as fantasies. And I pray that is the case for PB. I mean so far he has never tried to experience it in real life.
This desire cost him one relationship and contributed to costing him his marriage. His ex wife was with him for years and she must have been aware of it. It is a huge embarrassment to him. And he knows I know about part of it. In fact one night I caught him doing it. He was alone. I walked out of the room and he came after me. I was very hurt and shook up. He held me and begged me not to leave him. I stayed, obviously.
Then the next day I sent him a text saying how I understood he needed private time and that I would respect that. That message meant alot of to him. He always deletes his texts as he has a thing about clutter. Like he's had the same email box for years and it has less than 50 messages in it. But he saved this text.
But he has no idea that I know the specifics of his fantasy. And I don't blame his exs for leaving him. if everything else was not so perfect with him, I might leave him too. in fact that is one of the reasons I keep my place in my house just a few miles down the road. And I stay on good terms with my ex.
There have been things that come up that bother me about PB. And so far they have all worked out. My fears have all been for nothing. I hope this is the same. I hope this is just a little fantasy thathe has and that it stays that way.
No relationship is perfect. But this scares me and bothers me. I mean I have had my little fantasies for years and never even tried to fullfill them. Not even when my ex cut me off from sex for 10 years. I stayed faithful. So hopefully it is the same with PB and his fantasies. But I wish there was someway he could tell me about it. Someway I could help him so he would not ever try and make it real.

As for my injury, my hand is so much better. Gonna try and ride next week. And I am really driven to start exercising again and lose this frickin weight. I feel like a whale. Like I feel much like eating after thinking about this.

Broken hand and Sturgis musings

I haven't writien in a while and things happen at a fast pace around here. So here are some quickly written highlights.

I did not go to Sturgis this year. Mostly cos I did not want to leave the boyfriend behind again. This relationship is very important to me. Sure I should have gone and networked and stood next to the latest bike I worked on, while it made appearances at shows, and got all kinds of publicity but even if I did want to go. I couldn't have gone. As I broke my hand coming back from the Mountain Fest rally last month. The ex went and he had a great time doing his Hamster stuff. And I was very happy for him. Arlen liked his new bike, actually everyone did and that made me feel good. the last year has been hard for him and it makes me happy to see him settling into his life without me.

It was hard not being there in Sturgis. I kept up on Facebook with many of my friends who were there. I heard Steven Tyler was an ass at Lichter's party. Yeah last week was rough. My heart was in the Black Hills, carving up Spearfish canyon. Hell not even Jose was there. Not the same without the crew from PR.

Bruce Rossmeyer died in a bike wreck exactly one year and a day after Click Baldwin died in the very same way. Trying to pass a vehicle turning into a campground. Neither man had been wearing a helmet. Now I have never been a big fan helmets, growing up in a no helmet law state, did not even own one till I went to Fla in '94. But after Click's wreck I wore my DOT helmet all the time and I am glad I did as my little go-down in West Virginia? I hit my head and yeah I had a bit of a concussion and was slightly foggy for a week but if i had not been wearing it? Who knows? So I wear the helmet. I hate it, but I wear it. Bruce was a rare person, a rich guy who shared his wealth.

PB and I went to the Coldplay concert. He bought me tickets for our anniversary. It was incredible. We tailgated munching on bacon sauteed shrimp, brocolli salad and chocalate covered cherries. PB even made me a pitcher of Cosmos. He got me a glowy bracelet and held me as I rocked to the music. The music could not have been better.

My hand is healing but it is still not 100% and that scares me as I make a living with that hand. This sucks.

I smoked a pork roast yesterday. First time ever. I have had my smoker for 10 years now and never used it. It came out wonderful. The taste? Just perfect. In fact I am about to go and zap a plate of it right now along with some sauteed green beans. I'll write more tomorrow about the West Virgina trip as it was quite an adventure. One I am literally still recovering from.

Oh yeah and PB finally told me what I needed and wanted to hear.

Life

I realize most of my posts have been about my love life, but hey, after 35 or so years of kissing bad frogs, I finally got a good one. Hell, most women's magazines are sold on the basis of how to snag and keep that handsome man. And how to deal with it when ya don't. People are getting frickin rich off this shit. And me, depressed, fat, (well bigger than I have ever been) get this awesome man. And I am enjoying it.

As for life, I have lots of comments about that. So quickly

The economy sucks. Whose fault? Lots of greedy people who have way too much money to begin with and they want more. Send the illegals home and put Americans to work with the jobs that are left.

The war? Hey those soilders are the only working class americans making money. And they are doing a hard job. too bad the real money was made by, you guessed it, greedy rich people who already had too much money. The Gordon Geckos won that war.

This country? Run by the greedy.

So I stay in my little place in the woods and hang onto my life and hope for things to get better. But I am gonna try to finish remaking my life. Gonna get back into my art and start writing again. maybe I can sell a romance novel and pay my bills for a few years.

This week? Hoping to finish up a few things and create some new work. Spend time with the Linds and the Chase next week. And gonna try and start ebaying the excess.
Oh yeah, PB's place at the lake is wonderful. I love it.

In Love

Lots has happened since I last wrote. And no time to get into it all. I live full time with PB. We had our 1 year anniversary. Still trying to balance time with my old home and family. MA says I am torn apart trying to take care of two homes. I guess I am.
But it is worth it. I remember when I was so scared of not being with PB. Not knowing what was going on.
he gives me as much as he can. Still no I love you from him and i have no said it either. But I feel it so very deeply. I love this beautiful, very sweet man. I pray I can share the rest of my life with him. I still look at him and my heart stops.
As for him I think he feels very secure with me. Knowing he has a good woman who will take good care of him and treasure him.