A Quickie

The weeks seem to go by faster and faster. Last weekend was a wonderful escape from my usual world. Camping next to a stream with good friends. The kind of thing that makes life worth all the painful stuff we have to go through.
I'm glad I got away. I really needed it. I couldn't see things clearly. I did not have the kind of energy I need to get things accomplished that need to be done and finished.
Granted the weekend activities beat me up a bit, but somehow today I am seeing things clearly, what I need to do. Took out my clipboard for the first time in weeks and starting listing things that need done.
As it is memorial Day weekend, I cannot help but think of last year when Martha thought I should spend the weekend with her as PB had to work the race. Of course she did not tell me but just suggested and hoped I'd come and then blew a major gasket when I stayed home. Time flies no matter what and it feels good to put her drama behind me.
And on another note, age 50 is not being kind to me. Ok guys, you can stop reading now as the following is women stuff. The M Word has invaded my world. In a word or 3, not fun. The hot flash stuff is pretty awful. But I am toughing it out. Not complaining, trying to not turn up the ac too much.
So I am thinking I have too much body fat, that's why I am suffering so much with this "M" stuff. I have got to get in shape. So in my usual poor financial judgement (why stop now? Why not keep blowing money I have so much experience at it) I am buying a rowing shell. Its used. Now sure i could keep riding my mt bike, but after hell, 17 or 18 years of it, I am bored with it. I find excuses not to bike. meanwhile my body is going to hell or atleast looks like it is.
So instead of spending the money on something smart, I'm spending it on me. Its not alot, but enough to give me pause.
Ok, back to work I go. I've got alot to catch up with workwise. Meanwhile I dream of lazy weekends at the lake, reading or rowing. With no work related things on my mind. So lets see how soon I get there.

Green Days

There's alot of scary stuff going down in the world. Some sick stuff like the US coming in at 28th in the world for the best place to be a mother. The number one determing factor was how crappy moms get treated in this country by their employers and health insurnace providers. I don't know what worse for this country, if the working class isn't getting terrorized by terrorists, they're getting screwed over by corporate greed. Sad realities for a country founded on freedom. Yeah, freedom for who? Not for the average american who works their ass off surviving only to pay most of their check to one insurance company after another. Car insurnace, health insurnace, life insurnace, home, flood, and on and on.
Ok that rant is over and here's my point, the average person can't do a thing about any of it. I just read a story that 44% of Congress are millionaires. You think they actually care about the people who have helped make them rich? Nope. So why worry?
I'm not gonna. I've spent half my life worrying about one thing after another.

I need a break for this next half. PB and I spent last weekend at the lake. We were only gonna go up for one night and ended up spending 2 nights. No tv, no internet, and our place has a very isolated feel as there are thick woods on each side and it insulates us from the neighbors. We sat in the gazebo over the water and watched life happen around us on the lake. The geese were having a battle with our dog over the dock. The ducks were chasing each other around over the water. PB tried to catch fish but Zoey tried helping too much and scared most of the fish away. I couldn't stop laughing, she was so funny.
But it was 2 days of heaven. Its so easy to shut everything out when I am there. Then there are these big incredible houses I row past on the water and people are seldom in them. Mansions that only get used once in a while.
Am I wrong to not want to know whats going on? I've spent so much of my life in pain and heartache. I don't want to know more of the ugly things that happen around me. I'm tired. Really tired of a life, in which so much time was spent being sad and scared. Tired of fighting. Of struggling to survive.
When I'm not working my ass in the shop and dealing with the pleasuredome of self employment, I want to relax and work in my garden. I want to cuddle with PB and watch movies. I want to sit on the bluff at our lake place and cook meals over an open fire, then go and row or swim around the lake. I want to ride our motorcycles with friends. I want to shut out the greedheads and the nut jobs and enjoy what life I have left in the world.

A View from the Compound

Wonderful dreamy weekend with PB and his younger son Brad. PB hung some of my artwork up on the walls. And my Road warrior poster. I rode bicycles with Brad . We planted the veggie garden and cleaned up the house. I sat there and watched the one of brad's favorite shows. he really wanted me to share something with him, like watching that show.
The whole weekend just had this dreamlike quality to it.

And now it is Monday and of course not everything is going smooth. Glitch city sometimes. But I don't have that feeling of everything caving down on me. The feeling that was driving me under this winter.

Last year I had a chance to get a bunch of work, and I went for it. It would have required lots of brutal long hours. Of course the money would have been incredible. But in the end I glad I did not get the work. It would have burnt me out.

So here I sit, work in the shop, dealing with the downside of having your own shop. But life feels good. I'm finally getting used to being happy.
PB has changed my life and I treasure the life we share.

Feeling Better Again.

There was a dark time in January when I felt I would never feel good again. I completely blew it on a high profile project. I mean bad. And the stress level has been up ever since. The only thing that kept me going was my beautiful PonyBoy and fantasizing about summer weekends at the lake with him.

And last week I finally cracked. I had reached my limit. I was done, toast. Puking my way through a trade show last weekend. My tummy in knots. But it seems I have finally dialed down from all that stress.

