Why the Silly BS???

I just on a online m/c board and was reminded why I tend to stay away from the current m/c world unless my living depends on it. I mean, if customer keep on coming to my shop, then I would seldom even go to bike events. In fact, there is one bike event I usually go to every year, but this year I will not be there.

Life is just way too short for the stupid infighting. This one did that or this one said this. That is one thing about being old, and being in this business longer than most of the whiners now involved. And these guys just keep on whining and crying and creating drama.

Plus, its a scary world out there. I also tend to stay away from watching or reading the news, as it is just plain scary. Two men in my household are currently without jobs and there are no jobs in their professions around here. Hell, 20 years again, when I was welding, I would get $10 an hour. Now the cost of living has increased a bunch and I look in the paper and hell, that's still the going rate for welding? And one of the men is in his 60's. Like anyone would hire him to weld?

Millions of people can't find jobs cos most of the jobs are gone forever, most to China.

My brother in law is constantly talking about how the economy is going to fall completely and the nightmare that will follow. It drives me nuts as I have enough to do without trying to deal with his end of the world talk. Ok I have to work my ass off, come up with enough work to keep two households going and now it all may be for nothing as the the USA crumbles around me?

Oh I just want it to be summer and go to the lake and relax and forget.

But its winter and its cold and wet. And times are tough and ( getting tougher maybe.) All while the world watches tv and forgets how much richer the rich are getting and how most of us are getting poorer.
I mean who gives a fuck about the "stars' of reality tv? Like that is gonna help me pay my bills?
Oh well, enough of that. Somehow I'll survive and my life will go on. And Wall Street execs got over 20 Billion in bonuses. But the majority of the country can barely pay their bills. Sick, sick world.

Feeling Alive in the Middle of Winter

And to think I did not even want to go to the VTwin Expo. I'd been feeling so beat down, the last thing I wanted to do was to put myself in the public end of my industry and feel even worse. But somehow, it all worked out better than I would have ever thought. I had a great time and PB did too.

Seeing and spending time with old and new friends, making connections and renewing old ones. I came away feeling energized and ready to work. I felt good again.

Have you ever felt so bad, that it seemed as tho you'd never feel good again? Well maybe not never, but not feel good again for a very long time?

I did last month. But it was the best VTwin Expo ever for me. I can remember the 2005 Expo, sitting next to the railing on the huge mezzanine over the lobby of the Westin, at the Drag Specialties Party, and feeling awful. Alone, overwhelmed and beat down by life.

Part of what made it such a special time this year was PB. He was amazing. It takes a real man to stand back while his woman does her thing. For me that thing is networking, talking, connecting. Not once did he make me feel guilty for leaving him alone for moments here and there. He talked to people, looked at stuff and did not give any me attitude. It takes a real man to do that. Not many men could or would.

He puts up with all my BS with endless patience, the stupid little fits I throw when I am stressed. He babies me and comforts me when I don't feel well. He supports me emotionally and professionally in a way that I have never known before and sadly, that most careerminded women, will never know.

And to think I found him on Yahoo personals. In my head I can clearly see that moment when I first saw him, a breathtaking vision in a white tank top and levis. And he is mine. I call him my beautiful man. Because that is what he is to me.

So many moments in my life that felt like pure hell, mostly due to me giving my heart to someone who did not deserve it.

Oh well, it is snowing outside and they are saying it will be quite the snowstorm. I am ready. In the winter of 1985/86, back home in CT, I lived by Lake Terrimougus. One night, it snowed bigtime and I took my 2 german shephards for a walk around the 3/4 mile lake. The snow covered streets were so soft that I ran most of the way. When I was done going all the way around the lake, I felt so good, I did it again. It felt amazing, surreal. I was 25 years old with my whole life ahead of me.

I'll never forget that magic night. And whenever it snows at night, enough to give a good cover of snow, I'll take my dog and go walking.

Living in the South, I don't get the chance to do that very often, In fact I've only done it once since 1990.

Maybe tonight 50 year old women will go out hiking in the snow with her dog. There's a lake down the street even.

Back From Hell?

God I hope so. I haven't written in a while as life took one of turns straight into hell. Funny, how it happens, it sneaks up on you, and suddenly wham! You're in hell. Now the difference between a younger person and an older person is, the older person has most likely been in hell before and figures its just a matter of time before they get past that point, and move back into the sun. Teh younger person totally suffers as it feels like hell time last forever.
But this time was scary. In fact it may not be not over yet. But I really hope so. The past week was a rough one.

Quickies

1) PB's oldest son and gf were her for a 5 day visit from Vegas. It was wonderful. I love cooking and doing the family thing. We had great meals, shot guns, hell I even shot an Uzi! Spent time with PB's mom and dad. We went up to the lake, where it was a lovely 25 degrees. Built a campfire on the bluff overlooking the lake and toasted marshmallows. We cuddled under blankets at home and watched DVDs. Paranormal Activity is kinda spooky. It was hard dropping them back off at the airport. It felt like we were losing part of us, but at the same time, it was good to have the house to ourselves.

2) Found out my best riding buddy's cancer is back in a big way. It is all over her body, in every organ. She starts chemo next week. She's hoping to have one last year to ride and see as much of the US as possible. More about this later. I'm messed up over this.

