Reading my Old Posts From Dec 2008.

Wow. Its pretty amazing. First off I had no idea I had over 100 posts. So much in the future I did expect. Like to still be with PB. I had so many uncertainties in my life at that as so much was changing. The ex was suicidal. My business was in the toilet. PB still had not told me he loved me or given me a key to his house. I had no money. My dog was pregnant and I had no idea if she would be ok and if I'd be able to find homes for all the puppies. Would my brother still be an asshole. But some how I made it through all that. I would just tell myself that somehow it would be OK. And there were some pretty awful times ahead of me Which, had I known about, I would had given up completely.

But I did not give up.

PB did I tell me loved me almost a year later.
He did give me a key to his house, 2 months later with the comment it was not to keep permanently, but it was.
The ex did not kill himself. He is thriving.
My business went downhill for another two years before it improved.
All the puppies found homes.
My brother became a bigger asshole but I still love him.

Somehow I've made it this far. It's wild looking back.

2 am and Life is Flying By

I haven't posted in a while. I have no idea if anyone is still reading this blog, but if you are here's what's been happening. Last winter was hell. 2011 had some good moments and some pretty awful moments, but nothing even half as awful as 2010. God there were some moments, most of which were my own fault. Much of the time, those suicide inducing moments are a result of our own bad decisions. The hell of winter 2009 and 2010, my own fault. Both times, I took in jobs that I should have never even considered doing.

And my gut told me not to do them, but I took in the jobs anyway. I remember many early mornings in Jan 2010, waking up knowing that the work I had done the previous day was all for nothing, and there was no way the job could be done. I had tried to do the impossible. I was getting in deeper and deeper until I was drowning.

And here, almost 2 years later, life feels great because that hell is over.

So what is going on you ask? Here's a list of good and bad.
Good Things About 2011

1) PB and I are still together. We are both fatter but happy. I am on a diet sorta.
2) Business is better than in the last 3 years. Thank God.
3) I may be writing another book if my publisher doesn't lay off everyone in the company before they pay me my advance.
4)Most of my customers are pretty awesome. I need a break from the Satans on earth.
5) My stepsons and i get along better.
6) My grandson called me grandma. I love that cos I never thought it would happen.
7) Bought a kayak.
8) Excellent business trip to Vegas.
9) Life feels good. And I am loving that feeling.

And Now The Bad Things

1) I only rode 3 times this year. Riding into town and back doesn't count.
2) Did not ride the chopper at all this year.
3) Only went to the lake 3 times. But loved every minute of it kinda. See #4 below.
4) Got bit by a brown recluse spider in August when I finally went to the lake. Was sick for over a month.
5) Got poison ivy all over my arms. It last 2 months.
6) Got heat stroke and was sick for 6 weeks.
7) did not lose nearly as weight as I wanted.
8) My friend Martha is worse than ever. Crazy as bat shit and 100 times more mean.
9) The customer from hell did come into my life again. He reported me to the Better Business Bureau. He wrote them. Long letter full of lies. I wrote them back with the truth. The good news they sided with me. The bad news, my spotless record now has an entry where someone was unhappy. I hope nothing good happens to him. The man almost drove me to close my shop.

But right now I feel good, feel positive and hopeful. And that is a good feeling.

The Day After Hell

There's something about a rainy day. A timeless, mystical feel. You can sleep in all day. The sound of the rain on the roof, lulling you to rest, more so than sleeping pill. I had a good day yesterday, after a week of hell. Delivered a bike to a customer and he was quite pleased and it felt so good. Came home and watched a couple of movies, one of my old favorites was on. "The Thing" with Kurt Russell.
Last night was the first time in over a week that my head had not been pounding from a migraine.
And I am smiling and feeling positive and at peace. Without the aid of Zanax.

