This time yesterday I was luxuriating in the thankfulness that my shop has a somewhat healthy workload. A miracle in this dismal economy. My head was free from the cloud of stess and worry for the first time in years.
Then today PB comes home from work and annouces he's been laid off again. 3 times in 1 year. Sure he'll be able to help me and hopefully he'll get called back to work before too long. There's no plumbing jobs out there. The pickins are mightly slim. So again I need to try and build my business up enough to support two people.
I'm not feeling awful or anything. I'll be fine. Its just the up and down of the rollercoaster. Nope don't like it. Life's challenges? Nope, I've had enough challenges, enough for several lifetimes. Smooth routines, no bad surprises. That's what I need.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
A Better Sunday
It was the first normal sort of Sunday in many months. There was no ovewhelming feeling of tension weighing down, crushing my spirit. I was cooking in the kithen, watching the movie, "Country." Its about the farming crisis of the 80s'.
The veggies from the garden have been piling up. The poor garden has been so neglected for the past month. Weeks of being in the shop from 7am to 9 pm, so beat by 9pm, thatbythe time I clean the shop and come inside, there's nothing left. I barely cooked meals. The house began to get that cluttered, untidy effect.
But startng this week my work schedule is getting more managable. And that has made all the difference.
I picked a bunch of sweet banana peppers, cabano and anahiam peppers, a zuccinni, a boatload of tomatoes. I sauteeded them up. Then pounded some chicken breast flat, and rolled them up with ham and swiss cheese, dipped in milk and rolled in seasoned bread cumbs and baked that for 30 minutes. had some tomatoes and cucumbers marinating in salad dressing.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Than PB and I sat down at the table and had Sunday dinner for the first time in over a month. yeah, when we have his son, we have dinner at the table, but not that much.
It all felt good after so many months of stress. The stress was tearing me up, beating me down.
I think of a friend of mine, who is getting ready for a trade show in a few weeks. I know all too well how hard that will be when you wait until the last minute to get ready. Trying to accomplish several months worth of work in 3 weeks. It is something that feels like pure hell.
I was thinking how awful it would feel to be in that posistion. It made me feel so good to be where I am. Sure I won;t be at the show and I'll miss the networking an excitement, but hell, it feels great to not have that brutal weight hanging over me.
I had lunch with my nieces last Friday. It was a simple thing, go to their new apartment and them go to lunch at Red Robin. Then we went back to their place and talked
and laughed.
And it felt wonderful. For the first time in a long time, the stress of work was not crushing me constantly.
As for my personal life, it has been wonderful lately. PB has been so sweet and supportive.
But sitting here on a lazy Sunday, life feels worth living.
The veggies from the garden have been piling up. The poor garden has been so neglected for the past month. Weeks of being in the shop from 7am to 9 pm, so beat by 9pm, thatbythe time I clean the shop and come inside, there's nothing left. I barely cooked meals. The house began to get that cluttered, untidy effect.
But startng this week my work schedule is getting more managable. And that has made all the difference.
I picked a bunch of sweet banana peppers, cabano and anahiam peppers, a zuccinni, a boatload of tomatoes. I sauteeded them up. Then pounded some chicken breast flat, and rolled them up with ham and swiss cheese, dipped in milk and rolled in seasoned bread cumbs and baked that for 30 minutes. had some tomatoes and cucumbers marinating in salad dressing.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Than PB and I sat down at the table and had Sunday dinner for the first time in over a month. yeah, when we have his son, we have dinner at the table, but not that much.
It all felt good after so many months of stress. The stress was tearing me up, beating me down.
I think of a friend of mine, who is getting ready for a trade show in a few weeks. I know all too well how hard that will be when you wait until the last minute to get ready. Trying to accomplish several months worth of work in 3 weeks. It is something that feels like pure hell.
I was thinking how awful it would feel to be in that posistion. It made me feel so good to be where I am. Sure I won;t be at the show and I'll miss the networking an excitement, but hell, it feels great to not have that brutal weight hanging over me.
I had lunch with my nieces last Friday. It was a simple thing, go to their new apartment and them go to lunch at Red Robin. Then we went back to their place and talked
and laughed.
And it felt wonderful. For the first time in a long time, the stress of work was not crushing me constantly.
As for my personal life, it has been wonderful lately. PB has been so sweet and supportive.
