Reading my Old Posts From Dec 2008.

Wow. Its pretty amazing. First off I had no idea I had over 100 posts. So much in the future I did expect. Like to still be with PB. I had so many uncertainties in my life at that as so much was changing. The ex was suicidal. My business was in the toilet. PB still had not told me he loved me or given me a key to his house. I had no money. My dog was pregnant and I had no idea if she would be ok and if I'd be able to find homes for all the puppies. Would my brother still be an asshole. But some how I made it through all that. I would just tell myself that somehow it would be OK. And there were some pretty awful times ahead of me Which, had I known about, I would had given up completely.

But I did not give up.

PB did I tell me loved me almost a year later.
He did give me a key to his house, 2 months later with the comment it was not to keep permanently, but it was.
The ex did not kill himself. He is thriving.
My business went downhill for another two years before it improved.
All the puppies found homes.
My brother became a bigger asshole but I still love him.

Somehow I've made it this far. It's wild looking back.

2 am and Life is Flying By

I haven't posted in a while. I have no idea if anyone is still reading this blog, but if you are here's what's been happening. Last winter was hell. 2011 had some good moments and some pretty awful moments, but nothing even half as awful as 2010. God there were some moments, most of which were my own fault. Much of the time, those suicide inducing moments are a result of our own bad decisions. The hell of winter 2009 and 2010, my own fault. Both times, I took in jobs that I should have never even considered doing.

And my gut told me not to do them, but I took in the jobs anyway. I remember many early mornings in Jan 2010, waking up knowing that the work I had done the previous day was all for nothing, and there was no way the job could be done. I had tried to do the impossible. I was getting in deeper and deeper until I was drowning.

And here, almost 2 years later, life feels great because that hell is over.

So what is going on you ask? Here's a list of good and bad.
Good Things About 2011

1) PB and I are still together. We are both fatter but happy. I am on a diet sorta.
2) Business is better than in the last 3 years. Thank God.
3) I may be writing another book if my publisher doesn't lay off everyone in the company before they pay me my advance.
4)Most of my customers are pretty awesome. I need a break from the Satans on earth.
5) My stepsons and i get along better.
6) My grandson called me grandma. I love that cos I never thought it would happen.
7) Bought a kayak.
8) Excellent business trip to Vegas.
9) Life feels good. And I am loving that feeling.

And Now The Bad Things

1) I only rode 3 times this year. Riding into town and back doesn't count.
2) Did not ride the chopper at all this year.
3) Only went to the lake 3 times. But loved every minute of it kinda. See #4 below.
4) Got bit by a brown recluse spider in August when I finally went to the lake. Was sick for over a month.
5) Got poison ivy all over my arms. It last 2 months.
6) Got heat stroke and was sick for 6 weeks.
7) did not lose nearly as weight as I wanted.
8) My friend Martha is worse than ever. Crazy as bat shit and 100 times more mean.
9) The customer from hell did come into my life again. He reported me to the Better Business Bureau. He wrote them. Long letter full of lies. I wrote them back with the truth. The good news they sided with me. The bad news, my spotless record now has an entry where someone was unhappy. I hope nothing good happens to him. The man almost drove me to close my shop.

But right now I feel good, feel positive and hopeful. And that is a good feeling.

The Day After Hell

There's something about a rainy day. A timeless, mystical feel. You can sleep in all day. The sound of the rain on the roof, lulling you to rest, more so than sleeping pill. I had a good day yesterday, after a week of hell. Delivered a bike to a customer and he was quite pleased and it felt so good. Came home and watched a couple of movies, one of my old favorites was on. "The Thing" with Kurt Russell.
Last night was the first time in over a week that my head had not been pounding from a migraine.
And I am smiling and feeling positive and at peace. Without the aid of Zanax.

For the ladies who read my blog, I have been spending time at a different blog. One where I really kind of let loose. Its sorta fun and free spirited with women over the age of 40 in mind.
wordpress.com/
I think I'm gonna let the Zoey Dog out and see if the creek behind the house is filling up. Gonna stand in front of the picture window in the shop and soak in the view of the gorgeous woods behind the shop. I get off on things like that. Peace, quiet, natural beauty, the sounds of life. Its what I live for. What makes life worth all the hassles we go through in our daily lives. Hopefully it will stop raining later today and I can sneak in an hour or two of kayaking as it will be pretty cool with the water so high from the rain.

I don't like Hell. I don't want to go back there.

