A Pony Girl World

Reading my Old Posts From Dec 2008.

2011-12-24T05:20:00.000-08:00

Wow. Its pretty amazing. First off I had no idea I had over 100 posts. So much in the future I did expect. Like to still be with PB. I had so many uncertainties in my life at that as so much was changing. The ex was suicidal. My business was in the toilet. PB still had not told me he loved me or given me a key to his house. I had no money. My dog was pregnant and I had no idea if she would be ok and if I'd be able to find homes for all the puppies. Would my brother still be an asshole. But some how I made it through all that. I would just tell myself that somehow it would be OK. And there were some pretty awful times ahead of me Which, had I known about, I would had given up completely.

But I did not give up.

PB did I tell me loved me almost a year later.
He did give me a key to his house, 2 months later with the comment it was not to keep permanently, but it was.
The ex did not kill himself. He is thriving.
My business went downhill for another two years before it improved.
All the puppies found homes.
My brother became a bigger asshole but I still love him.

Somehow I've made it this far. It's wild looking back.

2 am and Life is Flying By

2011-12-23T22:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while. I have no idea if anyone is still reading this blog, but if you are here's what's been happening. Last winter was hell. 2011 had some good moments and some pretty awful moments, but nothing even half as awful as 2010. God there were some moments, most of which were my own fault. Much of the time, those suicide inducing moments are a result of our own bad decisions. The hell of winter 2009 and 2010, my own fault. Both times, I took in jobs that I should have never even considered doing.

And my gut told me not to do them, but I took in the jobs anyway. I remember many early mornings in Jan 2010, waking up knowing that the work I had done the previous day was all for nothing, and there was no way the job could be done. I had tried to do the impossible. I was getting in deeper and deeper until I was drowning.

And here, almost 2 years later, life feels great because that hell is over.

So what is going on you ask? Here's a list of good and bad.
Good Things About 2011

1) PB and I are still together. We are both fatter but happy. I am on a diet sorta.
2) Business is better than in the last 3 years. Thank God.
3) I may be writing another book if my publisher doesn't lay off everyone in the company before they pay me my advance.
4)Most of my customers are pretty awesome. I need a break from the Satans on earth.
5) My stepsons and i get along better.
6) My grandson called me grandma. I love that cos I never thought it would happen.
7) Bought a kayak.
8) Excellent business trip to Vegas.
9) Life feels good. And I am loving that feeling.

And Now The Bad Things

1) I only rode 3 times this year. Riding into town and back doesn't count.
2) Did not ride the chopper at all this year.
3) Only went to the lake 3 times. But loved every minute of it kinda. See #4 below.
4) Got bit by a brown recluse spider in August when I finally went to the lake. Was sick for over a month.
5) Got poison ivy all over my arms. It last 2 months.
6) Got heat stroke and was sick for 6 weeks.
7) did not lose nearly as weight as I wanted.
8) My friend Martha is worse than ever. Crazy as bat shit and 100 times more mean.
9) The customer from hell did come into my life again. He reported me to the Better Business Bureau. He wrote them. Long letter full of lies. I wrote them back with the truth. The good news they sided with me. The bad news, my spotless record now has an entry where someone was unhappy. I hope nothing good happens to him. The man almost drove me to close my shop.

But right now I feel good, feel positive and hopeful. And that is a good feeling.

The Day After Hell

2011-03-06T06:33:00.000-08:00

There's something about a rainy day. A timeless, mystical feel. You can sleep in all day. The sound of the rain on the roof, lulling you to rest, more so than sleeping pill. I had a good day yesterday, after a week of hell. Delivered a bike to a customer and he was quite pleased and it felt so good. Came home and watched a couple of movies, one of my old favorites was on. "The Thing" with Kurt Russell.
Last night was the first time in over a week that my head had not been pounding from a migraine.
And I am smiling and feeling positive and at peace. Without the aid of Zanax.

For the ladies who read my blog, I have been spending time at a different blog. One where I really kind of let loose. Its sorta fun and free spirited with women over the age of 40 in mind.
wordpress.com/
I think I'm gonna let the Zoey Dog out and see if the creek behind the house is filling up. Gonna stand in front of the picture window in the shop and soak in the view of the gorgeous woods behind the shop. I get off on things like that. Peace, quiet, natural beauty, the sounds of life. Its what I live for. What makes life worth all the hassles we go through in our daily lives. Hopefully it will stop raining later today and I can sneak in an hour or two of kayaking as it will be pretty cool with the water so high from the rain.

I don't like Hell. I don't want to go back there.

Hell

2011-03-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

Living in hell doesn;t leave much time for blogging. And hell is where I have been. Oh sure there's been nice days, where the sun tries to break thru, but alas it doesn't last and the dark cloud covers my world.
But my dark cloud has a name. I wonlt share it here but I will say he is a bully. Bullies are everywhere. They could be your spouse, a family member, a nasty neighbor, a co worker, a boss or in case, client or customer.
To make matters worse, he is a bi polar bully. he made my life hell on and off since mid Nov. It got so bad, I could not longer even look at his emails or answer his calls. PB had to take over any contact with him.
I cannot count the pounding, nausiating migrains this sicko has caused me. The hour long phone calls over ridiculous things. The fights it caused me with PB. PB says i have not been myself for the past 2 months. That I have become this negative dark creature.
But yesterday I sent off the whacko's project. But not without another migraine. After dropping off the packages at UPS at 6:30 pm, I puked next to my truck. It was that bad. The migraine was at a mindpounding peak. PB and I then drove to KFC, got some food to go, then we went home and I popped 2 Zanax and knocked myself out. PB was acting very cold and distant, not like him at all. I wondered how the hell this bully had totally taken over my life.
Like a vampire I had allowed him to suck all the good out of my life.
But I pray he just leaves me alone.

In fact I do not want to waste another moment even thinking about it.

Across 110th Street

2010-11-26T21:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight was one of the most incredible nights of my life. No, I did not win the lottery. Didn't meet the handsome guy of my dreams. I already got that. It actually was a very simple night out with my 6yr old godson. We went for a date night in our little town. And unbeknow to me, it was a special night in town complete with the first night of Christmas lights, all the shops were open, carriage rides, music. The little historic downtown was full of lights and people.
And every Friday night, the kids dance on the corner of the main intersection of town, playing classic 70s and 80s dance music. So the kid and I totally enjoyed our selves. We rode in the carriage, and danced on one of the platforms that surrounds one of the huge trees wrapped in Christmas lights. I felt totally uninhibited, dancing to soul music I danced to 35 years ago.
For one night I had no worries. No stresses from my business. No worrying about anyone's health. No worrying about being hurt by a man. A golden moment in life. My own treasure.
Then on the way home, we're riding in my truck, all quiet. No one is talking. Just riding along on the dark roads.
And the kid says from the back seat, " Its so nice, we have our own little world."

Yes, it sure it nice.

And its many miles away from where I came from. That's where the 110th Street reference comes in. Its a Bobby Womack song from the 70's. Its about surviving hard a life and getting to a better place. Whenever I hear that song it brings tears to my eyes. I think of how hard and hopeless all those years seemed. Always fighting to survive. And all the times, I did not think I would.

"Been down so long, getting up didn't cross my mind,
I knew there was a better way of life that I was just trying to find.
You don't know what you'll do until you're put under pressure,
Across 110th Street is a hell of a tester."

Yes, it sure is nice in our little glowing world.

Is Life Fair?

2010-11-19T09:55:00.000-08:00

Not in this country, that's for sure. I just read an article about most of our "leaders" in Congrss being millionares. Yeah, like they lose sleep if we lose our homes. They don't care, not one bit.

Ok, got that bit of ranting out of the way. Life has been busy here. Our trip to Vegas was incredible. If I had not gotten food poisoning, it would have been perfect. Reguardless, I am very happy and content.
The shop is busy. We are all in good health. And the winter has been warm so far. I was thinking about my life, and how this fall compares to others. Like the Thanksgiving 6 years ago, when Martha's dad was dying, and my brother was threatening to burn down the house as he was fueding with his wife. But somehow through all those dark clouds, I managed to see the sun. And all ended well.
And that is my gift, I guess. I always try and see past the darkness.

And there is always darkness. You just have to savor the sun that shines in between.

So I am savoring these precious moments.

There is news on the Martha front lines. And life with my brother is always a drama. And much is going on for my shop. I spent the past 2 hours paying bills, and now I have to go over the ex's and help him register for Social Security and the VA.
When will I actually spend time working today? Who knows?
All I know is that I feel good. I'm not letting the greedhogs that run our country get me down. That's what I love about where we live. Shut out the world forget how ugly it can be when greed runs amuck.

Have a great holiday.

The Imperfect Life

2010-10-18T08:48:00.000-07:00

A quickie post, spent the weekend at the lake. One of my best buddies came down to spend the weekend with her boyfriend. The weather was incredible. It was one of those golden times that you always reminisce about and treasure forever.
Visual images were amazing. Golden rays of the afternoon sun shining through the trees bathed in their fall colors of red and gold.
The purple sunset tones reflecting on the waters of the lake. I got to take out my rowing skull boat 5 times. Then between that and hiking up and down the bluff putting everything away that was out on the dock, my legs felt great.
No weight lost yet, but man do I feel good. Healthy.

And as some of you here know I have a small bike shop. And there was a small issue the came up last week. No one likes problems, but I tend to take things too close to heart and let it eat at me until I'm a wreck.
This morning, things got much better. And I feel good. PB did alot of work to the shop last week. He finished the insulation and then installed drywall on all the walls. No time right now for taping and mudding. The walls will stay as is for the next 4 weeks. The place looks much improved!

Lesson for the week? Life is short. Time passes by too quickly. So live it and enjoy the times in between the awful things that happen. Yeah, no getting away from the awful. It will always be there lurking. So plan for the future, learn from the past, but do not live in these place. Live in the here and now. Enjoy what you have, where you are, life is never perfect. Do not waste time waiting for perfect.
As for me, I'm going outside to the shop to work. My life is always crazy chaos. Someday I hope to live at the lake. It is my golden place.

The Sunday Stillness

2010-09-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

Sundays are still days. days when there's a quiet feeling, people are sleeping in late, reading the paper, having a peaceful morning. That's the way it should be. I get to the point where I avoid leaving the sanctity of my little world here on the cul de sac.
In being tired of being fat, I have started riding my bicycle in the morning. I started a week ago while in Minneapolis. I rented a bike there and rode along the Mississipi River. It was nothing short of one of those sweet moments in life. Afternoons I take my german shephard on a 3 mile hike.
PB has been doing some work on the shop. Installed a picture window in the back wall tht looks over the woods. he brought that window home over a year ago. Little by little our life comes together.

Its not easy. Nothing is easy.

But I am happy. I have alot of work to do today. As for tomorrow? Someone once told me, 'tomorrow is promised to noone.' At the time, I did not like hearing that. But today, I guess I have what satisfies my soul. The phrase no longer bothers me.

My soul is at peace. Now I have to work to keep it that way, keep that elusive balance. I can't go back to the hell days.

Envy and the Diamond Ring

2010-09-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

As I sit here typing it's a lazy Saturday afternoon. There's this gorgeous handsome man napping on the couch beside me. We were gonna go up to the lake, but fate played a hand yesterday and instead of fighting fate, I went with the flow. And to see what we missed up at the lake, go back my blog entries for last year, and see pics of our lake place.
I've become very contemplative at age 50. The rush of youth is over and I crave the slow steady flow of life. Rushing about from place to place is a hassle I do everything to avoid. But on my left hand is a diamond and gold ring. It has 5 stones, maybe 2 cts total weight. For many years I admired it on the hand of my former best friend Martha. I used to see that ring and think what a great life she had. In fact, I aways envied her and her life. From the time we were in 9th grade. She was always the pretty one, she had that "look." Clothes looked better on her than me. She had a flair, a sense of style and attitude. And she married a guy who could keep her in a stylish lifestyle. While I moved around place to place like a biker gypsy, she was living in an expansive home in a peaceful suburb. She always drove new, upscale cars. They took luxurious vacations, from skiing in Vail and Utah, to tropical paradise locations like the Bahamas and Aruba. She never wanted for anything, she would drop $300-400 a week at the grocery store and not think twice. While I was counting every penny keeping my grocery bill below $80 a week.
A few times a year I would go visit her, taking a break from my white trash world to visit Planet Posh. A place where everyone paid their bills on time and no expense was ever spared.
We would play cards and her sparkling ring would catch my eye, memorizing me. I would sit there and silently wish it were mine.
Then she decided to get divorced and suddenly she had to deal with money issues. With over $20,000 in credit card she needed cash, so she offered the ring to me for $1000. "You have been staring at this thing for 20 years, so you may as well have it," she said.
Suddenly the symbol of what I had always envied was mine. Her life changed dramatically after the divorce. She got the almost paid for house, the latest luxury car, the furniture, enough cash to pay off her credit cards, and a nice chunk of change every month of child support.
Then her parents died and she got even more money, almost $200,000.
But it wasn't enough. 5 years after the divorce and 2 years after the inheritance, she is $40,000 in credit card debt. She pretty much lives alone in that house, that house that used to be safe haven from the trouble of my nightmare existence. A house that has become a nightmare to live in at all. She spends every waking moment reliving painful moments in her past. Drudging up all those bad memories and going over them over and over and over. She has a hard time functioning, every surface of her once luxurious home is cluttered with items she can't stop buying.
As if buying more things will somehow bring her happiness. She rants and raves hysterically, goes into irrational crying jags about things that happened years ago. She takes out her anger on anyone still in her life, her children and her ex.
She recently demanded that her ex take her back and remarry her. She has complained for years about the abuse he heaped on her, and now she wants him back?
She no even resembles the Martha I knew. When she quiets down she still has the old charm, the physical beauty is still there, but its all very twisted.

And for the first time since 1975, I am no longer envious of what she has. I luxuriate in my own life, however humble it is.

As for the ring, it is where it belongs, on my finger. She never appreciated it. I don't she ever appreciated much of what she had. I don't she ever will. And that is something I could never envy. Life is a mysterious gift, in whatever capacity you know it to be.

And now I'll go out into the shop and work. I'll enjoy my little shop in the woods, my beautiful man, my humble little life.

The Black Stallion

2010-08-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Lots has happened since I wrote last. I spent two luxurious weekends at the lake cabin. Did a bunch of rowing. Seeing life on the lake. The fancy houses. What it must be like to live in them. So many of them empty most of the time. But even tho our cabin is more of a shack, its so hard to leave after a weekend. PB feels the same. WE`want to live there. Thats the plan.

My former friend Martha is completely out of control. Hurting her family in selfish ways that are beyond cruel. Cruel, narcissistic, nihilistic.

Sitting here watching the Black Stallion. I went to the movies in 1979 to see it. It was one of my favorite books from childhood. And the movie lived up to the book. Incredibly beautiful. The book takes place about 1940. 40 years before the movie was made. Hard to believe the movie was made 31 years ago. I was 19 yrs old. At the time I had no idea how young I was.

Who Gives a Flying F%@% about Tommy Hifiger?

2010-07-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

One of the bigest problems with our society is nothing is ever enough. We as a society can't get enough of the lifestyles of the rich. We live vivariously through them. I'm not exception, or at least I was not. Was being the operative word. There's no escape from it. On Yahoo's main page the top story was Tomy Hilfger's new home. I did not click on it, cos I don't care.
What am I concerned with today? Nothing. My mind was free. I relaxed in the morning, cuddled with PB, watched Romancing the Stone. Then put in a few hours working in the shop. And now this afternoon, I cleaned the kitchen and made chicken cordon blu with marinated tomatoes from the garden. As I cooked I watched "The Russians are Coming," an old movie from 1964.

The simple life. Not wanting more. Just happy and very thankful for what I have. A home, a wonderful man, sweet children in my life like my stepson and my 2 godsons. Living for the now. Happy in the moment.

So many years spent wanting more. We live from want to want. Not me. Not anymore.

Ah the Rollercoaster!

2010-07-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

This time yesterday I was luxuriating in the thankfulness that my shop has a somewhat healthy workload. A miracle in this dismal economy. My head was free from the cloud of stess and worry for the first time in years.
Then today PB comes home from work and annouces he's been laid off again. 3 times in 1 year. Sure he'll be able to help me and hopefully he'll get called back to work before too long. There's no plumbing jobs out there. The pickins are mightly slim. So again I need to try and build my business up enough to support two people.

I'm not feeling awful or anything. I'll be fine. Its just the up and down of the rollercoaster. Nope don't like it. Life's challenges? Nope, I've had enough challenges, enough for several lifetimes. Smooth routines, no bad surprises. That's what I need.

A Better Sunday

2010-07-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

It was the first normal sort of Sunday in many months. There was no ovewhelming feeling of tension weighing down, crushing my spirit. I was cooking in the kithen, watching the movie, "Country." Its about the farming crisis of the 80s'.
The veggies from the garden have been piling up. The poor garden has been so neglected for the past month. Weeks of being in the shop from 7am to 9 pm, so beat by 9pm, thatbythe time I clean the shop and come inside, there's nothing left. I barely cooked meals. The house began to get that cluttered, untidy effect.
But startng this week my work schedule is getting more managable. And that has made all the difference.
I picked a bunch of sweet banana peppers, cabano and anahiam peppers, a zuccinni, a boatload of tomatoes. I sauteeded them up. Then pounded some chicken breast flat, and rolled them up with ham and swiss cheese, dipped in milk and rolled in seasoned bread cumbs and baked that for 30 minutes. had some tomatoes and cucumbers marinating in salad dressing.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Than PB and I sat down at the table and had Sunday dinner for the first time in over a month. yeah, when we have his son, we have dinner at the table, but not that much.
It all felt good after so many months of stress. The stress was tearing me up, beating me down.
I think of a friend of mine, who is getting ready for a trade show in a few weeks. I know all too well how hard that will be when you wait until the last minute to get ready. Trying to accomplish several months worth of work in 3 weeks. It is something that feels like pure hell.
I was thinking how awful it would feel to be in that posistion. It made me feel so good to be where I am. Sure I won;t be at the show and I'll miss the networking an excitement, but hell, it feels great to not have that brutal weight hanging over me.
I had lunch with my nieces last Friday. It was a simple thing, go to their new apartment and them go to lunch at Red Robin. Then we went back to their place and talked
and laughed.
And it felt wonderful. For the first time in a long time, the stress of work was not crushing me constantly.

As for my personal life, it has been wonderful lately. PB has been so sweet and supportive.
But sitting here on a lazy Sunday, life feels worth living.

Not sure

2010-07-02T04:52:00.000-07:00

Not sure how to feel about my personal life. Too many questions. Trust is a hard thing when you have a past like mine. So much betrayal. I wonder if total trust will ever be possible.
I have a friend like me, how she gets through it all, I don't know. She too is a giver but somehow is not as sensitive as me.
But now is not the time for getting lost in it. I have too much to lose as far as business goes. Bills must be paid. I have to take care of myself. No one there to do it for me. No one to fall back on. There never has been, not really. No parents, no family.
Most people I know, like Martha, always have someone, she has her ex hes always is there to bail her out.
I just have to keep going, keep strong, and somehow, things will work out one way or another.

Suddenly it was June!