For the ladies who read my blog, I have been spending time at a different blog. One where I really kind of let loose. Its sorta fun and free spirited with women over the age of 40 in mind.
wordpress.com/
I think I'm gonna let the Zoey Dog out and see if the creek behind the house is filling up. Gonna stand in front of the picture window in the shop and soak in the view of the gorgeous woods behind the shop. I get off on things like that. Peace, quiet, natural beauty, the sounds of life. Its what I live for. What makes life worth all the hassles we go through in our daily lives. Hopefully it will stop raining later today and I can sneak in an hour or two of kayaking as it will be pretty cool with the water so high from the rain.

I don't like Hell. I don't want to go back there.

Hell

Living in hell doesn;t leave much time for blogging. And hell is where I have been. Oh sure there's been nice days, where the sun tries to break thru, but alas it doesn't last and the dark cloud covers my world.
But my dark cloud has a name. I wonlt share it here but I will say he is a bully. Bullies are everywhere. They could be your spouse, a family member, a nasty neighbor, a co worker, a boss or in case, client or customer.
To make matters worse, he is a bi polar bully. he made my life hell on and off since mid Nov. It got so bad, I could not longer even look at his emails or answer his calls. PB had to take over any contact with him.
I cannot count the pounding, nausiating migrains this sicko has caused me. The hour long phone calls over ridiculous things. The fights it caused me with PB. PB says i have not been myself for the past 2 months. That I have become this negative dark creature.
But yesterday I sent off the whacko's project. But not without another migraine. After dropping off the packages at UPS at 6:30 pm, I puked next to my truck. It was that bad. The migraine was at a mindpounding peak. PB and I then drove to KFC, got some food to go, then we went home and I popped 2 Zanax and knocked myself out. PB was acting very cold and distant, not like him at all. I wondered how the hell this bully had totally taken over my life.
Like a vampire I had allowed him to suck all the good out of my life.
But I pray he just leaves me alone.

In fact I do not want to waste another moment even thinking about it.

Across 110th Street

Tonight was one of the most incredible nights of my life. No, I did not win the lottery. Didn't meet the handsome guy of my dreams. I already got that. It actually was a very simple night out with my 6yr old godson. We went for a date night in our little town. And unbeknow to me, it was a special night in town complete with the first night of Christmas lights, all the shops were open, carriage rides, music. The little historic downtown was full of lights and people.
And every Friday night, the kids dance on the corner of the main intersection of town, playing classic 70s and 80s dance music. So the kid and I totally enjoyed our selves. We rode in the carriage, and danced on one of the platforms that surrounds one of the huge trees wrapped in Christmas lights. I felt totally uninhibited, dancing to soul music I danced to 35 years ago.
For one night I had no worries. No stresses from my business. No worrying about anyone's health. No worrying about being hurt by a man. A golden moment in life. My own treasure.
Then on the way home, we're riding in my truck, all quiet. No one is talking. Just riding along on the dark roads.
And the kid says from the back seat, " Its so nice, we have our own little world."

Yes, it sure it nice.

And its many miles away from where I came from. That's where the 110th Street reference comes in. Its a Bobby Womack song from the 70's. Its about surviving hard a life and getting to a better place. Whenever I hear that song it brings tears to my eyes. I think of how hard and hopeless all those years seemed. Always fighting to survive. And all the times, I did not think I would.

"Been down so long, getting up didn't cross my mind,
I knew there was a better way of life that I was just trying to find.
You don't know what you'll do until you're put under pressure,
Across 110th Street is a hell of a tester."

Yes, it sure is nice in our little glowing world.

Is Life Fair?

Not in this country, that's for sure. I just read an article about most of our "leaders" in Congrss being millionares. Yeah, like they lose sleep if we lose our homes. They don't care, not one bit.

Ok, got that bit of ranting out of the way. Life has been busy here. Our trip to Vegas was incredible. If I had not gotten food poisoning, it would have been perfect. Reguardless, I am very happy and content.
The shop is busy. We are all in good health. And the winter has been warm so far. I was thinking about my life, and how this fall compares to others. Like the Thanksgiving 6 years ago, when Martha's dad was dying, and my brother was threatening to burn down the house as he was fueding with his wife. But somehow through all those dark clouds, I managed to see the sun. And all ended well.
And that is my gift, I guess. I always try and see past the darkness.