But sitting here on a lazy Sunday, life feels worth living.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Not sure
Not sure how to feel about my personal life. Too many questions. Trust is a hard thing when you have a past like mine. So much betrayal. I wonder if total trust will ever be possible.
I have a friend like me, how she gets through it all, I don't know. She too is a giver but somehow is not as sensitive as me.
But now is not the time for getting lost in it. I have too much to lose as far as business goes. Bills must be paid. I have to take care of myself. No one there to do it for me. No one to fall back on. There never has been, not really. No parents, no family.
Most people I know, like Martha, always have someone, she has her ex hes always is there to bail her out.
I just have to keep going, keep strong, and somehow, things will work out one way or another.
I have a friend like me, how she gets through it all, I don't know. She too is a giver but somehow is not as sensitive as me.
But now is not the time for getting lost in it. I have too much to lose as far as business goes. Bills must be paid. I have to take care of myself. No one there to do it for me. No one to fall back on. There never has been, not really. No parents, no family.
Most people I know, like Martha, always have someone, she has her ex hes always is there to bail her out.
I just have to keep going, keep strong, and somehow, things will work out one way or another.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Suddenly it was June!
June 2010. How did that happen? Not too long ago it was Jan and I was in hell. Now its hot as hell. Happy father's day to all the dads out there. And men who are dads to kitties and puppies they count as dads. Got to get in the shop so here's some quick news
1) I'm almost caught up in my work and its great feeling. 2 more days and I should be there.
2) PB and I had a very bad week. The stress levels of the past year and our reactions to them resulted in some behavoir that was less than ideal. Nothing super bad, but we almost broke up. I tried to leave. Even had the cat packed up in her carrier. But he talked me into staying. We both had alot to think about, both he and i had to be very honest about ourselves. And that is not ever an easy thing to do. That was 2 weeks ago. The end result? We both realized what we have is something to treasure and never lose. Something to embrace. I have to learn not to let the stress from my work injure our relationship.
3) PB's younger son and I are bonding so well. I love that kid. We bought him a little dirt bike for his 12th birthday. Weren't sure if he's like it as he hates motorcycles. He got on it and ran it right into PB's jeep. But like a trooper, he got back on it and has been riding it like a clever madman ever since. He tries not to ride beyond his abilities which are improving all the time.
One of things that made me very depressed over the last 10 years was not having a child of my own. This boy is the closest I will ever come. So it means the world when he hugs me.
4) And big news, I stood up to PB's ex. Instead of "hiding" at a school event, (which I do so she won't give PB any crap) I stood tall and proud. her son hugged me twice in front of her. She looked small, dumpy and wearing a cheap ill fitting shirt that looked awful when it was new.
and 5) PB and I are going to San Franciso next weekend for his family reunion. His dad is flying us out. I've never been there. Plus Tuesday is our 2 yr anniversary. 2 years of cuddling, hugs, kisses, and unbelievable emotional support from the handsomest man to ever walk the earth. No one in my life has ever been so good for me. He's my world.
1) I'm almost caught up in my work and its great feeling. 2 more days and I should be there.
2) PB and I had a very bad week. The stress levels of the past year and our reactions to them resulted in some behavoir that was less than ideal. Nothing super bad, but we almost broke up. I tried to leave. Even had the cat packed up in her carrier. But he talked me into staying. We both had alot to think about, both he and i had to be very honest about ourselves. And that is not ever an easy thing to do. That was 2 weeks ago. The end result? We both realized what we have is something to treasure and never lose. Something to embrace. I have to learn not to let the stress from my work injure our relationship.
3) PB's younger son and I are bonding so well. I love that kid. We bought him a little dirt bike for his 12th birthday. Weren't sure if he's like it as he hates motorcycles. He got on it and ran it right into PB's jeep. But like a trooper, he got back on it and has been riding it like a clever madman ever since. He tries not to ride beyond his abilities which are improving all the time.
One of things that made me very depressed over the last 10 years was not having a child of my own. This boy is the closest I will ever come. So it means the world when he hugs me.