2010-06-20T06:34:00.000-07:00

June 2010. How did that happen? Not too long ago it was Jan and I was in hell. Now its hot as hell. Happy father's day to all the dads out there. And men who are dads to kitties and puppies they count as dads. Got to get in the shop so here's some quick news
1) I'm almost caught up in my work and its great feeling. 2 more days and I should be there.
2) PB and I had a very bad week. The stress levels of the past year and our reactions to them resulted in some behavoir that was less than ideal. Nothing super bad, but we almost broke up. I tried to leave. Even had the cat packed up in her carrier. But he talked me into staying. We both had alot to think about, both he and i had to be very honest about ourselves. And that is not ever an easy thing to do. That was 2 weeks ago. The end result? We both realized what we have is something to treasure and never lose. Something to embrace. I have to learn not to let the stress from my work injure our relationship.
3) PB's younger son and I are bonding so well. I love that kid. We bought him a little dirt bike for his 12th birthday. Weren't sure if he's like it as he hates motorcycles. He got on it and ran it right into PB's jeep. But like a trooper, he got back on it and has been riding it like a clever madman ever since. He tries not to ride beyond his abilities which are improving all the time.
One of things that made me very depressed over the last 10 years was not having a child of my own. This boy is the closest I will ever come. So it means the world when he hugs me.
4) And big news, I stood up to PB's ex. Instead of "hiding" at a school event, (which I do so she won't give PB any crap) I stood tall and proud. her son hugged me twice in front of her. She looked small, dumpy and wearing a cheap ill fitting shirt that looked awful when it was new.
and 5) PB and I are going to San Franciso next weekend for his family reunion. His dad is flying us out. I've never been there. Plus Tuesday is our 2 yr anniversary. 2 years of cuddling, hugs, kisses, and unbelievable emotional support from the handsomest man to ever walk the earth. No one in my life has ever been so good for me. He's my world.

The Scare

2010-06-04T04:22:00.000-07:00

The dr's office was trying to get a hold my ex yesterday at 7:30 am. Jack's dr wanted him to come in to redo a blood test immediately. Said his pottassium levels were too high.
So I look it up and find out that high P levels are a sign of an impending massive heart attack. Another sign, being tired and feeling poorly. Jack had felt tired and poorly. Yikes.
But it could be the blood test was wrong, if they draw the blood too quickly it can give a false high as the red blood cells can be distorted. I guess it happens alot.
I was a mess until they called Jack back after the new test.

The new results were fine. The being tired was cos Jack is taking malaria meds for tick bites.
If it was been a true high P level, then Jack would have been in the hospital and I would be there with him and it would have turned into one of those horrible weekends of waiting, praying and hoping desperately for things to go right. A feeling I know all too well.

Nothing like staring despair and desperation in the face and then shut the door on it. A wonderful feeling.
Life moves on.

A Quickie

2010-05-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

The weeks seem to go by faster and faster. Last weekend was a wonderful escape from my usual world. Camping next to a stream with good friends. The kind of thing that makes life worth all the painful stuff we have to go through.
I'm glad I got away. I really needed it. I couldn't see things clearly. I did not have the kind of energy I need to get things accomplished that need to be done and finished.
Granted the weekend activities beat me up a bit, but somehow today I am seeing things clearly, what I need to do. Took out my clipboard for the first time in weeks and starting listing things that need done.
As it is memorial Day weekend, I cannot help but think of last year when Martha thought I should spend the weekend with her as PB had to work the race. Of course she did not tell me but just suggested and hoped I'd come and then blew a major gasket when I stayed home. Time flies no matter what and it feels good to put her drama behind me.
And on another note, age 50 is not being kind to me. Ok guys, you can stop reading now as the following is women stuff. The M Word has invaded my world. In a word or 3, not fun. The hot flash stuff is pretty awful. But I am toughing it out. Not complaining, trying to not turn up the ac too much.
So I am thinking I have too much body fat, that's why I am suffering so much with this "M" stuff. I have got to get in shape. So in my usual poor financial judgement (why stop now? Why not keep blowing money I have so much experience at it) I am buying a rowing shell. Its used. Now sure i could keep riding my mt bike, but after hell, 17 or 18 years of it, I am bored with it. I find excuses not to bike. meanwhile my body is going to hell or atleast looks like it is.
So instead of spending the money on something smart, I'm spending it on me. Its not alot, but enough to give me pause.
Ok, back to work I go. I've got alot to catch up with workwise. Meanwhile I dream of lazy weekends at the lake, reading or rowing. With no work related things on my mind. So lets see how soon I get there.

Green Days

2010-05-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

There's alot of scary stuff going down in the world. Some sick stuff like the US coming in at 28th in the world for the best place to be a mother. The number one determing factor was how crappy moms get treated in this country by their employers and health insurnace providers. I don't know what worse for this country, if the working class isn't getting terrorized by terrorists, they're getting screwed over by corporate greed. Sad realities for a country founded on freedom. Yeah, freedom for who? Not for the average american who works their ass off surviving only to pay most of their check to one insurance company after another. Car insurnace, health insurnace, life insurnace, home, flood, and on and on.
Ok that rant is over and here's my point, the average person can't do a thing about any of it. I just read a story that 44% of Congress are millionaires. You think they actually care about the people who have helped make them rich? Nope. So why worry?
I'm not gonna. I've spent half my life worrying about one thing after another.

I need a break for this next half. PB and I spent last weekend at the lake. We were only gonna go up for one night and ended up spending 2 nights. No tv, no internet, and our place has a very isolated feel as there are thick woods on each side and it insulates us from the neighbors. We sat in the gazebo over the water and watched life happen around us on the lake. The geese were having a battle with our dog over the dock. The ducks were chasing each other around over the water. PB tried to catch fish but Zoey tried helping too much and scared most of the fish away. I couldn't stop laughing, she was so funny.
But it was 2 days of heaven. Its so easy to shut everything out when I am there. Then there are these big incredible houses I row past on the water and people are seldom in them. Mansions that only get used once in a while.
Am I wrong to not want to know whats going on? I've spent so much of my life in pain and heartache. I don't want to know more of the ugly things that happen around me. I'm tired. Really tired of a life, in which so much time was spent being sad and scared. Tired of fighting. Of struggling to survive.
When I'm not working my ass in the shop and dealing with the pleasuredome of self employment, I want to relax and work in my garden. I want to cuddle with PB and watch movies. I want to sit on the bluff at our lake place and cook meals over an open fire, then go and row or swim around the lake. I want to ride our motorcycles with friends. I want to shut out the greedheads and the nut jobs and enjoy what life I have left in the world.

A View from the Compound

2010-04-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

Wonderful dreamy weekend with PB and his younger son Brad. PB hung some of my artwork up on the walls. And my Road warrior poster. I rode bicycles with Brad . We planted the veggie garden and cleaned up the house. I sat there and watched the one of brad's favorite shows. he really wanted me to share something with him, like watching that show.
The whole weekend just had this dreamlike quality to it.

And now it is Monday and of course not everything is going smooth. Glitch city sometimes. But I don't have that feeling of everything caving down on me. The feeling that was driving me under this winter.

Last year I had a chance to get a bunch of work, and I went for it. It would have required lots of brutal long hours. Of course the money would have been incredible. But in the end I glad I did not get the work. It would have burnt me out.

So here I sit, work in the shop, dealing with the downside of having your own shop. But life feels good. I'm finally getting used to being happy.
PB has changed my life and I treasure the life we share.

Feeling Better Again.

2010-04-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

There was a dark time in January when I felt I would never feel good again. I completely blew it on a high profile project. I mean bad. And the stress level has been up ever since. The only thing that kept me going was my beautiful PonyBoy and fantasizing about summer weekends at the lake with him.

And last week I finally cracked. I had reached my limit. I was done, toast. Puking my way through a trade show last weekend. My tummy in knots. But it seems I have finally dialed down from all that stress.

I still am having problems eating but maybe I'll lose that 15 lbs I gained as I ate my way through the winter.

Ok out into the shop I'll go. PB will be home from work soon. He'll work with me for a while, then we'll eat pizza. Tonight I get to cuddle in bed with the sweetest, sexiest man on the planet, ( and yes I honestly feel that way.)

7am

2010-04-12T03:55:00.000-07:00

Last week was one of those weeks when the stress overwhelmed me. I had to take care of my brother's 10 dogs. That is, go to his house, 15 minutes away twice a day and spend 30 minutes feeding, watering, and cleaning the kennels. It took up two hours a day during a week, when I could not afford to lose such time.
But he takes of my our dog when we are gone, so I did it.

Tuesday was my birthday, and it was a wonderful day. And it was all downhill after that. Thursday i tried to break up with PB, it had been a long day and I really needed his help. We had a very important trade show to do and I was also stressed about only having 3 actual workdays last week. PB was very tired after work and he did not feel good, so he was not too enthusiastic about helping me load up the trailer. Plus I'd had a bad day with the ex on Thursday.

I guess after all I have been through its hard to really let someone in. I am so used to doing things on my own. Not needing any help or rather admitting that I need help.
But I realized something last week, after all the fighting, I really do need PB. I need his help, I want his help.
I'm tired. I'm tired to being alone, of doing everything I can for people and not getting back that support most of the time.
My brother fixed my truck last week. He wants to do everything he can to it, that it needs to last another 200,000 miles. It felt good to hear him talk that way. I'm glad I took care of his dogs.

AS for PB, I am never going to try and break up with him again. I'm not going to give him a hard time anymore. I need him in so many ways. I have so much bitterness and anger at the times in my life when people, well basically used me. My parents, my boyfriends, my friends, taking advantage my my work ethic, of my helpfulness, and it resulting in them getting what they needed and me standing alone, in whatever mess they left me in.

PB is not like that. And I have to stop treating him like they should have been treated. He is the most helpful, nurturing, kind, loving person I have ever had in my life. He deserves better. He deserves the me, I want to be.

BTW, his ex made issues about the weekend. I just love the double standard. So unfair.

Quick Takes

2010-04-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

There's something about Spring that soothes me. Despite the mindblowing hectic stress of finishing up winter/spring projects in the shop, there are days like today that just feel ......good.
Today the atmosphere has that rare feel that only comes before a spring time rain. The brillant bright green of baby leaves sprouting everywhere. It casts a surreal glow on a cloudy day.

So here's what's up.

1) I had a wonderful 50th birthday with PB. He came home from work and cooked me dinner, ribeye steaks, twice baked potatoes and corn. His step mom made me a cake. We had to go to my bro's to take care of his 10 dogs. Yes there are 10, the fam is on vacation to SeaWorld. So we go out to the jeep and there's this incredible magenta colored rose bush in the front seat of the Jeep. I was floored, as PB is quite poor these days, and I was only expecting a dinner, not a gift. It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.

2) Yesterday was awful. Business issues to deal with, and after 16 years, I do not know why I expect my ex to be tactful with people. I hope he did not really screw things up for himself business wise. I was over his house and we had a business meeting with someone and no matter how many times I tried to change the subject, he just took the conversation down a path it
should have never been on in the first place. I do not think the person was impressed. Tact and diplomacy have never been in my ex's vocabulary. So he may have rendered much of my hard work for his shop, all for nothing, with one 5 minute conversation.

3) It really threw me for a loop. I was so fed up, I came home and gave PB a very hard time. I guess I don't want to trust anyone. I work so hard to keep us all in our homes and our bills paid. And sometimes it feels so hopeless. Yesterday was one of those hopeless days. And the underlying stress of the past few months caught up with me and I cracked. Despite the overwhelming situations I keep going, telling myself everything will work out for the better and everything will be ok. And then days like yesterday blow me over and I fall apart. I tried to get PB to break up with me. I don't want to trust or depend on anyone.
Not that PB has ever let me down, but a lifetime of bad programming can set a person up for a lifetime of disappointments.

4) But today I feel better. I'm enjoying the spring colors, the weird vibe in the air that only comes in the early springtime. The ex has got to stand on his own, be his own man, guide his own destiny. He is simply far too dependant on me.

Westboro Baptist "Church?"

2010-04-01T06:05:00.001-07:00

Ok so this supposed church that protests at military funerals and all kinds of other events. I saw something about this on facebook this morning and spent a few minutes looking it up. And here is how I feel about it.

1) Its not really a church. Its a washed up lawyer who came up with a sick, but novel way to keep his name in the news and make money.

2) He and his greedhog children are bullies. Plain and simple. They torment those who have done no wrong. Families who are going through great tragedies as they bury their loved ones. if this "church" has such a hatred for this country, why don't they go somewhere else? If they have such contempt of the government, why don't they protest Congress instead of brutally picking on people who are simply trying to bury their loved ones?

3) They do it because they are cowardly bullies who hide behind the same laws that protect the same people they are against. They are hypocritical bullies who only want publicity so they can get money.

4) If anyone is going to burn in hell? They can rest assured they will be first in line.

5) People like them make the world an ugly place.

6:30 am

2010-03-30T03:32:00.001-07:00

PB got called back to work today. He's been laid off since Labor Day Weekend '09. He was sad as he can't spend all day helping me in the shop anymore. It really got his attention that what he enjoyed for the past 7 months is over for now.

So it is back to the little routine I knew when I first met him. Back then Jun 08, PB had his little life, his little routine that he followed most days. Every morning he'd get up at 5:15am, get dressed, make and pack his lunch and midmorning snack into his soft sided cooler and fill his football travel mug with coffee. He'd be out the door by 6. He'd get home by 5, take a nap, then go on the computer and look on the personals and play poker online. Every other Friday night, he's play poker at his buddy's house. He did not expect much from life and was happy with what he had. His dad even had a little place at the lake, but PB never used it. It would deviate from the routine, and he did not think that far.
He was happy in his simple life. Once when he was much younger, he'd had dreams, but like many of us, those dreams had evaporated and were mostly forgotten.

Then I came along. For the most part his life remained unchanged. I craved a normal simple life. I envied the routine he had and embraced it. New love fills a person's body with crazed hormones. You don't sleep, you lay there at night, trying to fall asleep, you don't eat, you don't know why. All you do know is that the entire world now revolves around that new person, and nothing else matters. At least that's the way it was for me.

I'd lay there awake, laying next to the most beautiful man I'd ever seen, cuddled up to him, hoping against hope, that I would get to always be there with him. Everything was fresh and new.

And I wake up with him every morning at 5:15, make and pack his lunch, kiss him good morning and after he'd left for work, clean the kitchen and start my day. It was as if I was fresh and new again. 25 years old with my whole life ahead of me, not 48 and too many miles of bad road behind me.

I had not willingly woken up that early since 1984 when I lived on the Connecticut River in a 200 yr old farmhouse. I'd wake up with a cup of tea and climb out onto the porch roof and watch the sun rise over the endless fields across the street. 26 years later, those fields are gone, covered by a shopping mall and office buildings, hell, even the farmhouse was torn down in Nov.
But in the almost two years since PB and I met, his life has changed quite a bit. The lake place he never used? We use it alot. And some of those lost dreams became reality. He has his own Harley. He has been to quite a few bike events, like Daytona Bike week, The VTwin Expo, The Big Mountain Run, Mountain Fest. Even SEMA in Las Vegas. And he has hung and partied with some of the best people in the industry.
But with those adventures and dreams, come the dues. You must pay dues. Not everyone has the cahonies for that. Long hours in the shop, things going wrong, and the awful hours it takes to fix them, dealing with the financial realities of the custom business. Not many of us get rich, and many who do, well, they had "previous endeavours" that made them the resources that paid the bills.

The wild hormones of new love have faded. Each night, I sleep like a 4 yr old after a day at the amusement park. I eat too much as I am happy, for the first time in my life, I have become fat. The kitchen is not always sparklingly clean. PB's home no longer feels like a full on miracle each day. It is my home and I am used to it.

But I do take it all for granted? No.

PB and I are in deep love. The kind of love that we hope new love turns into. Each time I look at him, its like looking at him for the first time. I see this incredibly sexy man, who is so sweet and so beautiful inside and out. My heart melts all over again.

We gave each other what the other one needed. I gave wings to his dreams and believed in him. He gave me something that I had never known, real love, that cuddles me at night, that makes me tea each morning, that fusses over me as if I were a princess. That tries to protect me from the bad old world.

Its getting light out side. I'll take out my bicycle and do about 8 miles. I haven't done my morning workout since May 09. But now its all changed. each morning, I'll rise at 5, make my man his lunch, send him off to work, then clean the kitchen and do my workout, taking in all the beauty that a home in the country offers. Then I'll have my breakfast and get out into the shop.

I'm 50 years old and I have my whole life ahead of me.

Sunny Daze...

2010-03-24T05:46:00.000-07:00

It was so cold this past winter, it actually seemed as if it would never end. Then to go to Daytona and have it be the coldest Daytona Bike Week I had ever been to (since 1993.) So it is a wonderful thing to have temps here in Cane Creek, NC in the 60s and 70s. Sunday it rained but I still had to do some riding gear testing so off PB and I went, had to take riding pics for the magazine article. There's so many very cool places to use as backdrops for photos. Taking riding pics are harder than it looks. You can take 20 pics and if you get one great one, you're lucky. But it is always fun to go riding with him, discovering the backcountry around here.
But I am loving the new FXRG gear, its mostly all it was cracked up to be. Plus I now have a Nolan helmet. Between that and the gear, I feel like I can ride though anything.

Never thought I would be digging on a full face helmet but so far, I am hooked. Plus my face will now be saved. 30 plus years of riding have done a number on my skin. (flapping down the road. I hate that.)

Martha did not stop by either of my places this past weekend. So hell yes. She caused me so much stress last week in a way that only family can do.

This Saturday I am riding across SC to my first Motor Maids meeting. Its supposed to be sunny and cold, high 61. But I'll be warm and comfy behind my helmet and under my gear. Its amazing how much having this stuff has changed the way I ride. I enjoy riding in any kind of weather.
And riding across SC is one of my favorite rides. Its like riding through the Twilight Zone. All these little backwater towns straight out of 1960. So many neat old houses and barns. So much history. I haven't gotten to do this particular ride in many years. So I'm looking forward to it. Plus I get to meet the other members in my district. PB can't go as he has his younger son this weekend. First time I have ridden alone on a long ride since PB started riding.

Meanwhile I dream of weekends at the lake. Yes, I am happy and enjoying these days. Who knows when hell may arrive?

Quickie for the Day

2010-03-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

1) PB installed a brick path to the shop from the backporch. It looks incredible. He has such an attention to detail when he does anything. he's now getting ready to put in a small flowerbed for us. For our two rose bushes, a cornflower plant and a few other perrinials.
2) Martha might be coming into town this weekend. I dread if she decides to stop by. Her bipolar problem has taken her over. It is very ugly.
3) I just need a good long 8 or so weeks with no traveling. I love where I am at, I love where my life is at these days. of course there's always problems to deal with, but traveling just makes it all harder. I will not be flying anywhere for a while.

Peacefulness

2010-03-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

The prissy little Goth cat is sleeping on the loveseat and I just finished doing some computer drawings. Z dog is on squirrel watch keeping the woods safe from squirrel rampages. PB is out in the shop working. He has such an attention to detail when he works. It seems so strange. As if it was meant to be. All those years of working alone, carrying the weight of my business by myself. And here I meet this man who sure has hell seems to be all I ever wanted. Well most of what I wanted in a life partner. He's sweet, loving, considerate, passionate, artistic, loves to cuddle, likes most things I like, enjoys having adventures but likes to stay home. Plus I find him incredibly gorgeous. After almost 2 years, I am still completely goofy over him.

A buddy of mine asked me if PB minded that I rode a badassed custom chopper and PB rode a pretty much stock 1200 sporty. The friend said, no way could he do that, that his woman would have cooler bike than him.

I told him PB was not like that. He is secure enough in his manhood that he is proud to have a woman with such a cool bike. Male pride is a complex thing. Or maybe not. Most men in my life were very proud, but any successes I had seemed to bother them to the point where they would try and bring me down. They'd say mean, demeaning things to make themselves feel better.

The young Pony Girl put up with that. At least for a while.

But the main thing, is PB is happy to have the life he has with me. Thankful to even have a bike. To have a job working on motorcycles.

It is another thing PB and I have in common, we both know how lucky we both are to have each other and the life we share together. I look around our little house, and the atmosphere is one of peacefulness. Sometimes it surrounds me and makes me feel a security that I have never known before.

I know I can let the darkside of life get me down at times, but this winter had a tendency to do that.