And there is always darkness. You just have to savor the sun that shines in between.

So I am savoring these precious moments.

There is news on the Martha front lines. And life with my brother is always a drama. And much is going on for my shop. I spent the past 2 hours paying bills, and now I have to go over the ex's and help him register for Social Security and the VA.
When will I actually spend time working today? Who knows?
All I know is that I feel good. I'm not letting the greedhogs that run our country get me down. That's what I love about where we live. Shut out the world forget how ugly it can be when greed runs amuck.

Have a great holiday.

The Imperfect Life

A quickie post, spent the weekend at the lake. One of my best buddies came down to spend the weekend with her boyfriend. The weather was incredible. It was one of those golden times that you always reminisce about and treasure forever.
Visual images were amazing. Golden rays of the afternoon sun shining through the trees bathed in their fall colors of red and gold.
The purple sunset tones reflecting on the waters of the lake. I got to take out my rowing skull boat 5 times. Then between that and hiking up and down the bluff putting everything away that was out on the dock, my legs felt great.
No weight lost yet, but man do I feel good. Healthy.

And as some of you here know I have a small bike shop. And there was a small issue the came up last week. No one likes problems, but I tend to take things too close to heart and let it eat at me until I'm a wreck.
This morning, things got much better. And I feel good. PB did alot of work to the shop last week. He finished the insulation and then installed drywall on all the walls. No time right now for taping and mudding. The walls will stay as is for the next 4 weeks. The place looks much improved!

Lesson for the week? Life is short. Time passes by too quickly. So live it and enjoy the times in between the awful things that happen. Yeah, no getting away from the awful. It will always be there lurking. So plan for the future, learn from the past, but do not live in these place. Live in the here and now. Enjoy what you have, where you are, life is never perfect. Do not waste time waiting for perfect.
As for me, I'm going outside to the shop to work. My life is always crazy chaos. Someday I hope to live at the lake. It is my golden place.

The Sunday Stillness

Sundays are still days. days when there's a quiet feeling, people are sleeping in late, reading the paper, having a peaceful morning. That's the way it should be. I get to the point where I avoid leaving the sanctity of my little world here on the cul de sac.
In being tired of being fat, I have started riding my bicycle in the morning. I started a week ago while in Minneapolis. I rented a bike there and rode along the Mississipi River. It was nothing short of one of those sweet moments in life. Afternoons I take my german shephard on a 3 mile hike.
PB has been doing some work on the shop. Installed a picture window in the back wall tht looks over the woods. he brought that window home over a year ago. Little by little our life comes together.

Its not easy. Nothing is easy.

But I am happy. I have alot of work to do today. As for tomorrow? Someone once told me, 'tomorrow is promised to noone.' At the time, I did not like hearing that. But today, I guess I have what satisfies my soul. The phrase no longer bothers me.

My soul is at peace. Now I have to work to keep it that way, keep that elusive balance. I can't go back to the hell days.