3) Sad, sick, insane Irene is due to be around this coming weekend. I have warned Jack as she will most likely stop in there. If she gets jack sick again with stress, I may be the one who goes insane. Very sad that she has no idea what real troubles are. See #2.

4) Tons of work to get done in the shop.

5) I really need to cut back on the food and start working out again. Th cold has made it easy to stay inside and continue to get fat.

New Year, Old Hope

This blog was started as a way to work through a difficult time in my life. At the time, I was 48 years old, and my personal life had become a sad joke. The kind of story people tell when they want to feel good about their lives. "hey at least my life is better than hers." I had no children to share this life with, a former husband I still shared a life with, who had married me for all the wrong reasons. The main one being, he wanted a nice woman who would care of him. Did not matter, he was so turned off to me physically, he refused to cuddle with me, let alone share a bed. So I had slept alone for 14 years. My unhappiness had finally begun to affect my business to the point where I could not have cared less about it. It was only a burden to me.
A person can only find so many other way to satisfy the needs. One can only hike so much, ride so much, before it can no longer fill the void.
Our happy home in the country, had become an isolated compound where I spent all my nights alone. But through it all, I always hoped it would get better, but it takes two. Every new years eve, I would make a special meal, try and have a nice evening. but he would be in the garage, politely ignoring me until midnight, when he would let up and join me for a drink.

And each year I would get sadder. No kids, no love = no life.

And then last year, the new relationship, wondering where it would lead, hoping he loved me, juggling hard to keep all the balls in the air, caught up in the exileration of new hope and almost love.

And now here I am, a year later, hope renewed. My business busier than ever, doing the best work of my life, my shop out back of our little house. 2 step children to care for, a grandbaby to love, an almost daughter in law to bond with. A little piece of heaven on the shores of Lake Norman to luxuriate in not often enough. Yes, having PB in my life has made all the difference. And I now have new burdens to shoulder. And money is tight with both PB and the ex out of work.

Sure there's always problems, but now there is life with love. And life = hope.

I have a life worth living. I do not feel anger towards my ex. I take care of him because it is the right thing to do.

PB said he was glad to see 2009 end and it was a not a great year. But for me, 2009 was wonderful. It was a year of hope and love. We worked towards our future together, building up his home for us. We traveled, we rode our bikes on trips through hell and laughed and made it home safely. We danced and tailgated at the Coldplay concert under a full moon, him holding me and making sure I felt special. We relaxed at heaven by the lake, forgetting about the cold hard real world, if only for a weekend.

His son and gf came home safely from their deployment in Iraq. We ruled at the big trade show.

And each night we feel asleep in each other's arms.

2009 was a wondeful year for me.

So now its 2010. A year for work and build. A year to finish what we started in 09. A year to help make our future more enjoyable and secure. I am all about security. Its a cold hard world out there. It helps to have someone to help you stay warm.

Holiday Realities

PB has just walked out the door to go Christmas shopping. The house is quiet with the dog on the back porch and the prissy white cat purring next to me on the couch. Most of the gifts are wrapped and I have a few dishes to wash and holiday thoughts are running through my brain.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight"

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is without a doubt my favorite holiday song. Judy Garland sang it in Meet me in St Louis. And to hear the emotion in her voice as she sang it, well, it really brings up what can be the grim reality that the holidays can present. Its so easy to get sad and feel bad this time of year. To look back at the past year and beat up on yourself that you did not accomplish enough, that in some way, you did not live up to the hopes you had a year ago.
People get so caught up in spending money, in "how they look" to others, what people will think if the image they present is less than expected. But for me, Christmas is about hope and peace and love.

I have known happy Christmases but more sad ones. Tough times in a tough world that I grew up in. Visions of my mom crying because she had no money to buy things. But through it all, I have never given up that the next year will be better.
PB is sad cos he doesn't have much money to spend on gifts. But he has given me far more in love and hope than he could ever purchase at a store. To cuddle in bed with him, to feel his affection and warmth is priceless.
I'll go out soon to buy a few more gifts, get groceries for our holiday meals, food for the dog. Then go over to Jack's and give him his gifts and play with the dogs over there.
I do all I can for the people in my life and I hope that is enough for them.
That's why I love that song, cos its all about renewing hope.

"But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

You Got to Have the Sour

Walk in someone else's shoes. Or at least walk along with them and be observant. Now I have always been thankful for my life with PB. But after spending a weekend with some real celebrities? I am even more apprecative of my little life.
When I say real famous people? Well one of them was real famous. About as famous as it gets. This person is a legend and for the most part, a very good person. Pretty down to earth for a legend. And I had a whole lot of fun hanging out. And this person went out of the way to make sure I did have a good time. And that meant much to me.
But it wasn't just this that made it strange. There were other well known people and the dramas surrounding them was ...well..........something straight out of something like Desperate Housewives or some other who is doing who drama.
But it was all a bit overwhelming and if I was younger, maybe I would have embraced it all more than I did. But I am 50 years old. And yeah it was fun, but for the most part, I would have preferred to be home. I know what I like. What feels good to me.
But maybe that what it takes. You've got to have the sour to appreciate the sweet. Like if all you had was sweet all the time, you can never fully know just how sweet, the sweet can be.
And I've had plenty of sour in my 50 years.

In other news, my former best friend has gone completely insane. ....again.