Sunshine and Dr T's Favorite Subject

2010-03-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

Zoey Dog is barking like crazy. The squirrels are going rouge. Just like Sarah Palin. PB and I are back from Daytona. We froze our butts off down there. Standing at the Broken Spoke, watching Gallager with Jay, then riding back to my buddy's house. Laying there in bed, wondering if I would ever be warm again.
But we arrived home to find it sunny and warm in old NC. We had a very good time there and we almost did not go. Its too easy to be scared these days. What with the economy, strange news stories, and such. Dr Hunter Thompson called it 'The Fear.'
But we went. On the way down, the main reason for my trip was looking like it might not happen. Business these days is a gamble, and I decided to take a gamble and go anyway. It was a trip that was more successful than I had expected. There were a few nice surprises and even with the cold weather, I had a smile on my face most of the time.

There is scary talk these days. I stay away from watching or reading the news. Many of the middle class jobs in this country are gone. Will they be back? Who knows?
Shows on tv that also can frighten or rather, put things in stark perspective. One of them is "Life After People." And last night we watched a show on Nat Geo also about the planet without people.
The bottom line? Our life is but a blink of the eye. We race around hither thither, somehow thinking all we do matters in a much bigger way than it actually does. The powerful greedhogs who manipulate government policies so they can become even richer, what a waste. And the current state of our country here is a testament to that very thing. The sun will still rise and set and then do whatever nature intends, and there is nothing they can do about it. Not one damn thing. They cannot live forever. They can only con themselves into thinking so.

So I'll look out into the woods that lay behind the house and savor the golden sunlight streaming through the trees. I'll watch silly tv shows like "America's Next Top Model" and relax. I'll take weekend trips on the bikes with PB, into the mountains and have fun playing on the curves. I'll take my godsons on playdates and smile and laugh. I'll spend weekends at the shack at the lake and be thankful for every golden moment at that incredible place.
I'll look into PB's amazing blue eyes and wonder how I ever got so lucky to share a life with that precious man.

Reminds me of that line from 'Moonstruck,' where Cher says her ring is only temporary and her mom replies, "Everything is temporary.'

You got to enjoy and savor it while you can. We're only human.

Why the Silly BS???

2010-02-24T05:32:00.000-08:00

I just on a online m/c board and was reminded why I tend to stay away from the current m/c world unless my living depends on it. I mean, if customer keep on coming to my shop, then I would seldom even go to bike events. In fact, there is one bike event I usually go to every year, but this year I will not be there.

Life is just way too short for the stupid infighting. This one did that or this one said this. That is one thing about being old, and being in this business longer than most of the whiners now involved. And these guys just keep on whining and crying and creating drama.

Plus, its a scary world out there. I also tend to stay away from watching or reading the news, as it is just plain scary. Two men in my household are currently without jobs and there are no jobs in their professions around here. Hell, 20 years again, when I was welding, I would get $10 an hour. Now the cost of living has increased a bunch and I look in the paper and hell, that's still the going rate for welding? And one of the men is in his 60's. Like anyone would hire him to weld?

Millions of people can't find jobs cos most of the jobs are gone forever, most to China.

My brother in law is constantly talking about how the economy is going to fall completely and the nightmare that will follow. It drives me nuts as I have enough to do without trying to deal with his end of the world talk. Ok I have to work my ass off, come up with enough work to keep two households going and now it all may be for nothing as the the USA crumbles around me?

Oh I just want it to be summer and go to the lake and relax and forget.

But its winter and its cold and wet. And times are tough and ( getting tougher maybe.) All while the world watches tv and forgets how much richer the rich are getting and how most of us are getting poorer.
I mean who gives a fuck about the "stars' of reality tv? Like that is gonna help me pay my bills?
Oh well, enough of that. Somehow I'll survive and my life will go on. And Wall Street execs got over 20 Billion in bonuses. But the majority of the country can barely pay their bills. Sick, sick world.

Feeling Alive in the Middle of Winter

2010-02-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

And to think I did not even want to go to the VTwin Expo. I'd been feeling so beat down, the last thing I wanted to do was to put myself in the public end of my industry and feel even worse. But somehow, it all worked out better than I would have ever thought. I had a great time and PB did too.

Seeing and spending time with old and new friends, making connections and renewing old ones. I came away feeling energized and ready to work. I felt good again.

Have you ever felt so bad, that it seemed as tho you'd never feel good again? Well maybe not never, but not feel good again for a very long time?

I did last month. But it was the best VTwin Expo ever for me. I can remember the 2005 Expo, sitting next to the railing on the huge mezzanine over the lobby of the Westin, at the Drag Specialties Party, and feeling awful. Alone, overwhelmed and beat down by life.

Part of what made it such a special time this year was PB. He was amazing. It takes a real man to stand back while his woman does her thing. For me that thing is networking, talking, connecting. Not once did he make me feel guilty for leaving him alone for moments here and there. He talked to people, looked at stuff and did not give any me attitude. It takes a real man to do that. Not many men could or would.

He puts up with all my BS with endless patience, the stupid little fits I throw when I am stressed. He babies me and comforts me when I don't feel well. He supports me emotionally and professionally in a way that I have never known before and sadly, that most careerminded women, will never know.

And to think I found him on Yahoo personals. In my head I can clearly see that moment when I first saw him, a breathtaking vision in a white tank top and levis. And he is mine. I call him my beautiful man. Because that is what he is to me.

So many moments in my life that felt like pure hell, mostly due to me giving my heart to someone who did not deserve it.

Oh well, it is snowing outside and they are saying it will be quite the snowstorm. I am ready. In the winter of 1985/86, back home in CT, I lived by Lake Terrimougus. One night, it snowed bigtime and I took my 2 german shephards for a walk around the 3/4 mile lake. The snow covered streets were so soft that I ran most of the way. When I was done going all the way around the lake, I felt so good, I did it again. It felt amazing, surreal. I was 25 years old with my whole life ahead of me.

I'll never forget that magic night. And whenever it snows at night, enough to give a good cover of snow, I'll take my dog and go walking.

Living in the South, I don't get the chance to do that very often, In fact I've only done it once since 1990.

Maybe tonight 50 year old women will go out hiking in the snow with her dog. There's a lake down the street even.

Back From Hell?

2010-01-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

God I hope so. I haven't written in a while as life took one of turns straight into hell. Funny, how it happens, it sneaks up on you, and suddenly wham! You're in hell. Now the difference between a younger person and an older person is, the older person has most likely been in hell before and figures its just a matter of time before they get past that point, and move back into the sun. Teh younger person totally suffers as it feels like hell time last forever.
But this time was scary. In fact it may not be not over yet. But I really hope so. The past week was a rough one.

Quickies

2010-01-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

1) PB's oldest son and gf were her for a 5 day visit from Vegas. It was wonderful. I love cooking and doing the family thing. We had great meals, shot guns, hell I even shot an Uzi! Spent time with PB's mom and dad. We went up to the lake, where it was a lovely 25 degrees. Built a campfire on the bluff overlooking the lake and toasted marshmallows. We cuddled under blankets at home and watched DVDs. Paranormal Activity is kinda spooky. It was hard dropping them back off at the airport. It felt like we were losing part of us, but at the same time, it was good to have the house to ourselves.

2) Found out my best riding buddy's cancer is back in a big way. It is all over her body, in every organ. She starts chemo next week. She's hoping to have one last year to ride and see as much of the US as possible. More about this later. I'm messed up over this.

3) Sad, sick, insane Irene is due to be around this coming weekend. I have warned Jack as she will most likely stop in there. If she gets jack sick again with stress, I may be the one who goes insane. Very sad that she has no idea what real troubles are. See #2.

4) Tons of work to get done in the shop.

5) I really need to cut back on the food and start working out again. Th cold has made it easy to stay inside and continue to get fat.

New Year, Old Hope

2010-01-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

This blog was started as a way to work through a difficult time in my life. At the time, I was 48 years old, and my personal life had become a sad joke. The kind of story people tell when they want to feel good about their lives. "hey at least my life is better than hers." I had no children to share this life with, a former husband I still shared a life with, who had married me for all the wrong reasons. The main one being, he wanted a nice woman who would care of him. Did not matter, he was so turned off to me physically, he refused to cuddle with me, let alone share a bed. So I had slept alone for 14 years. My unhappiness had finally begun to affect my business to the point where I could not have cared less about it. It was only a burden to me.
A person can only find so many other way to satisfy the needs. One can only hike so much, ride so much, before it can no longer fill the void.
Our happy home in the country, had become an isolated compound where I spent all my nights alone. But through it all, I always hoped it would get better, but it takes two. Every new years eve, I would make a special meal, try and have a nice evening. but he would be in the garage, politely ignoring me until midnight, when he would let up and join me for a drink.

And each year I would get sadder. No kids, no love = no life.

And then last year, the new relationship, wondering where it would lead, hoping he loved me, juggling hard to keep all the balls in the air, caught up in the exileration of new hope and almost love.

And now here I am, a year later, hope renewed. My business busier than ever, doing the best work of my life, my shop out back of our little house. 2 step children to care for, a grandbaby to love, an almost daughter in law to bond with. A little piece of heaven on the shores of Lake Norman to luxuriate in not often enough. Yes, having PB in my life has made all the difference. And I now have new burdens to shoulder. And money is tight with both PB and the ex out of work.

Sure there's always problems, but now there is life with love. And life = hope.

I have a life worth living. I do not feel anger towards my ex. I take care of him because it is the right thing to do.

PB said he was glad to see 2009 end and it was a not a great year. But for me, 2009 was wonderful. It was a year of hope and love. We worked towards our future together, building up his home for us. We traveled, we rode our bikes on trips through hell and laughed and made it home safely. We danced and tailgated at the Coldplay concert under a full moon, him holding me and making sure I felt special. We relaxed at heaven by the lake, forgetting about the cold hard real world, if only for a weekend.

His son and gf came home safely from their deployment in Iraq. We ruled at the big trade show.

And each night we feel asleep in each other's arms.

2009 was a wondeful year for me.

So now its 2010. A year for work and build. A year to finish what we started in 09. A year to help make our future more enjoyable and secure. I am all about security. Its a cold hard world out there. It helps to have someone to help you stay warm.

Holiday Realities

2009-12-24T10:44:00.000-08:00

PB has just walked out the door to go Christmas shopping. The house is quiet with the dog on the back porch and the prissy white cat purring next to me on the couch. Most of the gifts are wrapped and I have a few dishes to wash and holiday thoughts are running through my brain.

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight"

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is without a doubt my favorite holiday song. Judy Garland sang it in Meet me in St Louis. And to hear the emotion in her voice as she sang it, well, it really brings up what can be the grim reality that the holidays can present. Its so easy to get sad and feel bad this time of year. To look back at the past year and beat up on yourself that you did not accomplish enough, that in some way, you did not live up to the hopes you had a year ago.
People get so caught up in spending money, in "how they look" to others, what people will think if the image they present is less than expected. But for me, Christmas is about hope and peace and love.

I have known happy Christmases but more sad ones. Tough times in a tough world that I grew up in. Visions of my mom crying because she had no money to buy things. But through it all, I have never given up that the next year will be better.
PB is sad cos he doesn't have much money to spend on gifts. But he has given me far more in love and hope than he could ever purchase at a store. To cuddle in bed with him, to feel his affection and warmth is priceless.
I'll go out soon to buy a few more gifts, get groceries for our holiday meals, food for the dog. Then go over to Jack's and give him his gifts and play with the dogs over there.
I do all I can for the people in my life and I hope that is enough for them.
That's why I love that song, cos its all about renewing hope.

"But at least we all will be together, if the Fates allow,
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now."

You Got to Have the Sour

2009-12-23T17:09:00.000-08:00

Walk in someone else's shoes. Or at least walk along with them and be observant. Now I have always been thankful for my life with PB. But after spending a weekend with some real celebrities? I am even more apprecative of my little life.
When I say real famous people? Well one of them was real famous. About as famous as it gets. This person is a legend and for the most part, a very good person. Pretty down to earth for a legend. And I had a whole lot of fun hanging out. And this person went out of the way to make sure I did have a good time. And that meant much to me.
But it wasn't just this that made it strange. There were other well known people and the dramas surrounding them was ...well..........something straight out of something like Desperate Housewives or some other who is doing who drama.
But it was all a bit overwhelming and if I was younger, maybe I would have embraced it all more than I did. But I am 50 years old. And yeah it was fun, but for the most part, I would have preferred to be home. I know what I like. What feels good to me.
But maybe that what it takes. You've got to have the sour to appreciate the sweet. Like if all you had was sweet all the time, you can never fully know just how sweet, the sweet can be.
And I've had plenty of sour in my 50 years.

In other news, my former best friend has gone completely insane. ....again.

The Carolina Fog

2009-12-14T06:40:00.000-08:00

I made Christmas cookies for the first time and decided to do it with my 5 and 11 yr old godsons. Shouldn't be too hard I thought. It looks easy enough. And of course after I got into it, I realized just how clueless I was about making rolled out sugar cookies. And to find that out with a hyperactive 5 yr old bouncing around, whose snatching M&Ms, and Reese's Pieces and gobbling them down, getting even more sugared up.........well, my feet were sore at the end of the day, but I had alot of fun and can't wait to it again.

The 5 yr old had me laughing like crazy. They say the funniest things at that age. So spontaneous.
This kid loves Christmas.

Of course its always wonderful to drop them back off at my brother's. And I miss them like crazy before I even get to the end of the driveway.
By the time I took pictures of the cookies, more than half were gone. Some to my bro's house, some to my bro in law, some to PB's dad's house, and we ate some. But now that I got it down I like making the decorated cookies. The artist in me has fun with it.

Yesterday, PB and I cleaned the house, we had been literally sticking to the kitchen floor. I even scrubbed the baseboards in the kitchen, the largest room in the house. Such a nice feeling after the house I really clean. Its as if it feels new again.
I love our kitchen. My bro in law even mentioned the G Word, as in Granite countertops. If PB tiles the floor (and I hate the floor its impossible to keep clean), then GMan will have granite countertops installed. And we might put a biog screen tv on the big blank wall or knock the wall out and merge the kitchen with the front living room.
Its a foggy day here in the Carolinas and I am feeling better after the beatdown Irene gave me. The thing about Irene, it never is really over. She will find a way to drag out all the old ghosts and make them howl once more. I love her daughters very dearly, and to shut her completely out would be to shut them out.
I will not speak to her, but I am sure she will make contact with me, every so often, if only to try and knock me down once more.
Its sad that those who are closest to you can always hurt the most. I think writing the letter yesterday helped me. I'm hoping she will never see it. I write alot of letters that no one sees. Its more for me than them. Its better than hanging onto your hurt and wearing it like some kind of sick badge of honor.But despite all the sad Christmas's for me, I love the holiday season. I love the decorations, the lights, the festive mood, even the awful sweaters (of course on someone else, I'm way too cool to wear one.)
This Friday I leave for Flint, MI to meet with a very high profile customer and I have to get drawings done for a big money customer, and get some actual work done.

The Rat Shit Times

2009-12-13T08:27:00.000-08:00

I think I only have one reader now and I guess I am posting this post for her and I. My ex friend sent me a mean email. It tore me up and gave me sharp tummy pains for a few days. I will not respond to her at all. Why?

Cos to respond would be like throwing gas on a fire than is almost out. I have enough to deal with. So I wrote her a letter this morning. And only one person other than me can read it. Here it is.

Irene,

I have thought much about the email you sent me. There are all kinds of things I would like to say to you. But for right now, its just not worth it.

You continually replay and relive all the wrongs that feel have been done to you. But what about the wrongs you have done to others? You think its right how you treat people?

I am done this time. I will treasure all the good memories I have of you but I will not allow you back into my life to hurt me anymore. Your children and family do not have the choice. The good part of you taught your girls compassion. They love you enough to allow the abuse you inflect. Yes it is abuse.

What makes it right for you rip my life apart and judge me? Condem me over small things like me not telling my David my real age or just how messed up my life was when we were first together? Why is it ok for you tell little white lies when you need to? Why???

Why is it ok to bash your David over and over for years?

But it is ok for Jimmy to treat me the way he did for 14 years? Yes and it was ok for Richie to treat me the way he did or Doug or Derek?

Did I deserve that? It was ok for them to cheat on me, to be mean and abusive to me? To blow their money on drugs and such and ok for me to pay all the bills?

But we are all supposed to throw you a non stop pity party cos you went through abuse?

So I see, I am not as good as you.

It was ok for me parents to treat me like a slave and use me to pay their bills and to take out all their anger and bitterness on me as a little child?

It was ok for me to do everything I could for them, at the expense of my own life, and then have them tell vicious lies about me to people?

And the thing is, I dont talk about it much. In fact, my david has knew none of it. Not a thing of the nightmares I have known. I don't care to relive it. To live that way is not a ife worth living.

But I think I see why you feel the way you do.

I see it now very clearly.

You are better than me. You always have been. In your mind I will always be the low rent white trash. It ok for me to suffer but when you suffer, we all have to stop and devote ourselves to you.

Your hurt is much more significant than mine cos you are better than me.

I was always the bum biker low rent loser friend.

When my parents died I got a few dishes, a table, and a 10 yr old cat that hated me.

You got $170,000 when your parents died plus possessions.

And you spent most of it in a year.

When I separated from Jimmy I got half of a house (that I don’t live in) with 80,000 owed on it. I got my possessions that I had paid for. I still had credit card bills. I still had to work my ass off. And now I have to help Jimmy with his bills for utilities, electric, and phone. I pay for his health insurance. And pay his medical bills. And I do not complain about it. I am happy that I can even do it.

You got a whole house with less than $40,000 owed on it, a car you did not buy, all your possessions and $20,000. And David pays you.

I work most days of the week and most hours of the day. As well as taking care of two houses, and cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family.

You do not even have to work anymore. And no, working around the house and in the yard is not the same as working for a living and you know it.

So nothing has changed in all these years, you are still Princess Irene, with everyone owing you ………..as your hurt and pain is so much more significant than anyone elses’ hurt and pain.

Stay away from me. I have suffered enough in my life. Enough suffering and pain for 10 lifetimes. But I don’t bring up everyday or every week or month or year. I go on with my life trying to make it better.

You say you can get past it as to do that would make the hurt and pain be right. So in your mind everyone has to suffer along with you and walk on eggs or else you’ll go off like a bomb.

You have no idea how horrible it can be when you are in “one of your moods.”

KNOW THIS – YOU ARE AN ABUSER. YOU DEVALUE your girls each time you throw one of your fits. You think cos you spent lots of money of them AFTER, that it means that you love them and its ok.

Humm, lets see, you throw a screaming fit that last for an hour or two, yelling horrible mean things and then buys your girls dinner or gifts or in some way spent money on them.

And that makes it ok in your eyes?

You are an abuser. You have become the very thing that you complain nonstop about.

You say I am mean and cruel? No I am not. I did lie to David about a few things and I have since told him the truth. But only a few things did I lie about.

You have no right to throw stones and judge how I live my life. No right what so ever.

And I have never judged you. Never………………If you think I have, then you are wrong or misinformed.

As for that fit you threw at the graduation? It was not justified and you humiliated your family. And yes, it was you. You did not take the higher road. You made 2 of your girls cry that day.

You enjoy making them cry. You do it all the time. That is mean and cruel.

And everyone is very tired of hearing about the how you had to live with rat shit. If that is the worst thing ever in your life………you silly spoiled bitch. Big fuckn deal. We all have ”rat shit” times in our lives. But we don’t throw screaming crying fits for 3 years after it

happened.

Good bye.

Toxic Friends

2009-12-10T06:12:00.000-08:00

Good news, pretty interesting things are happening with my career.

Bad news - My ex best friend since 1974 sent me a vicious email. over the past few years she has outed me as a friend then tried and get me back, I love ehr so I usually go back. She last outed me in May.
She is one of those people who have no filter in what they say. As family can often do, she knows how to push the right button, in my case the guilt button. She lashes out at those who love her the most as she knows she can hurt the most that way. She has no friends left. Lives in her house with her 2 youngest daughters. Lives on child support from her ex. No job. She has almost no contact with the outside world saying its the only way she can keep from being hurt.
She rants and cries on a daily basis, over things that happened in the past, as if the hurt had happened yesterday and it still fresh.