Envy and the Diamond Ring

As I sit here typing it's a lazy Saturday afternoon. There's this gorgeous handsome man napping on the couch beside me. We were gonna go up to the lake, but fate played a hand yesterday and instead of fighting fate, I went with the flow. And to see what we missed up at the lake, go back my blog entries for last year, and see pics of our lake place.
I've become very contemplative at age 50. The rush of youth is over and I crave the slow steady flow of life. Rushing about from place to place is a hassle I do everything to avoid. But on my left hand is a diamond and gold ring. It has 5 stones, maybe 2 cts total weight. For many years I admired it on the hand of my former best friend Martha. I used to see that ring and think what a great life she had. In fact, I aways envied her and her life. From the time we were in 9th grade. She was always the pretty one, she had that "look." Clothes looked better on her than me. She had a flair, a sense of style and attitude. And she married a guy who could keep her in a stylish lifestyle. While I moved around place to place like a biker gypsy, she was living in an expansive home in a peaceful suburb. She always drove new, upscale cars. They took luxurious vacations, from skiing in Vail and Utah, to tropical paradise locations like the Bahamas and Aruba. She never wanted for anything, she would drop $300-400 a week at the grocery store and not think twice. While I was counting every penny keeping my grocery bill below $80 a week.
A few times a year I would go visit her, taking a break from my white trash world to visit Planet Posh. A place where everyone paid their bills on time and no expense was ever spared.
We would play cards and her sparkling ring would catch my eye, memorizing me. I would sit there and silently wish it were mine.
Then she decided to get divorced and suddenly she had to deal with money issues. With over $20,000 in credit card she needed cash, so she offered the ring to me for $1000. "You have been staring at this thing for 20 years, so you may as well have it," she said.
Suddenly the symbol of what I had always envied was mine. Her life changed dramatically after the divorce. She got the almost paid for house, the latest luxury car, the furniture, enough cash to pay off her credit cards, and a nice chunk of change every month of child support.
Then her parents died and she got even more money, almost $200,000.
But it wasn't enough. 5 years after the divorce and 2 years after the inheritance, she is $40,000 in credit card debt. She pretty much lives alone in that house, that house that used to be safe haven from the trouble of my nightmare existence. A house that has become a nightmare to live in at all. She spends every waking moment reliving painful moments in her past. Drudging up all those bad memories and going over them over and over and over. She has a hard time functioning, every surface of her once luxurious home is cluttered with items she can't stop buying.
As if buying more things will somehow bring her happiness. She rants and raves hysterically, goes into irrational crying jags about things that happened years ago. She takes out her anger on anyone still in her life, her children and her ex.
She recently demanded that her ex take her back and remarry her. She has complained for years about the abuse he heaped on her, and now she wants him back?
She no even resembles the Martha I knew. When she quiets down she still has the old charm, the physical beauty is still there, but its all very twisted.

And for the first time since 1975, I am no longer envious of what she has. I luxuriate in my own life, however humble it is.

As for the ring, it is where it belongs, on my finger. She never appreciated it. I don't she ever appreciated much of what she had. I don't she ever will. And that is something I could never envy. Life is a mysterious gift, in whatever capacity you know it to be.

And now I'll go out into the shop and work. I'll enjoy my little shop in the woods, my beautiful man, my humble little life.

The Black Stallion

Lots has happened since I wrote last. I spent two luxurious weekends at the lake cabin. Did a bunch of rowing. Seeing life on the lake. The fancy houses. What it must be like to live in them. So many of them empty most of the time. But even tho our cabin is more of a shack, its so hard to leave after a weekend. PB feels the same. WE`want to live there. Thats the plan.

My former friend Martha is completely out of control. Hurting her family in selfish ways that are beyond cruel. Cruel, narcissistic, nihilistic.

Sitting here watching the Black Stallion. I went to the movies in 1979 to see it. It was one of my favorite books from childhood. And the movie lived up to the book. Incredibly beautiful. The book takes place about 1940. 40 years before the movie was made. Hard to believe the movie was made 31 years ago. I was 19 yrs old. At the time I had no idea how young I was.

Who Gives a Flying F%@% about Tommy Hifiger?

One of the bigest problems with our society is nothing is ever enough. We as a society can't get enough of the lifestyles of the rich. We live vivariously through them. I'm not exception, or at least I was not. Was being the operative word. There's no escape from it. On Yahoo's main page the top story was Tomy Hilfger's new home. I did not click on it, cos I don't care.
What am I concerned with today? Nothing. My mind was free. I relaxed in the morning, cuddled with PB, watched Romancing the Stone. Then put in a few hours working in the shop. And now this afternoon, I cleaned the kitchen and made chicken cordon blu with marinated tomatoes from the garden. As I cooked I watched "The Russians are Coming," an old movie from 1964.