4) And big news, I stood up to PB's ex. Instead of "hiding" at a school event, (which I do so she won't give PB any crap) I stood tall and proud. her son hugged me twice in front of her. She looked small, dumpy and wearing a cheap ill fitting shirt that looked awful when it was new.
and 5) PB and I are going to San Franciso next weekend for his family reunion. His dad is flying us out. I've never been there. Plus Tuesday is our 2 yr anniversary. 2 years of cuddling, hugs, kisses, and unbelievable emotional support from the handsomest man to ever walk the earth. No one in my life has ever been so good for me. He's my world.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Scare
The dr's office was trying to get a hold my ex yesterday at 7:30 am. Jack's dr wanted him to come in to redo a blood test immediately. Said his pottassium levels were too high.
So I look it up and find out that high P levels are a sign of an impending massive heart attack. Another sign, being tired and feeling poorly. Jack had felt tired and poorly. Yikes.
But it could be the blood test was wrong, if they draw the blood too quickly it can give a false high as the red blood cells can be distorted. I guess it happens alot.
I was a mess until they called Jack back after the new test.
The new results were fine. The being tired was cos Jack is taking malaria meds for tick bites.
If it was been a true high P level, then Jack would have been in the hospital and I would be there with him and it would have turned into one of those horrible weekends of waiting, praying and hoping desperately for things to go right. A feeling I know all too well.
Nothing like staring despair and desperation in the face and then shut the door on it. A wonderful feeling.
Life moves on.
So I look it up and find out that high P levels are a sign of an impending massive heart attack. Another sign, being tired and feeling poorly. Jack had felt tired and poorly. Yikes.
But it could be the blood test was wrong, if they draw the blood too quickly it can give a false high as the red blood cells can be distorted. I guess it happens alot.
I was a mess until they called Jack back after the new test.
The new results were fine. The being tired was cos Jack is taking malaria meds for tick bites.
If it was been a true high P level, then Jack would have been in the hospital and I would be there with him and it would have turned into one of those horrible weekends of waiting, praying and hoping desperately for things to go right. A feeling I know all too well.
Nothing like staring despair and desperation in the face and then shut the door on it. A wonderful feeling.
Life moves on.
Friday, May 28, 2010
A Quickie
The weeks seem to go by faster and faster. Last weekend was a wonderful escape from my usual world. Camping next to a stream with good friends. The kind of thing that makes life worth all the painful stuff we have to go through.
I'm glad I got away. I really needed it. I couldn't see things clearly. I did not have the kind of energy I need to get things accomplished that need to be done and finished.
Granted the weekend activities beat me up a bit, but somehow today I am seeing things clearly, what I need to do. Took out my clipboard for the first time in weeks and starting listing things that need done.
As it is memorial Day weekend, I cannot help but think of last year when Martha thought I should spend the weekend with her as PB had to work the race. Of course she did not tell me but just suggested and hoped I'd come and then blew a major gasket when I stayed home. Time flies no matter what and it feels good to put her drama behind me.
And on another note, age 50 is not being kind to me. Ok guys, you can stop reading now as the following is women stuff. The M Word has invaded my world. In a word or 3, not fun. The hot flash stuff is pretty awful. But I am toughing it out. Not complaining, trying to not turn up the ac too much.
So I am thinking I have too much body fat, that's why I am suffering so much with this "M" stuff. I have got to get in shape. So in my usual poor financial judgement (why stop now? Why not keep blowing money I have so much experience at it) I am buying a rowing shell. Its used. Now sure i could keep riding my mt bike, but after hell, 17 or 18 years of it, I am bored with it. I find excuses not to bike. meanwhile my body is going to hell or atleast looks like it is.
So instead of spending the money on something smart, I'm spending it on me. Its not alot, but enough to give me pause.
Ok, back to work I go. I've got alot to catch up with workwise. Meanwhile I dream of lazy weekends at the lake, reading or rowing. With no work related things on my mind. So lets see how soon I get there.
I'm glad I got away. I really needed it. I couldn't see things clearly. I did not have the kind of energy I need to get things accomplished that need to be done and finished.
Granted the weekend activities beat me up a bit, but somehow today I am seeing things clearly, what I need to do. Took out my clipboard for the first time in weeks and starting listing things that need done.
As it is memorial Day weekend, I cannot help but think of last year when Martha thought I should spend the weekend with her as PB had to work the race. Of course she did not tell me but just suggested and hoped I'd come and then blew a major gasket when I stayed home. Time flies no matter what and it feels good to put her drama behind me.
And on another note, age 50 is not being kind to me. Ok guys, you can stop reading now as the following is women stuff. The M Word has invaded my world. In a word or 3, not fun. The hot flash stuff is pretty awful. But I am toughing it out. Not complaining, trying to not turn up the ac too much.