I write this as my life these days is a balancing act. Trying to keep a business going in a horrible economy, BF and ex husband laid off their jobs, trying to help the x start his own shop anf footing the bill for it, trying to keep all the bills paid, trying to keep the ex husband's head in a good place. He was very dark and suicidal this time last year.
My ex friend is threatening to get him all riled up. The poor man is 63 years old and not in good health.

I am a juggler, desperately trying to keep all the balls in the air going smoothly and have a life. And this sad sick person with nothing better, to do threatens to come and smack them all away.
I tried to break up with PB yesterday, as she threatened to tell him my true age and that my life was a real mess when he met me. So I came completely clean with him. His answer was to tell me he would never let me go. That if he could, he would marry me.

She is threatening to show up and completely fuck up my life in any way she can.

I don't get it.
I don't go round trying to mess with people's lives. if they don't want to be my friend, I let them go. I don't threaten them. Why would a person do this?

Lazy Saturday

2009-12-05T17:10:00.000-08:00

PB and I have his 11 yr old son this weekend. And we were completely lazy total. Never got out of jammies. I did completely rewrite the merchandise page on my website and finish a story and send it into Bikernet. And I made this interesting apple-cinnanamin- sausage thing for breakfast. The men layed on the couch and watched tv and youtube.
PB is now playing Guitar hero and the boy is watching vids on the itouch.

The Road to Hell?

2009-12-03T10:13:00.000-08:00

Big News. I'm getting a sorta free trip to Flint, Michigan. I guess this is a good thing. Flint, MI in Dec. Ok. The things I do for my friend and for my career. Well I've paid more for travels that turned out to be small pieces of hell.

Scary day and Sons of Anarchy

2009-12-02T07:14:00.000-08:00

Due to unforseen dramas, I may have to make my personal blog here private. So I'll need your emails to email you and make it so you can keep reading my twisted ramblings. Send me a comment with your email. It won't be published.
As for what's happening. Sons of Anarchy was brutal awesome last night. An hour and a half of the best tv there is. I have posted more about it on my other blog, the one for my shop, Crazy Horse Flames. But thank you Kurt Sutter.

In fact, I post more often there than here. The shop is busy as hell and I am so very grateful for that. I am stunned and trying to work my ass off to keep it that way. These are scary days for the self employed.
Hope all is well with everyone out there. I try and keep up with you all by reading your blogs. Chessie, you don't post often enough. I miss your posts.
Ok gotta get off my ass and in the shop.

A Weekend of Thanks

2009-11-29T06:57:00.000-08:00

It would not be Thanksgiving weekend in the Pony Girl World without some kind of drama. Thanksgiving weekend actually started on Wed for me.

I cooked up a turkey. Each year I get tired of not having a turkey as I am usually at someone else's home for dinner. Plus I wanted to make sure the ex had a turkey dinner. Got to be good ex wife. So I made a 13 lb turkey complete with french meat stuffing (hamburger and sausage with celery, onions, and spices) and bread stuffing. I also made roasted carrots and pearl onions.
Thursday morn I took Jack his dinner, then PB and I went to his dad's for meal #1. It was quite wonderful. Lots of good food and conversation.

After that PB and I went up to the lake to winterize the cabin's plumbing. Plus there were things we needed up there, like my smoker and the ladder. Looking out across the lake it was hard to say goodbye. There will not be any more lake weekend until spring. Sure we can ride up there anytime but I want to get alot of work done this winter. In my little dream world, I want to take off 2 months next summer. So we will be busy ants this winter instead of lazy grasshoppers.
We loaded up the Jeep and headed for PB's mom house for dinner #2. Another nice meal and family time.

Friday and Saturday were sort of work days. We did do alot of motorcycle riding. Then last night we went to see Trans Siberian Orchestra with PB's mom. We met her in the Post Office parking lot where she would leave the car she was driving and ride into the city with us. She was driving her hubby's most prized possession, his very sweet mint condition Corvette and she was nervous as hell about it. (Can you see where this is going?)
We get half way to the concert and she remembers she forgot to lock the Vette. She was that nervous. So I turn around, drive back and

we lock the car. Then drove into the city.
The concert was simply wonderful. Better than last year I think. The music is incredible at a TSO concert but the visuals are absolutely unreal. Its worth going just for that. So we leave the show, its a beautiful night in the city. And drive back to the suburban post office.
The parking lot is empty. No Vette.
PB"s poor mom is almost in tears. Now this is one sweet lady. She is so harmless. It made me feel so bad for her.
We see a sign that says any car left there will be towed. We did not notice this sign when we got there first. I am praying the car got towed. We call the police and sure enough the car was towed. Towed one hour after we left it there. We try and call the tow company, of course there is answer.
So we drive her home. She's a wreck.Sitting there feeling so very bad.
As of now we have not heard anything like if the car is still in mint condition. Actually after reading the News of what is happening over the weekend to other people in the country, having a Corvette towed ain't shit.

Today my tasklist includes riding the sportster to Target in search of holiday lights and paper towels. And spend time in the shop working. Then put up the holiday lights. Then tonight, I must do some actual work related writing.
Hope everyone had a drama free holiday weekend.

A Gas Can and a Turkey=The Best Thanksgiving Ever

2009-11-25T05:44:00.001-08:00

Most people have a memory of Thanksgiving day that stands apart from all the others. There's just
just something about it...some kind of etheral mystic feeling that brands it into your brain.

For me, its memories of waking up to peacefully falling snow, children laughing, a 5 gallon can of gasoline, screaming and crying, and death. As I was putting the turkey in the marinading brine this morning, I could not help but think back to that day.
I was up in Connecticut, a beautiful place to spend the winter holidays. I had brought my best friend's kids up there as their grandfather was dying and their mom wanted them to be there to say goodbye. It was deathwatch at that house. Her dad was dying and all they could do was to try and make him comfortable (impossible) and not drown in their own sorrows during those long hours. The two sisters took turns being with him. My friend had the nightwatch. her children were staying a motel down the road.

I was at my brother's house during the day. I had left there Wed night to go spend the night with the kids at the motel. I had shopped that night for Thanksgiving dinner, buying everything. Not that I could afford it, but I wanted to do it. I was all excited about these new recipes I wanted to make. Including soaking the turkey in a wine brine marinade. After I was done, I happily drove away into the night, to the motel, foolishly believing everything would be ok.

It was a fun night in that motel room. Laughing with the kids, watching their goofy shows on MTV, stuff I don;t normally watch.
We awoke to a snowy world and went outside to play in th eparking lot, throwing snowballs, laughing.
I felt so good, it was like being high, driving along through the pure snowy landscape. A place whre it looked like nothing could go wrong.
I arrived at my bro's house and he was alone with the kids. There had been high drama. Too godawful ong to get into here. But soon she walked through the door. And there was talk of restraining orders, crying, yelling, and a 5 gallon can of gasoline and a match.

It was a wonerful way to start Thankgiving morning.

So i did what most New England women would do, I began cooking. My bro stood over me yelling that 'why was I bothering to cook when the house would soon be burning down?'
But I paid him no mind and kept at it, making the stuffing, stuffing the turkey, putting it all in the oven. Preparing the roasted carrots and onions with fresh thyme. Shutting out the drama unfolding behind me.
I even made homemade gravy and mashed potatoes.
I spent the rest of the day giving my older godson a ride on the atv, climbing the hills in the woods, both of us laughing and screaming. it was a blast.
We finally all sat down to dinner later. A perfectly roasted turkey, fluffy potatoes piled in a bowl, roasted veggies still steaming, bowls full of rich gravy, hot rolls, butter, cranberry sauce, it looked like something out of Martha Stewart.

My bro proclaimed it was the best Thanksgiving ever.

My friend's dad died that night. And we buried him a few days later, on a gray drizzlely day. And then I drove the kids back down south to where we live.

For me, Thanksgiving has always been a bittersweet holiday. The good and bad. Family appiness and drama. I guess I'm just used to it.

My advice for Thanksgiving hellish situations? Just keep on cooking. Just maybe that 5 gallon can of gasoline will not meet up with the match and you'll get to have a wonderful dinner.

The F Word

2009-11-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

Looking out the kitchen window I may have figured out why I feel such a sense of peace here. A forest of tall, beautiful hardwoods stand about 20 feet from the house. To look out this window, is like looking out of the window from my old homes in Connecticut. Places like Marlborough, Glastonbury, Guilford. It brings me that eternal sense of peace, that only a childhood home can bring one.

Right now the leaves are off the trees and you can see endlessly into the gray woods. Bits of fall colors, burnt orange and brown scattered throughout the landscape. My shop set into the fringe of these woods. 15 feet from the back porch steps.

The thing about peace is that it is so fleeting. Some horrific event may happen at any minute and blow you right into the middle of the shitstorm. But for today, Sunday, I sit on the couch. PB and his son on the other couch. A gray ghost sky outside.

I'll most likely get some work done today. Get an early start on the week. Holidays come too soon.

Lately I've been thinking about how much my life has changed in the past year. A year ago, changes coming in my life at a stomach churning pace. Not knowing how I would get through it all. Relentlessly slogging forward, hoping somehow....it would all work out. Back then, FEAR was the word of the day. I tried not to pay attention to that feeling, but it was always there, creeping in from the edges. A constant reminder of how fragile my existence was at that time.

FEAR.

I've spent so much of my life with that word hanging over me, coloring my world. My life.

Fear of what? Fear that loved ones may get deathly ill. Fear that i would not have money to pay bills. Fear that I would not have a place to live. Fear that I may screw up in my work. Fear of the repercussions of the screwing up. Fear of letting people down.

I think many women are ruled by fear, as in fear we don't look good enough, so we buy tons of shit (makeup, clothes, plastic surgery, ect) that we think makes us look better.

Fear that our spouse doesn't love us. Which was one of my biggest fears this time last year.

But my man does love me and very much. And love goes a long way in keeping all the other fears away. Women carry alot on their shoulders. So you men who are reading this, if you are wondering why your woman (if indeed they are) is bitchy or grumpy or silent or whatever. Make sure she know you love her. Tell her in words and actions. It works real good on me.

Pictures from our trip.

2009-11-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

The Whole "Happy" thing

2009-11-18T18:02:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm just not used to being happy. Always waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Maybe its an indian thing. Its the way I was raised.
But these days I am quite happy. And very slowly, I am getting used to it. I remember the days 20 years ago, driving home on those cold northern winter nights from the HD dealer after finishing a job or working with them on a job. Seeing the warm lights on in the houses in the woods and the Christmas lights. thinking how wonderful it must be to live there. All warm and happy.
Tough times. Cold days. Long nights in the shop. For too many years.
So its hard to trust when things are good. I can be so very thankful for my life these days.

I'm Back

2009-11-16T07:22:00.000-08:00

We're back from Vegas and it was a wild, extremely hectic week. Fun? Yeah sort of. But very stressful. Business is business. One of the most vivid memories I brought home with me, was the parting words of the GF of one of the most high profile custom shop in the world. She gave me a hug goodbye and said, "I just pray things get better at our shop. I can only hope it does."

It was very sobering and made me so thankful for all we have.

I got home and we have been working ever since. last week was weird as we got home and only had a half week to work. Plus the strain of going for 8 days with little sleep at full throttle took its toll. We're all rested up and this week will be very full. In fact, I won't be blogging much.

That woman's words will stay with me all winter. Scary days in the custom m/c business.

And if that's not enough, reading Cyril's blog this morning was even more of a wake up call. I am so thankful for my customers and their support.

Halloweenin'

2009-10-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

A little girl I used to know (who is now a very worldly 22 going on 40, yr old), used to say the cutest things. She would not go trick or treating, she'd say she was going "halloweening." She also had mall shoes, shoes you'd wear only to the mall. Too cute. Ya gotta embrace that age cos too all too soon, your IQ suddenly drops and you become stupid and uncool.
Two weeks ago me and the godsons did our pumpkin thing, results are seen in the above picture.
I haven't had time to write much, as PB and I are getting ready to go to the big yearly trade show in Vegas. We leave Monday morning. I am displaying a bike at one booth there plus working at another booth.
So we've been going like hamsters frantically running in a wheel, trying to get ready for the show, AND get out two big projects before we leave, and I have to finish designs for another customer, and have work loaded into my laptop, as I have to work on 3 designs on the plane trip.
I have one customer picking up a project this afternoon and my real big project leaves tomorrow. (God I hope so!!! Please come and get this thing!!)
And my oldest godson turns 11 today and we are expected at my brother's for cake promptly at 1 pm today or the bro will do his best imitation of Paul Sr on a bad day. (I hate that show BTW.)
So PB is napping peacefully on the couch. His bro is watching SciFi. I'm getting ready to play with Photoshop until cake time. Then its time to put the final touches on the project until the customer comes to pick it up.
Still have to pack for Vegas and not forget anything essential like my business cards, decide just what I will do to entertain the crowds at the booth, and the most important thing of all! Pick out jeans that actually fit my temporarily enormously sized ass. 50 pairs of jeans and 5 sorta fit.
Tomorrow is finish packing the bags, do final cleanup on the big project, and meet with the customer who hopefully pays me with a smile on his face.
AND, I did finally get my hair done yesterday, no nappy salt is visible, just silken strands of ashe brown and blonde. But if it gets wet, it will again resemble frizzy steel wool. And the forecast is for showers until Monday morning.
PB only has to pack a few pairs of jeans and his hair always looks good. Frickin' men. Lucky suckers!

Girl On a Motorcycle

2009-10-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

It was cold as hell last Sunday. Beautiful fall colors, sunny, but frickin ass cold. So of course I go riding. It was first time I had ridden since July when I broke my hand. And the first time I had ridden the chopper since May. And I'm still fat as hell, so the leather pants were not even an option. I got out the chaps and PB tried to help me get them on. Now the chaps were custom made for me over 25 years ago when I was a bright and sunny 20 yr old. I weighed 105 and worked out all the time. I am now 45+ and I haven't seen 105 lbs in over 20 years.
PB tried to get the zippers all the way, and shook his head and said, "Poor baby, I think the chaps shrunk."
But I got them fuckers up and off we went. See I had to go ride cos Barbie rode up from FLA for a visit. Don't get me wrong, I love riding. I live to ride at times. I'll ride hard all. And not that bar to bar nonsense. Rain, whatever, I'm riding.
Barb of course did not bring any cold weather clothes being a Florida beach bunny and all.
So we get all leathered up and off we go. And as the sporty is over at Jack's, I had to ride the chopper. But I really did want to ride it. That bike is a kick in the ass to ride.
So we rode up the lake. We stopped at Red Robin for lunch and warmed up before we hit the interstate. The chopper was made for the highway. It does not like running under 45. And I had to keep slowing up for PB and Barb.
So you know how when you are riding in the cold weather, all you can think about, it how good it will feel to get to your destination and WARM UP. Well we were going to the cabin at the lake and there's no heat there. So we go out to dock and sunshine, and we were still denied, as there was this cold ass wind blowing. We're standing there, froze to the bone. It sucked, And PB comes up with the idea to start a fire.
Hell yes!!
And we were warm. There was even graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars in the cabin. Yeah! Smmores!!!!
We sat by the fire, ate smmores, and gazed out over the fall beauty of the lake while being warm as toast. It was a slice of heaven.
Now in the old days, meaning until now, every time Barb and I go someplace we always wait till late to leave to go back home. This has, of course led to some insane nighttime adventures in which we are usually wet, cold and riding for hours in the dark. Despirately crouching by the motors, warming up at gas stops.
We laugh about it now, but forget how hellish it felt at the time.
I look over at the sun, which was pretty low in the sky. PB and Barb are warm by the fire.
I say its time to go. They want to stay longer. Nope, no frickin way i am getting home in the dark. I am so adiment about this, that despite the protests, we trade the cozy warmth of the fire for the hour's worth of deep freeze of the road. We put out the fire and leave.
We get back to the Chopper Compound just as the sun sets.
Hell yes, it did feel good to not get home in the frickin dark!

Ghost Day

2009-10-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

Rainy days are great days for working on art. Maybe because on sunny days, you seem to notice how the day passes, seeing the sun race across the sky. But on cloudy days, the light doesn't change. Its always the same.
I call them ghost days, the day goes by slower, with an almost surreal feeling. Days like this, I like to turn the phone ringer off. Light candles, escape into the day and my art.
But today started at the lake. Not at my shop.
We'd had a whole weekend at the lake planned out. But family Drama Saturday morning put an abrupt hold on things. It was stressful for me and after weeks of shop stress, my insides are not handling any stress too good. PB and I talked it out and decided to go to the lake anyway. I know for certain family members, the lake is not too fun. There is no Internet, no YouTube, no tv. Its a 10 by 16, 30 yr old cabin set into huge hardwoods, on a high point overlooking the biggest lake in the state. The views are incredible. Ivy covered terraces drop down to a dock and a screened gazebo. If you're into swimming, boating, reading, relaxing in peace and quiet, then the lake kicks ass. If not, you're SOL.
My kitchen is a flat spot in front of the cabin, cooking over a charcoal grill or wood fire. I love it. Our place at the lake is like camping but with a cabin to sleep in.
So we get up there late Saturday afternoon with the boat. I swim, even tho the water is getting too cold for it. I grill up some NY strip steak and veggies. PB relaxes and fishes from the dock. The weather was kind of nasty, cloudy and windy. But I still went for a late night row on the lake. I got tired of fighting the wind after an hour and came back to the dock to find PB cuddling with the Z dog. I moved her over and cuddled with him. The 3 of us, up on a lounge chair.
PB did caught a little catfish Saturday night. Zoey went nuts, She wanted that fish! She was ready to jump in the water after PB set it loose. She spent the rest of the weekend, bugging PB to catch another fish. Howling, yipping and jumping around whenever he would mess with his fishing rig.
Sunday morning, we rode in the boat to breakfast, then went to Zoey Island so the Z girl could run sans lease or any kind of confinement. She got 2 hours of running free and acting silly. It was just a beautiful sun shiny day.
I love looking at the houses on the lake. Little fishing shacks next to multi million $ mansions. Who are these people who live in these palaces? So many of these enormous mega piles sitting empty. Windows curtained up, covers on the lawn furniture. Everything all buttoned up all nice and neat. Not a soul in sight. I mean, what do they do to afford that much house and only use it once or twice a month?
I never get tired of looking at the lakeside. So many interesting things to see and wonder about.
After the island outing, I went swimming. One guy who was boating asked me if it was too cold to swim. I said, almost. After swimming, I cooked grilled veggies, noodles and shrimp Sunday night. It was very yummy. Then I went for a nighttime row.
We woke up this morning to a cloudy sky. I made steak sandwiches for breakfast and started packing up. I put on my swimsuit but totally wimped out and went for a row instead. I made it across the cove and into another cove and was having a total fun time of it, looking at life going on at the lake shore. I started exploring the far end of Blue Heron cove when the rain hit. I rowed to a dock and hid out under the walkway. PB called me and asked if I needed rescued. I had hoped the rain would ease up but no dice.
So he comes to get me with the boat. I bring the raft onto the boat and then we take off, but have to go back for the ladder which fell off the boat. This guy on the shore is giving us this nasty look, like who the hell are we disturbing the peace in his cove, dropping ladders and such. We are now lake/boat and lake/boat people wave at other lake/boat people. We waved at him. He did not wave back.
It was full on rain as we packed up the truck, closed the cabin, and got the boat out of the water.
We got back to town and went to the bank, only to find that it is one of those fake holidays, when the bank is closed but everyone else still has to work. Unless of course you work at a backwoods motorcycle shop.
We grabbed a Quiznos, got home and are currently under a fleece blanket. I started up the heater in the shop and soon will be out there. maybe ANTM will be on tv. Now that would be perfect.
PB is sleeping at one end of the blanket, a handsome hunk of man. The Z Girl dry and warm next to the couch.
Bad news? We broke the boat. Massive crack in the back by the motor mount. Was it there before? Don't think so. We didn't hit anything.
So I start up my computer to find that the motorcycle world has gone on in my absence. Cyril posting on his blog, keeping everyone current. Good old Cyril.
30 years in my m/c business. Of course if we won the lotto, the shop would be closed in a heartbeat and we'd be full time lake people. Of course there'd be a wicked chopper waking up the neighbors every now and then.
But here its the real world and money must be made. So into the shop I go, a week of ghost days ahead.
Then next weekend, Hurricane Barb makes landfall on her road king.