The simple life. Not wanting more. Just happy and very thankful for what I have. A home, a wonderful man, sweet children in my life like my stepson and my 2 godsons. Living for the now. Happy in the moment.

So many years spent wanting more. We live from want to want. Not me. Not anymore.

Ah the Rollercoaster!

This time yesterday I was luxuriating in the thankfulness that my shop has a somewhat healthy workload. A miracle in this dismal economy. My head was free from the cloud of stess and worry for the first time in years.
Then today PB comes home from work and annouces he's been laid off again. 3 times in 1 year. Sure he'll be able to help me and hopefully he'll get called back to work before too long. There's no plumbing jobs out there. The pickins are mightly slim. So again I need to try and build my business up enough to support two people.

I'm not feeling awful or anything. I'll be fine. Its just the up and down of the rollercoaster. Nope don't like it. Life's challenges? Nope, I've had enough challenges, enough for several lifetimes. Smooth routines, no bad surprises. That's what I need.

A Better Sunday

It was the first normal sort of Sunday in many months. There was no ovewhelming feeling of tension weighing down, crushing my spirit. I was cooking in the kithen, watching the movie, "Country." Its about the farming crisis of the 80s'.
The veggies from the garden have been piling up. The poor garden has been so neglected for the past month. Weeks of being in the shop from 7am to 9 pm, so beat by 9pm, thatbythe time I clean the shop and come inside, there's nothing left. I barely cooked meals. The house began to get that cluttered, untidy effect.
But startng this week my work schedule is getting more managable. And that has made all the difference.
I picked a bunch of sweet banana peppers, cabano and anahiam peppers, a zuccinni, a boatload of tomatoes. I sauteeded them up. Then pounded some chicken breast flat, and rolled them up with ham and swiss cheese, dipped in milk and rolled in seasoned bread cumbs and baked that for 30 minutes. had some tomatoes and cucumbers marinating in salad dressing.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Than PB and I sat down at the table and had Sunday dinner for the first time in over a month. yeah, when we have his son, we have dinner at the table, but not that much.
It all felt good after so many months of stress. The stress was tearing me up, beating me down.
I think of a friend of mine, who is getting ready for a trade show in a few weeks. I know all too well how hard that will be when you wait until the last minute to get ready. Trying to accomplish several months worth of work in 3 weeks. It is something that feels like pure hell.
I was thinking how awful it would feel to be in that posistion. It made me feel so good to be where I am. Sure I won;t be at the show and I'll miss the networking an excitement, but hell, it feels great to not have that brutal weight hanging over me.
I had lunch with my nieces last Friday. It was a simple thing, go to their new apartment and them go to lunch at Red Robin. Then we went back to their place and talked
and laughed.
And it felt wonderful. For the first time in a long time, the stress of work was not crushing me constantly.

As for my personal life, it has been wonderful lately. PB has been so sweet and supportive.
But sitting here on a lazy Sunday, life feels worth living.

Not sure

Not sure how to feel about my personal life. Too many questions. Trust is a hard thing when you have a past like mine. So much betrayal. I wonder if total trust will ever be possible.
I have a friend like me, how she gets through it all, I don't know. She too is a giver but somehow is not as sensitive as me.
But now is not the time for getting lost in it. I have too much to lose as far as business goes. Bills must be paid. I have to take care of myself. No one there to do it for me. No one to fall back on. There never has been, not really. No parents, no family.
Most people I know, like Martha, always have someone, she has her ex hes always is there to bail her out.
I just have to keep going, keep strong, and somehow, things will work out one way or another.

Suddenly it was June!