Hell

Living in hell doesn;t leave much time for blogging. And hell is where I have been. Oh sure there's been nice days, where the sun tries to break thru, but alas it doesn't last and the dark cloud covers my world.
But my dark cloud has a name. I wonlt share it here but I will say he is a bully. Bullies are everywhere. They could be your spouse, a family member, a nasty neighbor, a co worker, a boss or in case, client or customer.
To make matters worse, he is a bi polar bully. he made my life hell on and off since mid Nov. It got so bad, I could not longer even look at his emails or answer his calls. PB had to take over any contact with him.
I cannot count the pounding, nausiating migrains this sicko has caused me. The hour long phone calls over ridiculous things. The fights it caused me with PB. PB says i have not been myself for the past 2 months. That I have become this negative dark creature.
But yesterday I sent off the whacko's project. But not without another migraine. After dropping off the packages at UPS at 6:30 pm, I puked next to my truck. It was that bad. The migraine was at a mindpounding peak. PB and I then drove to KFC, got some food to go, then we went home and I popped 2 Zanax and knocked myself out. PB was acting very cold and distant, not like him at all. I wondered how the hell this bully had totally taken over my life.
Like a vampire I had allowed him to suck all the good out of my life.
But I pray he just leaves me alone.

In fact I do not want to waste another moment even thinking about it.

Across 110th Street

Tonight was one of the most incredible nights of my life. No, I did not win the lottery. Didn't meet the handsome guy of my dreams. I already got that. It actually was a very simple night out with my 6yr old godson. We went for a date night in our little town. And unbeknow to me, it was a special night in town complete with the first night of Christmas lights, all the shops were open, carriage rides, music. The little historic downtown was full of lights and people.
And every Friday night, the kids dance on the corner of the main intersection of town, playing classic 70s and 80s dance music. So the kid and I totally enjoyed our selves. We rode in the carriage, and danced on one of the platforms that surrounds one of the huge trees wrapped in Christmas lights. I felt totally uninhibited, dancing to soul music I danced to 35 years ago.
For one night I had no worries. No stresses from my business. No worrying about anyone's health. No worrying about being hurt by a man. A golden moment in life. My own treasure.
Then on the way home, we're riding in my truck, all quiet. No one is talking. Just riding along on the dark roads.
And the kid says from the back seat, " Its so nice, we have our own little world."

Yes, it sure it nice.

And its many miles away from where I came from. That's where the 110th Street reference comes in. Its a Bobby Womack song from the 70's. Its about surviving hard a life and getting to a better place. Whenever I hear that song it brings tears to my eyes. I think of how hard and hopeless all those years seemed. Always fighting to survive. And all the times, I did not think I would.

"Been down so long, getting up didn't cross my mind,
I knew there was a better way of life that I was just trying to find.
You don't know what you'll do until you're put under pressure,
Across 110th Street is a hell of a tester."

Yes, it sure is nice in our little glowing world.

Is Life Fair?

Not in this country, that's for sure. I just read an article about most of our "leaders" in Congrss being millionares. Yeah, like they lose sleep if we lose our homes. They don't care, not one bit.

Ok, got that bit of ranting out of the way. Life has been busy here. Our trip to Vegas was incredible. If I had not gotten food poisoning, it would have been perfect. Reguardless, I am very happy and content.
The shop is busy. We are all in good health. And the winter has been warm so far. I was thinking about my life, and how this fall compares to others. Like the Thanksgiving 6 years ago, when Martha's dad was dying, and my brother was threatening to burn down the house as he was fueding with his wife. But somehow through all those dark clouds, I managed to see the sun. And all ended well.
And that is my gift, I guess. I always try and see past the darkness.

And there is always darkness. You just have to savor the sun that shines in between.

So I am savoring these precious moments.

There is news on the Martha front lines. And life with my brother is always a drama. And much is going on for my shop. I spent the past 2 hours paying bills, and now I have to go over the ex's and help him register for Social Security and the VA.
When will I actually spend time working today? Who knows?
All I know is that I feel good. I'm not letting the greedhogs that run our country get me down. That's what I love about where we live. Shut out the world forget how ugly it can be when greed runs amuck.

Have a great holiday.

The Imperfect Life

A quickie post, spent the weekend at the lake. One of my best buddies came down to spend the weekend with her boyfriend. The weather was incredible. It was one of those golden times that you always reminisce about and treasure forever.
Visual images were amazing. Golden rays of the afternoon sun shining through the trees bathed in their fall colors of red and gold.
The purple sunset tones reflecting on the waters of the lake. I got to take out my rowing skull boat 5 times. Then between that and hiking up and down the bluff putting everything away that was out on the dock, my legs felt great.
No weight lost yet, but man do I feel good. Healthy.

And as some of you here know I have a small bike shop. And there was a small issue the came up last week. No one likes problems, but I tend to take things too close to heart and let it eat at me until I'm a wreck.
This morning, things got much better. And I feel good. PB did alot of work to the shop last week. He finished the insulation and then installed drywall on all the walls. No time right now for taping and mudding. The walls will stay as is for the next 4 weeks. The place looks much improved!

Lesson for the week? Life is short. Time passes by too quickly. So live it and enjoy the times in between the awful things that happen. Yeah, no getting away from the awful. It will always be there lurking. So plan for the future, learn from the past, but do not live in these place. Live in the here and now. Enjoy what you have, where you are, life is never perfect. Do not waste time waiting for perfect.
As for me, I'm going outside to the shop to work. My life is always crazy chaos. Someday I hope to live at the lake. It is my golden place.