Love and Happiness

2009-10-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

So Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Lets hope he keeps working towards those kind of goals. Anyhow I saw the headline and thought of peace and hope, and that went into Love and happiness, and that puts me in the mood for Al Green. He has a song, Love and Happiness.
Oh yes, smooth 70's soul music.

Waiting for stuff to be ready for more work so a few spare moments.

Been mt biking in the morning and hiking in the evening. Going to the lake tomorrow until Sunday. I'll workout like a crazy women, swimming and rowing there Sat and Sun. Gotta have this bod ready for Vegas and it ain't easy with PB tempting me with chips and salsa at 9pm. I did not deny. I'm going be hardcore. No more carbs after 2 pm. I need to start doing core stuff.

Watched a show about the Hippie movement yesterday. brought back lots of memories. Funny seeing older folks that look like ads for AARP and they were hippies in the 60's, all young and free.

Meeting Lyn and the BF today for endless shrimp. We love endless shrimp. The men will attend too. They don't want to.

Almost done with the big project. PB is prepping next week's projects. Then a dude called from Afghanistan and it looks like I'll get his project. And a check is coming for last month's project. I think I'll work tonight.

Oh and shit yes, I'll be getting up at 6 am tomorrow morning for sure. I want to be in the shop at 7 am. WHY? My favorite show, America's Next Top Model is doing a all day marathon and I'm gonna miss most of it. Gotta leave for the lake at 12. The marathon starts at 8am. I do the best work when that show is on.
I don't care what I'm doing, but I'll be in that shop working tomorrow morning pre lake.

Raining and Sons

2009-10-06T05:16:00.000-07:00

Its still raining here. I left the heater on in the shop so I would wake up to a warm shop. Its really no longer summer. Working on a t bucket today. PB will work on insulating the sporty shed.

And its Sons tonight. Yeah! 10 pm, the house stops and watches FX.

The picture? It was taken in 1982. Those were my cars, a 66 and 69 Mustang. Both were hot rodded. The 66 had a 302 with 289 heads and the 69, had a 351 Cleveland Cobra Jet motor. Wowza! These days I have hot rod bikes, not cars. The good old days? In some ways they were. Too bad ny bf was such an idiot back then. We could of had the world by the balls. Or at least came came close.

O a confession, my other favorite show these days? America's Next Top Model. My daughter in law got me hooked on that one. Bad assed biker chick who watches ANTM? I guess I'm not so bad anymore. I could say I am old, but I feel like a kid. PB and I do that to one another. Two people starting their lives over. We bring out the vitality in each other.

Ok now to make breakfast and get in the shop. Shower night last night. PB and I are all fresh smelling and curly headed. It is so hard to get out of bed when that man is next to me.

A Month of Quickies

2009-10-05T15:16:00.000-07:00

I need to blog, it kind of keeps me sane but time is so crunched. By the time I am done for the day, around 9pm, I have nothing left. I can only lay on the couch and whine for PB to nuture me. Which he does.
The picture is of my new shop one year ago. Imagine fitting 5 or 6 bikes in it.

So here goes.

1) My niece Lyn called me this morning. I love it when she starts a conversation with, "I don't really remember what happened, we were drinking and ..........." The next thing said is usually not real good. And at age 24, there is no telling her anything, but I still try. Oh to be young and forceful. I was supposed to see her today but my work is too busy. So we will hook up for endless shrimp at Red Lobster and maybe do some hiking after wards on Friday.

2)I see a steam cloud rising from our field last week during the morning. Turns out to be a big ass hole. Old well? Old Gold Mine (there is one less than a mile away)? naturally occurring underground cavern? We did some digging Sunday and found lots of giant old trees buried. The hole goes down about 6-7 ft? And its huge. Looks to be someone filled a giant deep pit with a bunch of trees and then covered it with dirtabolut 20 years ago. Humm. We were hoping it to be an old gold mine. I don't think so. But then, who dug that hole and why? I am that sucker is deep.

3) For a house of bikers, we don't do much riding these days, but lots of working on bikes. Its hard working with PB full time. I try not to get on his nerves. Its hard to trust someone to work with them full time and be with them. I can't always look cute when I'm working.
I still have a hard time believing that this wonderful man is mine. I'll be working and look at hime and think, wow, is this real?

4) Times are scary, with the ex and PB out of work, lots of respociblity on me. But I've been sleeping at night.

5) PB and I went into town saturday night. We had fun grocery shopping and then ordered italian food and waited for it, watching the cars go by and then playing Galaga. We love doing simple things. We bought pumpkins for out little halloween display.

6) The new sporty shed is coming along. PB reinforced the walls, installed lighting and outlets, put in shelves along one end with a workbench on top and is reinforcing the doors with new locks and such. And of course is insulating the shed. It is so awesome to have our bikes nice and clean in the new shed and not getting covered with work dirt in the shop.

7) And the leaves are turning red. I remember last year, so caught up in my new relationship, loving and embracing every moment of life. Work? What was that? At the time I had no idea I would be here a year later, living full time in this house. It was only a day dream. But here I am. And this is now my home. Its still not really my home. My things are mostly at my old house. Little by little I bring over things that compliment this house and fit with PB things. Little by little I trust this man more and more. My #1 worries these days are about work, business things. Last year my #1 worry was my relationship with PB. But now, I'm trying to get to that balance of work life and homelife.

8) As for the what's going on in the m/c world. I keep up a little. I lived the m/c world, 24-7 for too many years.

Balance. Its what I crave.

Sons And Quickes

2009-09-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

A few minutes to write before I do my morning 6 mile mt bike ride. It sucks sometimes having two shops. I do some things at one shop and other things at the other. They are 10 miles apart, takes about 13 minutes to travel between them.
Work at one my shop here then I'll go the other shop and do something else. Then back here. Plus I like for Jack to have his own space there and now that he is there all the time, he doesn't get that always.
PB likes being outside working for me on projects and he's such a good worker. Plus we live in such a beautiful place. Our work area is backed by endless hardwoods. So pretty with the sun shining through them.
It would be pretty peaceful too, but PB is a metalhead and he loves his music.

This time of year is so wonderful. The picture is from my other shop, taken a few years ago.

And it is 30 days before the big yearly trade show. So no lake this coming weekend. Lots of work to be done. Kinda like biker build off with the projects and pressure but no annoying Hugh King to deal with. What people watching those shows don't understand is how much it really sucked working under that pressure. It is not fun, more like hell.
Yeah, its fun when its finally over. Hell dental surgery would feel good after that. Ask a builder who was on tv how much fun it really was.
Anyhow, trade shows are a big deal.
1) Your work must be prominently displayed in a big deal booth. (Check.)

2) You must network with the right people and get sponsorships and deals. ( Won't know till after show.) So you have to be prepared to meet everyone and say the right things.

3) be really prepared, samples of your work ready to pull out and be easily seen. (working on it.)

4) I have to look good. Its very different for women in this business. You have to LOOK successful. That means thin, pretty, sharp, professional with a bit of natural appearing edginess. You are on display too. ( Working on it. My cookie intake has been cut way down.)

5) Have all the travel stuff and registration stuff ready for your entourage. Yes I have an entourage. We are a scruffy bunch, but my buds have cool stuff there, and it helps to show potential sponsors, look at this cool hot rod. It helps to show I have cool friends in that town. I love my friends and I'm lucky to have them there for me.

6) I don't have sponsorship for the show this year. I have sponsorship for a bike in the show, but I am not bringing the bike. So my way there is not paid. I am lucky to have friends who will help me out with a place to stay and such but this year for the first time, I have to arrange my own travel. (not yet completed)

6)And there is still lots of regular work to do. Waiting for long distance customers to approve completed work and PAY for it. Bills that need paid. Got to break into my savings to pay bills until someone pays their bill. The pleasuredome of self employment goes on. (never completed.)

So its not that bad working in such a nice place. Plus the whole Halloween/fall excitement. Started decorating, made a corn stalk display with hay bales, decorated with purple and orange light. Got to spend an afternoon with my godsons making jack o lanterns very soon.

Watched Sons on Tuesday. We are so hooked on that show. The writing is so good and very true to life as I know all too well.

Ok PB is still a beautiful, sleepy storm still in bed, time to make his coffee, my tea, put the Z Girl out and get my fat ass on that mt bike. Maybe do battle with the asshole Rottweiler down the street. Then work here at the Sportster Compound all day. I'm ready.

Life

2009-09-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

Who knows what life really is? We rush around like ants, from place to place as if our lives depended on it. Make that money, pay those bills. And what is it all for?
Comon, really? We have big screen tvs, 3000 sq ft homes, fancy cars, and tremedous debt for many. We lives from email to email, dreading so many things.
My ex, Jack, beat cancer 2 years ago. With cancer you live from test result to test result. You try not to think about the reality.
The reality of what life really is NOT. Life is not infinate. There's a timer on it and we seldom think about it.
We are so programmed for the destination that we forget that life is a journey. Its not about "once I make x amount of $$ or once I get that promotion or once I have a child." Its about what is happening while you try and achieve those things.
That's why I love our time at the lake. The lake is all about NOW. What is happening now. In that exact place and time.
We had a weekend at the lake all planned out. And it looked to be rainy, so instead we stayed here at the country compound. So instead I'm gonna relive the last visit to the lake here on my blog.

The view from the porch of the cabin in the morning.

Looking down at the dock. We cleared alot of overgrowth away. 2 months ago, you could barely see the shoreline.

The mist on the water.

The gazebo, we spend most of our time in here.

Zoey loves to help PB fish.

PB driving the boat.

This is the house we want to built someday at our place. My dream house.

Z Girl playing on her island. SZhe annoyed everyone there and eventually had the island to herself.

Zoey christens Zoey Island.

PB and the Z Girl in the hammock area. I got this hammock over 10 years ago and never hung it up. PB found it a home.

The view from the hammock. Oh yes, this is living.

The view from the kitchen while cooking breakfast.

Another Sunday morning.

Sell Your Old Gold for Big Cash!!!

2009-09-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah sure. Most of my stuff was 10 kt gold, some 14 kt. But the heavy stuff was 10. PB had a few 14 kt pieces. In the end I had about 1 and 1/2 oz of 10 and 14 and walked away with $220. PB for about $180. But he kept out a 10 kt necklace and bracelet are have never been worn and are like new. They would have only given him $98 for them, and for that, he might as well kept them. He did give up his old wedding ring and I guess that meant something, as he's been divorced 7 years and kept it all this time.

Tomorrow is the big day, the new bike shed is being built. I can't wait!!! All our bikes lined up and space completely devoted to bikes and riding gear. Helmets hung on the wall. I know the guys will turn it into a little HD shop complete with neon signs. PB is already planning a 16 X 12 leanto off the back to keep his '67 firebird in. He's had the car since high school. It runs but needs lots of TLC. We'll build the lean to in the next few months. We already have most of the wood for it.
So I am pumped about the shed and that means more room in my "office" out back! It can be all workspace. PB and his bro can have their hangout down the hill and I have the building in the woods. PB and I will work in it together and there will be room for us both, But now we'll both have space to do things on our own. A couple should have time away from each other. Being together 24/7 is not always a good thing.
Plus I think it will be very good for him to spend time on his Firebird. That car has alot more potential than he wants to admit.

The ex Jack, is doing well now that he is unemployed. he's completely cleaned out and remodeled his shop at home. It looks great. Yesterday he built new supports to hold up the roof on the very badly sagging barn in back. He's got a good attitude these days which is way better than he was doing this time last year. It makes me happy to see him feeling good. I'm hoping he gets some work into his shop next month and I'm pretty sure that will happen.

When I got home last night, PB was so sweet to me. I guess he feels better now that he's got a little extra money and can pay his bills. I look at him, those eyes and my heart melts all over again each time. To think that beautiful, sweet, sweet man is mine.

If this is how the rest of my life is going to be, it was worth all those years I spent in hell.

Getting Rich Quick

2009-09-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

heading out to the backyard office. It is actually in the backyard. A small shed maybe 13 X 18. So much has changed since I first saw that shed. I look at my man, where I now live, what my life is like, and I am still amazed and thankful. No I am not rich with money. We don't live in a McMansion. We live in a small modular home on a deadend gravel road. There's a beautiful field we have and hardwoods in the back that stretch on forever. We wake up most mornings smiling and start to cuddle. Our lives are not perfect, far from it. But we are happy with what we have and deal with problems as they come.
Went over to my brother's last night. I feel sorry for him at times. He has so much and is so ignorant of what fact. He spends his life, whining about what he doesn't have. I really feel bad for my godsons. What a terrible example he sets. Glass half full programming.

And of course, we watched the Sons last night. Sons of Anarchy is like the Vrod. I did not want to like it. But I do. Hated the VRod, thought it was even uglier than the Buell. Then I rode one and have been craving one ever since.
I wanted to hate the Sons. I seldom watch "biker" tv shows. I have watched them and they just make me feel ill. I won't even get into how much I hate OCC, other than to say, they are an insult to all the real bike builders there are out there and maybe when Paul Sr dies I'll go dance on his grave. I have been on tv a few times and many of my friends have and I know all too well the real "reality" of those shows. So I had an attitude yet still watched an episode of Son's last year.

I was hooked. It is so well written. And as I used to hang with a club many years ago, I knew the show was pretty accurate in what it depicted. My brother even flew a patch for a number of years. He doesn't get FX but I think he would like it too.

Tonight is the gold party. Humm I wonder just how much I'll really get for my old gold?

Ok time to make the donuts.

I wish I had a donut or two. Chocolate covered with vanilla cream. But no donuts until late Oct.

Quickie

2009-09-22T15:45:00.000-07:00

Its the first of fall, my favorite season. So many wonderful memories of falls past. Something renewing about fall. The air feels fresh and crisp. More later.

Updates

2009-09-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

Well PB HD loan account has been credited for the service contract amount. Yea!

And we did hear from the family member who had not called. Turns out there was a very good reason for what was happening. We did get to go visit and most of the family got together and it was all very wonderful.

PB and I had a talk last night. I was not happy about something. Its funny what age does to a person. It seems after years of putting up with bs from whoever my current spouse it, I can no longer deal with anything that might hurt me.
So poor PB, he doesn't get cut much slack. But the good news is, it really seems that no matter what, this man wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I have given him multiple chances to go his own way, to find someone else. And he only wants me. So I am happy and I am allowing myself to feel secure in our relationship.

We had made plans to go to the mts and ride this past weekend. But it looked like it would rain and PB had enough of riding in the rain when we went to WV a few months ago. Plus with him not working, it didn't seem like the best time to spend $100 plus per night in the B&B we had reserved. So we posponed the trip. Maybe we'll go next month. See the leaves the change. maybe I'll even fit into my cold weather riding clothes. I am getting serious about the weight losss. I have a big trade show coming up in Nov. And I need to make some good business connections. And yes, appearence does make a difference when you are a woman in business.
Say what you like. But I have seen it time and time again.

And lastly I am trying to pay off my credit card balances. So Wed night I am going to a gold selling party. I have about 2 ozs of gold and 2 ozs of silver to sell. I'll use whatever I get to pay on the credit cards. It will be interesting to see what I ACTUALLY get paid for the gold. $1000 an oz? I wish.

And on Friday, a new storage shed for the motorcycles and gear, is being built. I'll be able to keep my 2 bikes in it and of course PB's sporty and his brother's sporty. His brother being a very good brother, ordered this shed. It was getting really crowded in the old shop.
Its funny, I wasn't really looking for a boyfriend last year yet I found PB ....and...step children...and a brother... who buys me very nice gifts and is very supportive even to the point of providing a nice clean place for all our motorcycles.
I didn't just get a boyfriend, I got a family. I am coming to love my new family. My new life. I'm not dissing my old life, it just wasn't what I needed for my soul.

Comfort Sounds

2009-09-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

This picture of my niece Lyn. It was taken some years ago and displays the general theme of this blog entry. I do have news about the whole HD loan thing and about the family member who we thought was dissing us. But its Sunday and it got me to thinking.

My beautiful man is sleeping on the couch right next to me. The sound of a football on tv drifts through the house. What a wonderfully comforting sound. People talk about comfort food. Foods from our childhood that help us to feel that healing sensation that takes us back to those days of "innocence", before we became jaded and aware of the harsh realities of life. For me foods like Shepherd's pie, fish sticks, and those stuffed clams that come in the frozen packages, are my favorite childhood food. But what about comfort sounds?

Sunday were always special days in my parents' home. Either a football game or car race would be on tv. My dad sitting in his chair watching it. My mom in the kitchen cooking or reading the paper. Sundays were a day of family and renewal. Getting ready to start a new week of life, hoping against hope that this week would be better than the last.
So this morning had started with PB and I in bed spooning and cuddling. Running my fingers through the hair on his chest, amazed at how lucky I am to have him. I went to pick up Z Girl from the ex and then went grocery shopping.
I got home and started to prepare a very intense version of Shepherd's pie. PB had the Falcons game on. And I realised how good and healing it all felt. PB listening to the game and the sounds of pots and pans and cooking in the kitchen. Comfort sounds. A lazy Sunday. We had planned on working but PB asked if I minded if he watched some of the game. He's been watching the insides of his eyelids for over an hour now. But that's ok, men napping on the couch, football game on tv, Shepherd's pie baking in the oven. Renewing oneself for the coming week, that's what Sundays are for.

Sad face

2009-09-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

I am sad as PB has a family member that is in the area for a few days. And he has not yet heard from this person. This person told PB that they would call. This person lives far away. PB loves this person very much.
It makes me sad for PB and his family, that this person who everyone looked so forward to seeing, is not calling anyone here.
There is nothing I can do for this kind sweet man who is outside working. Only be there for him. I can't make his pain go away.

Paradise

2009-09-18T06:40:00.000-07:00

Now for an update on the square PB is doing with the HD dealer. or rather the dance they are doing with him.
Torch said we should speak the dealership's general manager. Problem is, there has not been one for atleast 5 years.
Remember the scandal with Merrill Lynch? How their execs lived large with $35,000 toilets, I mean, commodes while the company tanked? That's how it is at this particular dealership. Long story short, the owners lived like movie stars, seldom coming by the dealership. Crying about hiow they were losing money and no one could get a raise. They could barely afford to keep the doors open. meanwhile they were buying vacation condos, $150,000 sports cars, boats, taking trips every month to Europe, Alaska, Hawaii, spa trips, buying each other $10,000 gifts. All of this was charged to the dealership as business expenses to entertain clients, even luxurious home improvements turning all their homes into places Madonna would live. None of which had anything to do with the business.
Meanwhile their employees can barely pay their bills, each one leaving for better paying jobs until there is a complete turnover of new employees every few months. Yet to ask for a raise is to be yelled at and threated with loss of job.
Plus the owners told their people that anyone has problems they has better work it out themselves. If the owners had to come in to deal with anything, that person would get fired. But one could make a desision. So in a sense the dealership runs itself with most of the day to day things being done by people who have been employed there less than a year who make little more than minimun wage.
With jobs being scarce there are about 3 people work there that have been there more than a year. All of the mechanics have less than a year of employment there.
So little by little the dealership tanks and the owners are angry as the can't understand why they can't keep spending for their lifestyle and that they actually have to go there occassionally. So they take it out on the employees who must be doing something to cause them, the owners such distress.

PB did not hear from the dealership and hsi calls were not returned. He did finally talk to the finance "guy" who told him yesterday that the check had finally been signed and that "it was in the FEDEx box" as we speak.

Fun and Games with Harley Davidson Financing

2009-09-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

Picture it, June 2009. handsome man, PB, walks into the HD dealership and buys a 1999 1200 sporty. He goes to finish the paperwork for the financing and the person sells him a 4 year service contract for $1300, which is added to the loan. 3 weeks later, PB gets a letter from the service company informing him that his bike is a year too old to be eligible for the service contract.