June 2010. How did that happen? Not too long ago it was Jan and I was in hell. Now its hot as hell. Happy father's day to all the dads out there. And men who are dads to kitties and puppies they count as dads. Got to get in the shop so here's some quick news
1) I'm almost caught up in my work and its great feeling. 2 more days and I should be there.
2) PB and I had a very bad week. The stress levels of the past year and our reactions to them resulted in some behavoir that was less than ideal. Nothing super bad, but we almost broke up. I tried to leave. Even had the cat packed up in her carrier. But he talked me into staying. We both had alot to think about, both he and i had to be very honest about ourselves. And that is not ever an easy thing to do. That was 2 weeks ago. The end result? We both realized what we have is something to treasure and never lose. Something to embrace. I have to learn not to let the stress from my work injure our relationship.
3) PB's younger son and I are bonding so well. I love that kid. We bought him a little dirt bike for his 12th birthday. Weren't sure if he's like it as he hates motorcycles. He got on it and ran it right into PB's jeep. But like a trooper, he got back on it and has been riding it like a clever madman ever since. He tries not to ride beyond his abilities which are improving all the time.
One of things that made me very depressed over the last 10 years was not having a child of my own. This boy is the closest I will ever come. So it means the world when he hugs me.
4) And big news, I stood up to PB's ex. Instead of "hiding" at a school event, (which I do so she won't give PB any crap) I stood tall and proud. her son hugged me twice in front of her. She looked small, dumpy and wearing a cheap ill fitting shirt that looked awful when it was new.
and 5) PB and I are going to San Franciso next weekend for his family reunion. His dad is flying us out. I've never been there. Plus Tuesday is our 2 yr anniversary. 2 years of cuddling, hugs, kisses, and unbelievable emotional support from the handsomest man to ever walk the earth. No one in my life has ever been so good for me. He's my world.

The Scare

The dr's office was trying to get a hold my ex yesterday at 7:30 am. Jack's dr wanted him to come in to redo a blood test immediately. Said his pottassium levels were too high.
So I look it up and find out that high P levels are a sign of an impending massive heart attack. Another sign, being tired and feeling poorly. Jack had felt tired and poorly. Yikes.
But it could be the blood test was wrong, if they draw the blood too quickly it can give a false high as the red blood cells can be distorted. I guess it happens alot.
I was a mess until they called Jack back after the new test.

The new results were fine. The being tired was cos Jack is taking malaria meds for tick bites.
If it was been a true high P level, then Jack would have been in the hospital and I would be there with him and it would have turned into one of those horrible weekends of waiting, praying and hoping desperately for things to go right. A feeling I know all too well.

Nothing like staring despair and desperation in the face and then shut the door on it. A wonderful feeling.
Life moves on.

A Quickie

The weeks seem to go by faster and faster. Last weekend was a wonderful escape from my usual world. Camping next to a stream with good friends. The kind of thing that makes life worth all the painful stuff we have to go through.
I'm glad I got away. I really needed it. I couldn't see things clearly. I did not have the kind of energy I need to get things accomplished that need to be done and finished.
Granted the weekend activities beat me up a bit, but somehow today I am seeing things clearly, what I need to do. Took out my clipboard for the first time in weeks and starting listing things that need done.
As it is memorial Day weekend, I cannot help but think of last year when Martha thought I should spend the weekend with her as PB had to work the race. Of course she did not tell me but just suggested and hoped I'd come and then blew a major gasket when I stayed home. Time flies no matter what and it feels good to put her drama behind me.
And on another note, age 50 is not being kind to me. Ok guys, you can stop reading now as the following is women stuff. The M Word has invaded my world. In a word or 3, not fun. The hot flash stuff is pretty awful. But I am toughing it out. Not complaining, trying to not turn up the ac too much.
So I am thinking I have too much body fat, that's why I am suffering so much with this "M" stuff. I have got to get in shape. So in my usual poor financial judgement (why stop now? Why not keep blowing money I have so much experience at it) I am buying a rowing shell. Its used. Now sure i could keep riding my mt bike, but after hell, 17 or 18 years of it, I am bored with it. I find excuses not to bike. meanwhile my body is going to hell or atleast looks like it is.
So instead of spending the money on something smart, I'm spending it on me. Its not alot, but enough to give me pause.
Ok, back to work I go. I've got alot to catch up with workwise. Meanwhile I dream of lazy weekends at the lake, reading or rowing. With no work related things on my mind. So lets see how soon I get there.