I still am having problems eating but maybe I'll lose that 15 lbs I gained as I ate my way through the winter.

Ok out into the shop I'll go. PB will be home from work soon. He'll work with me for a while, then we'll eat pizza. Tonight I get to cuddle in bed with the sweetest, sexiest man on the planet, ( and yes I honestly feel that way.)

7am

Last week was one of those weeks when the stress overwhelmed me. I had to take care of my brother's 10 dogs. That is, go to his house, 15 minutes away twice a day and spend 30 minutes feeding, watering, and cleaning the kennels. It took up two hours a day during a week, when I could not afford to lose such time.
But he takes of my our dog when we are gone, so I did it.

Tuesday was my birthday, and it was a wonderful day. And it was all downhill after that. Thursday i tried to break up with PB, it had been a long day and I really needed his help. We had a very important trade show to do and I was also stressed about only having 3 actual workdays last week. PB was very tired after work and he did not feel good, so he was not too enthusiastic about helping me load up the trailer. Plus I'd had a bad day with the ex on Thursday.

I guess after all I have been through its hard to really let someone in. I am so used to doing things on my own. Not needing any help or rather admitting that I need help.
But I realized something last week, after all the fighting, I really do need PB. I need his help, I want his help.
I'm tired. I'm tired to being alone, of doing everything I can for people and not getting back that support most of the time.
My brother fixed my truck last week. He wants to do everything he can to it, that it needs to last another 200,000 miles. It felt good to hear him talk that way. I'm glad I took care of his dogs.

AS for PB, I am never going to try and break up with him again. I'm not going to give him a hard time anymore. I need him in so many ways. I have so much bitterness and anger at the times in my life when people, well basically used me. My parents, my boyfriends, my friends, taking advantage my my work ethic, of my helpfulness, and it resulting in them getting what they needed and me standing alone, in whatever mess they left me in.

PB is not like that. And I have to stop treating him like they should have been treated. He is the most helpful, nurturing, kind, loving person I have ever had in my life. He deserves better. He deserves the me, I want to be.

BTW, his ex made issues about the weekend. I just love the double standard. So unfair.

Quick Takes

There's something about Spring that soothes me. Despite the mindblowing hectic stress of finishing up winter/spring projects in the shop, there are days like today that just feel ......good.
Today the atmosphere has that rare feel that only comes before a spring time rain. The brillant bright green of baby leaves sprouting everywhere. It casts a surreal glow on a cloudy day.

So here's what's up.

1) I had a wonderful 50th birthday with PB. He came home from work and cooked me dinner, ribeye steaks, twice baked potatoes and corn. His step mom made me a cake. We had to go to my bro's to take care of his 10 dogs. Yes there are 10, the fam is on vacation to SeaWorld. So we go out to the jeep and there's this incredible magenta colored rose bush in the front seat of the Jeep. I was floored, as PB is quite poor these days, and I was only expecting a dinner, not a gift. It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.

2) Yesterday was awful. Business issues to deal with, and after 16 years, I do not know why I expect my ex to be tactful with people. I hope he did not really screw things up for himself business wise. I was over his house and we had a business meeting with someone and no matter how many times I tried to change the subject, he just took the conversation down a path it
should have never been on in the first place. I do not think the person was impressed. Tact and diplomacy have never been in my ex's vocabulary. So he may have rendered much of my hard work for his shop, all for nothing, with one 5 minute conversation.

3) It really threw me for a loop. I was so fed up, I came home and gave PB a very hard time. I guess I don't want to trust anyone. I work so hard to keep us all in our homes and our bills paid. And sometimes it feels so hopeless. Yesterday was one of those hopeless days. And the underlying stress of the past few months caught up with me and I cracked. Despite the overwhelming situations I keep going, telling myself everything will work out for the better and everything will be ok. And then days like yesterday blow me over and I fall apart. I tried to get PB to break up with me. I don't want to trust or depend on anyone.
Not that PB has ever let me down, but a lifetime of bad programming can set a person up for a lifetime of disappointments.

4) But today I feel better. I'm enjoying the spring colors, the weird vibe in the air that only comes in the early springtime. The ex has got to stand on his own, be his own man, guide his own destiny. He is simply far too dependant on me.

Westboro Baptist "Church?"

Ok so this supposed church that protests at military funerals and all kinds of other events. I saw something about this on facebook this morning and spent a few minutes looking it up. And here is how I feel about it.

1) Its not really a church. Its a washed up lawyer who came up with a sick, but novel way to keep his name in the news and make money.

2) He and his greedhog children are bullies. Plain and simple. They torment those who have done no wrong. Families who are going through great tragedies as they bury their loved ones. if this "church" has such a hatred for this country, why don't they go somewhere else? If they have such contempt of the government, why don't they protest Congress instead of brutally picking on people who are simply trying to bury their loved ones?

3) They do it because they are cowardly bullies who hide behind the same laws that protect the same people they are against. They are hypocritical bullies who only want publicity so they can get money.

4) If anyone is going to burn in hell? They can rest assured they will be first in line.

5) People like them make the world an ugly place.