This is news. He has not heard a thing from the dealership. So he calls them. They tell him that as soon as the service company sends them a check for the $1300, they'll send it to the finance company. Weeks go by. Now its over two months after the purchase. Meanwhile PB is paying interest on the $1300 which is still on his HD loan. No word from the dealership. PB calls the dealership. A new person is in charge of the financing dept and he'll call PB back. This does not happen.

So PB rides down there. The new guy, a very slippery character, who has quite the reputation and could give sacks of shit a bad name, tells PB that he had been meaning to call him, as PB has to fill out some paperwork. He tells PB that the service company sent the check for $1300 a month ago, but he had been waiting for PB to come in, huh? I guess the novelty of a courtesy phone call had not occurred to him. So snakeboy types a piece of paper and it says that PB has cancelled the service contract.

HUH?

PB makes him retype it to say that the bike had not been eligible. So PB signs it and Snakey tells him that he'll take the paper upstairs so the person that write checks can write a check, they'll send it to the financing company, tells PB that he can leave and he'll call him. PB says he'll wait right there for him to come back down and show him the proof that the check was written and then sent to the finance company.

So shitheel returns with the check but says that the person who SIGNS the checks is not there and as soon as he gets back, he'll sign the check and shitty will send it. PB has now been at the dealership for 3 hours. he waits longer and the check signer has not returned. So he leaves. Shitty tells him that he'll call him tomorrow and let him know that the check was signed and sent in.

So today, its about 4 pm, no call from the dealership. PB calls, and what a surprise, he gets Shitty's voice mail. Its now 8 pm and no call.

What a way to run a company. if anyone from HD is reading this,

Attention : This is the reason people say nasty things about your company. This kind of behavior and treatment.

I'll keep you all informed of the events as this thing progresses. Tonight it is Sons of Anarchy night. Yes I watch the show. PB and his bro just pulled up on the bikes with dinner.

Bullies Suck

2009-09-14T08:47:00.000-07:00

Busy life here in wonder world. BUT....I could go on and on about bullies. Not much time to write just now, BUT I just read a story about how bullying laws don;t work cos teachers and school administrators don't enforce them. They probably don't enforce then cos they don;t want to face off against the parents of the bully, who are most likely bullies themselves. Easier to deal with the parents of the victimized.
They saw that after looking into suicides of kids who were bullied, the bullying had nothing to do with the suicides.
One word---BULLSHIT!!!

ANYHOW, I was bullied in school. I dreaded going to school. Did not want to go many mornings. In fact I could not even ride the school bus it got so bad. Plus the bus driver was on the side of the bullies. She was the one who kicked me off the bus. "If you don't stop crying, you'll have to walk to school!" And I did. Then at age 15 after a horrific car accident bashed in my face, I threatened the ringleader of the girls who bullied me, told her she would look worse than me, if she or her friends ever bothered me again.
And that was the end of the bullying. I was now the bullier of the bullies. I figured I had nothing to lose by that point, I was ready to kick some ass. But I didn't have to as they were cowards.

BUT, I can remember how horrible it was. Reading the stories about the kids who killed themselves, how they hated going to school for fear the taunting the bullying, I felt the same way. But no one sticks up for these poor kids.
Everyone passes the buck. "Not my fault" they all say.

So I say to all those teachers and such that look the other way and pass the blame. and to the parents who say their little angel would never bully other kids,
a very simple

FUCK YOU! You're a liar. Simple as that. You help to continue this horrific tradition of bullying. Sure fuck you sounds ugly but the horrors YOU allow to continue are far uglier.
I know cos I know a bully. She picks on the weak. She always has. In school she picked on other kids who sure as hell didn't need it. She made their little lives hell. She gets strength from it. She's not my friend but I have to deal with her. She hates me cos she knows she can't be me. I'll never be scared of her. It drives her crazy. She'll never be as strong as me. Not physical strength but other strengths.
I am kind and sweet and supportive to those in my life. She is not. She hates people of color. She hates anyone different from her. She likes to make those horrible jokes about black people. She thinks she is funny. She is not. She passes on this tradition to her son.
I am not white, not all white. I am part native. My dad had dark skin. Very dark. I do not find her jokes or her sarcasms amusing. It is just as nasty as what I heard in grade school.

Ok I've have had my say. Back to work. 4 day work week.

Hungover

2009-09-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

Not really. But sadly my drinking days are best left behind me. God I love my Cosmos and PB makes the best ones. But my body which has been heavily poisoned by vast qualities of alcohol several times in the past 35 or so years, has let me know, it will no longer tolerate any more. I ate a good dinner last night, had about 5 or so Cosmos over the course of several hours, then ate a very hearty 1 am breakfast. Woke up this morning at 7am and my body was not happy. No headache but the GI system was quite miserable.
I'm better now. Yes I am a bad ass biker chick, can't even drink.
PB is resting, he does not feel well. The stress of losing his job again, is far rougher on him than he lets on. He hates his job but losing even a job he hates, tears him down. He is very much a hard southern man, with much pride. He is a man's man. He is very stoic, doesn't complain. He is very much like a blue collar Rhett Bulter. Charming, courtly, gentlemanly, but he can hang with the rough crowd. Its hard to see this proud man feel beaten down.
I am very much a New England Yankee. Like my hero, Katharine Hepburn, I always try and rise to the challenge. I see a problem and I must solve it immediately or see a solution, or I cannot rest. I Must have the light at the end of the tunnel.
We are quite the pair, Him the proud but stoically quiet southern gentleman, and me the loud, rushing about, opinionated Yankee woman.
So this morning after the "perfect" day of yesterday, I will answer emails, get ready for the trade show this weekend. I leave tomorrow. I have already planned the meals for the household for the next week. Trying to organize things for the show. Having work to do during the slow times.
I now have alot on my shoulders with these two men who need me. my business is everything right now. So back to it.
Oh and the picture? Very New England. Guilford, CT 1993. This was the view from my kitchen that year. Quiet road, morning sun streaming through the fall hardwoods. An escape from the real world.

Just Perfect!!

2009-09-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

That's a quote from "Back to the Future." Marty comes home after school to his poor man's life, and sees that his dad's car is wrecked.
This is just how I felt today after finding out my ex got laid off his job of 10 years on Friday and then today the boyfriend got laid off his job of 8 years.
So now the freelance artist ex wife / girlfriend has to somehow help support 2 men. Yes they will get unemployment but you know it won't pay all the bills and of course I'll have to be there for both, with advice and emotional support and trying to help them get their lives back on track.
My business is doing OK, not great but I'm getting by. And I was so very happy and grateful for that fact. I was happy and hopeful.
This morning, I was all set to write about the incredible weekend PB and I had at the lake.
I hear the BF's bike coming up the road. Reality time.
McFly said it best:
Perfect, just perfect!

"Fall"ing

2009-09-03T04:45:00.000-07:00

I love fall. There's something that wakes up inside me when the brutal heat of summer days gives way to the chill of fall. maybe summer heat puts part of me to sleep and the crisp air of fall wakes it up again. 2 more days of work. Actually 1 and 1/2. Then we pack and leave for 3 and 1/3 days at the lake. Yeah!!! I'm planning the menu. Fried chicken, baked chicken ( I got lots of chicken in the freezer,) venison sausage breakfast sandwiches, tomatoes and green bean saute (from the garden), and that's as far as I have gotten. What sucks is, after this weekend, it will be 3 weeks until we get back to the lake and the weather will be chilly for real. Hopefully the water won't be too much colder. I think I'll buy a wetsuit for cold weather swimming.

When ever her schedule allowed, Kathryn Hepburn lived on the water at her family home in Fenwick, CT. And every morning until she was in her 70's, she went for a morning swim. No matter the season, even in the winter. And this sure ain't as north as CT and Long Island Sound was never as warm as the lake. So hopefully I'll be swimming for another month or so. By then I'll have bought a kayak. What I really want is a rowing skull. Zip across that surface.

I've always admired Hepburn. Always wanted to live on the water like her. If this is as close as I come, so be it. I'll make the most of it. Pb can fish and I'll row and swim.

PB and his dad are taking the boat out on the nearby little lake to test it out. Then we'll take it to the big lake tomorrow. It will be so fun to take the boat to breakfast. Pull up at the dock.
I love looking at the houses on the lake. I watch the life in them as I swim or row by. Sometimes seeing the people as they go about their lives. Wondering what its like to have a lake house like that. What kind of people live there. Its like tv only I'm getting a workout.

As for the pleasuredome of the motorcycle industry, I have work to do, actually enough to pay my bills for a while, so far. This business can be scary, a fact I know all too well. It takes so much dedication to stay on top, to stay in the spotlight, in the public eye, it takes hours of work each day. Get the actual work done, then update the website, check the boards to see what's happening, answer emails, return calls, do followup calls, do quotes for new customers, do magazine work to stay in the public eye, see what the competition is up to. Not a 9-5 job. It takes 12-16 hour days. No time for much of a personal life. So you'd had better really love what you do, cos it becomes your whole life.

And that was my problem. Years of no personal life. I had lost me. And now I am finding me. I could be making some big bucks right now. But that would mean not many weekends at the lake, not many weekends riding my motorcycles. I used to hate Friday afternoons. at 5 or 6 pm I would know most people were getting off work, going home and starting their weekends. I would be working. And I would be unhappy. And I did this for 18 years.
I can't do that anymore. And so I make the financial sacrifice for my personal happiness. That is unless the ex loses his job or PB loses his.

So I will make the most of my Labor Day weekend at the lake. The wicked world of real life business will be waiting for me when I return. Let it wait.

Stevie Nicks

2009-09-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

said it or sang it best,

and the summer became the fall.
I was not ready for the winter,
it makes no difference at all,
cos I wear boots all summer long.

And just like that, the summer was over. The mornings were chilly and it was time for sweatshirts again. I remember this time last year, I was so stunned I was still with PB. It was like a dream.

And it still is wonderful to be with him. We spent the last two weekends up at the lake. We'll be there this weekend. His dad wants us to take his boat. The lake cabin is very small and shacklike. It was an outdoor shower and bathroom. You stand in the open air behind a wooden fence and shower. You can see the lake over the fence. A shower with a view. It was a dock with a screened gazebo which is very cool.
The place needs lots of work which we don't mind doing. The porch roof and floor of the cabin needs replaced as it is rotting away. Hoping PB's dad will pay for the materials.
But I love it and PB does too. There was tons of overgrowth that was taking over and we cleared most of it away last weekend. Now you can see the lake from the cabin.
I've been doing lots of swimming and rowing. But the pants are still tight, dang it. I am in constant motion up there. But we do hang out on the dock and watch the action on the lake. Its so peaceful. I'll row out to the middle of the cover at night and just lay down in the raft and watch the sky.
Its like a dream, a wonderful dream. The best my life has ever been. And I want it more and more. I want that dream to continue, but dreams aren't like that.

There's always that evil thing called reality.

PB and I are are still in love and that is good. But there is bad news.
1) His arms hurt him badly. Those beautifully muscled arms have bad tendinitis, I want him to see a doctor.
2) Things are slow at his job. I'm hoping he doesn't get laid off again. He's very worried about money.
3) My ex may lose his job. Things are dismal in the custom bike world. Especially if the owner of your dealership is a fool and hires over priced consultants who charge big bucks to suggest that departments should share pens. That if someone in parts needs a pen to go over and borrow one from sales. Wow. if your accountant tells you that these consultants are not doing anything useful, hey rich person that happens to own a dealership-------listen!!! Spend the money on advertising!!! Bring business into your shop.

Things are slow in my business but I'm doing ok. I just hope my men hang onto their jobs. Old Randy Simpson sold business at auction. I wonder what that was all about. The whole suddenness. Sometime I'll see him him and I'm sure he'll tell me. Even sold his bikes. He musta owed quite a bit.

Thing change, Milwaukee Iron out of business, Billy in jail, god how things change. I wonder just how Eddie is doing. can't believe he hasn't run out money yet. He musta stashed a shitload way back when. But then maybe like Randy, time will catch up, but then Randy is a good guy with morals and Eddie, well, he's not.

This weekend will be the last one for the lake for the following two weekends. I have a car show in two weeks and then the weekend after, PB and I are going to the mountains on the bikes. So that is almost 3 weeks, 18 days till I need to fit into my leather pants. And I will do it!!

I'll be cookie free for 18 days. Can I do it??? I do not want to bust that zipper on those pants or look like sausage legs.

Lake Side

2009-08-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

I plan to be lakeside in a few hours and will stay there, no internet, no tv, no nothing until Sunday morning. I am packing everything to take as I am female. So until then!

And Now a few Words on Big Dicks

2009-08-20T03:08:00.000-07:00

Every girl wants one. Just look on tv. I got up at my usual time this morning, 5:30 and turned on the tv. I had to do some Photoshopping that will be a pain and tv helps in these situations. On G4 there was PAID advertisement for some kind of larger penis med. It was these women, talking about how they dump guys that don't have big dicks. Young, gorgeous blondes, yes most of them were blondes whining about how guys with small ones don't do it for them, Neither do guys who don't want to do it all the time.
"I don't spend all night at dinner or drinks, I want it! I'll be sitting there at dinner, wondering just when is he going to do me!"
Yes, I know that's EXACTLY what I'm usually thinking on the first date every time.
I do have to admit on the first date with PB that I was really hoping for a REALLY long and passionate goodnight kiss.

By the end of the second date, and I mean 7 hours into it, I really wanted him to jump me. And PB is one hot looking man. Like romance novel cover hot. And I had not had sex in years. I was really ready. But that was at the END of that date.
And as many women know, guys who are super large? Are usually super sucky in bed. And all that size is not all that fun.
But its not the size of a man's penis that a women first thinks about when the clothes start flying off, its how he handles himself.
And besides, those pills? DON'T WORK!!!
But enough of this. I have to work for a living as there are important things in life than big dicks.

Can't Rain all the Time

2009-08-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

It was the last line in the movie, The Crow. It rained all through that movie and at the end it stopped raining and Darla said, "At least it finally stopped raining." And the Elly replied,"it can't rain all the time."

I think that sums up how I feel about my life these days. It finally stopped raining. And I feel positive about the future.

Yesterday I brought the sporty over the the ex's. He said I bent the handle bars when i went down. Hell we have no idea whose handlebars they are. So that will make it harder to replace them. AS for it running like shit, I'm hoping the coil is the problem, but Jack will go through it. Jack and I seem to be getting along well. Its nice to see him joining society even at his age. He is enjoying being on Facebook, he gets to be social with his Hamster buddies and they can get to know him better. His little world is expanding.

Watched Woodstock last night. PB tried to fix the sink and sorta did. I'm trying to diet and went ot get a cookie and he teased me about going in the cookie jar. So I denied myself. Then he brings me a cookie on a napkin.

Awee!!!!!!

After we layed in bed and he told me how much I meant to him. It was so healing, after so much time of not knowing what I really meant to him, he truly does love me the way I love him.

Ok today it is back to the real world. no fucking around. Got to get some real work done. We've both been so lazy.

We have that trip to the mountains planned. And one last thing, so many people in the m/c world have these "I'm such a hardass" attitudes. Like anyone that rides a dresser is a pussy. Or anyone that rides a non kickstart bike, or is a HOG member, or that trailers their bike, or whatever is a pussy. I say screw them. I'm am so ready to have it out with one of them. Grrrrr!!!!!!!!!

Billy Lane and Simple Dreams

2009-08-16T05:26:00.000-07:00

The pictures today? The first one was taken yesterday of my bubble glass by the kitchen window. I love having a kitchen window with bubble glass in it. It is very healing for me. The second picture halfway through the blog is my friend DJ living the good life at Lake Mead. Waking up to go hike around the lake. So here's a few quickies.

1) Billy Lane in prison. I know Billy. I remember when I first met him. Sitting against the wall at an Easyriders show. I think he was showing a long chopper. One of first CI bikes. He came out of Florida like a hurricane and smacked the custom bike scene in the face. No one had ever seen anything like him. It was the year my ex's bike won best display. Probably 2001? He was so out of box from anyone else that was out there. He was young, brash, cutting edge. He had his entourage of like minded kids with him. It was the first view into what was happening in next in the custom bike world. A world now represented by Cycle Source's Limpnickie Lot, guys like Pat Patterson and Tabor Nash. But Billy was the first. Him and his entourage were like a tribe. He was different and talented enough to get the attention of Hugh King and the Discovery Channel. I won't get into that whole thing as I could really do a severe rant about them. Billy went on a wild ride. Up and up until he had no control. Maybe he thought he was beyond anything bad happening to him, that he could live life without repercussions. That it was all like on tv. Not real. It all ended on that horrible day. 2 months before the accident, after he hit a BMW while doing an impromtu bike stunt in a parking lot, a friend of his commented to me, "He's an accident waiting for a place to happen."
Does he deserve prison? I don't know. I'm pretty flawed myself. I'm glad I'm not the one who makes those decisions. He'll do his 6 years and run Choppers Inc from inside. He'll get out and start his life again, building bikes that grab attention. Maybe he'll write another book about his wild ride. Maybe he'll be more famous than before. I think success in business is in the cards for him no matter what. But what about the whole being happy thing? Where was happiness in all this? Was it ever there? What is success if you're not happy?

2) Went to pick out a faucet last night with PB and his boy. Something so simple that most people take for granted. Walking around the store with your spouse and a child. We dreamed in the appliance and kitchen sections. We also found a nice light fixture for over the kitchen island for a future purchase. Redesigning our kitchen one step at a time. A dream for me. Things I used dream of. Like Burnadette Peter's said in "The Slaves of NY," "I aspire to the middle class." A normal life. And as of now I'm successful at that goal and enjoying each precious moment of it.
A life of living on the edge is not all its cracked up to be. But you have to get on the other side of it, past it, to see. Yeah, but there were fun moments. But were they worth the horrible moments?

3) Got to finish a writing/photo project today and burn it to disc. Answer emails for future work. I started a pot of beef stew in the crock pot last night. Gotta figure out what to make for breakfast. Get ready for a full work week after 3 lazy weeks off. PB and I are gonna go to his family's property at Lake Norman lake next weekend. Ride the bikes up and camp. So I want to get alot of work done during the week.

A simple life. I know I'm just a flesh and bone creature living a very limited exsistence on a very fragile world. And I know what is real to me. I know exactly what I want. And I have it. And it is enough for me. Anything beyond that pure gravy. Was that Billy's problem? Did he know what he wanted? What was important to him? What was real?

I bet it sure feels real now.

The Worry and Guilt Program- Drivers and Software Included at Birth.

2009-08-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

The man is in there napping on the couch and the boy is playing computer games. PB and I had a good long talk on the way to pick up his boy last night. I came clean about the last 9 months, the stress I was under, how scared I had been the last few months, looking at my work, knowing I was burnt out and that it was affecting my work. I told him the reality of all I had to accomplish during that time. How overwhelming it all was. How I just kept thinking to myself that would somehow get through it, even though it seemed so insurmountable.

And I really feel I lost that big contract with the motorcycle company because of it.

I was definitely not as my best. That last job I finished, I truly believe it was a miracle that it turned out so well. Because by that time I was like Rodney Dangerfield in that scene from "easy Money" where he's trying to put that model plane together and is stressed to the point of shaking so badly that he destroys the whole thing. That was me, and somehow, my life did not shake apart.

Maybe it is a good thing I lost that contract as I REALLY needed time off.

Looking back at a year ago, it is a miracle. The project I was working on had turned into a complete disaster. My ex was going nuts and trying to figure out ways to kill himself, my customers had lost any faith in me and were freaking out. I had a big money project that in no way would be completely by the deadline. And I had not done my paperwork in nearly 4 years. The only good thing - I was thinner.

And somehow, I got it all done. It all worked out and my life is the way I used to fantasize it would be. My fantasies were not grandiose. They were quite simple. Many years ago I used to work as a welder. I would work 8 or 10 hour days and have nights and weekends off. When I punched out my time card, my time was my own to do WHATEVER I wanted.

