A Ghost Day

It never quite got light today. It was rainy and cloudy, one of those days that never quite wakes all the way up. Its as if it stays dusk all day. I do have to say I love the view from PB's house. Its so Connecticut. The closest I could even find down here.
Strange weekend with him. It was me not him. I got a little put back on Friday, or rather put off. Nothing he did. I just did not hear what I needed to hear. he tried in every other way.
I think I am way too sensitive. From the start with him I have been on the negative side. Always focusing on what is not happening. he is a good man and right now and for the immediate future he is my man.

IF!!!

Why is it so hard to say those three little words? If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would meet a guy who would care for, about me, want to help me with my work, my business and completely change his life to fit with mine and he would be good looking enough to have his own calender, plus the added bonus of being great in the bed, I would have called them nuts.

And here it is 5 months later and I have that. But I also have the problem of J. I don't want to hurt him. We had another talk today. He doesn't blame me for what I did or how I feel. he holds nothing against me. he says he knows what i went through, how hard I tried to make him see. I'm scared he's going to hurt himself.

My friends and family say, "too bad," he had 13 years to have me and he never did and it took losing me completely to make him want me. I wish I could be so hard.

They are all nervous I will screw up things with PB. They all like him. I like him too. I more than like him.

last night we watched the Sex in the City movie and PB says I am Samantha. Maybe I am, but I am more a combo of Carrie and Sam. I love sex, but only with the right guy. And my heart and body belong to PB and him only. Samantha left Smith for herself. I would never do that. I said that to PB. he was happy I felt that way.

Even tho, he never says it, I think PB does not want to lose me. And even tho, I would sooner chew glass than tell PB those 3 words, I don't want to ever think of losing him. His soft fur on that rock hard chest, those incredible blue eyes that sparkle in the night. I'll never forget those eyes on that first date, in my truck, I knew it then. Knew I had never seen eyes like that and wanted those eyes to sparkle at me forever.

I have a beautful sweet caring man who I adore.

So why is it so hard? Why did after 13 years of not wanting me did J change?

Why Am I so Nice?

I am sad a little. J is being so sad about what has happened. He keeps saying how sorry he is and I should be happy he feels that way cos if he was angry it sure would suck more. He days he wishes he could turn back the clock or have a do over. But I do not feel the same as I did. Even without PB it would not be different.

The reality of dating after age 40.

If only Lindsay’s mother had not gone insane, she never would have ended up studying for her nursing exam at my house. And if she never had spent those ten days at my house, if Lindsay had not dared me to look at the online personals for hot local men, I never would have met him.
And life would be very different. So you could say I have Lindsays’ insane mother, my former best friend to thank for meeting the man I always wanted. Or rather the kind of man I always wanted. Sweet, kind, affectionate, pacient, hard working, likes the same things I do, like cars, motorcycles, and lots of sex, and one of the most beautiful looking creatures on the planet earth.

Too bad he know just how hot he is. He only works a half day on Friday and right now he is out in the cold tearing apart lumber structures so he can take home the wood and build a shop for us.

And the dating after 40 part? Its scary. Its too easy to get scared off. Scared of being hurt. I'll never forhget the first time I saw him. Standing there in a whitetank top, jeans, hair flowing back, holding a small bouquet of gardenias. I thought, "Oh no." Look up 'Heartbreaker-Ladykiller- player in the Book of Men Types, and there is a picture of a guy who looks just like him. Go ahead and look. But then figured what the hell, give him a try.

That was 5 months ago. I'm glad I stuck it out. I always say how sweet he is. Barb said something very interesting, she said, "Sure he's sweet, sweet to you." And he is. The other night we were drifting off to sleep, cuddled up against each other and he whispers to me, "Sleep well you sweet girl." It was the way he said it. he says I am so sweet to him. I am. But only sweet to him. I did say something mean to him the other morning. I made a comment about his hairline receeding. I was only kidding but I guess it is true and it really bothers him. But sometimes I have to keep him a little bit on the ground. He can get a little too full of himself. But he is becoming more and more precious to me. Every night we fall asleep in each others arms, everytime he works late building a shop for us, each time he cuddles with me and watches tv, in short, each thing we do together. I have never had anyone like him in my life and it stirs me deeper than anything ever has. I know he has never has anyone like me in his life.

Ok I'll stop being so nausiating. In 3 hours I go to take my godsons out to dinner. 4 and 10 years old. I get to give them their Vegas gifts and spend time with them. My men.

Sex?

PB and I went to the concert last night. It was a pretty amazing show. I wish I could sound more excited. We had a talk on the way to the show. I told PB that J wanted to move out and on. He wanted to know how I felt about it. So I told him.

PB was so funny and sweet. It still takes me by surprise. I used to wonder if it was an act. I don't think it is. I think it is just the way he is.

We just sorta snuggled last night and that was ok. Every morning I wake up there I braid his hair. After I finish I put my arms around him and he smiles that amazingly sweet smile of his.

But there are issues on my mind this morning. Personal things. I came back from Vegas nervous about my work. Everyone talking about things being slow. But now business is looking better, so I now can stop worrying about it for now. And I can put my full resources into worrying about my personal life.

One funny bit from last night, one of the guys singing on stage was very attractive and PB commented on it. I still think I had the hottest guy in that arena. The reality of being with the hottest guy I have ever seen.

If its not one thing..........

its another. Just when I try to settle in and get some kind of routine in my life, wham! Something else happens. I think I should just give up and write a cheezy romance novel and get it over with. My friends are always calling in for updates. Its like a twisted Sex In the City, only on motorcycles. Tonight I girl it up for a night out with PB. Wearing my winter designer dress.
This afternoon, I was busily minding my own business, ironing my hair and the rogue wave hits.
So I gobble down my new passion, an orange flavored Goody's Powder. Dang that shit works good. Better than Zanax.
Ok, time for girl stuff, dress, makeup, tall shoes, and Chanel. Should bought some Coco in Vegas.

What I learned today

I learned that no matter how hard life has made me, I have a very soft side. I see that side coming out more and more due to the man in my life. He renews me more and more as time goes on.
It shows in my artwork and in my writing. My editor is digging the new book so far. He says it is my best one yet.
But it still scares me. My buddy Mike said it best, relationships are harder once you get older. You have the scars and the bad experiences and it is easier to give up and stay away. But so far I hang in. He is worth it...so far.
Well back to the studio. back to the tools I have handled for so very long. Only they feel differently these days. Crazy days.

Ok....

I started blogging a few years ago and then life got nuts. Or maybe I got nuts or was always there. I haven't had time to figure it out. I was too busy trying to keep the bills paid. Life and debts and traveling, Seattle, Colorado, Vegas,

Sturgis,

Daytona,

the Keys,

Tahiti,

Vegas... and all in name of art, literature and motorcycles. Wow, that does sound large. Maybe I have had a pretty good life. There have been good moments.

But along the way, my original blog got lost.

So here is a new one. The question is, how available I will make it. I mean I want to write things about my life, my views, things that happen, But I do not want my customers to think I am crazy. I mean, would you really want a crazy person to do your work? It would work well for my journalism career. Its ok to READ something a crazy person wrote. It worked so well for Hunter Thompson. But would you really want to PAY thousands of dollars to have a crazy person do artwork for you?

BTW, I really don't think I am crazy. I have met crazy people. People with guns, loose emotions, and agendas. All I want to do is pay my bills, ride my bikes, and lay next to my sweet boyfriend at night. A simple life.