In Love

Lots has happened since I last wrote. And no time to get into it all. I live full time with PB. We had our 1 year anniversary. Still trying to balance time with my old home and family. MA says I am torn apart trying to take care of two homes. I guess I am.
But it is worth it. I remember when I was so scared of not being with PB. Not knowing what was going on.
he gives me as much as he can. Still no I love you from him and i have no said it either. But I feel it so very deeply. I love this beautiful, very sweet man. I pray I can share the rest of my life with him. I still look at him and my heart stops.
As for him I think he feels very secure with me. Knowing he has a good woman who will take good care of him and treasure him.

What the gas pump said

Ok, here's the story behind the gas pump thing. Except for a very short time, my life has always been a mess. I mean my whole life from birth on. Sure alot of it was my parent's fault, but after age 23 when I finally moved out on my own, it was my own fault. I ended up in situations. Living from crisis to crisis.
Then back in '94, I was in the midst of just such a situation and I was filling up the car. Those messages that run across the LCD screen on the pump? usually they say thanks for filling up with crapo gas? It read, "If you want to escape your problems, then solve them."
I read it several times, and by the time I finished filling, then paid, the message had gone back to the regular message of try our great coffee or some kind of bullshit like that.
Now I know it sounds crazy, me in the middle of a crisis and the pump telling me what i needed to hear. Did it really read like that. Yes, it did. i know what i saw.
Now here, 15 years later, my life has been in crisis for a few years now. I have been following the gas pumps advice for about 8 months now. Solving the problems in my life, instead of simply trying to escape them.

The Being Happy Thing

Strange thoughts on a wild strange day. Its about 4:30 Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting on David's back porch, on the streened in side. Its pouring rain out side and I'm writing on the computer. David is inside napping. soon I'll wake him. We just back from the Smoke Out. Rode about 100 miles from Rockingham. Got hit by the rain once, a real downpour. Completely soaked. Nothing like a riding a hardtail chopper with a short rear fender in the rain. You just have to laugh. It cleared up a bit and we stopped and I changed into dry clothes. Made it the rest of the way with a a few sprinkles. Now its raining for the real, the raining like a mutherfucker all day long, kind of rain.
My editor has my book ready for me to review but it is Sunday and I no longer work on Sundays.
The Smoke Out was ok. Some people were jerks to me, others were unreal awesome nice. But I knew in advance some people were gonna be asses due to the ex.
Don'tknow what the week ahead will be like and don't really care. It's Sunday, my day off. I had to starr having real Sundays or I would have finished losing my mind.
Saw that Michael Jackson has skin cancer. The dude was the king back in the 80's, and a sick nightmare joke ever since.
Sabel Star died last month but that is a blog post all in itself. For another time. Last year I has just gotten back the Smoke Out. I had ridden about 200 hard miles on the chopper. I was beat but I had a hot date that I could not miss out on. I had been excited for days leading up to it. I mean I couldn't believe he was even gonna meet me for that date. I had not met him in person yet.
Now I'm gonna walk in the house and wake him up. We're gonna go for Chinese food at the same we ate a year ago. That Sunday night after the '08 Smoke Out changed my life. I am happy. Its ok to be happy.

Home?

1) I'm sitting on my bed, on the red fushia cotton sheets that feel so crisp. With my old patchwork quilt on the bed. With the headboard that MaryAnn and I found, that she wheeled and dealed for, and that we somehow got wrapped up and loaded into the truck in the pouring rain. So many stories behind the items around me. This is my home, my room. I never knew I could feel so unsecure here in my home. Bart was right. He sure was.
I feel safer at PB's. Its been 3 weeks atleast since I spent a night here.

2) I got nervous with PB again. He is getting tired of it and I have to stop. He is so good to me. Wonderful week with him. He is such a good man it seems. My hero in a white tank top with a bouquet of gardenias.

3)Wonderful dinner with the girls. They were so funny.

4)PB is pretty upset about the job. First it was the boy going away, now this.

5)I cleaned my closet tonight. Found all kinds of things that were lost. I'm bringing order to my life. I crave it - order. Being able to enjoy my life. PB is all about order. I like that about him.

6)I been running most mornings. It feels so good to run in the woods again. PB is worried I might get jumped. I'm being so careful.