So I am thinking I have too much body fat, that's why I am suffering so much with this "M" stuff. I have got to get in shape. So in my usual poor financial judgement (why stop now? Why not keep blowing money I have so much experience at it) I am buying a rowing shell. Its used. Now sure i could keep riding my mt bike, but after hell, 17 or 18 years of it, I am bored with it. I find excuses not to bike. meanwhile my body is going to hell or atleast looks like it is.
So instead of spending the money on something smart, I'm spending it on me. Its not alot, but enough to give me pause.
Ok, back to work I go. I've got alot to catch up with workwise. Meanwhile I dream of lazy weekends at the lake, reading or rowing. With no work related things on my mind. So lets see how soon I get there.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Green Days
There's alot of scary stuff going down in the world. Some sick stuff like the US coming in at 28th in the world for the best place to be a mother. The number one determing factor was how crappy moms get treated in this country by their employers and health insurnace providers. I don't know what worse for this country, if the working class isn't getting terrorized by terrorists, they're getting screwed over by corporate greed. Sad realities for a country founded on freedom. Yeah, freedom for who? Not for the average american who works their ass off surviving only to pay most of their check to one insurance company after another. Car insurnace, health insurnace, life insurnace, home, flood, and on and on.
Ok that rant is over and here's my point, the average person can't do a thing about any of it. I just read a story that 44% of Congress are millionaires. You think they actually care about the people who have helped make them rich? Nope. So why worry?
I'm not gonna. I've spent half my life worrying about one thing after another.
I need a break for this next half. PB and I spent last weekend at the lake. We were only gonna go up for one night and ended up spending 2 nights. No tv, no internet, and our place has a very isolated feel as there are thick woods on each side and it insulates us from the neighbors. We sat in the gazebo over the water and watched life happen around us on the lake. The geese were having a battle with our dog over the dock. The ducks were chasing each other around over the water. PB tried to catch fish but Zoey tried helping too much and scared most of the fish away. I couldn't stop laughing, she was so funny.
But it was 2 days of heaven. Its so easy to shut everything out when I am there. Then there are these big incredible houses I row past on the water and people are seldom in them. Mansions that only get used once in a while.
Am I wrong to not want to know whats going on? I've spent so much of my life in pain and heartache. I don't want to know more of the ugly things that happen around me. I'm tired. Really tired of a life, in which so much time was spent being sad and scared. Tired of fighting. Of struggling to survive.
When I'm not working my ass in the shop and dealing with the pleasuredome of self employment, I want to relax and work in my garden. I want to cuddle with PB and watch movies. I want to sit on the bluff at our lake place and cook meals over an open fire, then go and row or swim around the lake. I want to ride our motorcycles with friends. I want to shut out the greedheads and the nut jobs and enjoy what life I have left in the world.
Ok that rant is over and here's my point, the average person can't do a thing about any of it. I just read a story that 44% of Congress are millionaires. You think they actually care about the people who have helped make them rich? Nope. So why worry?
I'm not gonna. I've spent half my life worrying about one thing after another.
I need a break for this next half. PB and I spent last weekend at the lake. We were only gonna go up for one night and ended up spending 2 nights. No tv, no internet, and our place has a very isolated feel as there are thick woods on each side and it insulates us from the neighbors. We sat in the gazebo over the water and watched life happen around us on the lake. The geese were having a battle with our dog over the dock. The ducks were chasing each other around over the water. PB tried to catch fish but Zoey tried helping too much and scared most of the fish away. I couldn't stop laughing, she was so funny.
But it was 2 days of heaven. Its so easy to shut everything out when I am there. Then there are these big incredible houses I row past on the water and people are seldom in them. Mansions that only get used once in a while.
Am I wrong to not want to know whats going on? I've spent so much of my life in pain and heartache. I don't want to know more of the ugly things that happen around me. I'm tired. Really tired of a life, in which so much time was spent being sad and scared. Tired of fighting. Of struggling to survive.
When I'm not working my ass in the shop and dealing with the pleasuredome of self employment, I want to relax and work in my garden. I want to cuddle with PB and watch movies. I want to sit on the bluff at our lake place and cook meals over an open fire, then go and row or swim around the lake. I want to ride our motorcycles with friends. I want to shut out the greedheads and the nut jobs and enjoy what life I have left in the world.
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