And many times over the last 22 years I have dreamed about those days. Those lazy days. And now I can work 8 or 10 hours, 5 days a week and have my weekends. God it felt like it would never happen.

I'm sitting on our back porch which look out into the woods. Its all shaded by the tall hardwood trees. There's a huge open field over to the left where we have our vegetable garden. My spotted hunting dog is laying on her blanket with her stuffed toys. She loves "her" porch. Earlier PB and I planned a trip to the mountains. Next month I'll take him up to ride a few of my favorite roads in the Smokies, including the Dragon. But looking over the maps, I found a different way to the Dragon than I usually go. This road Rt 28, goes over Fontana Dam. It looks nice and twisty. Just the way I like them. We found this really cool place to stay, a rustic lodge on the top of a Mt overlooking Maggie Valley. PB has nto been to Wheels Through Time and I want him to experience it.

A seriously lazy Saturday. A morning spent in bed cuddling naked with my man who gazes at me with all the love in his soul. My man cooking up french toast for breakfast. Running after an 11 yr old boy smacking him with a rubber spatula while he laughs and giggles. Embracing these things and soaking up the essence of the day. Nothing weighing down on me.

I have not known any of things ever before in my life.

I feel quite guilty at times for just allowing myself to relax. Hoping that feeling will pass in time. I guess we get so used to worrying that once you're used to it, its hard to go back. Hell I don't think I have ever felt so worry free. Ever.

I'm about to go into the house and brown up some round steak and then put it in the slow cooker for beef stew.

What makes a jerk, well a jerk?

2009-08-14T03:18:00.000-07:00

I was having a discussion with Chessie about men and attraction. Over the last year I have done alot of research about the whole subject. I mean the two guys I dated before PB were standard issue jackasses. Actually its kind of an insult to 4 legged variety of jackasses to compare these furry creatures to the 2 legged dirtbags.
But back to the "love" thing. Take for example my friend Blake. Nice guy intelligent, nice looking, great job, fun loving. He's been a good friend to me. But he's been looking for a girlfriend now for 5 years. He lives in a major west coast city. He looks online too. His problem? He always falls for young pretty women who feel they can do better than him. His standards for women are high, physically. And the ones that "light his fire" just are not that into him. He has settled for women that were not the best looking and then just finally broke up with them cos that "thing" was not there.

My brother was another one. Always dating women who had to be less than a size 4. I mean if that chick had one bump of cellulite on her butt or legs, forget about it. And he put up with all kinds of bullshit from these perfect looking women. I could fill this page with and rant for hours about one in particular whose engagement ring I now wear as a casual ring. He almost lost his house and mind over this one. And even after she almost took him for everything he had, it still took years for him to finally get over that sick, twisted excuse for a female.

My daughter in law is gorgeous and she knows it. And she knows how to work to her advantage. She feels that the same group of rules that usually apply to people don't apply to her as she is pretty. She knows that truth about our society, pretty people get more than those who are not.

So how does all this apply to love? Last spring I wondered why I seemed to be on the losing end of love. So I looked into it. There are endless articles in magazines and online. Look at any issue of Cosmo. How to make a man love you. How to get him to fall for you. 10 Secrets about men. And why are there so many of these articles? Cos people read them!!! Each one!! I know I did. There are whole books devoted to the subject. Hell there's DVD sets. This guy Christian Carter has an online book, sets of DVD"s. he does seminars- all on trying to "unlock" the secrets of making a man love you. I read his online book. How to communicate with a man. Many of the things he said made sense, but after a a while, it all seemed like too much. Do this, don't do that and after you do this, do that. Who would want to bother.
In the end, the only thing that made any sense was the book, "He's Just not That into You." A man either is or he isn't.

But what compels a man to be "into you?"

When I met PB, I was not looking my best. I was heavier than I normally was. I was beat and tired and not at my cutest. I was living with my ex. There were lots of issues but here we are over a year later. All along the way, I kept looking, I didn't not want to go through the shit I had in past. if he was not that into me, then I did not want to be with him. For example after we had been dating a month, I noticed he still had his online personal ad up and "searchable." And he was still active. Was he still looking? I had taken mine down.
I held my tongue but after 2 months I let hm know that it bothered me that his ad was still seachable, so he change it to nonsearchable. But he left it posted. That really bothered me.

Finally after 3 months, this Aries girl could not take it. One night after dinner and drinks, he was in the right mood. I still was reading my Christian Carter book and taking his advice on communicating with men, going slow, not being spontaneous when asking particular questions and most importantly waiting for him to be in the mood for communication. I asked him to take down his ad and he did 2 days later and I did not have to remind him.
But then, if he was that into me, why didn't he do it on his own?

There have been a few things that bothered me along the way in this relationship. Little by little they all worked out but it would take me threatening to leave for him to take notice. After our latest spat I accused him of not being that into me and that it would never work because of it. I was not going to settle for anything less than a guy who was that into me.
Turns out he is that into me. BUT it took time for him to decide. The longer it went on the more he fell for me.
He's more into me now than he was a month ago. And now he can't imagine his life without me. Its actually one of his biggest fears. Its why I can't go cross country on a bike by myself. He would worry too much. (Can't go YET. Actually at this place in my life, I don't want to be away from him too much. I've never had anything like this and I want to be here with him. If I go cross country, I want it to be with him. I always have and always will, do what I choose to do.)

But beautiful women get their hearts broken too. A gorgeous friend of mine is always getting screwed over. She has 5 kids from 5 different fathers to prove that. And my pretty 19 yr old daughter in law? Her husband left her for another woman, a women is definitely is not as pretty as she is.

Bottom line, if you're looking for dating advice, "He's just not that into you." is a great wake up call. A reality check that will keep you sane. It really is.

Oh well enough of that. I have to take my ex's truck to get fixed. Then there's that pesky working for a living thing. I still do things for the ex. He does stuff for me. He wonders why I don't hate him. We share a house and property plus life is too short for too much hate. I already have my quota of men to hate. I really don't need another one.

Another day, this one better I hope.

2009-08-13T03:26:00.000-07:00

Long conversation with Sasha last night. (The picture above is not Sasha, it is Goth who was in Discovery's Bike Women.) Sasha was one of the women on the Discovery Channel's Bike Women documentary. We had a good conversation about the lack of media attention women for women motorcyclists. We still do not get the respect we deserve. Sure HD has its women's days, the Motor Company is doing better but I feel they are merely pandering for customers. There's no real substance behind it. For example take HD's 105th celebration. At House of Harley the women's activities were put at the very back of the facility. It was shameful. All of us involved came many miles, worked very hard to be ready and put on good shows, good seminars. It was a real chance to bring attention to women who ACTUALLY EARN A LIVING in the industry. And we were in the back where not many could see us.
And what motorcycle show is on tv and getting all the media attention, a show about male criminals who ride bikes. Yeah I admit I like the show and I watch it but look at the shows that the media gives the attention to. A family of dis functional men who build tacky bikes that are pieces of shit in real life. Sorry but they are. The Tuetles are true assholes and do not deserve the fans they have. A fact I know to be absolutely true They are piss poor representations of the custom bike industry and an insult to all of us who make our living in it.
So what the public have to use as a insight into our lives? A bike gang of criminals and an obnoxious male family that screams at each other and acts like spoiled brats and charges people $20 for autographs after making them stand in line for hours.
Arlen would never do that.
I don't know, its just frustrating. I wish I had made the time to go to the AMA Women's Conference this year. And sadly I would have had the time to do it, broken hand and all. The hand is much better by the way. I would have had to ride the sporty to the Colorado and back tho and I know PB would have had heart failure over it. It would have upset him too much. That was one thing about the ex, he wouldn't have had a problem. He knows how road savvy I am.
But maybe they'll start having more than every 3 years. Comon 3 years?
See this is part of my rant here. The AMA only recognises women riders every 3 years. Sad.

And that last filming of Sasha, Betsy and Gevin and Gen? Sasha says she's heard its on cable, but she never saw any footage. Did it ever even air? And then there's the whole disappointment of what happened to Gypsy. What Biker Build Off, how they portrayed her. So wrong. And then the real tragedy of Sammy. Something that many of us who knew her, will always be haunted by. Thinking and knowing, we could have done something and we should have. Because she deserved better.
The media does not really recognise women bikers. Not the way it should.

As for my life this morning. The days are getting shorter. Its dark at 5;30 when we get up. Last night I realized I really deeply love PB. I want to fight for what we have. I don't want to lose him to his demons if that's what they are. But I don't want to lose myself. So I am going to give it a real chance. I always give up on him or rather, on us so easily. And I always say I'm gonna give it a real try and then I give up again. I guess I am so nervous that it will be like my marriage was. Maybe I am traumatised from that and I don't realize it.

And so there you have it. I'm gonna hike around the lake this morning. And get in a whole day's work. And be a good woman to my man. Its been a long journey out from the darkness of the last few years.

And yes, I have a bad attitude. I'm not nice. Well I am nice sometimes. But I am definitely not politically correct.

Feeling better

2009-08-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

I went for a hike down by lake after I made that last post. I talked to my young friend Lyns. I felt better. Strange day today. I wanted to eb in the hsop and work, but it rained and most of the work I needed to do was things that had to be done outside so i am working on a brochure for a trade show in Nov. I did do alot of uncluttering of the house.
As for PB and me, I'm just havng faith things will be ok, but I will be paying attention.
My experiences from my marriage have taught me one thing, appearance counts. Why do women tend to accept their men as is and desire them but men always seem to want the perfect woman, young, erotic, toned, tight perfect.

Reality's Ugly head

2009-08-12T03:57:00.000-07:00

And here I was all ready to write about the West Virginia trip. If only all times between PB and I could be like that. But reality can be an ugly thing. I think I know why women leave him and never come back. I was reading a story a woman wrote about a friend of hers, a strong, beautiful woman who should of had the world by the balls. But she got sick and to top it off, her man had a bad habit that took his priorities away from where they should have been. She finally killed herself because she needed him to be there for her and couldn't trust that he would be. It was hard enough for her to just deal with her illness, let alone dealing with his demons.

There are things strong women never talk about. And this is one of them. I guess we just want to believe that everything will be ok in our lives. That things will just work out and we go on, striving along in our lives, and keeping the demons in the shadows where we don't see them 24/7.

I know PB had this thing about him, this desire that I could not fill. I knew months ago. I don't think he has ever done anything about it. Thank god. But one always wonders if he will. I mean everyone has secret desires and fantasies. I do, but I have never tried them in real life. I probably never will. Somethings are best left as fantasies. And I pray that is the case for PB. I mean so far he has never tried to experience it in real life.
This desire cost him one relationship and contributed to costing him his marriage. His ex wife was with him for years and she must have been aware of it. It is a huge embarrassment to him. And he knows I know about part of it. In fact one night I caught him doing it. He was alone. I walked out of the room and he came after me. I was very hurt and shook up. He held me and begged me not to leave him. I stayed, obviously.
Then the next day I sent him a text saying how I understood he needed private time and that I would respect that. That message meant alot of to him. He always deletes his texts as he has a thing about clutter. Like he's had the same email box for years and it has less than 50 messages in it. But he saved this text.
But he has no idea that I know the specifics of his fantasy. And I don't blame his exs for leaving him. if everything else was not so perfect with him, I might leave him too. in fact that is one of the reasons I keep my place in my house just a few miles down the road. And I stay on good terms with my ex.
There have been things that come up that bother me about PB. And so far they have all worked out. My fears have all been for nothing. I hope this is the same. I hope this is just a little fantasy thathe has and that it stays that way.
No relationship is perfect. But this scares me and bothers me. I mean I have had my little fantasies for years and never even tried to fullfill them. Not even when my ex cut me off from sex for 10 years. I stayed faithful. So hopefully it is the same with PB and his fantasies. But I wish there was someway he could tell me about it. Someway I could help him so he would not ever try and make it real.

As for my injury, my hand is so much better. Gonna try and ride next week. And I am really driven to start exercising again and lose this frickin weight. I feel like a whale. Like I feel much like eating after thinking about this.

Broken hand and Sturgis musings

2009-08-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't writien in a while and things happen at a fast pace around here. So here are some quickly written highlights.

I did not go to Sturgis this year. Mostly cos I did not want to leave the boyfriend behind again. This relationship is very important to me. Sure I should have gone and networked and stood next to the latest bike I worked on, while it made appearances at shows, and got all kinds of publicity but even if I did want to go. I couldn't have gone. As I broke my hand coming back from the Mountain Fest rally last month. The ex went and he had a great time doing his Hamster stuff. And I was very happy for him. Arlen liked his new bike, actually everyone did and that made me feel good. the last year has been hard for him and it makes me happy to see him settling into his life without me.

It was hard not being there in Sturgis. I kept up on Facebook with many of my friends who were there. I heard Steven Tyler was an ass at Lichter's party. Yeah last week was rough. My heart was in the Black Hills, carving up Spearfish canyon. Hell not even Jose was there. Not the same without the crew from PR.

Bruce Rossmeyer died in a bike wreck exactly one year and a day after Click Baldwin died in the very same way. Trying to pass a vehicle turning into a campground. Neither man had been wearing a helmet. Now I have never been a big fan helmets, growing up in a no helmet law state, did not even own one till I went to Fla in '94. But after Click's wreck I wore my DOT helmet all the time and I am glad I did as my little go-down in West Virginia? I hit my head and yeah I had a bit of a concussion and was slightly foggy for a week but if i had not been wearing it? Who knows? So I wear the helmet. I hate it, but I wear it. Bruce was a rare person, a rich guy who shared his wealth.

PB and I went to the Coldplay concert. He bought me tickets for our anniversary. It was incredible. We tailgated munching on bacon sauteed shrimp, brocolli salad and chocalate covered cherries. PB even made me a pitcher of Cosmos. He got me a glowy bracelet and held me as I rocked to the music. The music could not have been better.

My hand is healing but it is still not 100% and that scares me as I make a living with that hand. This sucks.

I smoked a pork roast yesterday. First time ever. I have had my smoker for 10 years now and never used it. It came out wonderful. The taste? Just perfect. In fact I am about to go and zap a plate of it right now along with some sauteed green beans. I'll write more tomorrow about the West Virgina trip as it was quite an adventure. One I am literally still recovering from.

Oh yeah and PB finally told me what I needed and wanted to hear.

Life

2009-07-09T06:26:00.000-07:00

I realize most of my posts have been about my love life, but hey, after 35 or so years of kissing bad frogs, I finally got a good one. Hell, most women's magazines are sold on the basis of how to snag and keep that handsome man. And how to deal with it when ya don't. People are getting frickin rich off this shit. And me, depressed, fat, (well bigger than I have ever been) get this awesome man. And I am enjoying it.

As for life, I have lots of comments about that. So quickly

The economy sucks. Whose fault? Lots of greedy people who have way too much money to begin with and they want more. Send the illegals home and put Americans to work with the jobs that are left.

The war? Hey those soilders are the only working class americans making money. And they are doing a hard job. too bad the real money was made by, you guessed it, greedy rich people who already had too much money. The Gordon Geckos won that war.

This country? Run by the greedy.

So I stay in my little place in the woods and hang onto my life and hope for things to get better. But I am gonna try to finish remaking my life. Gonna get back into my art and start writing again. maybe I can sell a romance novel and pay my bills for a few years.

This week? Hoping to finish up a few things and create some new work. Spend time with the Linds and the Chase next week. And gonna try and start ebaying the excess.
Oh yeah, PB's place at the lake is wonderful. I love it.

In Love

2009-06-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

Lots has happened since I last wrote. And no time to get into it all. I live full time with PB. We had our 1 year anniversary. Still trying to balance time with my old home and family. MA says I am torn apart trying to take care of two homes. I guess I am.
But it is worth it. I remember when I was so scared of not being with PB. Not knowing what was going on.
he gives me as much as he can. Still no I love you from him and i have no said it either. But I feel it so very deeply. I love this beautiful, very sweet man. I pray I can share the rest of my life with him. I still look at him and my heart stops.
As for him I think he feels very secure with me. Knowing he has a good woman who will take good care of him and treasure him.

What the gas pump said

2009-05-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's the story behind the gas pump thing. Except for a very short time, my life has always been a mess. I mean my whole life from birth on. Sure alot of it was my parent's fault, but after age 23 when I finally moved out on my own, it was my own fault. I ended up in situations. Living from crisis to crisis.
Then back in '94, I was in the midst of just such a situation and I was filling up the car. Those messages that run across the LCD screen on the pump? usually they say thanks for filling up with crapo gas? It read, "If you want to escape your problems, then solve them."
I read it several times, and by the time I finished filling, then paid, the message had gone back to the regular message of try our great coffee or some kind of bullshit like that.
Now I know it sounds crazy, me in the middle of a crisis and the pump telling me what i needed to hear. Did it really read like that. Yes, it did. i know what i saw.
Now here, 15 years later, my life has been in crisis for a few years now. I have been following the gas pumps advice for about 8 months now. Solving the problems in my life, instead of simply trying to escape them.

The Being Happy Thing

2009-05-17T13:39:00.000-07:00

Strange thoughts on a wild strange day. Its about 4:30 Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting on David's back porch, on the streened in side. Its pouring rain out side and I'm writing on the computer. David is inside napping. soon I'll wake him. We just back from the Smoke Out. Rode about 100 miles from Rockingham. Got hit by the rain once, a real downpour. Completely soaked. Nothing like a riding a hardtail chopper with a short rear fender in the rain. You just have to laugh. It cleared up a bit and we stopped and I changed into dry clothes. Made it the rest of the way with a a few sprinkles. Now its raining for the real, the raining like a mutherfucker all day long, kind of rain.
My editor has my book ready for me to review but it is Sunday and I no longer work on Sundays.
The Smoke Out was ok. Some people were jerks to me, others were unreal awesome nice. But I knew in advance some people were gonna be asses due to the ex.
Don'tknow what the week ahead will be like and don't really care. It's Sunday, my day off. I had to starr having real Sundays or I would have finished losing my mind.
Saw that Michael Jackson has skin cancer. The dude was the king back in the 80's, and a sick nightmare joke ever since.
Sabel Star died last month but that is a blog post all in itself. For another time. Last year I has just gotten back the Smoke Out. I had ridden about 200 hard miles on the chopper. I was beat but I had a hot date that I could not miss out on. I had been excited for days leading up to it. I mean I couldn't believe he was even gonna meet me for that date. I had not met him in person yet.
Now I'm gonna walk in the house and wake him up. We're gonna go for Chinese food at the same we ate a year ago. That Sunday night after the '08 Smoke Out changed my life. I am happy. Its ok to be happy.

Home?

2009-03-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

1) I'm sitting on my bed, on the red fushia cotton sheets that feel so crisp. With my old patchwork quilt on the bed. With the headboard that MaryAnn and I found, that she wheeled and dealed for, and that we somehow got wrapped up and loaded into the truck in the pouring rain. So many stories behind the items around me. This is my home, my room. I never knew I could feel so unsecure here in my home. Bart was right. He sure was.
I feel safer at PB's. Its been 3 weeks atleast since I spent a night here.

2) I got nervous with PB again. He is getting tired of it and I have to stop. He is so good to me. Wonderful week with him. He is such a good man it seems. My hero in a white tank top with a bouquet of gardenias.

3)Wonderful dinner with the girls. They were so funny.

4)PB is pretty upset about the job. First it was the boy going away, now this.

5)I cleaned my closet tonight. Found all kinds of things that were lost. I'm bringing order to my life. I crave it - order. Being able to enjoy my life. PB is all about order. I like that about him.

6)I been running most mornings. It feels so good to run in the woods again. PB is worried I might get jumped. I'm being so careful.

7) I have simply decided to enjoy my life with him. I treasure that sweet incredible man. I am concerned he has me on a pedestal. I am so lucky to be with him and I tell him all time. I hope he is not too good to be true.