7) I have simply decided to enjoy my life with him. I treasure that sweet incredible man. I am concerned he has me on a pedestal. I am so lucky to be with him and I tell him all time. I hope he is not too good to be true.

Morning at Heaven

Not much time to write. Peaceful mornings hiking on the trails. Haven't done that since 1994. Wonderful weekend with PB riding down to lake greenwood. I feel good about life in general. Good talk with PB Sunday night. I feel so much better. He was so beautiful holding me out there in the moonlight, pledging his devotion.
I think that was wonderful to him also. He texted me to that effect.
Jack is weird as usual. I think his pacience is running short. Not used to not getting what he wants.

I like my life. I like it better than I have in a long time. It feels so good. I am happy.
PB got sunburned yesterday. His body is still so incredible. Even with a burn.

What a month!!

PB and I went fishing in the rain yesterday. We had the lake all to ourselves. It was the first time we have fished together and the first time I have fished since 1986. We had a wonderful time. It reminded me of the time we wereout in the rain putting up the supports for the addition roof. I stood there in the rain with a flashlight while he screwed the supports in at 11 pm.
This past month was unrral. Kids, grandbabies, family, 8 puppies, then of course my usual fuckl;oad of winter work and of course a brutal deadline for daytona , oh and then there is the frickin book I am writing that is way behind deadline and my editor is having shitfits. I don't blame him one bit.
I would get up at 5am. Fix and pack PB's lunch, go to my house, fix and pack the ex's lunch and send him off to work, then I would work till 5pm, fedd puupies and take care of the dogs, make the ex's dinner, leave and go to PB's where I would clean up after the kids, make dinner, play with the baby, and then passout with PB. Then there was dealing with my friends, and trying to deal with the super drama bullshit that the kids were into.
It was the most intense 2 weeks of my life in a long time. And I loved every minute of it. Yeah I could have done with the fuckload of work.

I love my life with PB. Sometimes I think we are in love. I pretty much know I am in love with him. I don't know how how feels about me. Valantine's Day was not too happy. There were no I love yous, in fact I almost walked out the door.
I almost walked out the door again last weekend. He told me I have to stop this leaving stuff. He holds me alot. But doesn't talk to me. He just pulls me into him and holds me.
He is very shook up and upset about his boy being deployed to Iraq. It is on his mind constantly.
But the good news with us is I think he wants to stay with me for a long time. He, at times, talks about the long term. maybe he is admitting there will be one for us.
I just know that when I look at his face, my heart melts all over again. Something in those eyes.

Anyhow, 5 puppies left yesterday and 1 today. 2 more to go. It was so funny with them. Yesterday they all bounced and bounded across the floor. Now 6 of them have gone to their news homes. Now there are only 2 left. I think I found them good homes.

Now it is time to start my day...again. Got to drive to Atlanta tomorrow and then get back here cos I am meeting the ex wife. Long day. Long day everyday. So today, get the parts ready dor daytona, then work on the book. Of course there will be taking care of puppies and dogs, then going to PB's in the late afternoon .. oh shit that's right, I have to go over there there this morning and start the BBQ in the slow cooker! Then back here to work. Tonight I will be in my baby's arms, him wrapped around me as I fall asleep.
But that's my life. And I like it.
Now to lose this enourmous ass I have accumulated this winter.

quickies

And it is finally happening, the days are getting longer. It seemed just yesterday, it was dark shortly after 5pm and now it is 6 and the sky is filled with that reassuring glow. I guess its a big part of why I feel better. Those long dark days of winter, that weren't so dark but they were so unpleasantly quick. I relish these days. I made it through a winter with PB. God I love my life with him. It feels like a brand new life. Like the way life used to feel so very long ago.

This is the first year since 2000 that I have not been to a m/c trade show this weekend in Feb. It feels weird as everyone is there in Cinci. I guess Cinci is my favorite m/c event. Its quick. 2 1/2 days of very intense custom bike stuff. Most everyone and everything is there. See` the newest and network with everyone you need to.

Crazy weekend ahead with PB's family. Not as long as we hoped I am sad to say. He needs this.

Jack does not feel good. He is still sad. I wish he weren't.
There are no guarantees in anything I tell him. I care for him. I can't change what happened. many years of almost.