Green Days

There's alot of scary stuff going down in the world. Some sick stuff like the US coming in at 28th in the world for the best place to be a mother. The number one determing factor was how crappy moms get treated in this country by their employers and health insurnace providers. I don't know what worse for this country, if the working class isn't getting terrorized by terrorists, they're getting screwed over by corporate greed. Sad realities for a country founded on freedom. Yeah, freedom for who? Not for the average american who works their ass off surviving only to pay most of their check to one insurance company after another. Car insurnace, health insurnace, life insurnace, home, flood, and on and on.
Ok that rant is over and here's my point, the average person can't do a thing about any of it. I just read a story that 44% of Congress are millionaires. You think they actually care about the people who have helped make them rich? Nope. So why worry?
I'm not gonna. I've spent half my life worrying about one thing after another.

I need a break for this next half. PB and I spent last weekend at the lake. We were only gonna go up for one night and ended up spending 2 nights. No tv, no internet, and our place has a very isolated feel as there are thick woods on each side and it insulates us from the neighbors. We sat in the gazebo over the water and watched life happen around us on the lake. The geese were having a battle with our dog over the dock. The ducks were chasing each other around over the water. PB tried to catch fish but Zoey tried helping too much and scared most of the fish away. I couldn't stop laughing, she was so funny.
But it was 2 days of heaven. Its so easy to shut everything out when I am there. Then there are these big incredible houses I row past on the water and people are seldom in them. Mansions that only get used once in a while.
Am I wrong to not want to know whats going on? I've spent so much of my life in pain and heartache. I don't want to know more of the ugly things that happen around me. I'm tired. Really tired of a life, in which so much time was spent being sad and scared. Tired of fighting. Of struggling to survive.
When I'm not working my ass in the shop and dealing with the pleasuredome of self employment, I want to relax and work in my garden. I want to cuddle with PB and watch movies. I want to sit on the bluff at our lake place and cook meals over an open fire, then go and row or swim around the lake. I want to ride our motorcycles with friends. I want to shut out the greedheads and the nut jobs and enjoy what life I have left in the world.

A View from the Compound

Wonderful dreamy weekend with PB and his younger son Brad. PB hung some of my artwork up on the walls. And my Road warrior poster. I rode bicycles with Brad . We planted the veggie garden and cleaned up the house. I sat there and watched the one of brad's favorite shows. he really wanted me to share something with him, like watching that show.
The whole weekend just had this dreamlike quality to it.

And now it is Monday and of course not everything is going smooth. Glitch city sometimes. But I don't have that feeling of everything caving down on me. The feeling that was driving me under this winter.

Last year I had a chance to get a bunch of work, and I went for it. It would have required lots of brutal long hours. Of course the money would have been incredible. But in the end I glad I did not get the work. It would have burnt me out.

So here I sit, work in the shop, dealing with the downside of having your own shop. But life feels good. I'm finally getting used to being happy.
PB has changed my life and I treasure the life we share.

Feeling Better Again.

There was a dark time in January when I felt I would never feel good again. I completely blew it on a high profile project. I mean bad. And the stress level has been up ever since. The only thing that kept me going was my beautiful PonyBoy and fantasizing about summer weekends at the lake with him.

And last week I finally cracked. I had reached my limit. I was done, toast. Puking my way through a trade show last weekend. My tummy in knots. But it seems I have finally dialed down from all that stress.

I still am having problems eating but maybe I'll lose that 15 lbs I gained as I ate my way through the winter.

Ok out into the shop I'll go. PB will be home from work soon. He'll work with me for a while, then we'll eat pizza. Tonight I get to cuddle in bed with the sweetest, sexiest man on the planet, ( and yes I honestly feel that way.)