Morning at Heaven

2009-03-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

Not much time to write. Peaceful mornings hiking on the trails. Haven't done that since 1994. Wonderful weekend with PB riding down to lake greenwood. I feel good about life in general. Good talk with PB Sunday night. I feel so much better. He was so beautiful holding me out there in the moonlight, pledging his devotion.
I think that was wonderful to him also. He texted me to that effect.
Jack is weird as usual. I think his pacience is running short. Not used to not getting what he wants.

I like my life. I like it better than I have in a long time. It feels so good. I am happy.
PB got sunburned yesterday. His body is still so incredible. Even with a burn.

What a month!!

2009-02-28T05:02:00.000-08:00

PB and I went fishing in the rain yesterday. We had the lake all to ourselves. It was the first time we have fished together and the first time I have fished since 1986. We had a wonderful time. It reminded me of the time we wereout in the rain putting up the supports for the addition roof. I stood there in the rain with a flashlight while he screwed the supports in at 11 pm.
This past month was unrral. Kids, grandbabies, family, 8 puppies, then of course my usual fuckl;oad of winter work and of course a brutal deadline for daytona , oh and then there is the frickin book I am writing that is way behind deadline and my editor is having shitfits. I don't blame him one bit.
I would get up at 5am. Fix and pack PB's lunch, go to my house, fix and pack the ex's lunch and send him off to work, then I would work till 5pm, fedd puupies and take care of the dogs, make the ex's dinner, leave and go to PB's where I would clean up after the kids, make dinner, play with the baby, and then passout with PB. Then there was dealing with my friends, and trying to deal with the super drama bullshit that the kids were into.
It was the most intense 2 weeks of my life in a long time. And I loved every minute of it. Yeah I could have done with the fuckload of work.

I love my life with PB. Sometimes I think we are in love. I pretty much know I am in love with him. I don't know how how feels about me. Valantine's Day was not too happy. There were no I love yous, in fact I almost walked out the door.
I almost walked out the door again last weekend. He told me I have to stop this leaving stuff. He holds me alot. But doesn't talk to me. He just pulls me into him and holds me.
He is very shook up and upset about his boy being deployed to Iraq. It is on his mind constantly.
But the good news with us is I think he wants to stay with me for a long time. He, at times, talks about the long term. maybe he is admitting there will be one for us.
I just know that when I look at his face, my heart melts all over again. Something in those eyes.

Anyhow, 5 puppies left yesterday and 1 today. 2 more to go. It was so funny with them. Yesterday they all bounced and bounded across the floor. Now 6 of them have gone to their news homes. Now there are only 2 left. I think I found them good homes.

Now it is time to start my day...again. Got to drive to Atlanta tomorrow and then get back here cos I am meeting the ex wife. Long day. Long day everyday. So today, get the parts ready dor daytona, then work on the book. Of course there will be taking care of puppies and dogs, then going to PB's in the late afternoon .. oh shit that's right, I have to go over there there this morning and start the BBQ in the slow cooker! Then back here to work. Tonight I will be in my baby's arms, him wrapped around me as I fall asleep.
But that's my life. And I like it.
Now to lose this enourmous ass I have accumulated this winter.

quickies

2009-02-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

And it is finally happening, the days are getting longer. It seemed just yesterday, it was dark shortly after 5pm and now it is 6 and the sky is filled with that reassuring glow. I guess its a big part of why I feel better. Those long dark days of winter, that weren't so dark but they were so unpleasantly quick. I relish these days. I made it through a winter with PB. God I love my life with him. It feels like a brand new life. Like the way life used to feel so very long ago.

This is the first year since 2000 that I have not been to a m/c trade show this weekend in Feb. It feels weird as everyone is there in Cinci. I guess Cinci is my favorite m/c event. Its quick. 2 1/2 days of very intense custom bike stuff. Most everyone and everything is there. See` the newest and network with everyone you need to.

Crazy weekend ahead with PB's family. Not as long as we hoped I am sad to say. He needs this.

Jack does not feel good. He is still sad. I wish he weren't.
There are no guarantees in anything I tell him. I care for him. I can't change what happened. many years of almost.

And in the morning

2009-01-27T05:33:00.000-08:00

Poor Pony is sick. His poor pretty little head is all clogged up. I tihink he really happy with me. I was kinda cranky last night. And he was so sweet and yet he was sick. he says its such a wonderfully safe feeling when we are cuddling in bed.
I love our little life together. It was weirdest thing when i first saw him, part of me figured that he was way too hot for me. But another part of me saw something. Something in those eyes. Some strange light that gavce me an odd sense of comfort. I remember those first mornings looking at the celing and walls of his bedroom, wondering if I would ever see it again.
And there I am most mornings, my clothes in the drawers and closet. My boots next to the dresser. My pots in his kitchen.
What is life? What is it allabout? No one knows. So much running around so much fuss each oday over things that don't really matter.. PB and I are old. And someday we'll be older if we are lucky. Holding each other.
I love what we have, what we share together. Every day with him is a gift.

Quick One

2009-01-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

Life with PB is very quiet, calm and sweet. It is more than I could have hoped for. I think I love this sweet simple yet amazing man. Sweet texts between us this morning. Funny how two people in their 40's can be so nuts for each other.
Life with Jack is good. We are friends. I do love very deeply him but not romantically.
My best friend's ex hubby killed himself Friday. Awfulness. It would have destroyed me if Jack killed himself. Suicide is so selfish.
I'm talking to Marie again. It feels good. I think I can handle it if she flips out again.
Lindsay passed her nursing test. Thank GOD!
I have got to spend more time with my godson. Very important.
I have slowly catching up with my work.
This past weekend was the big bike show here. Lots to say about it. The heydey of that show is gone. I want to to write about it. Maybe next weekend I will.
The puppies are doing well. Mommy dog is good.
Time to work. Hoping I can write a good post next weekend bragging on how much I got done.
The cloudy days have been getting on my nerves.
Wow it looks as tho the sun might come out and dry out this soggy world.

Time marches on

2009-01-21T18:27:00.000-08:00

Things seem to be very good between PB and I. Lots of sweet texts from him stating that i am the best gf ever. So much going on. Hard to keep up. Hard to keep from losing my mind.
But I do know this, once I am out from under this fuckin pile of my own doing, I am gonna make the most of what i have with him.
Jack is good. Very good.
And there are puppies.

Its Cold Outside

2009-01-15T07:06:00.000-08:00

I've been beating myself up about money lately. Then I see a story on tv about the acutal debt people carry aside from their mortgages. Many of the people they talked to were over $20,000 in debt, just plain credit card debt.
I feel better. I'm only about 7g. Hell thats still a shitload. Well hopefully by summer that will be down to 2g. And never again.
As for PB, I need to keep things in perspective with him. I think he does love me. I don't know if he knows it yet. I doubt he thinks about it.

A Bitter Dose

2009-01-08T16:12:00.000-08:00

of reality today. Rick told me not to dig and I did. I don't like what I found today. I guess I really don'tmean as much to him as I had hoped. Time to back away. I need to get over him. I am sad.

Sunday morning

2009-01-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

It was a good saturday night. Spent it at PB's house and we hung out with his boy. I managed to get World of Warcraft going and the boy has been hard at it. But he took a break to play Texas Hold em with my and his dad. I won (of course.) 10 years since I played poker and I still win.
We got the addition to the shed finished. PB and the boy poured concrete yesterday.
But there is still weirdness.
Friday night was PB's night with the boy and I spent it with the hubby. Second time ina row that PB called me when I was hanging with the hub. And it was the second time I missed the call. he got so whatever that he texted me, "cal me."
It took me a while as hubby and I were talking and I really needed to talk to him about how he has been feeling. Hub is doing much better and I want to keep it that way. Like Shane says, baby steps.
Little by little Hub will get used to it.
But I feel bad that I was not there to immediately take PB's call. I don't want him to get the wrong impression. The hub is only my friend and family, not anything more. PB is my man and I am very much a 1 man woman.
We had fun last night, the boy seems to be accepting me again and I know PB digs that.
We played video games and then this morning his -----------woke me up. he claims he was asleep. I guess it has a mind of its own.
We messed around and then got up to play in the mud, it was raining outside and we wantedto see if it was leaking into the shed. Later I washed dishes and started the beef stew.
Its so nice being here. The woods are like back home in CT. I truly do love it here with him. Wonderful days.
But Zoey is due this week. I am very nervous about it. G0ing through the whole delivery thing again.
So here is where I am on a Sunday noontime. Sitting on the couch at a very handsome mans home, a man who I am so happy and proud to be with, to call my man, his son is playing WOW over on the computer, PB is outside working on his new shop and I am on my laptop.
We are alive and happy on planet earth living a miracle each day and it is all so temporary. So fleeting. I want to enjoy what I have left. I want to enjoy it with PB.

In which Pony Girl is nervous

2008-12-31T11:50:00.001-08:00

I am nervous about the next post I will make. This being NYE and all. I am spending it with PB. And I am nervous about how the husband will handle it. I hope he doesn't hurt himself or get too sad or drink too much that will make him feel hopeless.
he says he will always be here for me. I want him to be. I do not want to lose him.
I could stay here tonight. PB would say it did not matter to him. But it would. The man held me all morning cuddling. He falls asleep with me in his arms every night. He puts up with all my moods, hugging me, kissing me and I'm not even pretty but he tells me I am.
I look at him all the time, he is just so beautiful, so manly. I look into those edgy blue eyes, they back at me as if to say, it all ok. I am happy and alive and you make it like that for me and why don't you feel the same?
PB means so much to me. I can only hope I means as much to him.
So tonight i will be there with him, bringing in the New Year. Last NYE I was with someone who did not want me. Not like I wanted him. That guy never treated me the way PB does.
So here I am again, taking a chance. I hope and pray the husband makes it through the next 24 hours ok. I do love him and it would destroy me if something happened to him.

In Which PG is happy for a change.

2008-12-30T06:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a good day. And I know from experience to treasure those days. The hubby and I had breakfast and fixed the porch. We even rode into town and went to the hardware store and bought lunch.
We hung out as friends. It was so nice and then last night I went over PB's and helped him in the shed with the new window. We sat at the table and ate leftover chicken cordon bleu and mac and cheese. We went to bed and i found out that my timing was bad. Poor PB. I put his hand someplace that got him excited and then the porr sweet guy can't do what he wants. But welaughed about it. We laugh alot, about everything, usually flagulance and sex.
We ended up cuddling and sleeping.
I am so happy to be with this beautiful sweet man. I am falling so hard for him. How could I not? But if he is so wonderful how could the last 3 women dump him? I pray his bad old days are behind him.
Saw the hubby this morning. He is being so good to me. I am in love with him, as a friend. My respect for him is growing.

And when the going gets weird, the weird

2008-12-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

well, you know the rest and if you don't, then you are missing out on some of the greatest american literature of our time and I cannot help you in any way.
Everybody that calls me asks me how my Christmas was. It was wonderful and weird, very weird, but very wonderful. And when your life is as fucked up as mine seems to be most of the time, you savor the unhellish portions.
I woke up at PB's Christmas morning and for the first time in well over 15 years, I had Christmas morning sex. PB wanted to open gifts, but he had to go to his ex in laws, so I went over my brother's house and listened to fasinating holiday morning conversation. "Yeah, Sher's gotta go to macys tomorrow. Dey got 2 for 1 bras and she needs new bras for her cans cos they're big as houses."
The bro asked me what I was making for dinner for PB and I said pork chops. He replied, "Sheri's gonna get a pork chop later tonight."
My godson opened his presents, he loved the Star Station I got him. he loves to watch himself on tv and now he can do that and sing and dance and see it all.
Then I went home and spent 5 hours with the husband. We opened presents (super cool HD sweaters, 1 was even cashmere!) and I made a ham. Then it was back to PB's for presents and affection and more sex. He gave me a Bluetooth, The Ov-Glove and a slow cooker cockpot that I wanted.
Then Friday I had to drive to Nashville to deliver the horrible swingarm and the bike frame from Hell. It was 6 hours to get there but worth it just to say good da fuck bye.
Friday night it was back in my baby's arms for serious cuddling.
Saturday we went to a party to meet PB's old friends and poker buddies. They said I was an upgrade from his last GF. We had a wonderful time and yes he was the hottest guy in the bar. he later told me I was the cutest chick there. Not bad for a couple of old farts. We were too beat for sex.
But........Sunday morning, we made up for that. Sunday we listened to the Panthers almost blow it again and worked on the addition to the Crazy Horse Annex. Plus I made the most kick ass barboque in the new crock pot. Super yummy! It was a weird day, rainy and drizzle and then sun and then mkore drizzle. We got totally muddy and me in my $350 Tecnicas. But they rinse off and it was back to cuddling. Poor PB had to sit through Fargo. "That's 2 hours I'll never get back."
Now I am helping the husband fix our front porch and tonight I will be back at PB's cooking meatballs and having sex but not at the same time.
Ok gotta go help hubby.

Later

The porch is fixed and hubby referred to the BF as my prince. Humm, I think he knows something more about PB. He might just have an idea of what he looks like. Maybe he is finding out that he is not a bad guy with poor taste.

Gotta make an appointment at the vet for Zoe. Hoping she and the soon to be born puppies are doing good.

I have a very weird life

2008-12-24T14:38:00.000-08:00

it occurred to me as I was walking into the house from the shop, as I walked across the front porch, which glowed blue due to the blue LED lights strung over the length of the porch.
I am making macaroni and cheese for the house. Tomorrow I make a ham. Later tonight I'll go over to PB's. He's shopping. We've been texting all day.
For someone who doesn't like the edge, I seem to spend alot of time there.

Christmas Eve and counting

2008-12-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

After looking closely at PB, very closely, I might add, I have seen that he is very decent. He has not broken my trust. I was bothered my the fact that he stayed on the Personals several months after we started dating and that I had to bring up him making his profile unsearchable. And then months alter asking him to delete it. I had hoped he would do it on his own.
But he did not.
So no matter what it was always on the back of my mind that he "was not that into me."
So I stayed very skeptical. But I have seen that he has been good. he has not been a shit. I know he had those days in his past, where he was not to be trusted. But like Barb says, "yeah, he's good to YOU."
And so far he is.
Like last night, I was inside reading and he was working in the shed. he asked me to come and run the drill. He really did not need me, but he wanted me around.
That felt good. Plus he held me much of the night, and we slept in this morning and there was more holding.
Its funny I remember how he told me in the beginning that he would start to push me away cos he needed to sprawl in bed. That never happened.
And so I am allowing myself to enjoy my time with him, and not worry about tomorrow.

As for Jack, he is learning to deal with it, atleast he says he is. I keep hoping he won't kill himself. I get so scared at times. he wants me back so very badly. but unless I am single again, and can get past all hurt he has done me, I do not see it happening. I love him so much. But I went for many many years with him rejecting me over and over. Now it his turn to wait and see. I do not know the future and cannot give him an answer.
I am hoping that PB and I have a long life together. We make each other so happy. We are both so alike in so many ways.

And the dog is pregnant again. I worry for her. She is so sweet and it is all my fault. The pups are due in 3 weeks. God I hope she makes it through it ok.

I think back about this month, the puppy I found and found a home for. The work I did. The worries I had. And still have. I guess I am just giving them a rest for a while.

Today I finished the toughest part of a long time project that had turned into a nightmare. Part One leaves Friday. The customer who hated me a few months ago, is now quite happy. I can only hope he stays that way.
Plus I am finishing up a painting, and it looks good. I think the customer will be pleased. I know I am.
PB is getting cabinets for our new shop. I will have two shops now. One I share with Jack and I shared with PB.
Truthfully it bothers me a little, I hope PG is not with me cos of what I do. he says it is far more than that.
I look at Mike and he has been with Cole for 4 years now. I know she would not be with him if he was not who or what is is. So who knows, no easy answers. See what i mean about trust?
PB is finishing up his hsopping later today.

2008-12-23T05:29:00.000-08:00

Its a cold morning here on the farm. But I feel warm. I have spent the past few months literally in a constant state of worry. One crisis happening after another. And then my beautiful PB. I was so worried that he would betray me in some way. But I have looked and looked and he has been so loyal to me. Yesterday morning, he was so so sweet. I think his folks are very happy he is with me. They included me in the gifting. It was a gift to us. Their intent was clear. I think he is ok with that but he is starting to see how real it is. Maybe that has him a little shook. But hey guy, you're not a young stud trying to prove anything to yourself. Atleast I hope he doesn't feel he has to prove anything. He has a wonderful woman who cares so very much for him, who thinks he is the hottest man on the planet. A woman who will care about him and for him and never make him feel bad about himself or make him sad.
I just want ot get on with my life. work, make a life, enjoy the life we have together. There are enough things to worry about. I want my personal relationship not to be one of them. I just want to live and enjoy what is left. Enjoy it with my beautiful, sweet man.

The Rollercoaster

2008-12-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

Some people like the rollercoaster. I don't. Not in relationships anyway. When I last wrote, the rollercoaster felt like it was heading on the low side. But things improved. PB got all sweet and super sweet again and it felt good. I want to kick back and enjoy it. Not worry if the world will kicked out from under me just when I start to feel secure about what is going on.
I wonder what is going through his head. He is such a mystery at times, but then I guess most guys are. And that is not an attractive quality. Give me predictable any day. There is plenty to wonder about in my life, my personal relationship? No, I don't need mystery.
But he is very mysterious. The things he wants. What he dreams of. I don't spend alot of time thinking about this kinda stuff. Too busy working and enjoying our time together.
And the crazy thing is I feel so secure with him. Well I guess as close to secure as I could come. He remembered it was 6 months last night.

in which Pony Girl finds truth the wrong way

2008-12-11T14:35:00.000-08:00

It was almost a month ago that I began to really wonder how PB felt. Guys, its girl thing. We like to know where we stand. For whatever reason, I got a little sensitive last night with PB. A misunderstanding about something. But there was more to it and he pushed, we talked alittle. I came away more confused.
I don't get why I snapped. He's done nothing but be truthful with me. He's been very sweet. But I pushed him and he saw I was sad. It bothered him a bit and now I need to back off. Like i shoulda done in the first place.
Things were going real good. I got impacient.
But.
Am I as important to him as he is to me?

A Pony Girl World

Reading my Old Posts From Dec 2008.

2 am and Life is Flying By

The Day After Hell

Hell

Across 110th Street

Is Life Fair?

The Imperfect Life

The Sunday Stillness

Envy and the Diamond Ring

The Black Stallion

Who Gives a Flying F%@% about Tommy Hifiger?

Ah the Rollercoaster!

A Better Sunday

Not sure

Suddenly it was June!

The Scare

A Quickie

Green Days

A View from the Compound

Feeling Better Again.

7am

Quick Takes

Westboro Baptist "Church?"

6:30 am

Sunny Daze...

Quickie for the Day

Peacefulness

Sunshine and Dr T's Favorite Subject

Why the Silly BS???

Feeling Alive in the Middle of Winter

Back From Hell?

Quickies

New Year, Old Hope

Holiday Realities

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,Let your heart be lightFrom now on,our troubles will be out of sight"

You Got to Have the Sour

The Carolina Fog

The Rat Shit Times

Toxic Friends

Lazy Saturday

The Road to Hell?

Scary day and Sons of Anarchy

A Weekend of Thanks

A Gas Can and a Turkey=The Best Thanksgiving Ever

The F Word

Pictures from our trip.

The Whole "Happy" thing

I'm Back

Halloweenin'

Girl On a Motorcycle

Ghost Day

Love and Happiness

Raining and Sons

A Month of Quickies

Sons And Quickes

Life

Sell Your Old Gold for Big Cash!!!

Getting Rich Quick

Quickie

Updates

Comfort Sounds

Sad face

Paradise

Fun and Games with Harley Davidson Financing

Bullies Suck

Hungover

Just Perfect!!

"Fall"ing

Stevie Nicks

Lake Side

And Now a few Words on Big Dicks

Can't Rain all the Time

Billy Lane and Simple Dreams

The Worry and Guilt Program- Drivers and Software Included at Birth.

What makes a jerk, well a jerk?

Another day, this one better I hope.

Feeling better

Reality's Ugly head

Broken hand and Sturgis musings

"Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight"